Batman v Superman 'review'

I was surprised with the fervency of the defence of the concept of Superman.  I feel like they were taking it personally that I was trying to grow up their character.
- Zack Snyder

That American optimism... I think it does speak to, now that we’re a global family, what it means to police the world and how hard that is. 
- Zack Snyder

I’ve always loved the great tragedies; King Lear, The Poseidon Adventure, Superman 2…
- Garth Marenghi

Me:  So, I’ve watched it.

I was too knackered afterwards to write anything.  I’d planned to, but I just couldn’t face it.  There’s been a circus over the last week and I’m conscious that this piece’ll add an ineffectual plop of vomit-covering sawdust to the stampeding media elephants filling your feeds and various screens.  I’m still going to say it though.

The critics are right: this film’s a dog’s breakfast.  Oddly enough, it's not totally Snyder's fault.  DC got the film they wanted, just like Marvel did with their recent Fantastic Four reboot.  Whether they’ll blame someone else for that, remains to be seen. 

This film is based almost entirely on things DC’ve published; it's a slavish, bleak, hagiographical dramatisation of the company’s more recent holy texts.  I tried to like it, I really did.  There’s definitely an interesting film in there, unfortunately, it’s The Dark Knight.1  Irons and Affleck are fine, and so are Eisenberg and Cavill, ignore what you've heard, they do their best to glitter-roll their roles.  The script's an awful Fijian Mermaid and - as usual - the bits that're lifted from comic panels work the best. 

Man of Steel was an attempt to make a Superman film that’d fit in the same universe as Christopher Nolan’s (rather successful) Batman ones.  It’s a loose, loose adaptation of John Byrne’s Man of Steel mini-series, itself a reboot of the character after Alan Moore had wrapped him up in Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?, which remains the final word in Superman stories.  So, let’s talk about Zod.  I don’t buy the argument that Superman had no choice but to break Zod’s neck for one moment, and that’s because I’m aware that screenplays are what accountants sign off on.  Writers allow characters to make decisions, but typists don’t. 

The references in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Team America (that’s what it’s called) to 1938 and how the world’s become more complicated don’t wash either.  Superman represents light and Batman darkness.  It’s not a particularly profound observation, although the latest film obviously thinks it’s hit on something nobody’s ever noticed.2

I’ve written at length about this before, so I’ll just reiterate that Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns is the final Batman story.  It’s not a template.  Having said that, The Dark Knight Returns still stands up today, unlike the Doomsday storyline which crops up in the closing months of Batman v Superman.  DC’s Doomsday storyline, which reached its temporary conclusion in Superman 75, hasn’t aged well.  It’s a fight scene that goes on and on and on and on, culminating in an issue made up entirely of full-page panels.  The film certainly feels faithful to that experience.

Coming back to death and superheroes, yes, it’s fair to say that the characters’ve killed before in both comics and film.  The Doomsday storyline features plenty of civilian casualties – there’s even a visual quote from Watchmen that’s more accurate than Snyder’s yet managed – but there remains a sense of play to it, these are stake-raising storybeats.  A deconstructed comedy death is a hideous thing, but it somewhat misses the point of why jeopardy can make escapism more thrilling.  The real problem is that, despite featuring him, neither Man of Steel or Batman v Superman are really Superman films, being made with everything set to 'Batman'.  Which is a shame, as the children of America could do with a decent hero.

Snyder's all about image, but comics have words too.  Christopher Nolan'd already made The Dark Knight, a film that featured superheroes, rather than a superhero film. Snyder still doesn't understand the difference, having proved this was a personal blindspot with Watchmen.  Also, Neil Gaiman's already written American Gods, but I’m not sure that’s a text that’s being referred to here, largely because it contains an element of cultural criticism and sustained thematic arguments.

I've not been very impressed with America for a while now, and this is a film made only for Americans.  I can't see Suicide Squad being any more interesting or pleasant.  DC should let Snyder make his live-action Justice Team America.  Or All Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder.  

Which, in many ways, he just has.3

Him: If it was called 'Manman v Superbat' I'd watch it.

1.  Which was a method of writing that used to work fine for Alan Moore’s Scottish Tribute Act, right enough.  I’m guessing Snyder’s read Supergods as well as The Fountainhead.

2.  The Excalibur/Arthurian guff is hilarious.  It’s closer to a less-insightful version of Mad’s adaption of Boorman’s film or – Kal save us – the execrable Camelot 3000.  By the time Justice Team America’s out we’ll probably be able to solve the energy crisis simply by hooking Thomas Malory up to a generator.  Still, thanks to Zimmer and Junkie XL for the musical quote.  Knowing that one of them worked on Doctor in Distress and one of them with Rammstein, it’s fair to say that while the score might not be taking the piss as such, it’s certainly having a lot of fun.

3.  And I didn’t mention M*****man once.

Kroll bless Don Martin.

Face the Raven (time shift)

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
- Johnny Carson

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

Everybody has got to die, but I've always believed an exception would be made in my case.
- William Saroyan

Him:  Your notes are very sparse.

Me:  I'm interested in your take on it.  I found it really... 

