The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
- Alfred Hitchcock
Me: Before we go anywhere, I’m, going to mention a couple of things, if that’s okay with you?
Him: Yeah, sure. What be they?
Me: Okay. They be that we’re watching this on Easter Sunday and, although I’ve made one ludicrous pun that coaxed a groan from a chum, I’m pretty chuffed that I haven’t once made the obvious Dalek pun. That would have been- (Deep breath) - “EGG-SCRU-CIAT-ING!”
Silence.
Me: I’m really glad I didn’t just do that.
Him: Did you have constipation there? Or, are there… no constipations?
Me: Ha! Nonsense aside, I wanted to dedicate this one to Philip Madoc, who died recently. Is that alright with you?
Him: Who’s Philip Madoc?
Me: (sigh) He-
Him: Is he one of these people that you expect me to know?
Me: He’s in this. I’ll point him out.
Him: Who?
Me: Philip Madoc.
Him: Who’s Philip Madoc? Is he that guy who was in the trailer?
Me: No, you’re thinking of Quatermass.
Him: What?
Me: I can remember watching this on video at my Uncle’s. It’s such a clear memory it might even have happened. I’m fairly sure that he had a copy of this and Star Wars. This is back when a video cost more than a car, so that’s quite a library. How many times you’d watched Star Wars was used as a barometer of cool, which, oddly enough, still holds true today…
Him: I must be horribly unpopular then.
Me: I don’t know. I think it’s undergone a pole-shift.
Him: Do you think people even read these? Or do they just click through looking for whatever picture they’re after?
Me: I think that both of our followers read every comma and chuckle at every hidden gag.
Him: I’ll have to write a spin-off series about Doctor Coo now, won’t I?
Me: It’s not-
Him: “DOC-TOR COO!”
Me: -compulsory. Shall I explain that gag?
Him: Um… I don’t get- What gag? What are A, B and C?
Me: “I am the Prince of Chichester”.
Pause.
Me: I feel like we’re putting off watching this.
Him: That’s ‘cause it’s boring.
Me: It’s in colour.
Him: That’s right: I like colour.
And we’re off.
The action begins at night. There’s a chap sat in a car. A policeman walks along the deserted street, planning a holiday.
Me: It’s Wilf.
Him: Not Ian?
Me: No, he’s Wilf.
And will be referred to as such throughout, no matter how many time people tell me he should be called ‘Tom’. Anyway, the chap in the car has jumped out and whacked Wilf on the noggin with a sock full of sand.
Me: And he’s got a concussion.
A jewellers explodes and blackguards make a getaway. Wilf stumbles groggily to his feet, toots his whistle and throws a truncheon. None of this helps. He runs past a Sugar Puffs advert and spies a police box.
Me: Where’s the music coming from?
Him: The organ. The Doctor’s organ.
Me: What?
Wilf opens the door to the police box and descends into a hellish nightmare. There’s an elderly gentleman inside-
 |
Him: He hasn’t got any pupils. |
- along with Roberta Tovey and someone who isn’t Barbara. Kind of makes you wonder what happened to Barbara (and Ian) in the missing cinema tales.
Me: Who’s she?
Him: Barbara. Come on, you should know that.
Me: What are you hinting at?
Him: You can’t wait for Meglos.
Me: Hmmmm…
Overcome at the lack of Barbara, Wilf collapses. The police box vanishes and a passer-by prat-falls, stares straight at us and delivers one of the looks that so dignified cinema in the Sixties..
Him: Ha!
Me: Great. More comedy and no fourth wall.
Cue credits.
Us: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrruuuuuuuuuuu!
The title comes up and- Oh, alright, I’ll see if I can find it. You need to see this.
Me: That’s a different spelling again! That’s the third one. Right. That’s the one I’m using, as it’s on the film itself.
Him: Wouldn’t it have been cool if they’d made a film of The Chase?
Me: ‘Cool’ is an interesting word to use in the rest of that sentence.
