Series Thirty-Five Second Trailer 'Review' (Spoiler-Free)

Explanation separates us from astonishment, which is the only gateway to the incomprehensible.

- Eugene Ionesco

Franz Kafka's It's A Wonderful Life

Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens aus unruhigen Träumen erwachte fand er sich in seinem Bett zu einem ungeheuren Ungeziefer verwandelt.

- Franz Kafka, Die Verwandlung1

Me:  So, that was Franz Kafka’s It’s a Wonderful Life written and directed by-  Oo!  Hazel Pethig.  Ah, sorry – she did the costume, she didn’t direct it.  It was directed by someone else but we’ll get to that.  First off, I’m intrigued about the fact that you’re now ‘a Healer’.

Him:  What?

Me:  You’re ‘a Healer’.

Him:  We should make them guess what that means.  The world, I mean.

Me:  Why is it that every single creative avenue that I wander down – that’s in any way successful – has to involve somebody who’s a Reverend of some description?

Him:  I’m not a Reverend.

Me:  Well, what are you then?

Him:  A Healer.

Me:  And how does that work?

Him:  Same as being a Reverend.

Me:  Ha!  In what way?

Him:  It’s just a cooler name. 

Me:  And?

Him:  What do you mean ‘And?’?

Me:  You got to explain this.

Him:  I don’t.  Let’s just change the subject.

Me:  To something other than your ordination?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  But you are… ordained?

Him:  Yeah.  And if multiple people get ordinated at the same time-

Me:  Get what?

Him:  Get ordinated.  You have to say that, otherwise the joke doesn’t work.

Me:  Ha!

Him:  That’s co-ordination.

Me:  I like that.  Okay, it probably wasn’t that funny but-

Him:  It was hilarious.  It was comedy gold.

Me:  Fried gold.

Him:  Murray Gold…

Me:  Yes, let’s not.  So, we’ve just watched Franz Kafka’s It’s a Wonderful Life, which was written and directed by Peter Capaldi.  How familiar are you with Metamorphosis?

Him:  I know it.

Me:  I think…  Have you read the original?

Him:  No.  We only read a bit of it.

Me:  Thousands of-

Him:  It’s not that long, is it?

Me:  It’s fairly short.  Thousands of years ago, which can’t be right, when I was living on top of a hill next to a park… 

Him:  What was in the park?

Me:  Trees.  Elderly people.  White dog poo.

Him:  What type of trees?3

Me:  Unyielding trees.

Him:  Unyielding with rage?

Me:  That’s why I’ve got the bizarre triangular scar on the front of my head.  Anyway, in school, we watched this odd theatrical version of Metamorphosis – written and adapted by Steven Berkoff.  Tim Roth was in it and it was set in a jungle gym.  Tim Roth was in it, so was Berkoff…  Saskia Reeves.  The last time I saw Berkoff, he was acting alongside a Menoptra in David Fincher’s version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  He also turned up in Brass Eye.  And annoyed some folk at the Edinburgh Festival recently.  Interesting fellow.  Saskia Reeves cropped up in a film called I.D., which was very good.  She played Luther’s boss for a few episodes as well.  Anyway…  Peter Capaldi won an Oscar for that.  Can you see why?

Him:  You tell me.  Don’t spoil the fun.

Me:  Ken Stott…  I’ve been talking about A Touch of Cloth this week and I still think that my long-running prejudice is correct in that Ken Stott was the only actor who could play Rebus.  I’ll have to put a link here to The Payphone Story.  Ian Rankin once walked past me.

Him:  Did he just keep walking?  He didn’t turn around and say, “Hello”?

Me:  Weirdly enough, he didn’t know who I was.

Him:  Peter Capaldi knew who you were though.  The time you saw him.

Me:  Ah, he didn’t know who I was, but he knew that I knew who he was.  And he knew that I knew that he knew.

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  It was a very strange moment.  Unlike the time that Sylvester McCoy walked by me on a Cardiff street.

Him:  Wasn’t he on the phone?

