If you despise that throwaway feeling From disposable fun Then this is the one - Martin L. Gore
(You fall through the clouds, damp
tentacles clutch at your tingling cheeks.Abruptly the opaque surroundings clear and you see that you’re
plummeting toward a rather solid looking toy village.The sun’s low in the distance and shadows stretch
like inky sneezes towards the broccoli-wood that hedges the edges.You don’t feel scared though; not until the
screech of a dinosaur rudely wakes you.)
Me:That’s a T. rex, isn’t it?
Him:Baby T. rex.
Me:Baby T. rex.Okay. The exciting news
that broke this week about The Power of
the Daleks?
Him:Oh, yeah.I definitely know about that.
Me:Okay, what do you know about
it?
Him:I know that you sent me a link, and the link said, “This does not
exist.”
Me:Yeah!That’s because, in classic
BBC ‘License-fee payers enjoyed the chance to watch these episodes for free
when they were first broadcast in the Sixties’ Worldwide fashion they, once
again, leaked what the secret reveal was.All by themselves.
Him:You have really red elbows.
Me:Have I?I suppose so…There’s a two-disc version of The Power of the Daleks coming out.It’s all been computer-animated, and it’s
based on designs by Adrian Salmon and Mar-
Him:What’s wrong with The Power of the
Daleks animation that’s already on YouTube?
Him:We watched it for about five minutes.You couldn’t handle it.
Me:They hadn’t… quite captured Polly’s likeness…
Him:Ha!And that one scene with, “Oh
yes, maybe this will work. Yes.Yes,
okay, I’ll take this bit and then…Okay.”And you’ve just got the
little Patrick Troughton drawing standing there -
Me:Just with the mouth moving.
Him:- completely still.
Me:There was that other computer-generated one where he slipped up the
wall.Do you remember that?
Him: No…
Me: It was animated photographs and it was really
creepy.It was a bit like the Annoying
Orange.A little bit Uncanny Valley for
my liking.Soooooo.There’s been some conjecture that if it’s
going to be two discs, then that suggests…Surely, you could fit six episodes on one disc if it’s just animation
and no extras?There’re rumours that it
might contain missing footage, but I don’t think that it’s going to.Why do you think this might be coming out?
Him:Why do I think what might be coming out?
Me:The Power of the Daleks.
Him:I don’t understand why you think it is.You sent me a link to-
Me: Oh no, it is, it is.The BBC’ve announced it and everything.It’ll be available to download and you’ll be
allowed to own the download after
you’ve bought it; it’s coming out on DVD too.
Him:You’re allowed to own the
download?
Me: The BBC’ve caught onto this new, modern
idea.This… y’know… valueless format.1
Him:“404 – Daleks not found.”Really,
it’s not…I don’t know why you think
it’s coming out.I could send you a
link, right, having typed in, ‘www.bbc.com’-
Me:‘.co.uk’
(Potentially the final appearance of the
sea-badger before Hallowe’en 2016…)
Him: Nah, it’s BBC Worldwide, innit.
Me:Ha!If it’d been BBC Miami, I’d
have understood.The whole thing’s
probably up there already.I wonder if
Marcel Carmego got his job back?Anyway…
Him:‘/The_Web_Planet_Episode_7_Through_9’ and saying they’d returned and that they’d been missing…And we still don’t have the remaining
episodes of The Web Planet, but seven
through nine have at least returned…I
could’ve sent you that link and said, “Whoah!Look at this!”And you’d have
clicked on the link and got, “Sorry, this web page doesn’t exist,” and you’d
have been-
Me:Web page!Very good.It did
come back up at midnight.I think,
basically, what you’re looking at here is…Because Top Gear’s curled up and died-
Him:Well, no.It just isn’t owned by
the BBC.
Me:Yeah, they own Top Gear.
Him:No, they lost it.
Me:No, they’ve got Top Gear, because now it’s a spin-off from Friends and-
Him:Didn’t it run away to Amazon?
Me: -just lost the ex-Mr Billie Piper…The presenters
ran away to Amazon.
Him:Did they?
Me:Yeah.That and Doctor Who were
the BBC’s biggest brands.2So now Doctor Who has to carry the torch
since Top Gear died on its arse-
Him:What about whichever one of the soap operas the BBC does?
Me:EastEnders?Yeah, but you don’t
get EastEndersbox-sets.You watch it once and then – meh.It’s not got rewatch value at all.
Him:It does if you’ve not seen it before.
Me:If you’ve never seen it before, that’s really good.It’s like never having bought a National
Lottery ticket.3Just kidding.Obviously, it’s one of the
most important breeding soups for new writers in the country.
Him:I thought that was Casualty?
Me:Same sort of thing.
Him:Casualty’s very important for new writers and new actors.Everyone in
the world has been on Casualty.
Me:It’s like Rep.Or The Bill.It’s a rite of passage you have to pass in
order to get your Equity card.
Him:It really is, though!But why?
Me: Well, it depends.If you haven’t got a mate running the
programme then that’s the route you’ve got to take…
Him:Even obscure voice actors who’ve only been a voice actor in one
thing…They’ve been in Casualty.
Me:Of course.Have you not… I’ve
been in Casualty, when’re you going
to be in Casualty?Have they not got in
touch with you yet?Everyone’s in Casualty.Everyone in the country.
Him:Casualty’s like jury duty.
Me:Ha!
Him:They send you a letter through and you have to be on Casualty, otherwise you can go to prison.
Me: Yeah.It’s a bit like jury duty or leader of the Labour Party.4
Him:Is Casualty any good?
(Okay, maybe I was a bit hasty with my
earlier sea badger prediction…I did type ‘potentially’.)
Me:So, anyway…Paterson Joseph was
great.
Him:Ah!You’ve got a signed thing
from him in Casualty.
Me: I have.He played Mark Grace.
Him:But was he in Casualty for more than one episode?
Me:He was. He was a regular.I think the reason the BBC’re doing it is
because they know they’ve got around twenty-thousand… people… who will shell
out for something that costs about 50p to make.
Him:It costs more than 50p to animate it.
Me:I meant to manufacture the physical DVD!
Him:Have you ever manufactured a
DVD?
Me:No.CDs though…Once you’re producing a certain amount it
gets cheaper with each one.It’s the initial
mastering that costs…There’s no
restoration required.If the BBC’ve come
up with the money in order to do the animation then…What this one is, really, is something that’s
just being sold-
Him:Last week, I specifically remember you telling me that they were never
going to release any more DVDs.I said,
“No, no.They can still make money off
them.”And you were like, “No!They’ve said they won’t!And they never will again!”And then, not a week later, not even a week later, you’re like,
“HRRRR!THEY’RE RELEASING NEW DVDs!”
Me:I reckon they’ve got the Hut bugged.
Him:Then, why even record this?The
BBC’ll put it up.
Me:That’s true.
Him:Although, to be honest, no-one’ll hear what I’m saying…Just your
replies…
Me:Ha!Let’s be fair, the reason the
BBC’re doing this one is because it’s a regeneration story and it’s got Daleks
in it.Also, it’s a classic and they can
really push it.
Him: It’s not really
a regeneration story.Are regeneration
stories spread across both
stories?I mean, that makes the TV Movie
a regeneration story squared.
Me: It’s a regeneration story in the same sense
that Castrovalva is…And remember, William Hartnell does appear in it.
Him:How much d’you think he got paid for that appearance?
Me:Nothing.Almost certainly.Or, very little.Going on the fact that Bret Vyon vanished off
the floor, ensuring Nicholas Courtney wouldn’t get an appearance fee, which was
a bit harsh.
Him:He did come back, I think.Was he
not an extra in one of the later stories?
Me:I think so, yeah.He turned up in
something, outside a castle…
Him:Was he in Casualty?
Me:He must’ve been.Colin Baker
was.He had glowing green eyes.