Him: Well, imagine The Daleks’ Master Plan.
Me: It’d be longer than Heimat.
Him: What’s Heimat? It’d be longer than Lord of the Rings.
Me: Definitely the Bakshi.
Him: I don’t need my back shaved.
Me: That’s good.
The credits and space-funk continue.
Me: I want this music played at my funeral.
Him: I’m sure there was something I wanted to remember about… It’ll come back to me.
Me: See? Philip Madoc.
Him: What’s with the Jaws water?
Me: It’s a flushed toilet that someone’s dropping paint into. On those lines, I can’t remember if Syd’s in this.
Him: The Slyther!
Me: Oh yes.
More credits.
Me: Oh, David Whitaker.
Him: Oh…
And the director was…
Me: That’s Jason Flemyng’s dad. No escaping Quatermass here.
His vision comes into focus slowly, like a newly hatched alligator. Oh, great. Its…
Me: “Tovey… Don’t look behind you, Tovey…”
Wilf’s quizzed as to the date by the elderly chap. Not-Barbara seems quite taken with Wilf. Ms Tovey announces arrival. The date is dropped gently into conversation.
Him: “2150 A.D.”
Introductions are made. My toes curl in anticipation.
Doctor Who: I am Doctor Who.
Me: Oh no!
Doctor Who: This is my niece, Louise. And my grand-daughter, Susan.
Him: Oo – he’s about to say “This is my time and space machine-“
Me: No!
Him: “TARDIS.”
Me: No!
Doctor Who: This is my time and space machine, TARDIS.
Me: NO!
Doctor Who: It is capable of taking us to any age, on any planet, in any universe.
Me: “As long as there are Daleks there.”
Outside TARDIS is a bit of a mess. Luckily, despite the wholesale enslavement of humanity, advertising hasn’t been massively compromised and there’s a very prominent Sugar Puffs poster just next to TARDIS.
Him: “Vetoed”.
Suzie Who: Are you sure it’s 2150?
Me: Nineteen-Fifty perhaps.
Wilf does the obligatory spluttering and non-believing bit quite well, to be fair.
Me: Wilf’s alright.
Oops. Suzie Who’s knocked a girder over. A reenactment of one of Buster Keaton’s most stolen moments seems on the cards.
 |
Him: “No! Grandfather!” |
Me: The films were always much darker.
Just kidding. She isn’t squashed.
Him: So – Suzie’s going to marry David Tennant at the end of this?
Me: No. She’s jam.
Him: “Sugar Puffs!”
Me: I’ll probably have to draw the Honey Monster as well as a Womble.
Him: There was something I had to remember. It’ll come back to me.
Me: Bit slow of mind today, are we?
Our heroes seek cover next to the Sugar Puffs poster as TARDIS vanishes under most of a house. There’s a subtle nod to Susan.
Me: Oh, she’s hurt her ankle.
Leaving Not-Barbara and Suzie Who to fend for themselves, Doctor Who and Wilf wander off through the rubble looking for a crowbar. Or something.
Him: “I’m not a half-wit.”
Me: Fair play though, Wilf’s calling him ‘Doctor’.
In a warehouse a startling discovery is made.
Him: It’s a shoe
And it’s a shoe on the bottom end of a deceased Robogumby.
Him: “Oh my God, it’s Alfred Molina.”
Me: What? How’d you know Alfred Molina?
Him: Huh?
Me: How’d you know Alfred Molina?
Him: Who’s Alfred Molina?
Me: Satipo.
Him: I know he’s Doctor Octopus. And Doctor Octagonopus.
Me: Ha!
Not-Barbara’s dipping a hanky.
Me: Meanwhile, in the sterile waters of the Thames.
Suzie Who’s gone missing. Not-Barbara turns to us for help, but we’re powerless.
Me: There’s obviously no fourth wall in 1950.
Not-Barbara, clambers up some rubble.
Him: Except that fourth wall advertising SUGAR PUFFS!
Me: Ah.