A Long Day's Journey Into Space Badger.

Me:  I thought it was really good.

Him:  Yes.  It had...  It had a good effect.

Me:  Mmm?

Him:  And, once again, the speech...  It tends to be the speeches that make these episodes.

Me:  Yeah.  A lot of what we've been predicting's there.  It's the start of the three-parter that'll conclude the series; Ashildr kills Clara because she had to.  I don't think we'll see Missy next week - I think she'll be back the week after that - 'cause it's obviously been set up by Missy.  The whole thing.  Y'know?  To get the-

Him:  Obviously.

Me:  Obviously.  The weird thing is that the TARDIS landed in 'London' in the same location that Danny Pink was killed, which I thought was an interesting nod.  Some of Steven Moffat's voice was in that.  There was a little bit of rewriting, I think.  But I thought that Sarah Dollard's script was really good. 

Him:  It was a lot better than you thought it would be?

Me:  There's a lot - again, as we had last week as well - there were an awful lot of Neil Gaiman references, amongst other things.  You've also got the Harry Potter thing - the city that's next to us that we don't see-

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  But there's two, specifically...  Two...

Him:  I thought actually it was just a sad little alleyway, and that was it.

Me:  That was all that was there.  There's a Neil Gaiman story - a Sandman story - that's about a bloke that wanders down a street that he's never seen before and gets lost in the dreams of the city.  So that's one.1  Also, there's Neverwhere:2 London Above and London Below; the London that we don't get to see.  You haven't watched that one.  There were similarities with that in it.  Also, there were echoes of Clive Barker's Nightbreed and Night of the Demon - once you get a curse you can't pass it on.3  That was alright.  Because they couldn't go full-Adric anymore - although Clara's death is basically the same as Adric's-

Him:  Yeah.  I was actually thinking that.  I was wondering if this was the same sort of effect that Adric's death would've had on the audiences back then?4

Me:  Well, the thing is that back then we didn't know it was going to happen and we got a silent credit sequence at the end.  It was a shock, because the Doctor couldn't save him and he just... died.  Adric 'faced the raven' by himself, as it were.  Or 'faced the Earth' as it came up to meet him.

Him:  "I wonder if it'll be friends with me."

Me:  Ha!  He didn't get an eight minute speech, and then a slow-motion walk out to-

Him:  The slow-motion was...

Me:  It was really funny.

Him:  Yeah.  It was not necessary.  But the speech was good.

Me:  The speech was really good.

Him:  And the fact that - that she wasn't crying, but that her eyes were really shiny...  Worked as well.

Me:  I thought Jenna Coleman's performance was brilliant.

Him:  Yes.

Me:  And Peter Capaldi was fantastic in that one.

Him:  He always is.

Me:  I'm really looking forward to next week, and then I'm looking forward to the conclusion-

Him:  What if the conclusion's terrible?

Me:  I don't think it will be.  It's going to be the Time War, isn't it?  It's going to turn out to've been Missy and the Daleks.  Or Missy at least.  And the Time War conclusion'll bring it back to...  This time as well, I thought...  I thought it was a bit rushed, killing her off.  Having her hanging out of the TARDIS, doing all the...  She's become more of a thrill-seeker this episode-

Him:  Of all the characters to bring back, why Rigsy?  I guess they had to bring someone back.

Me:  He was very good as well, actually. 

Him:  Yeah.  Maybe that's why they brought him back.

Me:  I thought that the chap with the Harry Potter glasses wasn't terrific, but...  Maisie Williams was good in this.  There's a bit in Sandman as well, where a character called Thessaly saves another character - I think it's Lyta Hall - and it's a similar kind of thing.  The warning that...  "I might've saved you, but you better run."

Yeah, it was competent.  It was nicely done.  The music was...  Some of the music was really good, but we're a long way on from Doomsday. 

Him:  Whatcha mean?

Me:  Well, Doomsday had an original and... quite gutsy way of using the music to accompany the scene.  That-

Him:  I thought you hated Doomsday.

Me:  No.  Doomsday was great.  The music was brilliant.  Y'know, when Rose gets stuck beyond the wall and everything, and you've got the single bass guitar going, and then it builds up and runs over minutes...  That was...  This time it's more orchestra again.

Him:  It wasn't bad in Face the Raven though.  It wasn't as bad as...  It wasn't DUM DE DUM DUMM MURRAY MURRAY DUM DE DUM DUM DUMMM!

Me:  Ha!

Him:  It wasn't that.

Me:  No, it wasn't.  And, I think the term 'retcons'...  I reckon that might've been suggested by Steven Moffat.  Other than that...  yeah, I thought it was really good.  But then, it's been building to this. 

Him:  With such classics as...  The Zygon Invasion.

Me:  Yeeeeah.  Oh, grief, yeah.  And Sleep No More.

Him:  Before the Flood.

Me:  Before the Flood was alright.  And Under the Lake was brilliant.

Him:  Sleep No More was best of the series.  Ten out of ten.

Me:  Oh, you!  Anyway...  Go on.  Make some more dust noises then. 

Him:  No, I've got to make a raven noise.

Me:  Make a raven noise.

