The Savages

Almost

All the wise world is little else in nature

But parasites or sub-parasites.

- Ben Jonson

EPISODE ONE

Another weird one this.  Ages and ages ago, when Homo reptilius ruled the Earth, I borrowed the audio version of The Savages from the local library.  It was around about exactly the last thing I expected to find there, so I dived on it.

The BBC used to produce wonderful oversized plastic boxes of the audio versions of missing stories for libraries, mostly so they wouldn’t look out of place on the shelves in the LARGE PRINT section.  After all, only the hard-of-looking would be wanting Doctor Who audios.1  I spent a good deal of the next fortnight falling asleep while listening to these CDs, making The Savages unique to me in that it’s one of the stories I’m both most familiar with and yet hardly know anything about.

Other than the location footage and the lack of carnage that is.

Our journey to the future begins with an unexpected bangin’ choon and a bit of animated lepidopteral flap-action.  It’s like an ice-water injection in the temporal lobe. I imagine.

Me:  What?!  What's going on?

Him:  It’s a butterfly.  It was on Galaxy 4 as well.

Following this initial shock, the story proper wobbles into view in much the same way as usual, just with lots of subtitles filling in for the missing action.  The Doctor’s ambled outside of the TARDIS and is looking around.  It’s hard to tell what’s actually going on here.

Him:  These recon guys aren’t as good.

Me:  It’s certainly a lot different to what we’re used to. 

The sound’s a bit whoo, which is probably a technical term.  The main problem with it is that every time the Doctor chuckles - and we’re nearing the end of William Hartnell’s tenure so this happens quite a lot – he sounds a lot like a happy chimpanzee.

Steven and Dodo are waiting by the TARDIS.  Dodo’s fed up with how long the Doctor’s taking and Steven’s concerned about him. 

Me:  Dodo hasn’t got a face.

Dodo:  You don’t have to do everything he tells you.  You’re a grown man.  Or are you?

Me:  Spot of foreshadowing there?

Two hairy men watch the Doctor from the foliage.

Steven wanders through what was probably location footage, calling for the Doctor whilst...

 

Us:  Arf!

As Steven disappears from view, some pebbles drop down the cliff near Dodo.  She looks but doesn’t spot anything.  Stealthily, strangers advance on her.  Dodo catches sight of one of them and screams.  Steven returns quickly and asks Dodo what’s wrong.

Him:  "Spear through the heart.  Several through the head."

The Doctor has noticed his observers.  Just as he’s failing to coax them out from under a bush two soldiers arrive.  It seems he’s been expected.

The Doctor:  Do you know who I am?

Edal:  Not your name, of course, but our space observers have their own name for you.

Me:  Interesting.

The Elders of the city have been following the Doctor’s travels for some time.  The Doctor shows the soldiers his Reacting Vibrator before agreeing to accompany them, as long as someone finds Steven and Dodo and tells them where he is and what’s going on.

Me:  The music’s a bit cinematic.

Him:  The screen’s a bit cinematic.

Steven and Dodo are spending their down-time fretting.  Dodo spots observers again, but they duck out of sight before Steven clocks them.  Comes a sudden thud.

Him:  Is it Dodo?

Me:  The music’s really good.

Me:  Dodo’s doing a lot of screaming.

It starts to rain spears.  Steven and Dodo make a dash for shelter in the TARDIS as fences grow around them.  Exorse pops out from behind a bush, and the wooden precipitation slows somewhat.  Exorse escorts them to the city, where the Doctor is already chatting to the elders, most specifically the Head Elder.

Jano:  I am Jano.

Him:  “Doncha know?”

Me:  They’ve been following the Doctor.

The Doctor gets an honorary High Eldership.  The Doctor reveals that he’s not entirely unfamiliar with this advanced culture.

Me:  Hmmmm…

Steven and Dodo arrive.  The Doctor shows off his fab gear.

Dodo:  You’re really with it now, Doctor.

Me:  He’s hip to the scene.

Two city youngsters take Steven and Dodo off for a guided tour of the city, whilst Jano quizzes the Doctor. 

Meanwhile, on location, Edal and Exorse are hunting a young lady savage known as Nanina.

Steven and Dodo are being shown some wondrous sights by Avon and Flower.

Me:  ‘Flower’?

The Utopian ideal of the city is discussed.  The sound on the copy we’ve got slows to the point it sounds slightly dreamy and bemused, which oddly enough, quite adds to it.  The Elders have developed something that improves the lives and abilities of everyone within the city, but as to what this is…  Well, that’s a secret.

On location, Nanina runs, falls, crawls and is caught.

Him:  No-one dies in this one, remember?