Quatermass appears and is rude.
Me: Hello, Bernard.
Not-Barbara and Quatermass elope or something. Luckily, they manage to run close enough to the Sugar Puffs poster for it to get some quality screen-time.
Meanwhile, Doctor Who and Wilf are examining their exciting find’s helmet. But they aren’t alone…
Me: Did you see David Tennant there?
Him: Are those all boxes of Sugar Puffs?
Me: Ha! No.
Hearing a sound, Doctor Who and Wilf wander through the maze of boxes.
Me: “I say, Wilf. I’ve found the Ark of the Covenant.”
Wilf tries a door, only to find that it doesn’t lead anywhere, someone having stolen the rest of the building.
Me: Oo – good stunt.
Him: This is the days before Health and Safety, isn’t it?
Me: Yeah. You’d never see the real Sean Connery riding on top of a real train through Ireland these days. And not just because he’s retired.
The sounds of shooting are heard. Not-Barbara and Quatermass pause as they spot a saucer.
Me: Looks real at least.
Him: Better than the – Oh look! I can see strings!
Me: Damn. So you can.
Doctor Who and Wilf also spot the saucer.
Quatermass pulls Not-Barbara into a subway station where Suzie Who awaits.
Me: Hob’s End station?
Him: So, in this film we have Suzie Who, Doctor Who, Someone Who and Tom Chesterton?
Me: It’s something like that. I’m calling him Wilf.
Him: Wilf Chesterton? Or Wilf Mott?
Me: ‘Wilt Moff?’
Him: No. ‘Wilf Mott’. It’s not a Steven Moffat reference.
Me: It is now.
Him: SUGAR PUFFS!
The chap playing David Tennant doesn’t look anything like him, unfortunately. He greets Quatermass’ troupe next to a picture of, what appear to be, peaches.
Me: Del Monte must’ve got some placement paid for too.
Him: So, who is she? Is she Barbara Who?
Me: I honestly don’t care.
Him: Put the subtitles on.
Me: There aren’t any.
Him: What?
Me: I know.
Doctor Who finds the dropped handkerchief, and repeats his neice’s name. Which is lucky for us, as we’d missed it before.
Me: ‘Louise’?
Him: Louise Who?
Me: Apparently so.
Robogumbies appear. And from the sterile waters of the Thames, there rises…
Him: I see a Dalek.
Doctor Who: Daleks!
Me: “Everywhere I land!”
Him: It still doesn’t make any sense that it’s in the river. Unless it was fishing.
There’s a brief confrontation.
Me: Oh. There’s the rope that’s pulling it.
Him: So, there was no-one in it?
Me: Let’s hope not.
The music funks out as Wilf and Doctor Who are taken away to the saucer we saw earlier. A new bunch of Daleks chase David, who’s observed all of this taking place.
Meanwhile, with the rebels. Dortmun’s theme plays – it’s a bit ‘parpy’. The Daleks broadcast a brief news update. This takes Suzie by surprise.
Suzie Who: Daleks?
Me: “Everywhere I land!”
The Him mishears part of the Dalek address.
Him: Of your what?
Me: He said ‘masters’.
Dortmun: We’ll show them who the masters are.
Me: Oh, don’t you start.
Him: What did he say?
Me: ‘Masters’.
Dortmun fills Suzie Who and Not-Barbara in on the Daleks’ master plan.1
Me: Still blabbing about in Bedfordshire.
Him: It’s the only place in Britain with Dalekanium.
 |
| "...mutter...mutter...little honey jackets...mutter" |
Wilf and Doctor Who have reached the Dalek ship.
Me: That looks alright.
The prisoners are herded aboard. Doctor Who takes this moment to tell Wilf about what happened in the last film.
Me: It doesn’t make any sense here either.
Him: Oo – I see a red Dalek. So, is The Daleks the last chronological Dalek story?
Me: Ummm… Terry N thought that would be logical, so yes. But obviously not. So, no.