Him:Was he in Casualty for a long
time, or just the one episode?
Me:He was one of the main characters-
Him:Really?
Me: Yeah.He was the monster that lived in the hospital’s basement…Or, am I confusing that with something by
Lars Von Trier?So, I think that if this
is a success, we’ll probably get The Evil of
the Daleks, which would explain the computer-generated Dalek Queen that was
in that Doctor Who Adventures all that time ago…
Him:I don’t think they’ll ever
explain that.Also, that must’ve been
years ago.
Me:It takes a long time to do this stuff.
Him:It doesn’t take that long.
Me:It takes a while.
Him:It doesn’t take that long.
Me:Alright.Probably-
Him:And, if they had a shot of it, then it means they’d probably already
done it…
Me:Could just be a design.It
depends on how this stuff sells.If The Power of the Daleks sells really
well, then it could open the rest of the stories for the DVD market.If they can flog that one, then they can get
away with milking the fans to buy the rest.Having said that, the BBC’re going to have to start putting in some
extra features.It’s not like there’s
any restoration that’s been paid for.It’d put an end to the Omnirumour as well.
Him:The ‘Omnirumour’?
Me: Yeah, that’s the name for the rumour that all
the missing episodes’ve been returned and they’re just sitting-
Him:In the BBC Canteen?
Me:Unable to escape.
Him:You would get pretty sick of watching Feast of Steven on repeat.
Me:Ha!
Him:It’s a bit upsetting because that one, it cannot return.
Me:No.
Him:Because the BBC were wiping it as
they broadc-
(Tape runs out.)
1. A chat we’ll have another time.
2.
Oddly enough, at the time of typing it’s just been announced that
Auntie’s misplaced The Great British Bake Off as well, which really does put a
lot of pressure on Doctor Who, a show that’s – basically – not even on this year.
Leaving aside the political scourging the BBC’s currently undergoing, some of
it self-induced, it’s probably worth pointing out a few things that might be
going on here. First off, The Power of the Daleks isn’t the step
backward some fans might think. After Spearhead From Space and The Enemy Within, there’s no Classic
series stories that’re genuinely suitable for BluRay treatment. (BluRay’s not a terrific format either, it’s
nowhere near the huge jump in quality between VHS and DVD for a start. It arrived to the party slightly too late as
well, with digital media already starting to infect the wider industry. Even punishing DVD owners by only sticking
extras on BluRay didn’t work. After all,
who wanted to buy a new player and TV
to see what got chopped out of Prometheus?)
The range of Doctor Who DVDs is very, very good indeed. There are a few bad decisions – inverted
Terreliptils, ‘improving’ rather than enhancing and a tendency to
self-indulgent cronyism5 being the
least-defensible – but the love that went into producing them really shines
through. The most impressive thing about
the collection however, is also the T. rex everyone’s ignoring: the VAM.
With a few notable exceptions that we’ll get to, the Classic Doctor Who range
contains a staggering amount of historical information about one of the most
important1 TV shows ever made. But there are gaps, and, despite what Auntie
and other people may argue, those omissions are very, very hard to defend.
There’s a definite air of The Tripods about TV Professionals Who Happen To Be
Doctor Who Fans. The Uncapped are cattle fit for milking and mocking and not much else. Occasionally, one of these ‘Milkable Barkers’
will win a place at the side of the Chosen.
That these happy few seem to always hail from Arslikhan is just one of
those things. Like Derren Brown tossing
ten heads in a row. Or ‘needing’ a
zombie to provide a jump-scare climax to a 28 Days Later homage that makes
Pebble Mill’s Cyberman look like a herald of the Apocalypse.1
Two Troughtons returned. No extras. Those days’re done. Whatever
the official reasons for vanilla releases with no accompanying documentaries, they’re
bollocks. Truly. Not just a poor show, there’s no excuse. There wasn’t at the time, and there isn’t
now. I’m sure that BBC ‘License-fee
payers enjoyed the chance to watch these episodes for free when they were first
broadcast in the Sixties’ Worldwide will disagree – these are the folk who gave us the Regeneration and Fourth Doctor boxsets after all – but it’s an attitude that’s smug and arrogant and, well, rather entitled. The world’s changed – it might not even have
very long left – so denigrating your customers while they still exist, should
probably not be company policy. (You
might want to leave the knitting patterns alone too.)
In much the same way that record companies totally misunderstood how mp3 worked
and criminalised it as a format (remember then, kids?), the BBC need to be very careful here. It’s a no-brainer that The Evil of the Daleksand then Mission to the Unknown/The Daleks’ Master Plan are the next in line for production.
Both (yeah, yeah) stories have surviving episodes, which minimises the need
for animated episodes, and both feature Daleks – which, let’s be fair – and
Aaru never lie - are the main draw after the incumbent. The Daleks’ll be back next year – AsBill’s
intro presumably fulfilling the contractual obligations for 2016, we’ll see –
so that’d be the time to relaunch them.
Give Mr Chibnall’s run a boost/fighting chance/Open-Airing (delete
according to bias).
The BBC then have the opportunity to flog a box-set containing every Dalek story. The DVD market-door’s closing, but folk out
there might be tempted. A download
bundle’s one thing6, but AComplete
Dalek Story Box-Set You Can Drive? “Hey! This cash prints itself!”7
Auntie’s not got long. The twenty
thousand (cit. needed) fanfolk she’s
been exploiting won’t wait around forever.
There’re good quality reconstructions in the wild, complete with artwork
that matches her own design better than she’s always managed. DVDs are already a desktop-publishing market,
and her market knows the production costs.8
If, y’know, being all speculative, the Dalek stories sell, then…Well,
within a limited timeframe… There’s the
potential for half-a-century’s double-dipping.
Forget Dalek and Cybermen and Doctor- themed box-sets, forget even the
multiple season box-sets…
You see where I’m going?
The BBC’re currently running nostalgic reanimations of things they killed with
bricks. It’s desperate and sweaty, but
understandable. Imagine. Just
imagine. A complete Doctor Who Collection
box-set. It’s Auntie’s only reliable
brand.9 The potential’s incredible – for Humanity if
nothing else. Y’know, if Auntie doesn’t
go full-Dodgson.10
3.
Other opinions are available.
4.
Triple-bluff for balance there.
5.
Still, that’s showbiz.1
6. It’s, let’s be fair, the same as
taping an album for a friend/reading a magazine in Smiths/finding a VHS in the
street, and being charged full-price for the
experience.1
7. For Kroll’s sake, don’t throw in a ring modulator
though. If the peasants and livestock
see behind that particular curtain, the
outcry’ll be horrific. Thankfully, Equity
don’t seem to care.
8. If there’s an actual proper reason that The Enemy
of the World and The Web of Fear
cost so much to bring back to life there was nothing left in the budget for VAM,
then the BBC shouldn’t shy from explaining what
that reason was – when they can. Barring the Destruction of Humanity, I can
see this story running for a while yet.
9.BC.
10.
She will, just you wait. I’ve presented a potential business model for
the brand11 that emphasises
integrity and longevity in the long-term (I doubt I’m the first). This isn’t a Barrowmenesque rejection of the facts.Torchwood: the ship that sank itself. Hopefully Class’ll do better. After all, it only exists to keep BBC 3 viable,
and surely it can’t get that wrong…
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. - James Thurber
Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it the right way, did not become still more complicated. - Poul Anderson
Him: These names.
Me: So, what did you think of that then?
Him: What did you think of that?
Me: It reminded me a bit of The Satan Pit. I liked the 'base under siege' aspect of it. I thought it was incredibly strong. It zipped by very quickly. Really well-written, really well-acted, very well-directed. It looked great. Tense, edge-of-the-seat stuff. I thought the music was really good. I thoroughly enjoyed that. That's the best episode we've had in a long time.
Him: I think I'm too tired to watch these properly.
Me: Did you enjoy it?
