PR of the Daleks

If you despise that throwaway feeling
From disposable fun
Then this is the one
- Martin L. Gore

(You fall through the clouds, damp tentacles clutch at your tingling cheeks.  Abruptly the opaque surroundings clear and you see that you’re plummeting toward a rather solid looking toy village.  The sun’s low in the distance and shadows stretch like inky sneezes towards the broccoli-wood that hedges the edges.  You don’t feel scared though; not until the screech of a dinosaur rudely wakes you.)

Me:   That’s a T. rex, isn’t it?

Him:  Baby T. rex.

Me:  Baby T. rex.  Okay. The exciting news that broke this week about The Power of the Daleks?

Him:  Oh, yeah.  I definitely know about that.

Me:  Okay, what do you know about it?

Him:  I know that you sent me a link, and the link said, “This does not exist.”

Me:  Yeah!  That’s because, in classic BBC ‘License-fee payers enjoyed the chance to watch these episodes for free when they were first broadcast in the Sixties’ Worldwide fashion they, once again, leaked what the secret reveal was.  All by themselves.

Him:  You have really red elbows.

Me:  Have I?  I suppose so…  There’s a two-disc version of The Power of the Daleks coming out.  It’s all been computer-animated, and it’s based on designs by Adrian Salmon and Mar-

Him:  What’s wrong with The Power of the Daleks animation that’s already on YouTube?

Me:  It’s great, isn’t it!  I do like that one.

Him:  I’ve got a soft spot for it.

Me:  That’s the one we watched when we did our previous ‘review’…

Him:  We watched it for about five minutes.  You couldn’t handle it.

Me:  They hadn’t… quite captured Polly’s likeness…

Him:  Ha!  And that one scene with, “Oh yes, maybe this will work. Yes.  Yes, okay, I’ll take this bit and then…   Okay.”  And you’ve just got the little Patrick Troughton drawing standing there -

Me:  Just with the mouth moving.

Him:  - completely still.

Me:  There was that other computer-generated one where he slipped up the wall.  Do you remember that? 

Him:  No…

Me:  It was animated photographs and it was really creepy.  It was a bit like the Annoying Orange.  A little bit Uncanny Valley for my liking.  Soooooo.  There’s been some conjecture that if it’s going to be two discs, then that suggests…  Surely, you could fit six episodes on one disc if it’s just animation and no extras?  There’re rumours that it might contain missing footage, but I don’t think that it’s going to.  Why do you think this might be coming out?

Him:  Why do I think what might be coming out?

Me:  The Power of the Daleks.

Him:  I don’t understand why you think it is.  You sent me a link to-

Me:  Oh no, it is, it is.  The BBC’ve announced it and everything.  It’ll be available to download and you’ll be allowed to own the download after you’ve bought it; it’s coming out on DVD too.

Him:  You’re allowed to own the download?

Me:  The BBC’ve caught onto this new, modern idea.  This… y’know… valueless format.1

Him:  “404 – Daleks not found.”  Really, it’s not…  I don’t know why you think it’s coming out.  I could send you a link, right, having typed in, ‘www.bbc.com’-

Me:  ‘.co.uk’

(Potentially the final appearance of the sea-badger before Hallowe’en 2016…)

Him:  Nah, it’s BBC Worldwide, innit.

Me:  Ha!  If it’d been BBC Miami, I’d have understood.  The whole thing’s probably up there already.  I wonder if Marcel Carmego got his job back?  Anyway… 

Him:  ‘/The_Web_Planet_Episode_7_Through_9’ and saying they’d returned and that they’d been missing…  And we still don’t have the remaining episodes of The Web Planet, but seven through nine have at least returned…  I could’ve sent you that link and said, “Whoah!  Look at this!”  And you’d have clicked on the link and got, “Sorry, this web page doesn’t exist,” and you’d have been-

Me:  Web page!  Very good.  It did come back up at midnight.  I think, basically, what you’re looking at here is…  Because Top Gear’s curled up and died-

Him:  Well, no.  It just isn’t owned by the BBC.

Me:  Yeah, they own Top Gear.

Him:  No, they lost it.

Me:  No, they’ve got Top Gear, because now it’s a spin-off from Friends and-

Him:  Didn’t it run away to Amazon?