Him: But, is it not technically the last Dalek story? They should’ve known who the Doctor was.
Me: Yeah.
Him: The Daleks are like River Song really. We’re seeing their story in the wrong order.
Me: It doesn’t help that the Doctor changes their history every time he encounters them.
The Red Dalek is having a chat to a couple of prisoners. One of them’s getting ready to make a break for it.
Me: Keep your eye on the guy in the black jumper.
Him: Ok.
Me: Tell me if you can spot when he breaks his ankle.
Him: Ok.
He legs it! Over rubble, up the side of a ruined building, along the top of the ruined building, then down through some awnings onto another pile of rubble-
Him: Oo! Is it when he lands?
Me: Yup. Other than that, it’s a great stunt.
Seeing as he can’t run anywhere, the Daleks extinguish the stuntman.
Back with rebels, plotting’s afoot.
Him: What’s her name? Miranda?
Me: Louise.
Him: Louise.
Back on the ship, Wilf, Doctor Who and someone else are popped into a cell. Thoughtfully, the Daleks have left a puzzle to give their prisoners something to do whilst they await Robogumbification.
Me: It’s The Adventure Game.
Him: It’s not. The Adventure Game was impossible.
Wilf’s got a comb.
Him: Why’s he got a comb?
Me: He wants to look good for Louise.
Doctor Who uses Wilf’s comb to escape. An escape to danger as it turns out. Those sneaky bubbling canisters of hate-jelly had the whole thing planned. Swines.
Doctor Who: What are you going to do with us?
Him: “BRUSH-YOUR-HAIR!”
The Daleks broadcast another final warning.
Dortmun: We’ll come out of our hiding places, and fight!
Me: Been making bombs, have we?
Him: No.
Me: They’re talking about suicide bombing here.
Him: Really?
Me: I’m afraid so.
Popping on Robogumby helmets is the course of action ultimately decided upon, instead of mass suicide. The rebels prepare to attack the Dalek ship.
Doctor Who and Wilf have completed the first stage of Robogumbification, the costume-fitting. Now they await the rinse and set…
Me: Glisteny.
Him: The intelligence test was a lot harder in the series.
The party of rebels reach the ship.
David: We’re taking the prisoners to the spaceship.
Me: “YEAH!-AL-RIGHT!”
Him: “I-BE-LIEVE-YOU!”
And he does.
The rebels make their way up the ramp and into the bowels of the ship. A Dalek confronts them and it all kicks off. No quarter is asked. And none given…
Him: “WHY-ME?!-I’M-JUST-A-REG-U-LAR-DA-LEK-DO-ING-MY-JOB!-I-DON’T-EVEN-GET-PAID-FOR-THIS!”
There are explosions and general Dalek panic.
Him: Jeez! There’s a guy catching fire there!
More explosions and the rescue, mostly, takes place.
Him: I don’t even remember if the Slyther’s in this.
Not-Barbara locks herself in a storage cupboard as The March of the Robogumbies plays. The Him mimes along.
Me: Alright. That music’s going to get on my nerves.
The fight continues.
Me: Quatermass just shoved that bloke off the ramp.
Him: And that guy got grabbed around the mouth with a whip.
Me: The stunts are pretty good.
Fire breaks out. The Daleks extinguish it.
Him: See? The Daleks are putting out the fires.
Wilf is trapped on the ship.
Doctor Who and David hide in the sewers.
Quatermass observes the ship taking off. Suzie Who’s under his protection now.
Wilf disguises himself as a Robogumby. The music jollies up as ‘comedy’ occurs.
Me: It’s not just Wilf that gets it wrong, either.
More comedy. Not as synchronous as it probably should be.
Me: That guy on the end’s worse than Wilf.
Mercifully, the scene ends and we’re back at the rebel base with Quatermass, Dortmun and Suzie Who.
Him: Where are they?
Me: Fourth moon of the planet Yavin.
Him: What?
Me: “The bombs were fine.”