The Doctor and Jano continue their discussion.  The secret turns out to be that the Elders tap life energy and transfer it into themselves.

Him:  What’s after this?

Me:  The War Machines.

Him:  You know what’s on The War Machines DVD?

Me:  What?

Him:  That Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre sketch.

Me:  Oh yeah.

The Doctor and Jano’s conversation shows no sign of ending anytime soon.

Nanina is steered into the city.

Flower, Steven and Dodo are looking at sculptures and covering Basic Morality.

Flower:  We do everything we want - we go everywhere we want -

Him:  “Kill anyone we want.”

Dodo spots Nanina being herded.  She catches up with Steven and tells him what she saw.  Steven doesn’t believe her.

Me:  I think we might have wandered into an analogy.

Him:  An analogy?

Me:  Almost certainly.

Nanina is guided into a lab where Senta and his assistants are waiting.  Vitality is being measured.  Exorse gets a row for being late.  The strangers are discussed.  Exorse leaves.  Beeping happens.

Elsewhere in the city, the tour’s continuing. 

Dodo notices Exorse and wanders off for an investigative follow.

Jano is justifying the Elders’ policy of life-energy theft to the Doctor.

Dodo’s investigative follow is leading her down corridors towards noises and dramatic string instruments.  Abruptly, Wylda, a life-drained Savage appears.  Dodo screams.

Him:  You’re not writing anything.  This is going to be really boring.

The credits occur.

Him:  That was short.  And the credits are terrible.

Me:  Music by Raymond Jones, eh?

1.  Being hard-of-looking myself, I admit that there may be some truth to this.

EPISODE TWO

Him:  I wish I could summon the Kraken with a click of my fingers.

Me:  I’m quite glad that you can’t.

Just before we recap, we flap flap flap.

Him:  It’s the Neon Butterfly!

Following the funk, and the greatest theme in the history of ever, we drop back into the action with some seriously dramatic stringwork.  Wylda’s stumbling towards Dodo and, for some reason, this causes the Him to start quoting Jeff Wayne’s Musical Version of the War of the Worlds. 

Him:  UUUUULLLLAAAA!!

Me:  Fair enough.

Wylda collapses.  Dodo picks Wylda up and helps him stumble through a door that’s just opened to the outside, where two further beardies await.  The door closes and Dodo slips through back into the City.

Elsewhere, Nanina is being gassed; a process refered to as ‘vapourisation’.  Vats begin to bubble.

Steven still can’t find Dodo.  Neither can Avon and Flower.

The Doctor and Jano have their interminable discussion interrupted by an over-excited Steven.

Back with the vats and the bubbling’s getting worse.  Dodo has wandered in.  She’s spotted and grabbed.  As the Assistants can’t identify her, they decide they’d better vapourise her, just to be on the safe side.

Steven has teamed up with Edal, as well as Flower and Avon, hunting for Dodo.  This time around, they’ve decided to check places that young people wouldn’t dream of being seen in.  Consequently, Dodo is recovered.

Me:  Youthful ignorance twinned with aged exploitation.

Edal gives Senta a ticking off.  After Dodo has left, Nanina is wheeled out.  With all the fuss that Dodo’s been causing, Nanina’s nearly drained away.  Skin like an old bible.  Tch.

Him:  Did he just say ‘Where the Dickens’?

Me:  Yup.  That happened.

Dodo:  It was all so sterile and inhuman.

Steven:  She imagines things.

Him:  “As any fool can plainly see.”

Flower:  I can see that.

The Doctor and Jano finally wrap up the chat.  Dodo and Steven rejoin the Doctor who tries to return to the TARDIS to pick up some documentation.  Jano watches, realising that the jig might, in fact, be up.  He asks Edal where they stand.

Him:  “’What about the Doctor?’  See?  It’s not hard to say at all.”

The Doctor, Steven and Dodo stomp their way through scrubland and have an ambulatory debrief on the way.  They stumble across Wylda, and the Doctor begins to slot his theory together.  The Elders are absorbing the life-force of the Savages.  He sends Steven and Dodo to the TARDIS emergency cabinet for some containers marked D-403.  After they have gone, the Doctor comforts Wylda until Edal turns up.  The confrontation between the two is quite classy.  Hartnell’s on top form.  A bird calls.

Me:  That was good.

Him:  What?  The crow?

Me:  No.  That confrontation.

Dodo and Steven return to find Wylda there, but no sign of the Doctor.  Dodo gives Wylda a capsule.  The Savages emerge from the shrubbery.  Wylda recovers and fills everyone in on what they missed. 

Back in the city, the Doctor’s furious with Jano.