Me:  -just lost the ex-Mr Billie Piper…  The presenters ran away to Amazon.

Him:  Did they?

Me:  Yeah.  That and Doctor Who were the BBC’s biggest brands.2  So now Doctor Who has to carry the torch since Top Gear died on its arse-

Him:  What about whichever one of the soap operas the BBC does?

Me:  EastEnders?  Yeah, but you don’t get EastEnders  box-sets.  You watch it once and then – meh.  It’s not got rewatch value at all.

Him:  It does if you’ve not seen it before.

Me:  If you’ve never seen it before, that’s really good.  It’s like never having bought a National Lottery ticket.3  Just kidding.  Obviously, it’s one of the most important breeding soups for new writers in the country. 

Him:  I thought that was Casualty?

Me:  Same sort of thing.

Him:  Casualty’s very important for new writers and new actors.  Everyone in the world has been on Casualty.

Me:  It’s like Rep.  Or The Bill.  It’s a rite of passage you have to pass in order to get your Equity card.

Him:  It really is, though!  But why?

Me:  Well, it depends.  If you haven’t got a mate running the programme then that’s the route you’ve got to take…

Him:  Even obscure voice actors who’ve only been a voice actor in one thing…  They’ve been in Casualty.

Me:  Of course.  Have you not…  I’ve been in Casualty, when’re you going to be in Casualty?  Have they not got in touch with you yet?  Everyone’s in Casualty.  Everyone in the country.

Him:  Casualty’s like jury duty.

Me:  Ha!

Him:  They send you a letter through and you have to be on Casualty, otherwise you can go to prison.

Me:  Yeah.  It’s a bit like jury duty or leader of the Labour Party.4

Him:  Is Casualty any good?

(Okay, maybe I was a bit hasty with my earlier sea badger prediction…  I did type ‘potentially’.)

Me:  So, anyway…  Paterson Joseph was great.

Him:  Ah!  You’ve got a signed thing from him in Casualty.

Me:  I have.  He played Mark Grace.

Him:  But was he in Casualty for more than one episode? 

Me:  He was.  He was a regular.  I think the reason the BBC’re doing it is because they know they’ve got around twenty-thousand… people… who will shell out for something that costs about 50p to make.

Him:  It costs more than 50p to animate it.

Me:  I meant to manufacture the physical DVD!

Him:  Have you ever manufactured a DVD?

Me:  No.  CDs though…  Once you’re producing a certain amount it gets cheaper with each one.  It’s the initial mastering that costs…  There’s no restoration required.  If the BBC’ve come up with the money in order to do the animation then…  What this one is, really, is something that’s just being sold-

Him:  Last week, I specifically remember you telling me that they were never going to release any more DVDs.  I said, “No, no.  They can still make money off them.”  And you were like, “No!  They’ve said they won’t!  And they never will again!”  And then, not a week later, not even a week later, you’re like, “HRRRR!  THEY’RE RELEASING NEW DVDs!”

Me:  I reckon they’ve got the Hut bugged.

Him:  Then, why even record this?  The BBC’ll put it up.

Me:  That’s true.

Him:  Although, to be honest, no-one’ll hear what I’m saying…  Just your replies…

Me:  Ha!  Let’s be fair, the reason the BBC’re doing this one is because it’s a regeneration story and it’s got Daleks in it.  Also, it’s a classic and they can really push it.

Him:  It’s not really a regeneration story.  Are regeneration stories spread across both stories?  I mean, that makes the TV Movie a regeneration story squared.

Me:  It’s a regeneration story in the same sense that Castrovalva is…  And remember, William Hartnell does appear in it.

Him:  How much d’you think he got paid for that appearance?

Me:  Nothing.  Almost certainly.  Or, very little.  Going on the fact that Bret Vyon vanished off the floor, ensuring Nicholas Courtney wouldn’t get an appearance fee, which was a bit harsh.

Him:  He did come back, I think.  Was he not an extra in one of the later stories?

Me:  I think so, yeah.  He turned up in something, outside a castle…  

Him:  Was he in Casualty?

Me:  He must’ve been.  Colin Baker was.  He had glowing green eyes.

Him:  Was he in Casualty for a long time, or just the one episode?

Me:  He was one of the main characters-

Him:  Really?