There’s a Dalek announcement. They’ve had enough of this nonsense and they’re going to wipe London off the remaining maps. Suzie leaves a message for Doctor Who.
Him: “Neatness first.”
Daleks patrol near the sewers, totally missing Doctor Who and David.
Him: “DOES-THAT-BRICK-LOOK-DIFF-ER-ENT-TO-YOU?!”
Back with Wilf and the ‘comedy’ keeps comin’. Luckily, he bumps into Not-Barbara.
Me: Louise, is it?
Him: Louise Jenna Coleman.
Me: Very good.
Whilst looking for somewhere to hide, Not-Barbara’s jumper starts a conveyor belt of pick-n-mix.
Me: They’ve woken the sweets.
Hilarity ensues. Wilf finds a disposal chute that acts like a giant vacuum.
Him: Oh, that’s cool.
Doctor Who and David return to the rebel base only to find it deserted. You’d have thought that Suzie would’ve left a message. Tch.
 |
| No comment. |
Me: I’m saying nothing. Sue Perryman nailed this one.
The Dalek ship’s away.
Him: Those things underneath look like legs. They look like crab’s legs.
Suzie, Quatermass and Dortmun have found a van. Sadly, the Daleks have found them.
Me: It’s time for Dortmun’s Noble Sacrifice.
Him: This isn’t where he dies is it?
Me: Listen to the music.
Him: Sounds like bad dance music.
There’s a bang and Dortmun and the Daleks have a building land on them. From beneath the rubble, Dortmun’s hand fixes on one of the chair’s wheels.
 |
Me: Give it a spin. |
He does.
Me: Well done.
Quatermass indulges in a spot of Dalek hit-and-run.
Him: What did he use to break the windscreen? Was it a side-mirror?
Me: Might’ve been.
Him: I wonder if ‘Terry Nation’ is written on the inside of these Daleks.
The Dalek ship chases Quatermass’ plucky van. There’s a lucky chicken escape before the van is cornered.
Me: “Abandon van!”
The Daleks kill the van. Quatermass and Suzie Who resign themselves to walking. Quatermass asks Suzie if she reckons her grandfather’ll follow them to Watford.
Suzie Who: If he reads the message I left.
Me: “Otherwise he’ll just leave. For somewhere else with Daleks.”
Doctor Who and David decide to avoid Watford altogether. They walk on and there’s a brief altercation that ends with two very wet Robogumbies.
Him: Dunking!
Me: Another good stunt.
The Dalek ship lands and Wilf and Not-Barbara leave through the disposal chute.
Me: “Looks like Bedfordshire.”
The Dalekanium Mine is revealed.
Me: That looks alright.
Wilf and Not-Barbara are noticed. A chap comes to their aid and Wilf wallops the Noticing Robogumby.
Chap: What do you think you’re doing, you crazy idiot? The Daleks’ll miss him!
Me: “He’s their favourite.”
Suzie Who and Quatermass have found a house in the woods.
Me: Bit posh.
The Women in the Woods confront Quatermass and Suzie Who with a shotgun. The Him makes shooting noises for almost a full minute.
Doctor Who and David have reached the mine. There’s an interesting sonic choice that the director’s made for this bit.
Me: I notice the music’s only exciting when we’re looking at the mine.
And then it all gets a whole lot better.
Me: It’s Philip Madoc.
 |
Him: Who’s Philip Madoc? |
Philip Madoc captures Doctor Who and David.
Darkness falls.
Me: This one’s just been a non-starter.
Him: It’s so boring.
Back in the woods, one of the Women returns from betraying our chums. She’s got carrots. Quatermass is unhappy. Carrots must be pretty expensive on the black market. He wakes Suzie Who and they Escape to Danger, being captured by a Dalek almost instantly.
Wilf and Not-Barbara are still hid in a hut.
Philip Madoc is rude to David and Doctor Who before leading them to the same hut that Wilf and Not-Barbara are waiting in. Following the joyous reunion, the Daleks’ master plan1 is again discussed. It’s the whole, hollow-out-the-earth’s-core-and-take-it-for-a-spin idea.
