Top Geak the First

Life is nothing but surprises. Even our tragedies turn out different than we expect.

 -Marty Rubin 

Lady and gentleman, here's something me and the Him're contributing to that you might well enjoy.  It covers a lot of stuff - including interviews with Colin Baker,1 Sylvester McCoy1 and Sophie Aldred1 - and the Top Geak team are all very lovely indeed.  Okay, I'm biased, but that doesn't mean I'm not right.  Top Geak's going to be monthly and it's not necessarily always going to be about what you expect, which won't cause you any lasting damage.  The Him's Thing involves game reviews and the current epipod's got the audio version of my Twilight of the Superhero 'lecture'.2

TOP GEAK EPIPOD 1.1 

1.  Yup, that one.

2.  Very special thanks to everyone who's been lovely and helped promote the piece, especially PHRC for this.  x

Series Thirty-Five SDCC Trailer Review(s)

That which has been accepted by everyone, everywhere, is almost certain to be false.

- Paul Valery 

We both make an appearance on the latest edition of the sparkling Who Wars podcast, along with some very fine folk.  This is a slightly longer transcript of what we said.  Go and have a listen, subscribe or what-have-you - it's great.  (And also contains the interview with Colin Baker as carried out by the wonderful Rev.)

Just to spoil the surprise somewhat, the section of Who Wars that we feature in is slightly four-dimensional.  In many ways, it's more of a trailer for reviews than a review of a trailer.  Read into that whatever you like, chums...

Me:  I'm just going to press 'play' and get a reaction.  See what you think of it.  This went live at Comic Con in San Diego, okay?  I won't say anything else.  Have a watch and I'll get your reaction afterwards.  Okay?

'Play' gets pressed and this happens.

Me:  Do you wanna watch it again?

Him:  Do you want to watch it again?

Me:  Let's watch it again.

We watch it again.

Me:  Right, I've got a couple of things I want to show you really quickly and then-

Him:  Ooooo.

Me:  There's this...

Find yourself the shot of the Dalek.  Freeze the playback and check the bottom left of the frame.

Him:  Oh, it's this again.  Dalek.

Me:  Yeah.  What about the Dalek?

Him:  Could just be bad lighting.

Me:  That's definitely an old Dalek.

The Him stares at the sea-badger.  The sea-badger stares right on back.  And that's when the attack comes...

Me:  You know that weird city?

Him:  No.

Me:  There's a-

Him:  I don't try and tear trailers apart, I just watch them.

Me:  Fair enough.  What's your reaction to it?

Him:  You know I don't give reactions to trailers either.

Find the shot of the city.

Him:  That city?  That's the one you're talking about?1 

Me:  Yeah.  Does it remind you of the Dalek city? 

Him:  The Dalek city's going to be pretty empty right now.

Me:  The original one.  I don't know.  Looks good.  Looks like a model.  Right.  Are you excited about the new series of Doctor Who?

Him:  Sure.

Me:  The, "What took you so long?"  The bit at the end.  Any idea who that might be, or what that might be about?

Him:  Like I said, I don't actually try and think into these things, I wait and see.

Me:  Okay.  Does the trailer make you more excited about the series?

Him:  What're you trying to do?

Me:  I'm trying to get answers out of you.

Him:  Honestly, what're you trying to do?

Me:  Ha!  I'm trying to get your reactions to the trailer.  Did you enjoy the trailer?

Him:  Sure.

Me:  Okay.  Right.  Great.  And are you excited about the new series of Doctor Who, then?

Him:  You've already asked me that.

Me:  I know, but I'm not sure I'm getting an answer.

Him:   Yeah.

Me:  Ha!  "Yeah."  That's your answer is it?  Okay, were there any bits in that-  What about the guitar?  Did you like the guitar?

Him:  Right, I don't have...  You know when you hold down the camera button on some of the later Apple products?

Me:  Uh huh.

Him:  And it takes twenty-four photos a second?

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  Unlike you, I can't do that, and save them all to my memory.  And then look at every single one individually.  

Me:  Okay.

Him:  'cause when you put on a trailer, I see you sitting there, just blinking your eyes repeatedly-

Me:  Ha!

Him:  snapsnapsnapsnapsnap snap  Taking every single second in as twenty-four photos and then sifting through them all going, "Yeah, what about that white Dalek?"

Me:  Well, in fairness, someone else pointed that out.  The guitar bit I noticed because it made me go, "Nrrrgggh."  I wasn't too pleased with the guitar bit, but then that's ridiculous because it's just a trailer.  Do you want to watch the Sherlock one?

Him:  No, I don't.

Me:  Okay.  So, I suppose it's goodnight from me and it's...