Him: Yeah, but I just don't remember any of it.
Me: I think with this one - 'cause there're a few things that've leaked that you don't know about - this one's been told with part two first. Which is... Finally. In a time-travel-
Him: So, finally, more than fifty years into a time-travel related show they're doing something with the fact that it's a time-travel related show?
Me: The way that it's structured - even though it's a two-parter - it does remind me of another Doctor Who story.
Him: Ooo... Yeah. That was about the only other - that was so long ago.1 That one was really good as well.
Me: And the Monoids... I think the Monoids might be coming back, 'cause we've seen them as hand puppets in Time of the Doctor.2
Him: Yeah, The Ark was a good one. The cliffhanger of the stature being finished-
Me: Yes!
Him: That was all really good. That Monoid guy'd just waited there for them all to come back.
Me:Under the Lake was very clever. There's a named character in there, a character called Prentis, who we haven't met yet. So, do you think the Doctor's dead?
Him: Oh, yeah. Definitely.
Me: Uh huh. There was a lot to do with sound and vision-
Him: The second that there was the ghost out there I knew it was going to be the Doctor. Because that's how it goes.
Me: Well, yeah.
Him: It had to be, because the other ones were in the chamber and while they probably could've got out through the walls - I don't really know why they're stuck in that chamber in the first place... Do all underwater bases have ghost-proof chambers?
Me: Yeah, I think so. It comes as standard.
Him: Right. If it had been one of the other people that went with the Doctor... It doesn't really feel like a cliffhanger. It feels like a spoiler.
Me: But if it'd been all three of them?
Him: Yeah, that would've been cool. But it wasn't.
Me: That was the only bit that almost didn't work. I knew it was going to be the Doctor - it had to be.
Him: It had to be.
Me: Otherwise it doesn't up the jeopardy. It means that Clara's stuck-
Him: I feel it would've been better if... I dunno. I felt like that bit lasted just slightly too long, with Clara going, "No! No! No! No! No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Sea-badger!
Him: "NO!"
Me: Ha! It wasn't as bad as the Aliens of London one, was it? There the endings just didn't stop. Him: That at least had, like, five endings. It wasn't one ending that was, "NO! NO! NO!"
Me: We got the, "We need to talk," line in there, but it didn't go all Walking Dead which I thought was quite nice. "But, don't you see?" got said twice. Yeah. Autons and the Nethersphere getting a mention was cool. The Doctor came across as much more alien than he has done in a long time. I like the idea that he's got the cards.
Him: There's something bizarre with Peter Capaldi's Doctor. He's been written in a really unique way, because he has almost no understanding of people, whereas in the past he's had complete understanding of people.
Me: Yeah. I know that the temptation is to say, like I just did, that he's more alien, but I think he's being written more as the god-like figure that he represents. Like I've said before, the Doctor and the Master are essentially acting as gods and humans that encounter them... In a weird way, humans are the fleeting ghosts that flicker through a Time Lord's existence. Everything's temporary, because they're so much more- Basically, they're gods. They're immortal. Near enough. They could hang around forever. It's very Greek. The last two... I think it's been dialled up a lot more. Impressive stuff. Very strong. Were you expecting the Doctor to say it was a base under siege?
Him: Oh, yes.
Me: That was great. I've not really got much more to say. Until we've seen the next part, it's hard to really say anything.
Him: It'd be easier to watch if it wasn't so late and I wasn't so tired.
Me: It's very late now. Can I act as a bit of a Cassandra? Can I throw out a semi-prediction here? We know that the writing that the TARDIS can't translate - which, obviously we saw in The Satan Pit as well -
Him: Why does he never assume it's just a scribble?
Me: It's been scratched in as well. The rest of it's- Actually, it reminded me of Quatermass and the Pit.3
Him:Quamertass and the Hole?
Me: Ha! You've got this buried thing... It was nice seeing the Doctor put all the pieces together and uncover it as it's going along, but... Here we go. I think that this ghost process must be reversible. And we know that Clara got 'infected' as well. It must be a reversible process. And I think that's probably going to come in...2
Him: Maybe it's just really dark?
Me: Could be, could be.
Him: "You want your grown-up Doctor Who?"
Me: "Here's your grown-up Doctor Who! Now, stop your weeping."
Him: Ha!
Me: I think we'll have to wait until next week to find out what's really going with that, but that's not a bad position to be in. Are we going to make any noises?
I have had my solutions for a long time, but I do not yet know how I am to arrive at them.
- Karl Friedrich Gauss
Him: You have no idea how tired I am.1
Me: Right, we've just watched The Doctor's Meditation.2 I've got some thoughts, but I was wondering whether... I'm going to run a couple of things by you, okay? The Him makes a noise like a deflating tractor. As usual, you'll have to imagine..
Me: Did you recognise the castle?3
Him: No.
Me: It's Caerphilly Castle and it's been in the series a few times, as other things. So, it's not necessarily... We're still not going to find out why there's that weird POV shot at the start of The Rebel Flesh.4 Did you think it was funny?
Silence.
Me: Right. So it wasn't just a scratch and you did get bitten by that sea-badger then. Does this mean you've gone full weresea-badger now?
More of the same.
Me: Okay. The subtle use of Track 7 ('Comedy Parp Parp Ambience') filled me with hope for the series. The AAAARGH factor of Mr Gold is, I think, likely to cause me some problems again this time around. Having said that, the music's usually better in the actual episodes themselves. Because they don't tend to use stock music in those.
Him: That's not true. You still complain about the music in the episodes.
Me: Some of last year's was great.
Him: You still complained.
Me:Listenwas really good. When the music lays off it's much more effective - but I guess that's not how TV shows're made in Space Year 2015. Going on my sporadic exposure to them, anyway. Did you spot the almost-Chancellor Flavia Theme at the end? I was wondering whether, with this being the tenth anniversary of the show returning, we'll have a series that reflects that. Like with the Fiftieth. Did you notice anything about the trousers that Mr Capaldi was wearing?
Him: I chose not to comment.
Me: Okay. I thought there was an allusion to McCoy's Doctor, with the magician business - I don't think that's just down to Steven Moffat having a go at the Photoshoppery that took place with Mr Capaldi's first promo shot. Making a lady levitate while pulling hats out of rabbits-
Him: You always say that, but you didn't invent that quote.
Me: No. I don't know where I got it from though. It might've-
Him:Duckula.
Me: Was it?
Him: That's where it comes from.
Me:Seriously? I thought I'd nicked it from Neil Gaiman or something.
Him: No.
Me: Which episode?
Him: Actually, I believe it's from Danger Mouse.
Me: It probably is!
Him: I believe it's from one of the Duckula episodes of Danger Mouse. I think it's the first appearance of Duckula.
Me: Right.
Him: Before he got his groovy spin-off series.
Me: This was when he was obsessed with acting, wasn't it?
Him: He was always obsessed with acting. That was the plot of the Duckula series. We've watched it! He's trying to get on television! That's his goal!
Me: I've not seen the Duckula series.
Him: We watched a few episodes of it. Remember?
Me: Bors.
Him: Where?
Me: I'm not going to do the Duran Duran reference.
Me: Who's this person the Doctor doesn't want to go and see, d'you think?
Him: Dunno.
Me: Could it be... I don't know.
Him: Hmmmmmmm...
Me: I genuinely don't know.
Him: No, I can't think of anyone who fits that criteria.
Me: Well, other than the Master. But I think that's too obvious-
Him: No, it's not. It was very obviously the Master all of last season as well.
Me: Okay.
Him: Missy was very obviously the Master. That's why I pretended there's no-one who fits that criteria.
Me: Michelle Gomez is very good as Missy.
Him: Even if you don't think Missy was very well written or whatever it was.
