Thursday, 30 April 2015

Epipod Six: Reptile Collector

My aim in this world is to make that brown snake, that crocodile, that koala, that red-backed spider, that black widow, look good. That's my job. 
– Steve Irwin

 I make television because I want to change the way people think. 
– Mark Strickson

Me:  We’ve had comments about our lack of show notes. 

Him:  Okay. 

Me:  Do you know what show notes are? 

Him:  It’s not really my area. 

Me:  Fair enough.  Just to give you the heads-up that there’ll be show notes on this epipod. 

Him:  Alright. 

Me:  At this stage you still don’t know what we’re doing. 

Him:  No. 

Me:  Is that exciting? 

Him:  No. 

Me:  Even knowing there’ll be a Paul McGann variant cover? 

Him:  Ooo.  Everything should have a Paul McGann variant cover.  I expect you to do one for every drawing from this point on as well. 

Me:  Ha!  Don’t hold your breath. 

Him:  Why not? 

Me:  Because you’ll pass out. 

Him:  Oh.  That makes sense. 

Me:  Any idea what we’re going to be talking about? 

Him:  I still don’t, no.  But they do.  They know more than me. 

Me:  Both of ‘em? 

Him:  Yup.  All both of them. 

Me:  Excellent.  Brace for adventure, Lady and Gentleman.  Let’s journey into mystery!

The Him makes a noise not dissimilar to a deflating armadillo.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Epipod Five: DWM 485 Commentingary

Mistakes are at the very base of human thought feeding the structure like root nodules.
- Lewis Thomas

Me:  So, how are we introducing this?

Him:  I’m tired.

Me:  Me too.

Him:  I’m warm.

Me:  Yeah, that’ll probably do.

Him:  I just recorded a commentingary.  You can read about it below.  Or listen to it, I suppose.  You won’t get far if you read about it.

Me:  That sums up this particular commentingary alright.1

Him:  And a good night’s sleep to all of you at home. 

1.  How many Nimon?

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Epipod Four: The Further Adventures of Indiana Jones' Hat

Everything you can imagine is real.
- Picasso


Computers are stupid.  They can only give you answers.
- Picasso

Me:  I should probably explain why we don’t have show notes.  Hmmm…1 

The sea badger yawns once and then goes back to sleep.

Me:  What’s this one about then?

Him:  Isn’t it more fun to leave it as a surprise?

Me:  For whom?

Him:  For everyone.

Me:  Quite possibly.  Would you like to break the fourth wall?

Him:  We don’t really have one.

Me:  That’s true.  How about offering hints and teasers?

Him:  Um…  Like cryptic crossword clues?

Me:  Love ‘em.  Go on then.

Him:  I knew you were going to say that. 

Me:  Sorry.

Him:  Just so long as you are.

Me:  Constantly.

Him:  Well then.

Me:  Not even a hint?

Him:  I feel there’s a sea badger coming on.

Me:  We’ve already had the sea badger.

Him:  Oh, have we?  That’ll be what the smell is.

Me:  I think you’ll find that’s the pungent reek of The Fog remake.  I can’t shift it.  Tried a match and everything.

Him:  You’re not a fan of that film are you?

Me:  Nope. 

Him:  Just as long as you’re honest.

Me:  That’ll probably do as an introduction.

Him:  Yep, I reckon so.

Me:  Unless you wanted to mention the way we only seem to be doing commentingaries on old shows that're all set in the same universe?

Him:  No.  Didn’t want to say anything about that.  Did you?

Me:  It’s so obvious, it’s probably pointless.

Him:  Okay.

Me:  Lady and gentleman, here’s a thing.

Him:  “I’m the Me.”

Me:  Ha!  “And I’m the Him."

1.  Basically, if you're interested in something we say that you didn't already know, you're more than capable of looking it up for yourself.  Also, no-one reads them.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Epipod Three: The Shunned Sandwich (no egg)

It has always seemed to me that my existence consisted purely and exclusively of nothing but the most outrageous nonsense. 
- Thomas ‘Laughing Boy’ Ligotti

Me:  The Rats in the Walls?

Him:  The walls were full of rats, remember?

Me:  Yeah, yeah.

Him:  “I can smell them!  I’m going to have to shut this shop down, it’s full of rats!”

Me:  It was probably just builders next door, I didn’t mean to frighten the poor person.  So, any titles there you think we can cannibalise or cobble together or do you want to come up with a new one?  ‘cause we can’t just call this, ‘The Trap Door and Other Weird Tales’.

Him:  The Unnameable  In the Vault

Me:  I dunno.

Him:  The Horror at Fang Rock

Me:  The Horror at Fang Rock’?  That’s been done, I think.

Him:  Sorry, I misread it.  It’s The Horror at Red Hook.

Me:  Ummm…

Him:  The Colour Out of Space

Me:  That’s a good un.  Unless we mash two of them together?

Him:  What?  Like ‘The Call of Pickman’s Model’?

Me:  We could do that, yeah.

Him:  I meant like that, I didn’t mean that.

Me:  No.

The sea badger makes its squamous way across the room, ruining the carpet.

Him:  The Shunned Sandwich’?

Me:  Ha!  The Shunned Sandwich’!

Him:  The Shunned House and The Dunwich Horror.  Or Dunwich.

Me:  It’s Dunwich.

Him:  Dunwich.  I’ve never been there, so I don’t know.

Me:  It’s twinned with Rhyl.

Him:  Really?

Me:  Ha!  No.

Him:  It’s a shame that it’s not The Shunned Sandwich.  I’d have liked that.

Me:  Shall we call it that? 

Him:  Yeah, alright. 

Me:  The Shunned Sandwich.  That’s our intro.