Me:  Yeah.  And – another one – I got stuck behind Richard E. Grant in Edinburgh.

Him:  Did you just give him a big hug?

Me:  No!  I was having my lunch, sat on a bench in Princes Street Gardens and he was sat next to me.  So, naturally, I’m thinking, “That’s Richard E. Grant!  He’s sat next to me!”

Him:  And you said all this.  And then you turned to him and said, “Hello…”

Me:  I was very careful not to say it out loud.  Kept in my head.  So, I waited until he’d gone, and this is where it gets embarrassing-

Him:  And then you went over to his table?

Me:  No, it was a bench.  Do you remember any of the times we’ve been to Princes Street Gardens?

Him:  I think you’ve just made it up.

Me:  The first time we went, we were given a gauranga sticker and a guidebook to the afterlife.

Him:  Am I supposed to know what any of these words mean?

Me:  Largely, yeah. 

Him:  What’s Princess Street Gardens?

Me:  Princes Street Gardens.  When you get off the train in the centre of Edinburgh and you walk up – Do you really not remember this?

Him:  Why did they give us a veranda?

Me:  Gauranga.  No, they gave us a veranda and I’ve carried it around ever since-

Him:  You kept it.

Me: -in my notebook.

Him:  We’ve decided to put it on top of the garage.  It’s a good place to relax.  On the veranda.

Me:  On the gauranga.

Him:  What’s a gourengi then?

Me:  I was trying to catch my train back to the Arctic-

Him:  What is it?

Me:  A train?

Him:  Gourangi.

Me:  Gauranga.

Him:  Whatever, what is it?

Me:  Click the link.

Him:  No, tell me what it is and then cut it out.  If you must.

Me:  Click the link.  I ended up stuck-

Him:  What is it?

Me: -behind-

Him:  What is it?

Me:  -Richard E. Grant-

Him:  What is it?

Me:  -walking down- It’s a greeting.

Him:  Like when you walk into that shop and they slap you.

Me:  What?  The Disney Shop?

Him:  No!  When you walk into a Lidl and they say, “Have you ever been Lidled before?”

Me:  “Have you ever been harvested before?”

Him:  I’m sure that’s what they say in Lidl.

Me:  Isn’t it supposed to be pronounced 'Lidl'?

Him:  They don’t say that in the adverts, so I don’t say that.  That’s not what the cool kids say.

Me:  Anyway, cricket was good.  Did you enjoy Franz Kafka’s It’s a Wonderful Life?

Him:  You know, you can’t type up those different pronunciations because they’re all spelt the same way.

Me:  I’ve sorted it.  Did you notice the way that the window in Mr Kafka’s room, looked an awful lot like the one in A Christmas Carol?

Him:  No, I didn’t.  But that’s because I wasn’t actually looking for things like windows out of Doctor Who’s A Christmas Carol.

Me:  Well.  Did you enjoy it?

Him:  For the sake of further-

Me:  No!  Let’s not go there.

Him:  Did you enjoy it?

Me:  Yeah, I thought it was really good.  Can you see why it won the Oscar?

Him:  Can you?

Me:  Yeah, I think so.

Him:  Explain.

Me:  It’s well-written, it’s very well-filmed and…  It’s possibly more imaginative than a lot of recent Doctor Who.  And that includes recent Doctor Who that I’ve very, very much enjoyed.

Him:  Really?  That?

Me:  I thought it was good.

Him:  It was alright.  Made in 1873.

Me:  It was made in 1873.

Him:  As you can tell by the roman numerals.  Lots of people wouldn’t know that’s 1873.

Me:  It’s weird isn’t it?  The Romans had no concept of ‘zero’ – the Maya did – but the Romans branded the BBC.

Him:  What did the Romans do every tenth year?

Me:  Y’know BBC Television Centre?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  Did you know it’s been sold?

Him:  Sure.