Me: No, I thought Missy was written in the same voice as Moriarty from Sherlock. Talking of writing... Some of The Doctor's Meditation was really good2 - it played up to Steven Moffat's strengths: dialogue, construction and humour. Unfortunately, that's why we get the same piece of comedy parp parp music to point out when a scene's supposed to be funny. Now, Bors... I was wondering. That whole thing about him being an idiot. Now, I genuinely don't know if this is where it's going, but d'you remember last season's kind of Fourth Doctor vibe? Clara and Danny filling in for Sarah and Harry - looked like it was going to go that way, but then it didn't. Now, Bors reminded me of Harry-
Him: "-Sullivan is an imbecile."
Me: Yeah! I got that again. Wouldn't it be... Because we haven't had a companion from the past for ages - if, maybe, they went a bit Troughton with it? Bors could be the new Jamie.
Silence.
Me: There's been no announcement. The thing I did find with Bors was that while Daniel Hoffmann-Gill's performance was excellent-
Him: Yeah.
Me: - the dialogue he was given was clunky.6 And that's a shock from Steven Moffat.
Him: What Steven Moffat are you on about?
Stunned pause.
Me: Whoooooo. Are you taking a particular dangerous approach for this upcoming run of Doctor Who then?
Him: I dunno. I'm going to sleep now.
Me: And, on that bombshell...
1. Fair play, the Him had just stated that he'd be having a nap the moment before this latest piece of VAM2 cropped up in the Arctic. 2. Before you get too excited, Lady and Gent, it's worth remembering that this doesn't (and can't) count. 3. I did, but only because I saw first saw Star Wars in the cinema that used to face it. 4. Unless Steven Moffat really doesread this blog...5 5.SPOILER: He doesn't. 6.I've got a theory, but the Him avoids all spoilers5 so I can't really say it here.
7. Specifically the lack of contractions. Both the Moff and RTD're guilty of the same thing, but it only usually happens When the Dialogue Is Supposed To Be Portentous. Like the dialogue issues that helped scupper Nightmare in Silver, it looks great in type, but it's very hard for actors to deliver convincingly.
This entry was originally recorded in analogue a very long time
ago.Attempts have been made to
preserve, as closely as possible, the feel of the original recording.Because of its digital resolution, however,
the typed entry can reveal limitations of the original handwriting.
They know, they just know where to grow, how to dupe you, and how to camouflage themselves among the perfectly respectable plants, they just know, and therefore, I've concluded weeds must have brains.
- Dianne Benson
EPISODE ONE
Me:Something that I mentioned really quickly at
the end of The Web of Fear entry, so
quickly in fact that you might not have heard it, was that the start of Fury the Deep – which I shall continue
to refer to it as – the start of Fury the
Deep is an awful lot like the start of Doctor
Who and the Pescatons, in which the Doctor
and Sarah land on a beach and find that they’re being watched.The beach is deserted and there’s something
nasty in the sea, okay?Oddly enough, it
was also written by Victor Pemberton.
Him:The same guy?
Me:It is.He also wrote a radio series called ‘The Slide’-
Him:Is that the same story?
Me:It’s very similar.I’ll now back that up with a load of figures
and thoughts.
Him:Do you reckon that he hasn’t actually written
all three?Maybe he only wrote the first
one and then-
Me:Changed the names?
Him:No, no, no.Then the BBC changed the names.“We loved the story so much, we decided that we’re gonna do it again.”
Me:Ha!
Him:“Like a special edition?”
Me:“Not so much a special edition as a kind
of…This time we’re going make it into a
vinyl record.”I don’t know what accent
that was.
You’ll have to imagine.
Me:Oo, PIGS!
Pause.
Me:I’d better miss that out.
Him:Ha!Miss what out?
Me:Me just going “PIGS!” for no reason.
Him:PIGS!
Me:So…Fury the Deep and The Ambassadors of Death…Now, I know that The Ambassadors
of Death is basically Quatermass meets Doctor Who doing grit but other than
that I don’t know a huge amount about it because I’ve purposefully left…
finding out too much about it for as long as possible.It’s very much the same with Fury the Deep.I’ve tried to find…I’ve not over-researched it because I want to
watch this…I’ve never seen it.This is the last of the definite,
no-hold-barred, this-is-a-classic that I know
we’ve got left.The Ambassadors of Death’s got a good rep but I’m not sure about
that one.I’ve been looking forward to
this for a long, long, long time.I’ve
been looking forward to this one since we started.
Him:Riiiight.
Me:The Myth Makers came as a heck of a shock.I didn’t expect that was going to be as good as it was-
Him:He was sent Fury from the Deep by his past self.
Me:Yeah, yeah!‘cause he was in that as well.
Him:“Utter trash.”
Me:Ha!Well… let’s hope it’s better than ‘Eye… On Blatchford’.Shall we?Do you want to do the Countdown Dalek?We haven’t had him for a while.
Countdown Dalek:ONE!-GO!
And we’re off…
The visual noise
swirls up and about.The old wizard
crops up again, wearing Troughton’s crumpled face.The Greatest Theme in the History of Ever
does what it needs to do and then – finally – up comes the legend, ‘Fury
the Deep’.1
Me:Yay!
The camera pans down
from a large slice of grey that turns out to be the sky until it hits some
particularly gloopy sea, then it bounces back up, revealing the distant
twirling shape of the TARDIS, lowering in for a very careful landing.
The Doctor, Jamie and
Victoria disembark and row ashore in a dinghy.As they hit the beach, Victoria
begins warming her lungs up with some vowel-based complaining.Jamie proves you can’t get anything past him
by pointing out the TARDIS is still floating in the ocean.The Doctor says, to no-one’s real surprise,
that they’ve probably landed in England.
Jamie:Aye.You can tell by the weather.
Me:That’s rich!
Victoria observes it’s
always bloody Earth, and then Jamie goes one step further…
Jamie:Aye, and it’s always England.
Me:So, why’re you here?
Following this
surprisingly post-modern/meta-textual exchange3our heroes start trudging
through the shingle towards something that’s caught the Doctor’s attention:
foam.Lots of it.6
The Doctor carefully
picks up some of the strange foam –
A foam-fight breaks
out.As does the incidental music.
Me: Dudley’s back.
Him:What if it’s poisonous?
Jamie’s the first to
emerge from this Ibizan party.He spots
a pipeline further up the beach.Our
chums stop what they’re doing and stride promotionally forward.
Me:Great photo.
Him:It is.
The pipeline is –
mostly – white and covered with seaweed.It’s labelled ‘Eurosea Gas’.The
Doctor doesn’t think it’s got anything to do with the foam but decides to start
playing around with an attached control box.When he can’t kick it open, the Doctor looks around furtively, reaches into his jacket…
Me:Watch this…
…and, with no fuss at
all, pulls out what looks an awful lot like a toothbrush.
Jamie:Well, what’s that?
The Doctor:It’s a sonic screwdriver.Never fails.
Him:Aw – wow!
The sonic screwdriver,
much like Victoria,
emits a high-pitched whine.Disappointingly, rather than melt, explode or disintegrate the control
box casing, it only undoes the screws, leaving the Doctor to manually open the
lid.
The Doctor:Neat, isn’t it?All done by sound waves.7
The Doctor frootles
around in the control box.Jamie notices
a strange, rhythmic noise.The Doctor
puts it down to a pump.Victoria starts getting
twitchy and slightly paranoid.
Victoria:I feel as if we’re being watched.
And they are.Through one of those telescopic
sights that they have these days.A shot
rings out.Well, not ‘rings’ as such,
it’s more of a ‘whoosh’.The Doctor
falls to the sand as the invisible marksman also bags himself a couple of
companions.
Him:I didn’t know that this was the last one.
Some time later, our
heroes wake up on a soundstage.As is
often the case after a foam party, they can’t move, don’t know where they are,
and have silent, helmeted guards pointing guns at them.We’ve all been there.