Me:  It’s great.

At this point, something happens to the copy that we’ve found, and it all goes a bit wibbly.

Him:  This is awful, it’s a terrible copy.  I could do a better one than this.

Me:  Go on then.

Him:  There’s no point now.

Me: I think it’s alright.  It’s not up to the usual standard, but it does the job and it’s got to look as different as it can to not be accused of ripping the Loose Cannon bods off.

The outcome of the shouting match is that the Doctor’s to be drained, and so off to the vats he’s carried.

Me:  “I am no Podling, sir!”

Jano and Sentas disagree…

EPISODE THREE

Following the butterfly (and the credits) there’s a countdown.

Him:  “++STOP++”

Me:  They’re draining his essence.

Him:  His benevelessence.

Me:  If you like.  It’s like a first draft of The Dark Crystal.  Before Jim Henson got involved.

Jano wanders in to see how much of the Doctor is now in a bubbly vat.

Me:  “GARTHIM!”

Edal is sent to obtain Steven and Dodo as dessert.

Me:  Keep an eye on Jano from here on in…

Steven and Dodo are being shown around by the Savages.

As Jano prepares to mainline the Doctor, I get an odd image of Freddy Jaeger as a Skeksis.  Luckily, it fades over the next week.

The Dodo hunt is leading soldiers towards a cave. 

Me:  There’s some interesting stuff going on under the surface of this story.

Dodo and Steven are reunited with Nanina and Wylda in the cave.  The Savages have done wonders with it – some throws, the odd cushion and the whole place looks lovely.  Chal, the lead decorator, reveals something interesting.

Him:  Oh – it’s set on an island.

Showing no respect for furnishing, Exorse attacks.  Chaos reigns.  Kind of.

Me:  The music’s great.

Steven and Dodo are directed into some tunnels.  Exorse soon works out where they’ve gone and starts to follow.  Steven has an idea, and brandishes a mirror with grim purpose.

The Him arfs.

Me:  He said ‘masters’.

Exorse fires his light gun, but the beam reflects off Steven’s mirror and Exorse himself is overtaken by its shiny power.

Me:  Y’know, if Steven decides to run for mayor or something, that’ll turn out to have been a good PR move.

Back in the City, the Doctor recovers slowly.

Jano absorbs the Doctor’s essence with Senta’s help.

Me:  Sound like it was filmed in a pet shop.

The transference noises change from bloops to something altogether different.

Me:  Well, it doesn’t now.

Back in the caves, the Savages are gloating over Exorse.  Steven heads back to the City to save the Doctor.  As they all leave, the frustrated Tor tosses a club as Nanina begins befriending Exorse.

Him:  “Razz’n, frazz’n, razz’n, frazz’n…”

The City guard is soon overcome - I should admit that we’re reading the subtitles aloud at this point – Steven’s party enter the City.

Jano has drained his delicious Docshake, and a change is coming over him as a result.

Him:  “Ah, so you’re Daleks are you, hmm?  Very good, carry on.  I’m the Doctor, doncha know?”2

Me:  Jano’s doing a good William Hartnell impression.

Him:  So…  Does that mean that the Doctor thinks that Dodo has a dreadful name?

Me:  Yup.  Jano’s also absorbed Professor Yaffle by the sound of it.

Him:  Doctor Jano and Mr Hyde?

Suddenly…

Him:  Movement?!  Sweet, sweet movement!  Blink and you’ll miss it though.

Me:  Wow.

Dodo recognises a T-junction that leads to the laboratory.  The Doctor is released and Steven and Dodo grab him.  He’s in a right mess.  Edal has been watching all this on the monitor and closes the escape route.  Smoke begins to fill the corridor…

2.  The Him channelling Paul Merton.

EPISODE FOUR

Suddenly, it’s the final full-on four-to-the-floor flap-flap Goa.  Jano Reactor, I’ll wager.3

Anyway, Jano has been watching the smoky corridor shenanigans, and saves our chums.  Edal is furious at this escape and pretty quickly works out that it could only have been Jano who helped.  Jano covers his weird actions by offering to lead the patrol to recapture our chums.

Outside, Dodo and Steven drag the Doctor through many shrubs toward the caves.  They bump into Chal, who takes over for Steven so he can double back and distract the pursuers.

Him:  “Is there/Life on MARS?!”

Me:  What?

No comment is forthcoming.

Steven aims at the patrol and-

Me:  Oop.

Him:  Movement!  I love movement.  Oh, it’s gone.

Steven hits a guard, and the patrol’s pinned down.  The wind rises.

Deeper in the shrubs and the Doctor’s still out of it.