Him:  I wish it was goodnight.  You've just woken me up and this is not a good time to be waking up.  I could've slept for a few more hours. 

Me:  You couldn't have slept for a few more hours.  Civilisation would've come to an end!  You've been asleep for, like, forty hours.  Any longer and you'd be hibernating.

Him:  I haven't been asleep that long.

Me:  Yes, you have.  Comparatively.  I think you're growing.

Him:  I think you're growing.

Me:  Yeah, I am.  I'm definitely growing.  And on that bombshell!

1.  I haven't seen anyone point out that, with all the water and undersea bases and so on, it's obviously a hint that Fury the Deep's finally burrowed its way out of the BBC Canteen...  And, yes, that's what it's called.

The Five(ish) Doctors Reboot

What’s the use of a good quote if you can’t change it?

- Colin Baker

Me:  Wow.  Just…  Wow.

Him:  I don’t know what to say.

Me:  That was superb.  What a treat.

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  I’m feeling worryingly upbeat at the moment. 

Him:  Right.  Any particular reason?

Me:  Just that…  I think we’ve been very lucky this weekend.  I can remember watching Dimensions in Time when it went out.

Him:  Did you think it was good as Dimensions in Time?

Me:  What, The Five-Ish Doctors?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  I thought it was quite a bit better than Dimensions in Time.

Him:  Ha!

Me:  In fact…  Yeah.  Beautifully done.  What a treat.

Him:  Yup.

Me:  “Wik lint usal, Mr Davison.”

Him:  That’s not it.

Me:  No?

Him:  No.  It’s “usl”.  I’ll get the book.  Y’know, the book that you’re in.1

Me:  Um…

The Him hops off to the bookshelf.

Him:  It’s in Volume Two, yeah?

Me:  It…  Is.

Pause.

Book:  flkflikkyflkflky-flk

Him:  “Dish of the Day.”  Got it.  “w-i-k-Capital I-n-t –u-s-u-l”.  The final l’s a capital.

Me:  Shall I just put a photo in?

Him:  If you like.

1.  I’ve got essays in both volumes of You and Who: Contact Has Been Made, but was luckily enough to write the Peter Davison tribute in Volume 2.  Still available from Miwk Publishing, chums…

"Dear Mister Christmas..."

The Rings of Akhaten - Season 24 Remix

Original rap: Murray Gold.  Original photo: @PondsAreCool

Everything I touch seems destined to turn into something mean and farcical.

- Henrik Ibsen

Him:  We’re not doing a blog post on this.

Me:  Okay, right.  Now, in Doctor Who Magazine – in DWM 464 – this month’s1 – it says that Neil Cross’ original intention for the confrontation scene at the end of The Rings of Akhaten with the giant…  Ummm…  What was that thing?

The Him stares.

Me:  The Pumpkin God…

The Him’s still refusing to join in.  I try again.

Me:  Do you remember the speech at the Pandorica?  The Matt Smith speech.  “I. Am. Talking!”  That bit.  Well, some people got Sylvester McCoy to perform it at a convention.  Remember that?

Silence.

Me:  This is a similar sort of thing.  At a convention somewhere, some poor chap has – well, Colin Baker – has been handed this piece of paper which has got the Doctor's speech printed out on it and they’ve asked him to read it in the style of the Sixth Doctor.  Now, in the DWM, Neil Cross said - because he’s a big Lovecraft fan - his intention for this scene in the big, steaming pile of television, was that the Doctor would ultimately end up facing down a Lovecraftian Great Old One.  So, essentially, this creature would be…

By now the Him’s gurning has reached the point where he may actually damage himself permanently.

Me:  Ha!  Stop it!  So – this creature was going to be, if not Cthulhu, something that was so frightening - so unimaginably huge and terrifying, that it would tear our minds apart with razors made of algebra if we saw it - yet, the Doctor talks it into submission.  Wow!  Which makes me wonder how many drafts of that speech Neil Cross had written, before it was given to Matt Smith to deliver to a big green wall.  And how the bits that were borrowed from a Rutger Hauer improvisation got left in…  Oh… 

The Him’s stretched his lower lip right over his face and tucked it behind his ears.  It’s funnier than it sounds.  I untangle Him and try and continue.

Me:  Are you going to say anything?  Or just sit there doing impossible things with your face?

Him:  I’m trying to make you sound like you’ve lost it.