The Him makes a raven noise.

Me:  And on that bombshell.

Him:  You've got to make one too.

The Me makes a noise.

1.  Yeah, yeah, Danny the Street too.  But we don't talk about Alan Moore's Scottish Tribute Act here.

2.  And that's the one that conspiracy theorists should latch onto.  Especially after Nightmare in Silver.

3.  Okay, that's not quite right, but you know what I mean.  Rigsy's tattoo serves the same purpose as Karswell's 'Three months were allowed'.

4.  I want to answer this in proper detail, but first I'll have to explain why this 'review' was delayed.  Ready?

HICKS IN THE CITY: THE NEXT GENERATION

Yes, yes it is.

Since Saturday, lots of people have been expressing lots of opinions about Face the Raven.  Some of them are rational, some of them aren't; some of them are reasonable, some of them aren't; some of them are objective, most of them aren't.  Here's mine.

The Him and myself don't venture out of the Arctic very often.  In fairness, we don't venture out of the Hut that much either.  We spent the first part of day of the Raven in a helicopter flying the cold and clear Type-40 blue skies hanging over Britain.  Snow lay across the anorak-shouldered hills like dandruff.  I forgot to take any pictures, so you'll have to take my word for it.  We landed in Euston but our guide Bev was trapped elsewhere - in what Jaques 'Jaques' Liverot memorably described as a 'conspiracy' - so we had to amuse ourselves, like bumpkins down the ages, by pretending not to be tourists. 

It's a tradition, or an old charter, or something.

I showed the Him where Comics Unmasked used to live, before we walked by the massive abandoned dolls house guarding King's Cross.  We soon found the queue to the Hogwarts Express.  I embarrassed taught the now-shivering Him the poached savant variation rules of Mornington Crescent using only a wall-sized tube map and over-enthusiastic hand gestures.  Bev arrived soon after and treated us to some traditional London cuisine (mostly so we could all warm up whilst sneakily recharging our phones using the sockets under the seats).  After that, the Him encountered the Underground in colour for the first time on the way to Trafalgar Square to meet our second guide of the day, Kev.  

Somewhere, there's a daguerreotype, probably hidden in a linty drawer, that shows the person I used to be perched between the paws of one of the lions that was stunt-cast for In the Forest of the Night.  Seemed only polite to try to recreate the image while we had the chance.  Well, it was that or lunchtime arsing about, dodgy salutes, hide-and-seek or Osgood's cover story.5

Photo: Bev

Our two guides led us through the chilled crowds, into the labyrinthine sensory overload of Covent Garden.  Someone else I used to be, performed here a century ago.  I didn't see him, so he's probably died in the meantime. 

After stopping for an exquisite vegetarian curry, we were guided through more bewildering and overcrowded Blade Runner sets until we arrived at our early Christmas present. 

Everything's connected.5

The audience had to sign NDAs, so I'm forbidden from telling you any more details.  Can't even confirm or deny whether Mr Brown wears a massive clock mask (as the photo above unfortunately seems to suggest).  I'm largely convinced he's the Devil.  It's the only explanation that fits all the facts.  Hell of a show.

Kev treated the four of us to an afterhours ice-cream in Leicester Square and then we headed back to his secret lair where we spent the rest of the night playing with cats.

Following an astonishing cooked Sunday breakfast courtesy of the wonderful Penny, we all watched an (extremely) time-shifted Face the Raven.  This was the first time since Deep Breath that me and Him've watched Doctor Who in company, and it was an agreeable experience.  As soon as it finished, the two of us dashed off to record our thoughts.  If a 'warts and all' reaction is good enough for Tom Baker, then it's good enough for me.  We all played with the cats some more and then said goodbye to Penny and the secret lair before Kev drove us back to the Euston helipad. 

Which brings me back to the Him's initial question: "I was wondering if this was the same sort of effect that Adric's death would've had on the audiences back then?" 

Clara's death scene's hilarious.  It`s so cheesy that it teeters on parody.  Adric's death was sudden and shocking. 

I've mentioned that I bore a striking resemblance to Matthew Waterhouse back around when the Doctor was still wearing Tom Baker.  The years've been kinder to Mr Waterhouse than they have to me.  I've written about how heartbreaking I found the death of a character that I identified with on a personal - and largely narcissistic - level several times before.6  And it was.  It was totally unexpected.

A lifetime later, I learned that I was wrong.  The correct opinion is that Adric was, after Zombo, the least-loved boy genius companion.  Of course, you can't help what you look like any more than what you like.  Having endured years of derision for loving comics and the wrong bands, dressing like a weirdo and hating sport (despite being naturally better at it than a lot of my detractors were), apologising for being me was a piece of piss.  There's a lot of it about.  Always has been.

Clara's slow-motion yomp to face her death?  Well, Dean Learner'd be proud.7  And then, Murray 'Itsa Me' Gold hits the 'Weep Now!' orchestral strings setting and takes it to a whole new level of scenery-gorging.

There's a lot made of John Nathan-Turner's decision to keep the return of the Cybermen (and Adric's noble end) from the Radio Times.  Currently, the BBC release spoilerific updates so freely that anyone with Doctor Who as a special interest would've known Clara's death was inevitable.8  It wasn't even a matter of when, but how.