In the caves themselves, Exorse and Nanina have really made a connection.

Me:  Apart from the Skeksis and Podlings there aren’t any monsters in this one.  Not a Land Strider.  Not even Fizzgig.

Him:  “Podlings/Podlings/Podlings/Podlings/

Podlings/Podlings/Podlings/Podlings/

Podlings/Podlings/Podlings/Podlings/

Make good drinks!”

Steven manages to make it to the caves, but he’s been followed by the patrol.  The Doctor slowly recovers.  He fills the time plotting his revenge – and moving for a moment.

The Doctor decides that they’ll wait until dark and then destroy the Elders’ power totally.

Having sent everyone else back to the City, Jano comes over to the caves for a chat.  He offers to help.  During this conflab, Exorse escapes.  Nanina runs after him and tries to change his mind.  It doesn’t work.

In the City, the Elders have worked out that Jano’s Docshake was spiked with conscience.  They await his return suspiciously.

Exorse makes it to the City, just as Jano appears, with prisoners.  The doors are sealed and Edal is taken away.

Jano tries to persuade the Elders to give up their power and destroy their equipment.  The Elders aren’t as taken with this idea as Jano and an emergency alarm begins to sound.  The laboratory is destroyed.  We’re still reading the subtitles.

Him:  Movement!

Following the wholesale vandalism, everyone decides to put their troubles aside.

Him:  Movement!

Jano:  We may need a new leader.  Someone who can unite us.

And, as he must be, Steven is selected for the job.

Me:  Ah.

Steven accepts and there’s more movement.

Me:  Oh, wow.

Him:  He shouldn’t.

Me:  You alright?

Him:  Yeah…

Pause.

Him:  The next one can’t be The War Machines.

Me:  It is.

Him:  But that’s the one where Dodo leaves.

Me:  Or gets pushed.

The Doctor and Dodo say goodbye to Steven.  There’s a wonderful speech from the Doctor, some final movement and the TARDIS leaves.

Me:  Peter Purves has said on several occasions he’d like the series to revisit Steven and find that he’d become a tyrant.  It’s a great idea.

Him:  I’d just like to visit him again.

Me:  You liked Steven didn’t you?

Him:  Yeah.  All the companions are dropping like flies.  Well, no – they’re leaving.  Katarina dropped like a fly.

Me:  Like a Menoptra.

I don’t mention Bret Vyon or Sara as the Him’s made it clear that they don’t actually count as companions.  Even if they should.3

Me:  Thoughts?

Him:  I miss Steven.

3.  “It is not heresy and I will not recant!”

NEXT:  “TO-VEY!?-I-AM-STILL-BE-HIND-YOU-TO-VEY!

-DO-NOT-LOOK!-DO-NOT-LOOK!!-DO-NOT-LOOK!!!”

The Gunfighters

Music, which can be made anywhere, is invisible and does not smell.

- W.H. Auden (who obviously hadn’t watched The Gunfighters)

Me:  Bit of a milestone this story.

Him:  Shall I get the other packet of Matchmakers?

Me:  Yeah.  This is the last one with individual episode titles; it’s numbers from here on in.

Him:  I know.

Me:  And – Doc Holliday’s son ended up writing the TV Movie.  Well, the actor’s son did, not Doc Holliday’s actual son.  So, Anthony and Matthew Jacobs are related.  That’s what I’m saying.

Him:  Okay.  I thought his name was ‘Dog’ Holliday.

Me:  Arf!

Him:  After this, do we really only have The Savages, The War Machines, The Smugglers and The Tenth Planet left?  With Daleks - Invasion Earth 2150 A.D.?

Me:  That’s right.  Anyway, dental care warnings ahoy!

The Him totally misses an opportunity for a swift burst of Lemming of the BDA and we’re off to October 1881.

A HOLIDAY FOR THE DOCTOR

Him:  I was wondering why you were drawing teeth.

Me:  Very good.  Was I?

Him:  Who?

Me:  Somnambulist, I reckon.

Him:  You’ve written a lot for this to only be ten seconds in.

And here comes The Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon.

Him:  What’s that noise?  There’s blood coming out of my ears!

Me:  Ah, yes.  Enlightenment strikes.

Him:  Who?

Me:  Cap’n Wrack; now sells Petrichor; used to hand around with Danger Mouse.

Him:  Who did?  Oh, the little mole thing.  Pedro?

Me:  Penfold.

Him:  ‘Penfold’.  His name was Penfold?

Me:  Still is.  But that’s not who’s singing this.

On it goes.  Horses enter the picture.

Me:  Must’ve been hell getting those up in the lift.  The horses, that is - not the accents.