Me:  It’s working.  Also, I'm more than capable of doing that by myself, thanks.  So, the Doctor’s up, facing this brain-pulpingly huge Lovecraftian nightmare planet god thing.  One that looks like a pumpkin.  You can see all the ideas behind the story.  And they're fab.  A society based on singing; all the different species - the tricky questions about belief and sacrifice...  Even the leaf probably works on paper.  I get what he was aiming for, and the intentions are laudable.  This whole culture being in terror of an evil – and the singing holding it in place and everything…  Unfortunately…  Unfortunately, they gave it to whichever director they gave it to2 and it went through some kind of editing process that-   I don’t know what happened to it, but the director has an awful lot to answer for…  Anyway, I just want to know what you think of this…

Cue up the vid…

Me:  Basically, this is Colin Baker's version - but with added musical backing from the episode.  And it’s great.  Right up until Murray (“Itsa me”) Gold wakes up and the orchestra come in and then it becomes…  Ah.  I don’t know.  He’s got some sort of key that he writes in that makes me swear at televisions – and he seems to write the majority of his music in it now.  It’s like he’s auditioning for the most saccharine, sub-Lloyd Webber musical imaginable with audience-manipulating lowest-common-denominator tosh.  It pretends to be glorious and triumphant, but there’s nothing there but maths.  There’s no emotion. And, in fairness, he hasn’t always been like this.  Eight years on one project’s going to burn anyone out. 

Play gets pressed.  The girl sings.

Me:  The girl’s singing I can about cope with.

Colin Baker starts speaking. 

Me:  Go on, Col.

Colin Baker:  I’ll tell you a story.

All going well so far.  And then there's an odd silence.

Me:  I don’t know why he goes for a lie-down there, unless it’s to allow Murray Gold to come in with the- URGH!

The brown notes commence.  With choir.

Me:  mrrgGGH!

And on it squelches…

Me:  Oh, God…

Him:  You’ve only yourself to blame.

Me:  It’s awful.

And on…

Me:  Oh, say something, Colin.  I don’t want to listen to this any longer.

And on…

Me:  I'd rather watch The Sensorites.3 

Colin Baker's back in.  He throws himself into it and we get an idea of what could have been.  The fact the choir get dropped down in the mix doesn’t hurt either. 

Him:  “Itsa me, Murraygold.” 

Colin Baker:  Can you hear them singing? 

Me:  NO!  It’s better when you can’t hear them.  And why would they be singing like that anyway?  It’s their entire existence that depends on this encounter – it’s not an advert for cakes! 

And on… 

Colin Baker:  You’re not a god! 

Him:  “You’re just a big, burning orange.” 

Colin Baker continues to knock it out of the park. 

Colin Baker:  Take my memories… 

Him:  “Take my leaf.” 

Colin Baker:  I hope you’ve got a big appetite. 

Him:  “I hope you’ve got a big hat.” 

Colin Baker wrestles with the brown notes – squeezing the music into submission with an impassioned delivery.  We coast smoothly over the Blade Runner quote,4 and just when we think he’s crushed the terrible thing forever… 

Colin Baker:  Take it!  Take it all, baby! 

Me:  Auwgh!  Must we? 

And that’s it.  Game over.  He’s not getting out of that. 

Him:  Murraygold! 

Me:  Arrgh!  Urrgh! 

The musical smugout smugs on, crushing everything. 

Me:  It’s an alright speech, but it’s got an impossible line.  That's never going to be delivered by any actor - hell, any human being – whether or not they’re playing a Time Lord – no-one’s ever going to be able to say that line and make it…  No-one can say it without embarrassment because it’s terrible.  And the new series is littered with poisonous gems like that.  I bet it looks great on paper though.  It’s written to be read but not said.  Harrison Ford was right.  And that music’s abysmal.  It’s so bad.  I thought I might have been mistaken... 

Pause. 

Me:  I – I don’t know…  Aurgh.  You know what?  I reckon Murray Gold’s just using the "Boite Diabolique" now.  Some people like it though.  God knows what’s wrong with them. 

1.  One of the books I’m in gets a review in it.  The second one’s in DWM 465. 

2.  Farren Blackburn, it says here.  Sorry, fella – I bet this looked phenomenal on paper. 

3.  Genuinely.  The music actually produces a physical response from me that’s not dissimilar to the way some people view spiders or snakes.  Or sprouts.

I’ll go into more depth about the music at a later date but I think I should state that I do think Murray Gold’s capable of producing some great pieces of uplifting music.  This is Gallifrey, Our Childhood, Our Home still tugs something fundamental within me, I am the Doctor blew me away when I first heard it (I prefer The Sun’s Gone Wibbly though) and even the Gridlock hymn - not the comedy parp-parp stuff, whilst not my cup of tea, was better than this.  This is excessive, indulgent, un-edited and emotionally hollow .  Someone, somewhere needs to say; “Do it again and do it better.” 

4.  I'm not convinced by the Mortiis reference either...