"You kids wasting your lives, reading silly comics! Get a proper job! You wouldn't catch ME having fun, I live in the real world, mate!"
- Jamie Smart, The Amazing Tale of the Moose Kid!!
Me: Well, we’ve just finished reading the first issue of Moose Kid Comics. What did you think?
(The Him attempts to open a box of mint poppets without using his hands.)
Him: Sorry, I was momentarily distracted. Were you asking a question?
Me: Moose Kid-
Me: It’s you! You’re the Moose Kid!
Him: I hadn’t noticed up until this moment.
Me: It’s a bit of an in-joke.
Him: It’s not even that. It’s more of an in-statement.
Me: Yeah. Anyway, let’s talk about Moose Kid Comics.
Him: Alright then.
Me: Did you enjoy it?
Him: Well – I think that you should be the one to answer the questions first of all.
Me: I’m always going on about comics.1
Him: But there’s no recorded evidence of that. Until today.
Me: Yeah, yeah – I’ll get that Comics Unmasked ‘review’ finished soon.
Him: Haven’t you been working on that for, like, a month?
Him: And it still isn’t done?
Him: Have you even started it?
Him: Did you start on it about a month ago and you just hav-
Me: I’ll get it finished! I’ve been busy!
Him: Anyway, you’re getting us sidetracked with all this talk of your Comics Unmasked ‘review’.
Me: I’m keen on tangents.
Him: Yes. You really are. But you never really liked cos or sin.
Me: Oi! Less of the maths!
Him: It’s not so big a problem if you want to add two vectors together – it’s a larger issue for when you want to calculate the remaining side of a triangle given only the two other sides and an angle.
(Long, long pause. Like a sloth.)
Me: So, Moose Kid Comics…
Him: I need about four minutes of solitude to think about this.
Me: Have you finished those poppets? Don’t go to sleep!
Him: I’m tired.
Me: Quick-fire then?
Him: These are very specific questions. I feel you should find a more ranged and diverse method of questioning.
Me: Alright. Would you put it in the same food group as The Phoenix?
Him: Honestly, I wouldn’t eat either of them.
Me: But you’d read them.
Him: Yes. But you don’t read apples.
Me: Do you think Moose Kid Comics should be made available in schools?
Him: I dunno. First of all you’d have to get past the many layers of people who think that comics are… I don’t know… I’d need a word.
Him: ‘Intelligence-removing objects’. That’s what they think they are.
Me: What do you think?
Him: Well, what do you think?
Me: I think there’s a danger in removing intelligent objects from childhood. And despite all the parping, Moose Kid Comic’s an intelligent object.
Him: Now, I see the comparison. Apples are intelligent objects as well.
Me: We’re a bit rusty with this whole blog thing, aren’t we?
Him: I don’t know. I think I’m still avoiding questions like a pro.
Him: Not particularly. Not as much as you said it would. Although… I suppose… I don’t know. I haven’t read that much Oink!. I didn’t grow up in the same era that you did.
Me: That’s because we don’t have time travel.
Him: You say that like it’s my fault.
Me: It might yet turn out to be.
Him: I like to think that if I invent time travel I’d have given it myself by now. Maybe I have, but because this is the first run-through I’ll be the one that gives it to my younger self, but in doing so it’ll create a parallel universe, or a different time stream in order to fix all the paradoxes.
Me: Well, that was very rude. Personally, I thought the art was great and I enjoyed the stories. It’s wonderful seeing Tom Paterson being involved and –
Aren’t you going to ask me who Tom Paterson is?
Him: No. I know who he is.
Me: Ha! I really hope it’s a success. Kudos to Jamie Smart and everyone involved. It’s a noble thing.
Feel free to go THRRPP! at this point.
Him: No, no. I’m thinking of something.
Me: While that’s happening, I’ll tell both our readers to go and download their own copies shall I?
Him: Wait! I’ve got it!
Me: Go on then.
Him: It’s like Picasso and Da Vinci teamed up to make… Something else. It was a nice idea but I can’t quite remember it.
Him: Now that – that is an in-joke.
Me: Yes, yes it is.
Him: That no-one will ever get. No matter how hard they try.
Me: So they stop reading this and go and read Moose Kid Comics?
Him: That sounds like a plan.
1. I was lucky enough to be asked to appear as a guest on the Desert Island Who podcast earlier this week - hello Mr Conrad and Mr Will2 - and I managed to talk for ages and ages about comics. In the end, a lot of it didn't make the final cut but I did try.
2. No, I'm not telling you my theory about The Chase just yet...