Him:  Horses in lifts?

The TARDIS materialises slightly to the left.  The Doctor emerges, he’s still got a sore tooth.

Me:  They’ve all got the same clothes on from The Celestial Toymaker.

Steven:  Where are we?

Dodo works it out, and she’s mighty excited as a result.

Dodo:  The Wild West!

It’s the last chance for cussin’ in the Last Chance Saloon.

Him:  “I cuss/You cuss/We all cuss/For asparagus”

Me:  Far Side?

Him:  Far Side.

Charles Kerensky, an intimidated barman, c. 1881

The cowboys we saw earlier, the Clantons, stride in and start threatening to shoot this Doc called Holliday, intimidating the landlord and generally kicking up a ruckus.

Me:  “Not zat zvitch!”

Him:  I don’t think that’s the voice.

Me:  It’s Professor Kerensky’s. I’m borrowing it.

Steven and Dodo emerge from the TARDIS.  They’ve changed.

Dodo:  How do we look?

Me:  Well, Steven looks like Elvis.

The Doctor:  Why can’t you wear inconspicuous clothes, like I do, hmmm?

Ignoring that comment, we move on.

The Doctor confiscates Dodo’s hat for himself.  Steven reminds us of The Chase and then drops his gun.  The Doctor sighs.

The Doctor:  Oh, do be careful, dear boy.  And remember, that belongs to my favourite collection.

Me:  “There’s a matching cloak and everything.”

Steven picks up the gun, only to have it shot from his hands by Wyatt Earp, who promptly arrests them.  The Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon grinds up again.

Cap’n Wrack:  ‘til there’s blood upon the sawdust/At the Last Chance Saloon

Him:  They like that line, don’t they?

Me:  We’ll certainly be encountering it again.  I always associate sawdust with unfortunate moments in school assemblies.  Does that still happen?

Him:  What?  When someone’s sick they cover them with sawdust?

Me:  That’s a lot harsher than it used to be.  They cover the whole child now?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  Blimey.

Him:  “’til there’s vomit under sawdust/At the Last Chance Saloon”

The Clantons conspire.  The only problem they have is that they don’t actually know what Doc Holliday looks like.  At this piece of information, Kate – a dancer – offers her apologies to the intimidated Charlie and sashays off. 

Me:  Dodo’s wandering accent’s more contagious than her colds.

Tinkle go the ivories, like a skull having conniptions, as elsewhere in Tombstone, Doc Holliday’s moving in to his new dental surgery.  His operating chair’s being delicately lowered into place by a couple of farmhands.  Kate warns him that the Clanton’s are in town and there’s some wonderful dialogue.  

Me:  This was written by Donald Cotton, the genius who brought us The Myth Makers.  Wiles and Tosh had liked that story, which makes sense as it was a masterpiece, and they wanted to replicate its magic.  Unfortunately, Innes Lloyd and Gerry Davis who’d taken over as producer and story editor respectively, wanted to do more sci-fi, so this is the start of the historical story’s journey into the dark.

Him:  What?

Me:  It’s the last comedy historical, and almost the last proper historical that doesn’t feature Adric.

Him:  Black Orchid.  Or are you talking about Earthshock?

Me:  You stole my line, you swine!  I was setting that up!

Him:  I don’t have anything else to say at this point.

The Doctor and our chums are being introduced to the goodies.  Here’s Bat Masterson.

Me:  The set looks great.

The Doctor:  Oh quite, quite so.  Allow me, sir, to introduce Miss Dodo Dupont, wizard of the ivory keys, and, uh, Steven Regret, tenor.  And lastly, sir, your humble servant, Doctor Caligari.

Bat Masterson:  Doctor Who?

Me:  Superb.  The oldest question.

The Doctor:  Yes, quite right.

Him:  Who’s ‘Doctor Caligari’?

Me:  Not that oldest question.  Doctor Caligari was a German kohl merchant.  Big in Expressionist Cabinets.

Turns out there’s no need for performers in Tombstone, as it hasn’t got a theatre.  The Doctor asks after a dentist and is directed toward Doc Holliday’s.

The Doctor:  Come, fellow thespians!  No doubt I shall be very glad to see you, meet you, later on, Mr… Mr Werp.

Me:  Ace.

Him:  ‘Mr Werp’.

The Ballad rears its inquisitive head as the picture fades.

After the oversea adverts, Steven is moaning about his name and job title.

The Doctor:  Oh, my dear young man, can’t you sing a little?

Me:  More than Dodo.  This is why she’ll be playing the piano while Mr Purves grimaces his way through the song.