Me:  Yeah.  He was the monster that lived in the hospital’s basement…  Or, am I confusing that with something by Lars Von Trier?  So, I think that if this is a success, we’ll probably get The Evil of the Daleks, which would explain the computer-generated Dalek Queen that was in that Doctor Who Adventures all that time ago…

Him:  I don’t think they’ll ever explain that.  Also, that must’ve been years ago.

Me:  It takes a long time to do this stuff.

Him:  It doesn’t take that long.

Me:  It takes a while.

Him:  It doesn’t take that long.

Me:  Alright.  Probably-

Him:  And, if they had a shot of it, then it means they’d probably already done it…

Me:  Could just be a design.  It depends on how this stuff sells.  If The Power of the Daleks sells really well, then it could open the rest of the stories for the DVD market.  If they can flog that one, then they can get away with milking the fans to buy the rest.  Having said that, the BBC’re going to have to start putting in some extra features.  It’s not like there’s any restoration that’s been paid for.  It’d put an end to the Omnirumour as well.

Him:  The ‘Omnirumour’?

Me:  Yeah, that’s the name for the rumour that all the missing episodes’ve been returned and they’re just sitting-

Him:  In the BBC Canteen?

Me:  Unable to escape.

Him:  You would get pretty sick of watching Feast of Steven on repeat.

Me:  Ha! 

Him:  It’s a bit upsetting because that one, it cannot return.

Me:  No.

Him:  Because the BBC were wiping it as they broadc-

(Tape runs out.)

1.  A chat we’ll have another time.

2.  Oddly enough, at the time of typing it’s just been announced that Auntie’s misplaced The Great British Bake Off as well, which really does put a lot of pressure on Doctor Who, a show that’s – basically – not even on this year.

Leaving aside the political scourging the BBC’s currently undergoing, some of it self-induced, it’s probably worth pointing out a few things that might be going on here.  First off, The Power of the Daleks isn’t the step backward some fans might think.  After Spearhead From Space and The Enemy Within, there’s no Classic series stories that’re genuinely suitable for BluRay treatment.  (BluRay’s not a terrific format either, it’s nowhere near the huge jump in quality between VHS and DVD for a start.  It arrived to the party slightly too late as well, with digital media already starting to infect the wider industry.  Even punishing DVD owners by only sticking extras on BluRay didn’t work.  After all, who wanted to buy a new player and TV to see what got chopped out of Prometheus?) 

The range of Doctor Who DVDs is very, very good indeed.  There are a few bad decisions – inverted Terreliptils, ‘improving’ rather than enhancing and a tendency to self-indulgent cronyism5 being the least-defensible – but the love that went into producing them really shines through.  The most impressive thing about the collection however, is also the T. rex everyone’s ignoring: the VAM.

With a few notable exceptions that we’ll get to, the Classic Doctor Who range contains a staggering amount of historical information about one of the most important1 TV shows ever made.  But there are gaps, and, despite what Auntie and other people may argue, those omissions are very, very hard to defend. 

There’s a definite air of The Tripods about TV Professionals Who Happen To Be Doctor Who Fans.  The Uncapped are cattle fit for milking and mocking and not much else.  Occasionally, one of these ‘Milkable Barkers’ will win a place at the side of the Chosen.  That these happy few seem to always hail from Arslikhan is just one of those things.  Like Derren Brown tossing ten heads in a row.  Or ‘needing’ a zombie to provide a jump-scare climax to a 28 Days Later homage that makes Pebble Mill’s Cyberman look like a herald of the Apocalypse.1 

Two Troughtons returned.  No extras.  Those days’re done.  Whatever the official reasons for vanilla releases with no accompanying documentaries, they’re bollocks.  Truly.  Not just a poor show, there’s no excuse.  There wasn’t at the time, and there isn’t now.  I’m sure that BBC ‘License-fee payers enjoyed the chance to watch these episodes for free when they were first broadcast in the Sixties’ Worldwide will disagree – these are the folk who gave us the Regeneration and Fourth Doctor boxsets after all – but it’s an attitude that’s smug and arrogant and, well, rather entitled.  The world’s changed – it might not even have very long left – so denigrating your customers while they still exist, should probably not be company policy.  (You might want to leave the knitting patterns alone too.)