Me:  I… No, I didn’t see Harry Hill there.  Dead Ringers.  Um…  I was supposed to go and see Have I Got News For You a couple of times, but I had to give the tickets away…  That almost ties us in with Stephen Fry.  Brace yourselves, hippies, that one’ll be along next week. 

Him:  Oh no.

Me:  This week…  The BBC logo was removed from the front of the building.  Do you know what the last thing filmed there was? 

Him:  You told me and I’ve forgotten, so it obviously wasn’t important enough to keep.

Me:  It was Pitch of Fear II: An Adventure in Space and Time.

Him:  There y’go.  It wasn’t important enough to keep.

Me:  That’s one way of looking at it.  I, for one, wouldn’t denigrate Monsieur l’Gatiss.

Him:  ‘Mister the Gatiss’?  It’s ‘Gatiss’.

Me:  ‘Gatiss’.  That’s what I said.

Him:  You said ‘Gatiss’.

Me:  I didn’t.  I said ‘Gatiss’.  I can’t speak French.

Him:  You just did!  You went, “Mshoorrrlegeteee.”

Me:  Right.

Him:  “Aueeaueeau.”

Me:  No!  Stop that!  Make a noise like a honking mule.

Him:  “Aueeaueeau.”

Me:  Lovely.

Him:  Mrgh.

Me:  Mrgh.

Him:  Mrgh!

Me:  Mrgh!

Him:  MRGH!

Me:  MRGH!

Us:  MRGH!

1. 

3. The larch.

The Waking Ally (Choose Your Own Adventure variant)

You find yourself in space.  It's cold and starry.  Three figures (and a mysterious but familiar face) appear in front of you.  None of them have any cake.

Do you:

   Listen to what they've got to say?  Click here.

   Look inside the box?  Click here.

   Commission a print from the artist?  Click here.

   Show them your 2000 AD collection?  Click here.

   Ask where they're from?  Click here.

   Slay them and claim victory?  Click here.

   Ignore them and go on your way?  Click here.

The Jealousy of the Doctor

The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand.

- Lewis Thomas

or

Reality is not digital, an on-off state, but analogue. Something gradual. In other words, reality is a quality that things possess in the same way that they possess, say, weight. Some people are more real than others, for example. It has been estimated that there are only about five hundred real people on any given planet, which is why they keep unexpectedly running into one another all the time.

- Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

I think there’s a fox living in the garden. 

That’s not how I was originally planning to start this entry but seeing as the animal in question keeps distracting me I thought it only fair to give them a mention.  And, let’s be fair, it’s pretty cool.  Well, it is if you like foxes anyway.

For a while now I’ve been livening up the rolling-stock sections of my commute by texting ludicrous and unfounded observations to the blameless folks at the Blue Box Podcast, Starburst’s Doctor Who audio conversation.  Often, they’ve been good enough to read them out.1  More on this in a bit - I’ve got to officially declare a conflict of interest3 but that can wait for a few paragraphs.

I’ve been hinting obliquely about other projects for the last few months.  Both of them are going to be fun, and one of them is something that I’m very excited about indeed.  I’ve started the research stage and done some groundwork.  It’s already led to the Forbidden Books section of one major library as well as a psychogeographical4 field trip disguised as a genuine vampire hunt.  I’m fired up and ready to go but there’s been a problem.  Every time I’ve freed space to work on these alternate avenues, the Doctor’s thwarted my plans.  Seriously, you’d think I was Davros or something.  I’m beginning to wonder if he’s a bit, y’know, possessive.

In the aftermath of 2013’s regeneration, I was able to excavate a long blocked-off section of the nostalgia mine I’ve uncovered in Cardiff.  I didn’t find what I was looking for, which means that it’s gone forever, as unobtainable as yesterday or childhood.4  However, I did find some other things, including the first issue of Starburst that I ever read.  You’ll notice I didn’t say ‘owned’ there.  That’s because, technically, it’s not mine – having been accidentally left in my past by a neighbour’s grandson.  

The first Starburst Three.