The Doctor sends his companions off as he gingerly approaches the sign of the molar.  The Him’s transfixed.

Him:  “I don’t wanna go.”

Me:  William Hartnell’s ace in this.

Him:  Dodo’s so small.

Me:  She can’t fly either.

Doc Holliday and Kate and the Doctor exchange banter.  It’s great.

The Clantons are playing cards in the Saloon.  This is observed in verse.  But then, everything’s observed in verse in this story.

Me:  There are two-hundred and fifty-seven verses to this song.

Him:  And how many are there really?

Me:  Oh, alright.  There’s only two-hundred and fifty-two.

In-between hands the Clantons are intimidating Charlie some more.

Me:  “Not zat zvitch!”

Whisky is killed just as Dodo and Steven enter the saloon.  Steven attempts to book rooms and inadvertently ends up getting himself and Dodo employed as entertainers.  The Clantons eavesdrop a misunderstanding, so now they reckon the Doctor’s the Doc and Steven’s his sidekick.  Seth Harper heads off to greet the Doc.

Back with the Doc and the Doctor and the extraction’s gone wonderfully.

The song bleats some more as Harper and the Doctor trundle through a wonderful farce whilst the Doc and Kate listen in.  Harper heads off and Doc Holliday gives the Doctor his gun.

The Doctor:  I certainly disapprove of violence.

Him:  Lied the Doctor.

Back in the Saloon, the baddies await the arrival of our unsuspecting hero.  Steven and Dodo are forced to perform at gunpoint. 

The Doctor comes closer… 

The Ballad bangs on… 

A sign appears…

Him:  There it is!

Next:  Don’t Shoot the Pianist

Me:  Dodo’s pretty good on that piano.

Him:  Was that actually Jackie Lane playing it?

Me:  I wouldn’t have thought so.  Is that the first musical cliffhanger?

Him:  It’s the only musical cliffhanger.

Me:  I’m pretty sure that Mel screams in key at the end of an episode of Trial of a Time Lord.

DON’T SHOOT THE PIANIST

We recap – Steven’s murdering a song at gunpoint, hot tears glisten on his cheeks.  Elsewhere, Doc Holliday fills in the story for anyone who’s arrived late.  Luckily, Kate’s written it down for him before heading back to the Saloon.

Me:  Steven’s getting into it.

Steven:  I’ve sung this song four times already.

Me:  That’s over a thousand verses.

Kate saves the day with a song and dance.  The Doctor arrives in the middle of a misunderstanding.  The dialogue sings a lot better than Steven did.

Harper:  Well, if it ain’t the great Doc.

The Doctor:  Oh, you flatter me, young man.  Yes, reasonably accomplished I would say, but not great.

The Doctor also doesn’t drink.

Me:  That’ll change soon enough when there’s a smoking jacket and cheese involved.

Doc Holliday has snuck in like a Silent and drifted up the stairs.  There’s a bang and Harper is shot.  Kate seizes this moment to convince the Clantons that the Doctor is, indeed, Doc Holliday.

A rare still from Doctor on Holliday.

Me:  And, in a brave an unexpected move this is where the series renames itself Doctor on Holliday and becomes an oddly prophetic version of Deadwood.

The deception doesn’t last long, and as the sawdust settles, Doc Holliday abducts Dodo.

Mr Werp enters the story again.

Werp:  Howdy, sinners.

Me:  “Hello, Sheriff.”

Mr Werp arrests the Doctor.  Doc Holliday and Kate prepare to ride out of town with Dodo under their arms. 

Back in the Saloon, Steven’s facing up to the Clantons and preparing to spring the Doctor from jail.

Mr Werp and Doc Holliday have a quick chinwag.  Mr Werp’ll release the Doctor the next morning after explaining to the Clantons that they’ve got the wrong physician.  In the meantime, Doc Holliday’ll have to leave town.

Back in the Saloon there’s schemin’ taking place.  Steven leaves for the jail to rescue the Doctor.

Kate and Dodo are talking about stuff and it’s at this point that I should apologise for the lack of comments.  We’re watching it.

The Doctor is passing the time reading a wanted poster.

Him:  Who reads the backs of wanted posters?  Oh, it’s got the script on it.

Steven tells the Doctor the plan – it all kicks off in ten minutes.  Steven gives the Doctor a pistol and heads off.  The Doctor calls for Mr Werp and twirls the pistol thoughtfully.

Me:  Some fans hate this one.  It had the reputation of being awful for years.

Him:  Why?

Me:  Comedy.

Him:  “Stupid comedy.  Don’t understand it.  Makes me laugh.”

Mr Werp and the Doctor share a moment.

Me:  Beautiful.