Victoria:I…I…
Him:“…ice cream…”
A grumpy gentleman
with terrific hair strides onto the set.This is Mr Robson and he’ll be the quizmaster for the evening.
Robson:I shall expect quite a lot of answers.
Mr Harris, a gentleman
with a lab coat and a moustache, administers U4 gas to our friends.As an antidote to whatever they’ve been
spiked with, it works a charm and they’re soon up on their feet and asking
questions.
After the customary
accusations, Robson strides off to photocopy the picture round.Mr Harris explains that everyone’s a bit on
edge at the moment, what with just having lost contact with a rig and all.Refreshingly, Jamie makes no attempt to boost
the Loch Ness tourist trade at this point.
Mr Harris gossips out huge
gobbets of exposition in order that the story can get going properly.Although contact’s been lost with the rig in
question, it’s not as though this is down to it being munched.All the communication systems are still
working fine.There’s also been a drop
in pressure in the pipeline, the same pipeline that the Doctor and friends were
caught playing around with.
Jamie:Are you calling us liars?
Me:“Well, yes.”
As Mr Harris leads our
friends to their revision cubicle, a light starts flashing.This is never a good sign.
Elsewhere in the base
Mr Harris’ wife, Mrs Harris, is arguing with a jobsworth security intercom that
seems to think it’s Gandalf picking on a Balrog.Mrs Harris stares sadly through a locked
climbing frame and then heads back to the residential block.
Meanwhile, Mrs Harris’
husband is showing the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria where they’ll be
revising.Jamie immediately claims the
top bunk.The Doctor tries to tell Mr Harris
about the movement he’d heard in the pipes.Mr Harris doesn’t believe him.
The Doctor suggests
that the gas be turned off so that someone can at least check that Hookjaw, or a sea-badger or something, isn’t stuck in the pipe. Mr Harris explains that
Mr Robson is one of those bosses that prides himself on never shutting down the
flow.The sort that insist on keeping the
building open, even when there’s been so much snow that there’s no public
transport running and wolves have come down from the hills to prey on
travellers.You know the type.
The Doctor:He sounds a very silly man.
Back in the main
control, Robson’s managed to contact Rig B.
Me:“We have rising damp.”
The connection’s very
bad but the general upshot is that despite a reactor leak everyone’s fine,
they’re all fine there.How’re you?
Carney: Everything’s under control.Everything’s under control.Everything’s under control.
The connection’s lost
and Robson, being one of those
bosses, isn’t at all happy.His mood
isn’t lifted when Mr Harris suggests they shut off the gas flow to check for
sea-badgers.The pressure keeps
dropping.
Mr Harris:But, Mr Robson, please listen.This ties up with what I’ve been trying to
tell you.For three weeks now there’s
been a regular and increasing build-up and fall in pressure.Look, I think you should at least look at my
calculations.
Robson:What are you trying to prove, Harris?That I don’t know my job?
Me:I’ve worked with people like Robson.
In the background, a
gloved someone nicks Mr Harris’ calculations from his briefcase.Moments later, Mr Harris discovers the theft
and asks Robson for some time off to check he hasn’t left it at home.Robson kindly agrees.
Robson:You’d better have something more than a
high-flown theory, because if you haven’t…I’m going to take you and chop you up into little pieces and throw you
back to your crummy little university.Alright?
The Doctor, Jamie and
Victoria have decided to research lock-picking and ventilation shafts, just in
case they’re subjects that come up in the quiz.
In a corridor near the
residential block, Mr and Mrs Harris are getting their flap on.Mr Harris offers to swap his wife a backstage
pass in return for the file he’s probably left either on the fireplace, next to
the theatre tickets, or in the study.
Mrs Harris:Alright, darling.What’s the panic?
Me:“I’ll explain later.”
Mr Harris:I’ll explain later.
The Harrises break
apart and drift away in different directions.As soon as they’ve gone, Jamie lands on his head in the corridor.At that moment, Victoria passes Basic Lock-Picking and the
revision cubicle door slowly swings open.
Victoria:Told
you not to bother.
Me:Ha!
The Doctor:Sorry about that, Jamie.
Him:Is the next one The Wheel in Space?
Me: Yup.
Him:Hang on.They’re in a base and it’s under attack.And in TheWeb of Fear they were in a base under
attack.And Enemy of the World they were in a base under attack.And Tomb of the Cybermen.This is very
familiar.
Him: Yeah.In The Ice Warriors they were
in a base under atttack.Just a
coincidence, surely?
Me:Must be.And don’t call me Shirley.
Mrs Harris is looking
everywhere for the file.She even checks
under the cat.
Me:Quite nice living quarters.
Him:Yeah.In the base.
Worryingly for us, Mrs
Harris finally finds the file.There’s
something inside…She opens it and suddenly
drops it, no doubt startled by an unexpected piano sting from Dudley.
Me:Seaweed?
Him:Uuurgh.
Mrs Harris picks up
the seaweed and dumps it in the garden.In the distance a nervous cat mewls.
Back in the main
control area, the newly arrived – and gloriously named - Van Lutyens is
swapping manly barbs with Robson.Van
Lutyens represents the Dutch interest in Eurogas and is keen on worker morale,
lunch breaks, that sort of thing.Robson…Robson’s one of those type of bosses.
Robson:Let’s get one thing straight, my friend.When I need your advice-
Me:“I’ll tell you it.”
Robson strides
off.Van Lutyens waits a few moments and
then storms away in a cloud of Dutch that sounds rather rude.Our chums have been studying the scene
quietly.
There’s a call for Mr
Robson from Mr Baxter in the control rig, answered by Mr Price.Write that down in your copybook.Mr Baxter tells Robson that they’ve been
hearing weird noises, like a heartbeat.8
The Doctor tells Victoria to head back to
the revision cubicle while he takes Jamie off on a research trip.Victoria agrees, lowers her head and shuffles
sulkily off.As soon as the chaps are
out of sight, she promptly skips off in the wrong direction.
Him:Ha!
Mrs Harris is starting
to feel out of sorts.She tries calling
her husband at work.Mr Harris manages
to persuade Robson to let him call for a doctor.
In a nearby room, the
mysterious gloves from earlier are now attached to a full body.We still don’t know who the body belongs to
because of the gas mask it’s wearing.Levers are being pulled, mischief’s afoot, oxygen is being released.There’s a noise and the mysterious figure
hides behind a newspaper as Victoria
enters the room to avoid Mr Harris.Having been brought up proper, Victoria
starts tidying.She’s halfway through
closing the oxygen valves when she notices that she’s not alone.
Him:“Are you my mummy?”
The mysterious gloves,
body and gasmask rush by Victoria
before locking her in and then pressing the
drain-all-the-oxygen-from-the-room-cliffhanger switch.Putting her qualification to good use, our
plucky heroine starts picking the lock with grim determination.
The Doctor and Jamie
have found a room with a lift and an impeller (like a propeller but
different).The next room’s full of
pipes as well.There’s a beauty in the
middle – massive and transparent.
Victoria’s still stuck.She switches from lock-picking to
improvised-percussion-with-shouting but to no avail.At that moment, foam pours in through the
ventilator slats.Victoria backs to the wall.There’s something in the foam.Victoria
closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.The grill bursts open and lashing tendrils of seaweed flail about.Victoria’s eyes roll back, she rises slowly
into the air and unleashes a series of hypersonic blasts, triggering the
credits.
Me:Frazer was getting into it there.
Him: Is this Frazer then?
Me:Sigh.
EPISODE TWO
We recap; Victoria’s still
blasting away..
The Doctor and Jamie,
hands over their ears, follow the hypersonic blasts to the oxygen room.They pull open the door and…
Splurt!
…save Victoria from the lashy,
foamy, tendril-seaweed-beast-thing by pulling her into the corridor where it
isn’t.Robson, Van Lutyens and so on,
run up the corridor to see what’s causing all the racket.Victoria,
like a just-released hand operated air-raid siren, is starting to calm down.