Since Father's Day 2005, Doctor Who's been dealing with death in a way unavoidably influenced by the Petri dish of popular culture that it grows in.  The outside world's now a completely different shape to the one that spun through a lonely void a generation ago.  Communication's made it much smaller for a start.  And...

And, I don't think everyone's going to like what I'm about to type.

The only way that a companion's death in current Doctor Who is going to have the same effect on the original viewers of Adric's demise that his death did, is if it follows the Spooks storyline that The Zygon Invasion so wanted to be, to its logical conclusion.  "You want your grown-up Doctor Who?  Here's your grown-up Doctor Who!"

I blame the Wilderness Years (and people who misread - and continue to misread - Alan Moore) for this.

Doctor Who is a relay baton.  This gets forgotten.  It has to be handed on.  Yes, it belonged to you for a brief period of your life.  But that was your section of the race.  And now it's over.9

On the return helicopter journey, I checked some of the messages I'd been ignoring until after I'd watched Face the Raven.  One of them was from a chap who'd performed in Covent Garden the same lifetime ago.  His personal version of the Him's younger than mine, and therefore still part of Doctor Who's target audience.  I'm envious of the way this chap gets to watch Doctor Who through the eyes of someone it's supposed to be aimed at: someone who doesn't read forums or gossip sites or the Radio Times or Twitter or Facebook or magazines.  But that's entropy for you.

And, through those eyes: Clara's eight minute speech was essential.  Brave, important, truthful and - in a way that's kinder to Terry Nation's tropes than last week - justifies a truly noble self-sacrifice.  Clara's a hero to thousands and thousands of children.  Complaining about it won't change that.  She's a hero to them in the tradition of Greek Tragedy.  Yes, she is.

Clara's slow-motion walk to face the Raven is an astounding piece of bravery.  For thousands and thousands of children.  It's an astonishing lesson in taking responsibility for your actions; in doing the right thing, whatever.

The me that stood next to the lion in Trafalgar Square laughed at the artifice of Face the Raven.  I hope that the me that sat between its paws would be immature enough to appreciate the honesty.

This is still very funny, mind.

5.  None of this means anything/Synchronicity's a wonderful thing.  (Delete to confirm bias.)

6.  Here's one.  Here's another.  The second one's royalties go to Children in Need, but I know both of you already have a copy, so this is just blatant self-promotion.  Bah.

7.  This observation lovingly lifted from Bev.

8.  We've been predicting it since last year.  Not to be smug, but it was obvious.  Name one companion Steven Moffat hasn't killed under his watch.  I've made some comments in the past that suggest Mr Moffat reads the blog - and I'll do it again every time something I've suggested turns up in the show - but I don't really think he does.  It's a mixture of Apophenia (I can't keep covering for you - everyone knows you've met), confirmation bias and detachment.  Y'see, I know Doctor Who isn't - and should never be - made for me.  Or the fans.  Not any more anyway.9

9.  Big Finish make Doctor Who for Doctor Who fans, and do an excellent job of it.  So I'm told.   

Sleep No More (time shift)

With such an honest and inflexible openness to evidence, they could not fail to receive any real truth which might be manifesting itself around them.
- H.P. Lovecraft

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
- T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land

Me:  Where shall we start?

Him:  How late on was that one?  Like, at night?

Me:  It was the same time.  2010 until 2100.

Him:  Do you think that the name was, y'know...?

Me:  I think that what we saw there was Mark Gatiss attempting to write a Steven Moffatesque script.  And, what he actually produced has the same problems - almost exactly - as Nightmare in Silver.  A lot of that would've looked great on paper, but just didn't work.  With the exception of Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman, the performances weren't up to the script.  That might be a directing issue.  So...

A Space-Badger drifts by...

Me:  The found footage conceit...

Him:  Oh, it wasn't.  Let's just...  No.  It couldn't decide whether it wanted to be found footage or not, and I feel like it ended halfway through.

Me:  Well, that's 'cause it's set up things to come, hasn't it?  It's the first part in the-

Him:  In the 'Dust Saga'?

Me:  The 'Dust Saga'.  Yeah.  Okay.  I thought...  Reece Shearsmith brought his other performance to it, of the two that he usually delivers - with the exception of the third one he managed to get out in A Field in England.

Him:  I get it.  You don't like him, you don't like Mark Gatiss. 

Me:  It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I think that their best work is an awful long time behind them and that there's nothing actually very new taking place with what they do.  As far as pastiches go, which is what we usually see from Mark Gatiss, that episode referenced: Flesh and Stone, The Invisible Enemy, Predator, Alien, Judge Dredd, Sandman - and I can tell you which issue if you like1 - Oliver, Journey to the Center of the TARDIS, Spider Man 3, Event Horizon, Aliens, Peep Show, Prometheus, Macbeth, Sunshine, 42, Monty Python, Doom, Quake, Pertwee-era Doctor Who, Ring, The Space Pirates, a little bit of Inception and involved Mark Gatiss taking the mick out of Terry Nation while at the same time proving he's no Steven Moffat, because the author's voice throughout that was a bit too loud and far too smug.  It's not a found footage film either.