A lynch mob’s being set up at the Saloon.

Me:  Oo – lots of people.

Jane of Rod, Jane and Freddy fame is said to be somewhere in the crowd, but I didn’t spot her.

Steven is roped up to provide an alternate lynchin’ if the mob can’t get their hands on the Doctor.

Doc Holliday runs off, straight into Harper.  Harper doesn’t survive the meeting.  Doc Holliday and Kate prepare to leave.  Dodo’s coming along as well.

Me:  He smacked her bottom!

Him:  He did.

The Doctor’s lynch mob have arrived.  The Ballad resumes and carries us to the cliffhanger.

Me:  Oh.

Him:  Second musical cliffhanger.

Me:  Alright, alright.

JOHNNY RINGO

We recap.  Swingin’s still afoot, as the Ballad points out.

The Doctor:  I can’t just stand here and allow them to hang Steven!

I decide to chance it.

Me:  “Now, Adric on the other hand…”

The Him sighs and the showdown continues until Mr Werp breaks it up.

Me:  “Move along now, nothing to see here.”

Charlie runs along and info-dumps all over the street.  This, unsurprisingly, leads to a confrontation between the Clantons and Werp.

Me:  “Ah’m gonna go up ta 4 on the varmint!”

That, more-random-than-usual comment, requires a ‘Link’ - bwah ha!

The Ballad tells us what we’re watching.  The Doctor and Steven recap.

Me:  Still calling him ‘Werp’, I notice.

Steven nearly does too.

Back in the Saloon and the Clantons are planning on calling Johnny Ringo.

Me:  Drinking at that rate they’ll be lucky to contact anyone without having a long lie-down first.

Charlie tells the Doctor and Steven that Dodo’s gone.  And hasn’t left a forwarding address.

Charlie:  Now, mister, if’n you’re involved in a killin’, you don’t leave no messages.  You git.

The Doctor:  Now, don’t be ridiculous.  Doc Holliday’s a great friend of mine.  He gave me a gun, he extracted my tooth.  Good gracious me, what more do you want?

Me:  Another great line.

Kate, Dodo and Doc Holliday arrive at the far end of the street to the straining of the Ballad.  Dodo’s not happy with the arrangement and wants to return to the other end of the set.

"Well, boy.  That kinda looks like a switch to me..."

Charlie and Johnny Ringo (who isn’t played by Patrick Troughton, in what might well have otherwise been a weird echo of Maxil - or a precendent - but is now, simply, a missed opportunity) shoot the breeze1 before Johnny shoots Charlie.

Me:  Well, Charlie won’t be saying “Not zat zvitch!” any more.

We rejoin Doc Holliday and chums.  There’s chuckling.  Dodo obtains a gun, sparkle goes the dialogue as she demands to be returned to the other end of the street.  It ends as, true to her name, Dodo faints.  Which reminds me of a conversation about pheasants I had recently.

Me:  Oh yeah.  Fainting is linked to the fight/flight response – I got it wrong before.  There’re actually at least four states triggered as reactions to extreme danger: fight, flight, faint and freeze.  So, Barbara’s actions in Planet of Giants made sense and I shouldn’t have been rude.  Just wanted to clear that up.

Him:  What did Barbara do in Planet of Giants?

Me:  She fainted.  I think the Glaring Fly was involved.

Him:  What was the Glaring Fly?

Me:  Well, you made it up…

The Doctor, Steven and Johhny Ringo exchange banter over Charlie’s body.

Me:  Hartnell’s on fire in this one.

Steven wipes some imaginary spittle away.

Me:  Nice bit of business, Pete.

In the jail, there’s talk.  We’re heading for the final shootout, so things are stepping up a gear.  I’m fairly sure that the newly-introduced (and therefore disposable) Warren Earp’s waistcoat is a fetching shade of Enterprise Red.  The Doctor enters and fills in the lawmen on the story.

Steven and Johnny have reached the far end of the street.  The Ballad points out that Kate’s on the way and Johnny Ringo perks up at this. 

Johnny Ringo:  Git!

Me:  That’s not a very nice thing to say.

Him:  Arf!

The Clantons arrange a jailbreak that leads to a totally unexpected shootout and the end of Warren Earp’s role as Justified Revenge Motif.

Me:  It’s another one by Donald Cotton that builds to an historic event where not all the characters we’re meeting’ll be reaching the final musical sting.  And again, the audience knows a lot more about what’s going on than the characters do.  Superb.