Robson accuses Victoria of breaking the
seals and emptying the oxygen cylinders.There’s talk of the room being filled with a poisonous gas rather than
oxygen. The Doctor
draws everyone's attention to the shattered slats of the ventilation grill.
Elsewhere, Mr Harris
finds that Mrs Harris is in a bit of a befuddled state following a nasty
reaction to the seaweed from earlier.Mrs
Harris explains that she put her hand into the file…
Mrs Harris:…and then the sea…
Me:“…weed.”
Him:Ha!
Mrs Harris lies down
on the couch.Heading nervously to help
her, Mr Harris clips a now-empty bottle of gin with his foot, sending it
skittering across the floor.Next door’s
music grows louder, the insistent bass drum shaking the walls.Mrs Harris sits up in a panic as the seaweed
she dumped in the garden starts frothing mightily.
Him:You can hear that it just wants to sing.
Me:It’s certainly wandering up and down the
keyboard like a good un.
Mrs Harris lies down
again.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Me:It’s the neighbours.They’re throwing another party.
Mr Harris calms his wife and tells her that he’s met a
Doctor who might be able to help.After
he’s left, Mrs Harris stands up and walks slowly to the patio doors.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
She pulls the doors
open, yells at next door to keep it down, and then slams the door shut.The double-glazing cuts out the noise,
leaving Mrs Harris wondering what she came into the kitchen for.
Back in the impeller (like
a propeller but different) room, the Doctor, Robson, Van Lutyens and so on, are
discussing their various theories about why the pumping’s slowed down.The Doctor tries raising his
sea-badger-trapped-in-the-pipe theory.Even though Robson’s not convinced, Van Lutyens is intrigued.
Van Lutyens:What kind of movement?
Me:“MICE!”
Pause.
Him:That hurt my ears.
Robson explains that
even the slightest mechanical noise will travel along the pipe but the Doctor
continues to insist he heard something organic.
Robson:Alright then.Suppose there is something in the pipe - a fish or something - what do
you expect me to do about it?
The Doctor:Turn off the gas flow.
Robson, being one of those type of bosses, isn’t about to do
that.He wants a couple of workers sent
down to investigate.Van Lutyens feels
his morale deflating at the same rate his righteous ire is expanding.
Van Lutyens:If you allow the pressure to build up in the
pipeline, you’ll blow the whole rig sky-high.
Meanwhile, Jamie and
Victoria are attending Mr Price’s refinery lecture.
Jamie:You mean to say this place supplies all the
gas for the whole of the south of England?
Mr Price:And the whole of Wales.
Jamie manages not to
mention Scotland
here.Victoria accidentally triggers some
exposition from Mr Price: every CCTV camera in the base is represented by a
light on a board.9There’s also a plan showing where all the
rigs are. It looks like it’s been designed by whoever came up with the map of
the different zones in The War Games.10
Me: I should like a map like that
Mr Price reveals that Robson once spent four
years on a rig.
Jamie:Aye, that would account for quite a lot.
Mr Harris comes
rushing into the impeller(like a
propeller but different) room and begs the Doctor to come and take a look at
his wife.Initially, Robson has other
ideas-
Him:“You can always buy another wife.”
Me:I’ve definitely
worked with people like that.
- but eventually
agrees to give Mr Harris and the Doctor an hour off.
Mrs Harris is looking
much better.Her door-buzzer buzzes, so
she answers it.Opening the door, Mrs
Harris is greeted by two contrasting gentlemen who introduce themselves as ‘maintenance
controllers’.This is Mr Quill and Mr Oak,
and both are well-known to the Australian censors.
Me:Damn, that’s creepy.
At the same time Mrs
Harris is inviting Mr Vandemar and Mr Croup Mr Quill and Mr Oak in for
an inspection, Robson gets a message from the control rig.Although van Lutyens doesn’t think it’ll
work, Robson arranges for gas to be vented to lower the pressure.The tension builds.
Mrs Harris has another
lie down, as Mr Quill and Mr Oak fix her cooker.Something seaweedy is poking out from Mr
Oak’s sleeve…
Me:Oh, God.That’s hideous.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Having fixed the
cooker, the two ‘maintenance men’ open the patio doors, letting the foam roll
from the garden into the living room and all over the carpet.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Mrs Harris, sensing
that’s something amiss – well, seaweed fairs pongs after all – sits up.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Me:Movement…
If you don’t know what
happens next then you’re reading the wrong blog.
Iconic moment #230
Him:I love the teeth…
Me:God…
The pressure’s back to
normal.Van Lutyens admits he was
mistaken but Robson still gets a dig in.He’s that type of boss.Although
everything should be fine, Mr Price can’t contact Rig C…
Van Lutyens:So, the immediate crisis is over, ja?
The Doctor, Mr Harris,
Jamie and Victoria arrive at the Harris’s, only to find that it’s full of
gas.Jamie opens a window with his
shoulder and Mr Harris finds his wife sprawled on the floor.Victoria
starts powering up…
Robson and Van Lutyens
are having an argument.The air of the
impeller (like a prop- oh you get the idea)-The air of the impeller room slowly fills with testosterone whilst,
behind them, the impeller slows to an ominous halt.The Chief Engineer can hear something…
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Me:Oh, of course!It’s Hubert Rees.He’s in The
Seeds of Doom.
Him:Everyone’s
in The Seeds of Doom nowadays.
Me:Eh?
We’ll be seeing him
again.10In the
meantime…
Mrs Harris appears to
have fallen into a coma.Mr Harris
doubts that natural gas can be the cause, after all it’s non-toxic.
The Doctor:This isn’t natural gas.This is the gas we found when Victoria was locked in
the oxygen room.
Mr Harris:But where could it have come from?
Me:Scotch eggs?
Mr Harris retraces the
episode, and the file full of seaweed gets a mention.The Doctor dismisses it.Victoria,
primed to emit a full-beam hypersonic blast at the mention of anyone wanting a
hat like that, notices something ghastly: lurking seaweed.
Slowly, Mr Harris
works it out.The stingy seaweed…It was meant for him!
Victoria:Well, I hate the stuff.It’s so slimy
and horrid.
Van Lutyens pulls the
Chief Engineer to one side for a chat.After carefully scrutinising the plans, Van Lutyens has reached the
conclusion that the blockage must be at the base of the shaft.Someone will have to go down and free
it.The Chief Engineer requires Robson’s
approval.Then…
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
The sound’s reaching
unbearable levels now.Robson strides
in and starts a brief row.Within
seconds the whole crew are silent.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Van Lutyens: It’s down there…In the darkness.In the pipeline.Waiting…
Me:Whoah.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
The credits roll with
the beat from next door running in time to the Greatest Theme in the History of
Ever.
Me:That was ace.
EPISODE THREE
We recap; it’s still
down there…
Me:This is a Loose Cannon one.
Him:Right.
Back at the Harris’s,
the Doctor and some bits of seaweed are pre-enacting one of the best bits of Alien.
The Doctor:I’m going to take a closer look at this weed.
Using either some
tweezers, a pencil or the sonic toothbrush, the Doctor scoops up a sample and
pops it into a polythene bag.Mr Harris leaves to book a bed in the medicare centre for the still-unconscious Mrs
Harris.As the door closes, Jamie
notices a plothole.
Jamie:Hey, I thought we were supposed to be
prisoners?
Me:Ha!
After our chums leave,
Mrs Harris rolls over.There’s something
nasty sticking out from her sleeves…
Me:Urgh.
The impeller’s still
blocked.
Next Door:bom bom bo-
Silence.Maybe next door’ve gone to bed?Van Lutyens, having never been clubbing,
thinks the sound might be a heartbeat.Robson disagrees and, because he’s that type of boss, gives them half an hour to get everything working again.