In much the same way that record companies totally misunderstood how mp3 worked and criminalised it as a format (remember then, kids?), the BBC need to be very careful here.  It’s a no-brainer that The Evil of the Daleks and then Mission to the Unknown/The Daleks’ Master Plan are the next in line for production.  Both (yeah, yeah) stories have surviving episodes, which minimises the need for animated episodes, and both feature Daleks – which, let’s be fair – and Aaru never lie - are the main draw after the incumbent.  The Daleks’ll be back next year – AsBill’s intro presumably fulfilling the contractual obligations for 2016, we’ll see – so that’d be the time to relaunch them.  Give Mr Chibnall’s run a boost/fighting chance/Open-Airing (delete according to bias).

The BBC then have the opportunity to flog a box-set containing every Dalek story.  The DVD market-door’s closing, but folk out there might be tempted.  A download bundle’s one thing6, but A Complete Dalek Story Box-Set You Can Drive?  “Hey!  This cash prints itself!”7

Auntie’s not got long.  The twenty thousand (cit. needed) fanfolk she’s been exploiting won’t wait around forever.  There’re good quality reconstructions in the wild, complete with artwork that matches her own design better than she’s always managed.  DVDs are already a desktop-publishing market, and her market knows the production costs.8

If, y’know, being all speculative, the Dalek stories sell, then…  Well, within a limited timeframe…  There’s the potential for half-a-century’s double-dipping.  Forget Dalek and Cybermen and Doctor- themed box-sets, forget even the multiple season box-sets…

You see where I’m going?

The BBC’re currently running nostalgic reanimations of things they killed with bricks.  It’s desperate and sweaty, but understandable.  Imagine.  Just imagine.  A complete Doctor Who Collection box-set.  It’s Auntie’s only reliable brand.9  The potential’s incredible – for Humanity if nothing else.  Y’know, if Auntie doesn’t go full-Dodgson.10

3.  Other opinions are available.

4.  Triple-bluff for balance there.

5.  Still, that’s showbiz.1

6.  It’s, let’s be fair, the same as taping an album for a friend/reading a magazine in Smiths/finding a VHS in the street, and being charged full-price for the experience .1

7.  For Kroll’s sake, don’t throw in a ring modulator though.  If the peasants and livestock see behind that particular curtain, the outcry’ll be horrific.  Thankfully, Equity don’t seem to care. 

8.  If there’s an actual proper reason that The Enemy of the World and The Web of Fear cost so much to bring back to life there was nothing left in the budget for VAM, then the BBC shouldn’t shy from explaining what that reason was – when they can.  Barring the Destruction of Humanity, I can see this story running for a while yet.

9.  BC.

10.  She will, just you wait.  I’ve presented a potential business model for the brand11 that emphasises integrity and longevity in the long-term (I doubt I’m the first).  This isn’t a Barrowmenesque rejection of the facts.  Torchwood: the ship that sank itself.  Hopefully Class’ll do better.  After all, it only exists to keep BBC 3 viable, and surely it can’t get that wrong…

11.  Ych y fi

Doctor Who and the Melting Internet

There are two classes of forecasters: those that don't know, and those that don't know they don't know.

- J. K. Galbraith

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, 1949

You join us mid-conversation, Lady and Gentleman.  Don't worry, you'll soon catch up.

Him:  I thought you meant personal news.

Me:  Ha!  No, it's not personal news.

Him:  That's why I was, like, "Am I going to hate this?"

Me:  "I'm afraid my legs're going to have to come off."

Him:  Yeah.  Or that we're moving to Uzbekistan.

Me:  Uzbekistan? 

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  No, we're not moving.  We're staying in the Arctic.

Him:  Okay.

Me:  I've got a suspicion that you didn't hear about this.

Him:  I don't think I did.

Me:  Yesterday, the BBC Doctor Who Twitter account did one of its-  It announced there was going to be an announcement.  You know like they do trailers for trailers?  This was an announcement for an announcement.  And that it was going to be 'HUGE'.  In capital letters.  And so some of the internet melted.  Then it was announced that the announcement was going to be announced at eleven o'clock.

Him:  Today?

Me:  No, no, last night.

Him:  Right.

Me:  You haven't heard about this have you?

Him:  No.

Me:  You're missing all of the promotion totally, aren't you? 

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  And, really, you're the target audience, so I'm not sure it's working as well as the BBC`d like.