Him:  Spider Man 3?

Me:  Yeah, it's got Marvel's Sandman in it.  And similar effects when he all falls apart.

Him:  Right.  Was that really a reference?

Me:  Yeah.  Probably.  The way Rassmussen fell apart at the end was very reminiscent of the way that the Sandman falls apart in Spider Man 3.  It's also - oddly enough - not the first found footage Doctor Who.  It's just the first one that's canon.  Do you remember back to the flurry of VAM before Day of the Doctor?

Him:  Yeah, I do remember that. 

Me:  We had one then.  The Last Day.

Him:  The intro was reminiscent of that.  Very.

Me:  Yeah.  It's a cut scene.  Sleep No More comes across more like Peep Show than an actual found footage film.

Him:  But it's not found footage.  It kept cutting to bits that shouldn't have been recorded and perspectives that couldn't have been recorded.  And it was all edited together, which is...  What?

Me:  The only way they're going to get away with that is if it turns out we're still inside someone's dream. 

Him:  We are, aren't we?  We're still inside Clara's dream.2  But that's what I mean.  It ended half-way through.  It was never resolved.

Me:  I think that's going to turn into Clara's doom.3  She's going to turn into a great big pile of walking snot.  Which is Swamp Thing, so he can have that one too.  I thought that Peter Capaldi was really good.  We've got to come up with something positive we can say about it.  Was it scary?

Him:  I feel like it would've been better had we not seen them, 'cause they were essentially just giant humanoid things that were just mouths all the way down, and I've seen that kind of thing...

Me:  Yeah, it was in Nemesis the Warlock back in...  around about 1980?4

Him:  Yeah, there's an enemy in Digital Devil Saga 2 that looks like them as well, but it's orange and has teeth in the mouth. 

Me:  This all felt like...  There was nothing new there.  Nothing we haven't seen before.5  It wasn't brave.  It wasn't adventurous.  It wasn't challenging.  It was...  It was...

Him:  It was weird.

Me:  Yeah.  Again, I thought Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman performed really well, and I think that the supporting cast did the best they could, but...  It just goes to show why we don't get found footage stuff on TV. 

Him:  It wasn't found footage, this is the thing.  I think it would've been really good as found footage, 'cause you wouldn't have seen the dust-snot monsters. 

Me:  It's a straight lift - well, near enough - it's a straight lift from Sunshine.  Oh, I don't know.5

Him:  I never did finish watching Sunshine.

Me:  No.  So, on that bombshell...

Him:  Oh, I dunno, do you want to talk about next week's-

Me:  Face the Raven?

Him:  Is that what it's called?

Me:  Well, it's all about facing ravens, innit?

Him:  I've been trying to think of a pun involving Edgar Allan Poe and dust, but I just can't do it.

Me:  Well, you've got, "I will show you fear in a handful of dust,"6 which was used as advertising for Neil Gaiman's Sandman series, but that's not from Poe.  Which is a shame.

Him:  I've just been trying to think of... a Poen, if you will.

Me:  Ha!

Him:  But I can't.

Me:  Alright then.  D'you want to make a noise like a raven?  Or just some dust?

The Him makes the noise of just some dust.

Me:  And on that bombshell.

TL; DR:
Nightmare in Silver 2: Electric Bogies - BOO!

 
1.  Sandman #3, March 1989.  But, seriously...

Sleep No More is an odd thing.  It's much less than the sum of its parts for a start, many of which're outlined above.  The story's sloppy, the acting quality haphazard and the directing not quite as tight as something like this needs to be.  It's also not found footage, did we mention that?

Whether you think found footage began in The Blair Witch Project rather than The Last Broadcast or Cannibal Holocaust - both of whom have much better claims - it's fair to say that Sleep No More fails the most basic format test by neglecting to kill off all its characters.  Nope, the 'found footage' label is just the high-concept tag, or gimmick, slapped on this episode to make it quicker to explain.  It's a shorthand for something that would've worked much better in almost any other medium.  It's a shame it wasn't pitched to a publisher or even Big Finish instead. 

Sleep No More's also far too pleased with itself to be let off lightly.  The final speech delivered by Rassmussen/Gatiss breaks through the already shattered fourth wall with its self-congratulatory - Kroll save us - attempts at metatextualised post-modernism.  And completely falls on its arse whilst doing so.  If the preceding forty-two (or so) minutes had earned such self-indulgence then fair enough, but they blatantly hadn't.  It also has the unfortunate effect of turning the opening speech about not watching this because you won't be able to unsee it, from story set-up to actual viewer advice.

Still, we should be thankful for small mercies.  Murray Gold barely made his unnecessary presence felt. 

And at least it wasn't the two-parter the Baker Street Boys'd originally planned.

Well, not yet anyway.

2.  Okay, we're not.  But I don't think this time the audience can be blamed for not getting what was going on. 

And if it's anyone's dream, then it's Barbara's.