Meanwhile, the Doctor,
Jamie and Victoria have found a fishtank to pop the seaweed into.Science takes place, ultimately leading to an
outbreak of toxic gas and some things that shouldn’t wriggle doing just that…
Me:Movement…
Victoria:It means, Jamie, that the weed is just as much alive as you and me.
Mr Harris is striding
purposefully down a corridor when he bumps into Robson.Harris explains he needs to book a bed for
his wife because she’s-
Robson:What’s the matter with her?She got a hangover?
The Him makes a noise.
Van Lutyens is
intrigued by the mention of toxic gas – well, you would be.Robson’s sure the Doctor and his meddling
chums have got something to do with the steadily spreading web of
intrigue.This isn’t a good point for Mr
Harris to point out the plothole that Jamie noticed earlier.The confrontation between Mr Harris and
Robson is rapidly heading towards some nasty character development when…The impeller starts moving again.
Robson:I told you it was only a mechanical fault,
didn’t I?
The impeller stops
moving again.11
Robson: You fools!You stupid fools!12
We’re totally absorbed
at this point.It really is very, very good.
Robson shouts a lot
and then storms off.
Van Lutyens:Ja!Pressure!Strain!He’s cracking up, I tell you!12
Chief Engineer:You’re not helping him, you know.
Van Lutyens:That’s not my job!I am here to give technical advice which he
ignores.Alright, he knows a lot about
engineering, but not all.And what he
does not know, is the state of mind of those men out there on the rigs.
Van Lutyens wants the
compound closed and the rigs evacuated.The Chief13points out that Robson’s not likely to let
that happen.
The Doctor, Jamie and
Victoria still haven’t named their pet seaweed.On the plus-side, the Doctor’s found a picture of the tentacled terror
that Victoria
saw in the oxygen room in a big book of sea monsters.
The Doctor:This particular drawing was supplied by
ancient mariners in the North Sea… In the
middle of the Eighteenth Century, Jamie.
Jamie:That’s my
time.
The Doctor’s certain
that there’s a connection between the Weed and the creatures.
Their pet seaweed agrees, and tries to climb
out of the fishtank to join in the conversation -
- but Victoria’s
too quick for it.She unleashes a
focused beam of pure sonic energy, forcing the Weed to retreat.
Him: Everything’s frightened of Victoria’s screams.
Me:Her Sonic Blasts?
Him:Are you trying to make it sound like she’s
got a super-power?
Me:I’ve been doing that since Tomb of the
Cybermen.
The Doctor delivers a
quick infodump to make sure that everyone’s up to speed and then orders
ethem back to the Harris’s.On the
way out he pauses…
The Doctor:Just a minute…That Weed went back in its sangria suddenly,
didn’t it?I wonder why?Never mind.
Van Lutyens, Mr Harris
and the Chief have put their case forward to Robson.He’s responded by gathering most of the
workforce together for a communal rollicking.12The sheer force of his tirade wears Robson out, so he returns to his
room for a kip.As soon as Robson flops
onto his bed there’s someone trying to open his door.
Robson:Who’s there?Go away.
Lurking outside, Mr Oak locks Robson’s door
with a key that he probably shouldn’t have.Mr Oak then proceeds to flood Robson’s room with gas.
Somehow, Robson opens
the door and runs off.Mr Harris peeks
into the room and spots something tentacular writhing in the foam that’s
spoiling yet another carpet.
Us: Whoah!
Him:Foam was a recurring theme in Patrick
Troughton’s time.
Our chums have arrived
at the Harris’s to find that no-one’s there.There’s a strange smell of gas though.Jamie heads off to the kitchen.The Doctor opens the bedroom door, only to find the room’s full of foamy
badness.Victoria fires hypersonic blasts at the
unspeakable horror until it slips off out through the window and hides in the
garden.Jamie is trapped on a table in
the kitchen, surrounded by foam.The
Doctor and Victoria climb onto the roofand
pull Jamie to safety through a skylight.14
Me:Wow…
Him:“Victorian Watercress and Her Hypersonic
Blasts.”
Me:Ha!
Harris drags Van
Lutyens to Robson’s apartment but everything looks fine now.Despite that, Van Lutyens gives him the
benefit of the doubt and puts Mr Harris in charge of the compound.
Our chums are catching
their breath.
Victoria:Doctor, why is it that we always land up in trouble?
The Doctor:Oh, Victoria,
it’s the spice of life, my dear.
Victoria:Well, I’m not so sure.I don’t
really like being scared out of my wits every second.
The Doctor:Is there something wrong?
Victoria’s head drops and she floats away slowly
down the corridor.
Jamie:What’s the matter with Victoria?
Me:"She’s being written out, Jamie."
Mr Harris has been on
the blower to his other boss, Megan Jones.She’ll be with them in about three hours.Mr Oak and Mr Quill are eavesdropping on the
exposition.
The Doctor, well aware
that it’s nearly time for the story to move up a gear, strides in and delivers
a few plot-points in order to give everyone some motivation
The Doctor: Large formations of seaweed have been coming
up on the beaches along this coast. Seaweed that shows clear indications of
having life like human beings.
There’s talk of
clearing the impeller.The Doctor tells
everyone that the seaweed – which is also parasitic - will protect itself.Hearing this, Mr Oak and Mr Quill slowly fade
into the shadows and disappear.Mr
Harris tells the Doctor that he saw one of these very things in Robson’s room
just after Robson had run off screaming.Could the two things be connected somehow?
The Doctor:Oh dear.
It’s at this moment
everyone notices that Mrs Harris has gone missing.
It turns out she’s on
location, standing on a beach, staring at the sea.She turns her head to see Robson’s also
ruining his shoes.
Mrs Harris:There is little time.You know what you must do.
Robson:Yes.
And with that, she
walks into the sea.
Me:Crikey.
With a gentle bloop,
the waves close over Mrs Harris’ head and the credits kick off.
Me:I like the way it doesn’t just crash into the
credits with a sudden close-up of the Doctor’s face or a scream or something.
Him:‘Gill.Quill.Bill.”
Me:Oh, yeah.
EPISODE FOUR
Me:We’re halfway through the final full
recon.All the rest of the stories have
at least one surviving episode now.
Him:Cool.
Me:It’s quite an achievement.Although The
Space Pirates might yet break us.Despite being written by Robert Holmes.
We recap; bloop...
Back on the base, Mr
Price isn’t having any luck getting through to any of the Rigs.
Me:There’s WOTAN again, muttering away in the
background.
The Chief’s men are
slowly losing their morale.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Me:Bang on the wall.
Victoria and Jamie are
catching up on some rest in the revision cubicle.Well, Jamie is anyway.Victoria’s taking to floating up and down,
chewing her hair and fingernails at the same time.
The Doctor comes in and they
have the ‘So, You’ve Decided You No Longer Want To Be A Companion’ chat.
Me: And Victoria
delivers the reverse of that Tomb of the
Cybermen speech.
Having searched the
base top to bottom and found no sign of his wife, Mr Harris decides to look
through the rest of Britain,
starting with the beach.The first thing
he finds is Robson.
Mr Harris:Have you seen my wife at all?
Robson:You’ll find her, Mr Harris.Very soon.
And with that, Robson
wanders off.
Van Lutyens, fed up
with all the procrastinating, has decided to go down and have a look at what’s
clogging up the impeller for himself.12
Me: Would you
go?
Him:No.
Van Lutyens slaps on a gasmask, enters the lift and drops
away down the shaft.Reaching the
bottom, he steps off and locates an access hatch.Van Lutyens pops his torch on the floor, crouches
down and opens the hatch.Looking in, he
sees…
Me:Movement.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Something twitches in
the dark water, foam begins spewing upwards and –
Him:Urgh.
- Van Lutyens is
pulled under.
Him:Whoah…
The Him makes chomping
noises.