Him:  Yeah, I don't know what they're trying.  Their target audience doesn't have Twitter accounts.

Me:  Ha!  I think some of them do.  Or they're on Tumblr.  So...  When they say it's going to be a huge piece of news - and this has come out of nowhere, it's all unexpected.  There's supposed to be an announcement on October 7th about something, but people seem to be thinking that's going to be about The Underwater Menace coming out on DVD at the end of the month, which everyone knows anyway-

Him:  It's coming out at the end of the month?

Me:  Yeah. 

Him:  I thought they weren't releasing it?

Me:  They're going to release it now, yeah.

Him:  You told me-

Me:  No, no, no.  It's coming out. 

Him:  But you said they were never-

Me:  They changed their minds.  Which is quite encouraging.  But, there's still been no announcement of what special features, if any, are going to be on it.  Or what's been done to cover the two missing episodes, whether they've been reconned or what, so the theory doing the rounds is still that, "It's all escaped from the BBC Canteen!"  So, when the official BBC Doctor Who account announces that it's going to give some HUGE news...  What do you imagine happens on the internet?

Sea badger!

Him:  People come up with theories.

Me:  Oh yes, oh yes.  There's  a big race - and I did it as well, of course.  What you do is come up with as many theories as possible-

Him:  In the hope that one of them's correct and you can then claim credit for it?

Me:  Yeah!  And just ignore all the ones that were wrong.  Yeah.  It's all part of the game.  And it's fun.  Right, so...  If it's going to be a HUGE piece of news about Doctor Who, what sort of theories do you think people were coming up with?  What comes to mind initially?

Him:  The Zarbi'll be back.

Me:  Ha!

Him:  That'll have been the top of everyone's list.  Ummmm.  They're going to recolour the TARDIS. 

Me:  Okay.

Him:  They're going to make it orange, to contrast with... normality.  Umm...  And, they're actually going to give the Doctor a giant man-eating rabbit as a companion.

Me:  That would've been cool.  The companion idea was one of the ones-

Him:  The man-eating rabbit?

Me:  No.  that there might be a companion-

Him:  Is the man-eating rabbit appearing?  Is that a thing that I've correctly guessed?

Me:  No, you haven't.  No-one got it right.  There's a new spin-off series.

Him:  Steven Moffat finally got his spin-off series?

Me:  Ha!  Sort of.  It's being written by someone who's not Steven Moffat though-

Him:  Oh.

Me:  And it's called Class.  So, what do you think that it might be about?

Him:  Are you sure it isn't being written by Steven Moffat?  'cause he sure managed to make Chalk disappear.

Me:  Ha!  Oddly enough, as soon as it was announced I did put up "Chalk Version 2.0"!  It's going to be set in Coal Hill school and it's going to follow teenagers-

Him:  That sounds incredibly dull.

Me:  It's going to follow teenagers and it's going to be all about alien inv-

Him:  It's either going to be incredibly dull or ethically wrong.

Me:  'Ethically wrong'?  Why 'ethically wrong'?

Him:  Because you shouldn't be going to schools...  It's just... No.  You shouldn't be involving children.  Especially not all these children who seem to have some kind of...  I can't tell if they're bad actors or if they're...  They were in some sort of-

Me:  Oh!  In the last-

Him:  Yeah.  The special care unit who can talk to the dead and speak to fairies and stuff.

Me:  Okay.

Him:  And who tell terrible jokes about finding x.  That's probably why Chalk failed.

Me:  The problem with Chalk-1

Him:  I wouldn't know, because it's gone.

Me:  Yeah, it's gone.  It doesn't exist anywhere, which is pretty good going 'cause-

Him:  I'd probably watch it, but it's not there.

Me:  You can get hold of Edison's Frankenstein film but you can't find Chalk.  It's really weird.  What else isn't out there?

Him:  Do you mean Go On?

Me:  'Go On'?

Him:  Go On.

Me:  Was this the Mrs Doyle spin-off series?

Him:  Ha!  No, this was one of Matthew Perry's series.

Me:  Oh!  This was the one that just vanished, wasn't it?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  They made, like, two episodes and it-

Him:  No, they made a whole season in 2012 and it was great.  It just doesn't exist anymore. 

Me:  It's weird, isn't it?  Very odd indeed.