Me: The plan’s not been improved on its journey to the cinema.
Meanwhile, in the Dalek control room, exposition is taking place. Soon, there will be a countdown…
Me: Nice bit of unsteadicam.
Doctor Who’s looking at shafts. A plan is forming.
Him: “Viaduct? Vy not a chicken?”
The plan’s basically the same as in the TV series – divert the bomb so it blows up somewhere else and magnetises the Daleks to death. Philip Madoc listens and then slips away for some prime treachery.
Him: If this wants to be in my top 10,000 films list, then it’ll end soon.
The film continues.
Me: I guess it doesn’t.
Wilf heads into the mine. There’re some interesting camera angles.
Me: There’s been some thought put into it by the director.
Wilf and someone else find the shaft. Someone else falls down it with a Robogumby.
 |
| "WE-ARE-RIGHT-OUT-OF-SIL-VER!" |
Doctor Who’s been sold out by Philip Madoc. The Daleks are so happy about this they exterminate him as a reward. Philip Madoc, that is.
Wilf’s made it to the top of the shaft. The Big Red Bomb dangles…
Him: It doesn’t have spikes on it anymore.
Me: I wish the Slyther was in this.
Doctor Who, Suzie Who and Quatermass meet up in the Dalek control room. Doctor Who spots Wilf in the shaft and drops hints as to the best way to sabotage the Daleks’ plans. Following this, he hops across to a microphone and demands that all the Robogumbies attack the Daleks. Oddly, the Daleks don’t take this opportunity to exterminate him or anything. The Robogumbies take their helmets off.
Him: Why’d they take their helmets off?
There’s lots of ‘Aaargh!’ and rough and tumble.
Me: It’s a good stunt team alright.
Amidst the carnage, an old friend is wheeled out.
Me: It’s the Countdown Dalek!
Him: I’m disappointed he’s not orange and blue.
It’s all relly exciting1 by this point, I have to say.
Wilf’s doing stuff in the shaft. The Countdown’s counting down. There’s a piano wandering around to help heighten the tension. Down goes the bomb.
Me: Oops.
Him: How do they know where it’s going?
There’s a chilling moment where Wilf is confronted by a Dalek. It’s got him point-blank bang to rights, so it comes as a shock that this is resolved by:
Me: “Quick! Put a blanket over it!”
Dalek Bomb: Boom!
The suddenly magnetised Daleks are sliding all over the place. One goes right through the wall. It’s all a bit violent.
Him: He lost his lights.
The red Dalek we saw earlier is magnetically tugged down the hole. Bits are lost.
Me: Oo!
Him: Unfortunately, that’s not the Stunt Dalek.
Feeling left out, the Dalek ship explodes. Outside the mine there’s general panic as the ship turns itself into a brick.
Him: “Look! Its strings have snapped!”
Dalek Ship: Boom!
Him: I didn’t think it was going to do that.
We have a very interesting, and damn funny, conversation, at this point, but I couldn’t be bothered writing it down.
Everything wrapped up nicely, it’s back to London to dig out TARDIS.
Him: What do you mean ‘slow of mind’?
Me: Ha!
We bid a bye to Wilf with a reprise of the opening scene. This time however, there’s a difference.
Me: Unfortunately, Wilf bumps into himself and the subsequent Blinovitch Limitation Effect destroys the Universe.
Him: And the Reapers come!
Me: Oh, yes.
With a final wave, that’s the cinematic adventures of Doctor Who come to an end. Unless you count the recent trailers, which we might when we get there.
It’s the credits.
Him: He’s even listed as ‘Doctor Who’.
Pause.
Him: There’s something I really needed to remember about this…
Pause.
Him: I AM THE PRINCE OF CHICHESTER!
Pause.
Him: No. That is not it.
End.
NEXT:1
NEXT: (really)
1. Sorry. Sorry.