3.  I don't really.

4.  Actually it was August 1981, in 2000AD Prog 223.  Can't blame a guy for trying.

5.  I'm nearly convinced that the bits that looked like Reece Shearsmith was reading his lines from a board hidden just off-camera were an homage to The Three Doctors.  Perhaps to make up for the one that was, thankfully, left in the cutting room bin following the final edit of An Adventure in Space and Time.

6. 

Dark Water (time shift)

If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t cheat death, what chance have I got?  Practically none.

- Mel Brooks

Or (if you want to be all obvious about it)

I think a man’s duty is to find out where the truth is, or if he cannot, at least to take the best possible human doctrine and the hardest to disprove, and to ride on this like a raft over the waters of life. 

- Plato

Me:  Okay.  Ummm…  Right.  Shall we just run through the references or can I do a quick smug thing about being right?1 

Him:  Do a quick smug thing about being right. 

Me:  Okay. 

Him:  I know you’re going to do it anyway. 

Me:  I am going to do it anyway, yeah. 

Him:  You’ve already done it twenty times. 

Me:  I know, I know, I know.  We’ve still got to see what happens next week, but I do feel quite chuffed that – to a certain degree – I nailed a lot of that.  Okay.  First off, Missy.  That came as a shock to – oo – nobody, I would’ve said.  That was obviously what was going to happen.2  She’s so good. 

Him:  Didn’t you think that she was going to be Meglos at one point? 

Me:  Ha! 

Him:  Among the thousands and thousands of theories that no-one else’d come up with? 

Me:  No, no, no.  It was just one of these things.  All of the way through the series though, it’s been the case that…  Look.  You can back up anything.  So, I go with all my ideas about the Meddling Monk and The Chase and...  Stuff still could happen.  The whole iPads thing is certainly relevant, for example.  And there’re things that’re still confused.  Michelle Gomez is amazing.  I hope they don’t force her to regenerate next week, because I’d like her to stay on.  It was great.  Really, really good.  Right, let’s move on.  Electronic Voice Phenomena.  Do you know anything about that? 

(We’ll have a brief moment of silence here as a special nod to the many, many sea badger fans who’ve not been writing in to ask whether it’d be making another appearance.  It will.  And that wasn’t it.) 

Me:  EVP.  It's where, “Don’t cremate me,” came from.3  What did you think of that episode?  Neither of us said anything while we were watching it.  Not really.

Him:  I guessed several plot points.  As jokes. 

Me:  Ha!  Yeah.  “Danny’ll get run over.  Oh, Danny’s been run over.” 

Him:  Ha! 

Me:  That wasn’t a huge shock.  Peripeteia’s quite harsh though.  D’you think Steven Moffat’ll actually kill him?  Do you think Danny’s dead? 

Him:  He is dead. 

Me:  Really?  Clara’s going.  She’s definitely going. 

Him:  Steven Moffat’s said he’s going to do his whole ‘brutal’ thing. 

Me:  Yeah.  Well, that’s it then. 

Him:  He’s gonna go all Russell T. Davies on this. 

Me:  It was very Russell T. Davies.  Dark Water.  Torch Wood.  It’s Doomsday all over again.  The bit about, “Cybermen from cyberspace.  Why’s no-one ever thought of that before?”  I dunno.  To me, that felt like the author’s voice was intruding.  Speaking through the character there.  You know I was saying that I’ve got this idea that, because of the stuff that I was writing for that other website last year, that all the ideas for this series are 'mine'?4 

Him:  Yeah. 

Me:  Right.  Well, the last piece that I wrote was the one that had the reference to Deep Breath and the hand that grabs your ankle – that was a piece called The Time Cave.  Ummm…  And that’s all that I’m going to say.  When we were watching Dark Water, I was thinking, “Ooo.  There we go.”  It doesn’t mean anything though.  You can take anything that you want and you can prove it, but that doesn’t make it real.  The whole Greek Tragedy ‘theory’ – I don’t actually believe that’s what’s been going on.  I do think that you can see it within the series, but just as a logical conclusion from the progression of the story.  And Steven Moffat’s stories are variations on the same processes.  It’s all prestidigitation. 

Him:  Halfway through this one you shouted, “I’ve written this series of Doctor Who!” 

Me:  Ha!  Yeah, I did.  But I was joking.  And what didn’t I shout? 

Him:  “YEEEEEEES!” 

Me:  Alright then.  At the start.  The bit when Clara’s phoning Murray Gold? 

Him:  Ha! 

Me:  Remember that?  What did she say? 

Him:  I don’t know. 

Me:  “Shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up!” 

Him:  Right. 

Me:  Fair play, Murray Gold did a good job in that episode.  There were a couple of bits where I noticed the music- 

Him:  Oh, you’ve always quite liked him in the finales. 

Me:  Rachel Talalay, the director, has done a fantastic job with it.  The performances were great.  Very quickly, just to return to Greek Tragedy for a moment.  I’d better say this here.  One of the very few instances – as I’ve mentioned in Doctor Who and the Song of Goats- 

Him:  Ha! 