Him:  And then you can't watch any of Matthew Perry's Second Chance.

Me:  Was it called Second Chance or Matthew Perry's Second Chance?

Him:  There was another TV show called Second Chance...

Me:  So it was called Matthew Perry's Second Chance?

Him:  But it's not, it was one of the first things he was in.

Me:  Oh!  Before he was in Friends?

Him:  Yeah.  He's really young in it.

Me:  So it wasn't even his second chance?

Him:  No, it was his first chance.  Only one episode of that seems to exist.

Me:  Right.

Him:  And I'd like to see the rest of it, because it's typical comedy where, y'know, people laugh at every joke and all the actors take pauses because they know the audience is going to be laughing.

Me:  Chalk... didn't... get that.  That was part of the problem.  It got commissioned for a second series before the first...  It was very unlucky.  Anyway, Class.  It was really clever the way the BBC did it.  The Doctor Who sections of the internet basically melted, Doctor Who fans-

Him:  They melted?

Me:  - of a certain age, had decided that obviously this meant there was going to be an announcement about the missing episodes.  Finally.

Him:  Definitely.

Me:  Yeah.  But no.  So, they're not happy.

Him:  There're going to be Matt Smith flavour sweets called... umm...

Me:  What flavour would Matt Smith be?  Licorice?

Him:  Yes.  And it's going to be called-

Me:  'Smiffies'.

Him:  I don't even know.  I spent about a minute there trying to think of something clever and... No.  There's nothing.

Me:  Well, I think Class is eight forty-five minute episodes and it's going to be on BBC3, which'll be online by then...  It's just going to be an online channel.2

Him:  Is it going to be any good?

Me:  Well, I hadn't heard of the guy who's writing it but-

Him:  Is this not what happened-

Me:  It's 'Young Adult' stuff.

Him:  Wasn't Futurama's goal to try and spend all the money they were making from The Simpsons so it would just die?  But then they both got really...

Me:  Successful?

Him:  A similar thing happened with Family Guy, I'm sure.  That has about nineteen spin-off series and they just won't die.  There's more money and, "I just don't wanna write this anymore."

Me:  I don't think it's that.  I think it's an attempt to replicate the success of Doctor Who3 or at least spin-off from the success of Doctor Who.  It'll help BBC3...  The problem is, a lot of Doctor Who fans seem to think the show's being made for them, which it isn't.  And it's easy to forget that.

Him:  But they're the only ones who get the Twitter updates, so...

Me:  Well, yeah, but the audience for this particular series will be on Twitter.  It's the 'Young Adult' thing again.  It's filling the 'gap' between The Sarah Jane Adventures and Torchwood.

Him:  I don't really think a balance of those would be a good thing, mixing the cast of The Sarah Jane Adventures and the script of Torchwood.

Me:  Ha!  Well... yes.  You've not seen any Torchwood, have you?

Him:  No.

Me:  You've only heard my opinion-

Him:  You seem to think it's just awful, so...

Me:  Oh, it is.  It's absolutely appalling.

Him:  But you didn't watch the only one that's supposed to be watchable though.

Me:  No, I haven't.  Children of Earth.  Which was followed by Miracle Day, which was a return to form apparently and basically killed the series dead.

Him:  And what about that one phase in every transition to a Cyberman that they usually forget to show?

Me:  What?  The high-heel stage?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  Good grief, that episode is so bad it's almost good.  It's awful.

Him:  Did you not have fun watching it to laugh at?  Or was it not that bad, or was it too bad?  Had it crossed the line twice?4

Me:  The first ten minutes of the first episode were okay.  I thought, "This could be alright."  And then, after that-4

[SCENE MISSING]

Me:  - but that's just my take on it.  It's only an opinion.  No-one sets out to make bad...

Him:  You don't know that.

Me:  No.  Well, Curse of Fatal Death...  Just kidding.  So, fair play to the BBC, they did everything they needed to do and Class got HUGE promotion, so that's good.  This`ll be an unexpected update that`ll surprise people.

Him:  Okay.

Me:  And then back to usual.

Him:  Okay.  We don`t need to make noises because you`re typing it.

Me:  That`s true.  And on that bombshell!