 My relationship with Starburst had been pretty stand-offish up until last week, despite it springing from the same explosive imagination as Warrior and Doctor Who Comic.5  (Dez Skinn is a bit like John McShane in that he keeps making unexpected guest appearances when I’m researching things.)6  As is usually the way, our weird sideways glances and awkward shuffles are all my fault.  Starburst wasn’t – and isn’t – a comic.  When I was still forming, this was an important factor in whether or not something cultural grafted successfully onto my personality.  Of course, we change our priorities and opinions over the decades, but let’s not go into that here.

When the Him encouraged me into submitting essays to You and Who: Contact Has Been Made (posts passim) I didn’t realise there was any connection to Starburst and I certainly didn’t expect to find myself as a guest percentage on a podcast as a demonstration of synchronicity in action.7

Click Me.

I always get nervous before a performance.  Always have and hopefully always will.  After all, if you aren’t sweating fear bullets then you either don’t care enough to be doing it, or you’re just going through the motions.  The panel on the above link consists of me, Doc Whom and the Reverend Captain Hullo Porro (known from this point on as the Reverend)8 – with Talent-taming courtesy of J. R. Southall.9 

We recorded the podcast nine days ago; earlier today it went live, Warrior’s M*****man finally got republished and this escaped into the wild:

Epipod the First: Journey Into Terror

 I think there’s a fox living in the garden.

1. But you already know this because you’ve been following us on Facebook and Twitter, ain’t that right?2

2.  Yes, both of you.

3.  It’s an old tradition, or a charter, or something.4

Doctor Who Comic yesterday.

4.  Yeah, yeah.

5.  I wrote a true and accurate history of Doctor Who Comic4 for the Doctor Who Appreciation Society.  Go on, treat yourself.

6.  Apophenia the Library Angel is also going to be popping up a lot through 2014.  Clang! goes another name.

7.  A percentage that sounds more like the correct speed to play Jeff Wayne’s Jeff Wayne’s Musical Version of H. G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds at that.4

8.  No, not that one.

9.  His debut gig story is the second coolest one I’ve ever heard.10 

10.  Correct at time of typing.

The Five(ish) Doctors Reboot

What’s the use of a good quote if you can’t change it?

- Colin Baker

Me:  Wow.  Just…  Wow.

Him:  I don’t know what to say.

Me:  That was superb.  What a treat.

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  I’m feeling worryingly upbeat at the moment. 

Him:  Right.  Any particular reason?

Me:  Just that…  I think we’ve been very lucky this weekend.  I can remember watching Dimensions in Time when it went out.

Him:  Did you think it was good as Dimensions in Time?

Me:  What, The Five-Ish Doctors?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  I thought it was quite a bit better than Dimensions in Time.

Him:  Ha!

Me:  In fact…  Yeah.  Beautifully done.  What a treat.

Him:  Yup.

Me:  “Wik lint usal, Mr Davison.”

Him:  That’s not it.

Me:  No?

Him:  No.  It’s “usl”.  I’ll get the book.  Y’know, the book that you’re in.1

Me:  Um…

The Him hops off to the bookshelf.

Him:  It’s in Volume Two, yeah?

Me:  It…  Is.

Pause.

Book:  flkflikkyflkflky-flk

Him:  “Dish of the Day.”  Got it.  “w-i-k-Capital I-n-t –u-s-u-l”.  The final l’s a capital.

Me:  Shall I just put a photo in?

Him:  If you like.

1.  I’ve got essays in both volumes of You and Who: Contact Has Been Made, but was luckily enough to write the Peter Davison tribute in Volume 2.  Still available from Miwk Publishing, chums…

"Dear Mister Christmas..."

#Whoniversary - The Day of the Doctor 3D Trailer

What is a diary as a rule?  A document useful to the person who keeps it, dull to the contemporary who reads it, invaluable to the student, centuries afterwards, who treasures it!

- Ellen Terry

or 

The future is made of the same stuff as the present.

- Simone Weil

#Whoniversary - The Last Day

 

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

- Steven Wright