Me:  - when the Greek Chorus-  Shh.  Don’t laugh. - the Greek Chorus has appeared in Doctor Who before - apart from scripts written by Donald Cotton - in Vengeance on Varos.  Now, Etta, half of the Chorus in Vengeance on Varos, is Clara’s Nan.5 

Him:  That’s nice. 

Me:  Yeah.  Read nothing into that.  What did you think about the section in Mount Doom? 

Him:  I pointed that out. 

Me:  Would you like to expand? 

Him:  No. 

Me:  Good. 

Him:  That’s basically the end of that.  That’s all that needs to be said about that point. 

Me:  "A clock’s a time machine." 

Him:  That’s from Danger Mouse. 

Me:  That’s from Danger Mouse, yeah.  Do you think it explains the opening titles?4 

Him:  Sure. 

Me:  I think Dark Water proved precisely why we’ve currently got the Doctor wearing Peter Capaldi.  Outstanding.  And Jenna Coleman?  Oh good grief.  I can’t see her being around at Christmas. 

Him:  Really? 

Me:  Yeah.  I don’t think she’s going to be around after next week.  Unless Danny is.  It’s going to be Divine Intervention.  The only thing that’s going to save this now – again, going back to Aristotelian recipes for Greek Tragedy – is if the Doctor can ‘save’ Danny Pink.  But…  I don’t think he can.6  It’s gone beyond that point.  Clara could go and join him though.  Like you said about the Cybermen being a cover version of the Silence when they’re sat in the x-ray water – Steven Moffat does repeat- 

Him:  Do you think that came as a surprise to no-one as well? 

Me:  Well, everyone knew it was going to be the Cybermen.7 

Him:  Yeah, I know.  But do you think that was…  “Oh yeah, they’ve got the exo-skeleton.”  Do you think that came as a surprise to no-one as well? 

Me:  I thought that was really good.8 

Him:  We both realised that at the same time. 

Me:  Yeah, yeah.  I notice that Steven Moffat has quite pointedly – and, as I’ve said before, the author’s voice has come through here – he’s made the Cybermen scary again.  And, that’ll make sense to anyone who’s been following the graffiti. 

Him:  What is it with him and giving things comfy chairs? 

Me:  Ha! 

Him:  When they have no need of comfy chairs? 

Me:  They managed to get the “Doctor Who?” thing in again.  “Doctor who?”  “Doctor CHANG!”  I thought that worked well, because it didn’t feel forced.  With Series Pond/Clara, having everyone saying it all the time it reached the point where – running gag or no - it wasn’t working.  That whole series wasn’t firing.  I’ll still argue that’s because The Day of the Doctor was more important than anything else.  And that’s partly what The Time Cave’s about as well. 

Him:  Steven Moffat didn’t write it until, like, three weeks before it was shown in the cinemas. 

Me:  Ha!  Yeah.  “Mister Moffat, we started filming this morning and we were wondering if you had a script for us?”  Lovely nod there to The Thick of It.  On the psychic paper. 

Him:  “Another government visit?  Why so soon?  What’s with all the swearing?” 

Me:  I thought that was nice.  There was one bit that had you in fits.  When they were talking about the iPads? 

Him:  Actually, it was you that was in fits at that point. 

Me:  We both went.  What was it? 

Him:  “iPads?  We have Steve Jobs.”

Me:  Ha!  And it’s interesting that the Nethersphere - or the Underworld.  Yes!  Called that one! – is part of Inception.  Those Cybermen.  They’re butch.

Him:  They were sort of like…  Whichever Batman film that was that had all of the- 

Me:  I know the one.  Go on. 

Him:  - all of the ridiculous Batman details. 

Me:  The shots of the Batnipples and the Batbottom.  Batman and Robin, you mean?  Yes, yes, yes.  Kudos to J.R. Southall for calling the whole Master being female idea before the series started.  And the Matrix. 

(Pause.) 

As you can see in The Curse of Fatal Death – where, despite the fact that Steven Moffat was very keen not to be seen as being a part of fandom, much more a professional writer who happened to be a fan, rather than the other way around.  I don’t mean he would remind people he was a professional writer as often as possible - his credits spoke for themselves, so he didn't need to point them out to people – but he did keep himself at a careful distance from fandom.  Because he was a professional.  Which makes sense.  He had a career in television and Doctor Who left more of a taint than it does today.  But – when he came to write The Curse of Fatal Death, he kept slipping in all these references to The Deadly Assassin, amongst others.  Little, subtle points that only a fan would notice.  And, in Dark Water- 

Him:  Was it the same number of breaths done by an extra? 

Me:  No, no, no.  When the 3W introductory message is scrolling up and Missy’s reading – that’s the start of The Deadly Assassin.  It’s the only Doctor Who story that starts with scrolling text – predates Star Wars too.  Could be a reference to Python, but I don’t think so.  Not that one.   Tomb of the Cybermen!  And, well done, Cardiff Museum – really working hard for your appearance fee this year.  Right.  How many Python references?  I’ve got three. 

Him:  Well, I pointed out one of those. 

Me:  Go on. 

Him:  You’ve missed out the ‘e’. 

Me:  What? 

Him:  On the notes.  You’ve missed out the ‘e’. 

Me:  Never mind.  Which one’s that? 