1.  Kroll bless the melty internet...

2.  Which means that Class won't - and can't - be canon.

3.  Take a bow Primeval, Robin Hood, Merlin, Atlantis and so on.

4.  Okay, I'd better explain what happened between myself and Torchwood to balance this hatchet job out.

For the last ten years I've swapped Christmas Day and Boxing Day around.  Christmas Day has become a leap day for me.  Basically, I lounge around and watch a box set in one go - stopping for a curry at the halfway point.  The extended edition of Lord of the Rings wasn't a great idea - I was experiencing Orc Fatigue by the end of the fifth disc and I've not watched it since.  Anyway, Doctor Who'd come back all spangly, brash and exciting and there was I, living without TV or an internet connection.  I did share the cave with an invisible Wampa, but that's a whole other story.

I'd read about Torchwood in Doctor Who Magazine, one eye shut to avoid spoilers, and it sounded like a great idea, exciting and fresh and new.  So, I treated myself to the Season One boxset - which looks lovely to this day - and lined up the discs ready for full-on immersion.  It started so promisingly...

After the first ten or so minutes I was getting nervous.  Now, it's not impossible that all the fault for what I'm about to type lies with me.  Opinions and all that.  I made a conscious decision to stop watching TV in 2003 and that's not been a problem.  I still keep track of what's going on in the world and I'll happily shell out for a box set if it catches my fancy, but on the whole I find there's not enough hours in the day without TV.  Of course, this means that when I do watch TV shows, I'm coming at them from a slightly different place to a lot of the audience.  And ten minutes into the first episode of Torchwood I was getting nervous because what I was watching just wasn't very good.  And I really, really wanted it to be good.

If anything, it went downhill, gathering pace with each episode.  The tone was baffling, the show seemed to have no idea what it was or who it was aiming at, which is fair enough for a show that was, in its own way, trailblazing.  I'd had enough time away from Doctor Who to get the sense that this was the kind of show that the fans of the more adult-themed novels that pumped out relentlessly during the Wilderness Years really wanted.  Which is ludicrous.  I've said it before and I'll damn well say it again: Doctor Who cannot grow with its audience or, eventually, it won't have one.  Because they'll all be dead.  Sorry, but that's how life works. 

The main problem that Torchwood suffered from - in my opinion - was that it was fan fiction, pure and simple.  And fan fiction's not mainstream by its very nature.  The Sarah Jane Adventures was more successful as a series than Torchwood for several reasons, but the main one was its appeal.  Nostalgic Doctor Who fans could enjoy it just as much as the younger audience the show was targeted at.  It didn't hurt that the characters were sympathetic and, in many cases, the writing was sharper than both Torchwood and, I'd argue, several episodes of post-Doomsday Doctor Who.  Torchwood just didn't have that.  It wanted to be an Angel to Doctor Who's Buffy, but that wasn't going to happen because Doctor Who already filled the Angel position in the Whoniverse.  It's a family show.  While it's fine to push the limits - Doctor Who's been "too scary for kids" since Barbara banged her head in that junkyard - there are limits.  Oddly enough, The Curse of Fatal Death remains a prime example of what happens when those limits are stumbled over, and many of its flaws are identical to Torchwood's.  Which is weird.

In the end, the only way I managed to get through the box set marathon - and I accept that it wasn't an ideal way of watching the show - was to pretend it was a modern Police Squad. 

I gave Torchwood the benefit of the doubt - trailblazing's not easy - and borrowed the first few episodes of the second series from a chum.  It... wasn't for me.  Later on, I tried listening to the audios that cropped up on Radio 4.  Same problems.  I know that Children of Earth has a great reputation - I still haven't seen it - and that Miracle Day doesn't.  I also know that any exploration of why the Doctor chose Peter Capaldi's face that might be coming up in the next few weeks can totally discount the actor's appearance in Children of Earth, because it has to. 

Doctor Who's a mainstream family show and... well.  That's it.  Nothing else matters.  Or counts.

I can see Torchwood as a brave experiment now; The Sarah Jane Adventures definitely learned from the mistakes its elder stablemate made.  We'll see how Class fares soon enough.  Class is going to benefit hugely from its association with Doctor Who, but it won't be Doctor Who.  It can, of course, build on the Time Lord's achievements and, hopefully it'll become something glorious, exciting, revolutionary and HUGE. 

Y'know, like Torchwood wasn't.