1.  Probably in the same parallel world where William Hartnell played Wolverine.

THE OK CORRAL

Cap’n Wrack:  He knew Johnny’s name

And he spoke it out loud

Now Charlie the barman

Has gotten a shroud

Him:  “His blood’s on the sawdust”

Me:  “And his brain’s on the wall”

Him:  “His guts’re in the gutter”

Me:  “And his lungs’re on the floor”

Us:  “Of the

“Last Chance

“Saloon”

The Doctor and Werp are filling in the story over Charlie.  He’s become quite a conversation-piece; the Wild West equivalent of the water-cooler.  The Doctor finds himself being deputised.  Oddly enough, the blustery ‘not one line’ speech isn’t in evidence at this turn of events.

The Doctor:  Nothing will ever induce me to raise a gun in anger.

Me:  Hmmmmm…  You haven’t met the Cybermen yet.

The Clanton posse arrive where Steven and Kate are hostaged-up.

Back in Tombstone, Warren’s failing to tell anyone where the gold is.

Disposable Warren:  Shouldn’t have let Phin rile me…

Me:  Shouldn’t have let him shoot you.

Warren dies.  Stress and tension begin to build as a result.  Virgil Earp (‘Verp’) is sent out to tell the Clantons that Werp’s up for a scrap in the morning.

 

Werp:  The law can’t bring my kid brother back.

Me:  “Only the Dark Arts kin do that.  Fetch me a black cat, boy.”

Steven and Kate are waiting for destiny to ride around.

Johnny Ringo:  If you want me, you’d better shout real loud.

Me:  “On account of me being a little deaf‘n’all.”

Verp offers the Clantons a challenge and a venue.  Pa Clanton listens, but won’t let Verp borrow Steven.

Pa Clanton:  Now, git!

Me:  Tch.  This lot are at it now.

Johnny Ringo comes up with a plan.  I leave it as a surprise.

Back at the OK Corral, there’s law-based scheming taking place.  Verp returns and says what he’s seen.  Including the captive Steven.

The Doctor:  Steven, what in the world?

Me:  No, ‘Steven Regret’.

Doc Holliday and Dodo have left the far end of the street long behind: to Tombstone they’ve returned.  Dodo and the Doctor are reunited.  With the arrival of Doc Holliday, the Doctor’s deputisation is rescinded.

Later, the Doctor and Dodo fill in the time before the gunfight with some milk and banter.

The Doctor:  What about this man, Mr Werp?  Supposing he gets himself killed, hmmm?

Him:  He’s still getting his name wrong.

Masterson turns up and asks the Doctor to go and talk to the Clantons in one last attempt to avert bloody sawdust.  Dodo points out it would help Steven too.

The Doctor:  Yes, quite so, my dear.  That thought had passed through my head, yes.

Me:  Rather that than a bullet.

Steven and Kate wait.  And wait.

The Doctor arrives and tries to steer History down a different tributary.

Me:  He can’t stop it.

Him:  I know.

The Clantons harness up at the OK Corral.  You can tell we’re back on film, because Johnny Ringo’s suddenly become English.

Johnny Ringo:  Be seeing you.

Me:  Trouble in Harmony, eh?

The Ballad plasters on a grin for one more tired shuffle.

The preparation for a fight is taking place on both sides.

And, they’re off!

Him:  They’re all really bad shots.

Johnny Ringo grabs Dodo and Doc Holliday shoots him.

Him:  He made a weird noise there.

We rewind.

Me:  He did.

Blam!  Blam!  Someone falls over some railings.

Me:  Oo.

Him:  Is that how the real thing went?

Me:  Near enough,2 I guess.  It’s a bit longer here.

There’s a shot of feet and it’s all over, bar the buryin’. 

Goodbyes are said. 

The Doctor:  Oh, my dear Dodo, my dear Dodo.  You know, you’re fast becoming a prey to every cliché-ridden convention in the American West.

The TARDIS is entered.  And then…

Me:  Whoah.  Big change.

Him:  “Steven, you stay in the TARDIS.”

On the scanner, a bloke approaches.

Me:  Odd cliffhanger.

And, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the credits.

Me:  Thoughts?

Him:  It’s an educational one more than anything else.

Me:  Did you like it?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  What did you like about it then?

Him:  I just like that one.

Me:  So.  The Savages next.

Him:  Uh-huh.  I don’t want to watch The Savages.

Me:  Because of Steven?

Him:  Yeah.  I’ve grown to like Steven.  And Hi-Fi.

Pause.

Him:  In time, I’ll grow to like all the companions.  Even Turlough.

Me:  Even Mel.

Him:  I don’t know much about Mel.

Me:  She could scream in key.

The Him has a go at demonstrating this.

Next:  What Happened to Steven

2.  Nothing like. 

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