Him:  That just says, “Bring out yrrrrr." 

Me:  “Bring out your dead!” 

Him:  “Bring out your dead!” 

Us:  “Bring out your dead!" 

Me:  So we’ve got that one.  And we also had, “Run away! Run away!”

Him:  What’s that a reference to? 

Me:  Holy Grail.  Also.  And not only dark water, we’ve got dark themes and some dark ideas-

Him:  “Well, I’m no Dark Water Barry.” 

Me:  Ha! 

(Pause.) 

What? 

Him:  I’m surprised you didn’t say that. 

Me:  Why would I say that? 

Him:  That’s what you said at the start of Black Water. 

Me:  That was "Black Water Barry." 

Him:  It’s the same! 

Me:  “I’m no Dark Water Barry.”  The thing is that no-one’ll know that I just did that in a perfect Welsh accent. 

Him:  Sounded Australian to me. 

Me:  I liked the reference to one of Steve Coogan’s favourite Monty Python sketches.  “We’ve got an eater.” 

Him:  Oh yes, that’s right.  “We’ve got a burner!” 

Me:  There’s not much else we can say.  That’s just the preamble to the main feature.  I hope it’s got less endings than Return of the King. 

Him:  “Subplot B, subsection A.” 

Me:  Ha!  Exactly.  I thought Dark Water was excellent.  This has been an absolute delight of a series for me.  I’ve loved it.  And we still need to find out what the Post-It notes in Clara’s room are for.  Two different Christopher Nolan references?9 

Him:  We know exactly what they mean. 

Me:  What do they mean? 

Him:  She’s written them up so she knows what to say. 

Me:  To? 

Him:  Danny. 

Me:  Why’s Vastra up there? 

Him:  I don’t know. 

Me:  Why does it say ‘lying’?  It’s not just so I can say, 'hamartia'. 

Him:  She needs to tell him everything. 

Me:  Over the phone? 

Him:  You can’t do that in person, you’ve got to do it while they’re crossing busy roads. 

Me:  Ha!  Okay fair enough.  Clara covered a lot of Cardiff very quickly.  Luckily for the film crew, Danny got run down next to the back of St Paul’s.  I think stuff’s being set up.  I also think that next week’s will start in a different location, because that’s part of Moffat’s patter with a two-part trick.  Okay, do you want to make a noise like a butch Cyberman? 

Him:  Not really. 

Me:   Fair enough.  What sort of noise do you want to make?

Him:  You could do your ‘perfect’ Welsh accent again. 

Me:  “Smashing!” 

Him:  “I’m no Dark Water Barry.” 

Me:  “I’m no Dark Water Barry.” 

Him:  I’m surprised you didn’t even think of that once. 

Me:  I was distracted. 

Him:  ‘Dark Water Barry’ should be a TV show. 

Me:  It should. 

Him:  About a shark hunter. 

Me:  You’re about due another Big Finish pitch.  Hang on.  A shark hunter? 

Him:  Yeah.  “I’m Dark Water Barry.  Shark hunter extraordinaire.” 

Me:  “Unfortunately, I live by a river.  So there’s not much call for my skills." 

Him:  “I don’t have any money.  And have never encountered a shark in my life.”

Me:  “In fact, I’m really known as ‘Dark Water Barry, local accountant.’”

Him:  Ha! 

Me:  “Actually.  I would rather like to be…”

Him:  “A lion tamer!” 

Me:  And on that bombshell!10

1.  Hindsight’s a wonderful thing.  And, with confirmation bias, I can chuck out all the bits that don’t match. 

2.  blah blah it’s the Master blah1 

3.  This was bold and a bit risky.  Personally, I’m impressed.  Those three words will work slightly differently for the audience and the Chorus, as well as every single individual within both groups.  Steven Moffat doesn’t always cash the cheque, but this time it cleared fine.  Horrific and very Doctor Who. Whatever that is. 

4.  Don’t write in, it’s not for fun.1 

5.  Don’t worry, I know that Clara’s Nan’s pretend and that it’s just a mixture of Sheila Reid and synchronicity.4 

6.  ‘cause, causally speaking, Clara set Rupert on the path that’s killed him in the first place.  And that's without mentioning the reflection in the iPad, someone's got to pay for that.  So, going on Listen, Clara's pregnant.  It's been a Long Game, after all. 

7.  And everyone knew – deep down – it was the Master.  This, if you think about it, is a very clever way of giving the audience enough time to get used to the idea beforehand - not counting The Doctor’s Wife and the, non-canonical, Night of the Doctor there.  Like I keep saying, until this goes up, we don’t read the post-episode reviews or check out the forums.  Well, half of us never go on the forums, and the other half of us only stick our face in from time to time to exfoliate.  It’ll be a massive disappointment if fandom’s done anything other than embrace the Mistress.

8.  And, let’s be fair, the BBC aren’t going to let Earthshock happen again.

9.  You remember Memento, yeah? 

10.  Yeah, looks like I was wrong about Maebh's sister, Annabel being something other than a terribly clunky end to an episode.  Can't win 'em all.  It's a fair cop, guv, but society's to blame.