Van Lutyens’ scream
echoes up the shaft.The lift is
recalled and found to be empty.The
Doctor grabs a gasmask and declares it’s time they went after him
Jamie:Oh no, we’re not.
The Doctor:Jamie, you wouldn’t let me go down there on
my own now, would you?
Jamie:Well…No.
Hearing this, Victoria loses control,
her normally unflappable exterior shatters and she starts flipping out.
Mr Harris, having
searched all of Britain, returns to the base.
Mr Harris:Where’s Mr Van Lutyens?
Mr Price:In the impeller area I think, sir.
Me:“Mostly…”
Mr Harris arrives just
after the Doctor and Jamie have been lowered down the shaft (by Mr Oak and Mr Quill
in case you were wondering).Victoria’s really
powering up for a full-on hypersonic spray.
The Doctor and Jamie
find Van Lutyens’ torch…
Back upstairs, Miss Jones
and her dogsbody Perkins have arrived.
Victoria’s floating
around the impeller room, wringing her hands.The Chief and Mr Harris make sure Miss Jones has signed the visitor’s
book and bring her up to speed with the current situation.Miss Jones, to be fair, isn’t impressed.She insists they contact the rigs personally,
giving her permission for the company helicopter to be brought out of the
mothball cupboard.
Downstairs, the Doctor
and Jamie are having a grim time.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Me:Movement!
Him:I see it.
As the foam starts to foam once more, the Doctor and Jamie
bravely run away.
Me:Movement!
Dodging the grabby
tentacles, our heroes climb a nearby escape ladder back to the impeller room.They’re quite surprised to find that it’s
empty.
Jamie:Where’s Victoria?
The Doctor and Jamie
split up to look for clues.
Mr Harris is
attempting to cajole Miss Jones into bombing the rigs, when Robson runs in, has
a quick shout-
Robson:Can’t you see?They’re getting at me!Those rigs…They’re mine!I built them!My own flesh and blood!They’re mine!THEY’RE MY LIFE!They want to
destroy everything…They think in that
way they can destroy me…We won’t allow…
- and passes out on
the floor.12
The Doctor turns up
and delivers the bad news about Van Lutyens and the bottom of the impeller
shaft.And that’s not all…
The Doctor:I’m afraid that Mr Robson is being controlled
by some force that emanates from this weed.
Pause.
Miss Jones:That’s incredible.
Suddenly, there’s a
call from Mr Baxter – remember him?
Mr Baxter:Get us out of here!
The call’s abruptly
disconnected by some very rude seaweed.
Jamie finally finds
Victoria, slumped next to that huge (beautiful) pipe mentioned earlier.
Jamie:No, you can’t be dead.
Victoria:Jamie, I didn’t know you cared.
Jamie: Victoria Waterfield!You tricked me.That’s not fair.
Victoria pins the blame firmly on Mr Oak and Mr
Quill.She’s really getting ready to
give back her Companion Handbook.15
Victoria:Oh, Jamie.Why are we always
getting into trouble like this?It’s the
same everywhere we go.
Jamie hasn’t got a
clue what she’s going on about.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Jamie and Victoria
suddenly notice that the transparent pipe is full of something that looks like
a cross between one of Lovecraft’s ickier nightmares and a saag paneer.
The Doctor’s worked it
out.The seaweed’s first going to
colonise the rigs, then move onto Britain and then the whole
planet.As three-stage world-domination
plans go, at least it’s got realistic targets.Who’d have thought that kelp could be better at strategic reasoning than
Cybermen?
Jamie and Victoria
rush in and warn everyone that there’s something nasty in the plumbing.The pipe starts to crack.
The Doctor:It’s begun.The battle of the giants!
Who cares what that
actually means, let’s have some credits, shall we?
EPISODE FIVE
We recap; one of the
giants is still having a go at the cracked pipe.
Mr Price still can’t
get in touch with any of the rigs.Miss
Jones is particularly concerned about Rig B.16By
this point the base is well and truly under siege, so the Doctor takes the
opportunity to pad out the episode wonder about the Weed’s origins.17The
trail of loathsome slime soon leads the Doctor back to the conclusion that pure
oxygen’ll be toxic for the Weed.
Miss Jones demands to
speak to Robson. Perkins and Mr Harris tag along.Leaving the lads to keep Robson’s guard
company, Miss Jones slips into Robson’s room alone.Robson’s lying on his bed, staring at the
ceiling.Miss Jones tries reasoning with
Robson in a slightly more-pronounced Welsh accent.When that has no effect, she starts pulling
rank.Nothing seems to work.Sadly, Miss Jones leaves the room and rejoins
the boys.She’s set upon a course of
action.
Miss Jones: As far as I can see, the only thing we can do
is destroy this Weed.
The Doctor is deep in
thought.
Jamie:He does look worried this time.It’s beginning to give me the willies.
The Doctor’s convinced
the Weed’ll strike very soon, so it might be an idea to launch a preemptive
attack on its headquarters.Wherever
that might be.The oxygen’s definitely
important but there’s something else he can’t quite put his finger on…
Robson’s just dropping
off when-
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
Me:Movement!
Him:I see the movement.Too scary for Australia?
Me:Exactly.
Having overpowered his
guard, Robson and his weedy cuffs slosh off down the corridor.
Elsewhere, Mr Harris
has bad news.All the oxygen reserves
have been destroyed.This can only mean
one thing.
The Doctor: Yes.I
was right.Someone amongst us here is
under control of the Weed.
Him:“Everyone roll up your sleeves.”
Having seen John
Carpenter’s The Thing – it’s the future, after all – Mr Oak and Mr Quill make a
dash for it.Jamie catches Mr Quill but
Mr Oak escapes.Mr Quill turns to face
Jamie and slowly opens his mouth.Jamie
nuts him.
Jamie: Stitch that.
Our chums gather
around the cracked pipe.
The Doctor: Yes, that is a large one.
News comes through
that Robson’s escaped and then-The pipe
shatters and fear-filled foam floods in!
Me:Movement!There it is!
Somehow Victoria gets lost in
the confused stampede for an exit.
Jamie:I thought she was with you!
The Doctor:No!
Outside the base,
Robson drives off with the unconscious Victoria
he’s stolen, the sound of alarms echo along the seafront.
Mr Harris:Guards!You must find Mr Robson!Search
everywhere!
Robson transfers Victoria to the recently
de-mothballed company helicopter in a scene that was a) slightly too much for
the Australian censors, and b) slightly too stimulating for Dudley Simpson.
Me:Movement!
Mr Harris tells the
Doctor about Robson’s chopper.The
Doctor tries phoning it.
Him:Mooooooovement…
The Doctor:Robson!Come back, man!Come back!
Robson:I have the girl.She’s my prisoner.She’s my hostage.You understand?If you want her to live, come over to
us.Come over to us.
Robson hangs up.Despite Miss Jones’ protestations, the Doctor
and Jamie arrange to borrow a company helicopter.Off they go…
Me:It’s a helicopter chase.
Him:Yup.In noises.
Me:And pictures.
Him:But not much movement.
Me:No.
Robson lands on the control rig complex.Minutes later, the Doctor and Jamie
arrive.They clamber down a rope-ladder and
into the foam covering the platform.Their
helicopter rises and begins circling the structure, as they make their way
inside.It seems to be deserted.
Slowly, our heroes move deeper into the rig.In the distance, Victoria bellows.The Doctor grabs Jamie.
Jamie:Oh, I see.You think it might be a trap?
The Doctor:It might be.Let’s be cautious just in case, eh?
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
The Doctor pulls open
the door at the end of the corridor.The
room’s in total darkness.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
The Doctor turns on
the light, and is confronted with a nightmarish vision.
Me:Whoah…
The final notes echo
into the credits.
Me:That was…Ummm…
EPISODE SIX
Voice of God:And here’s the sixth and final episode of the
Doctor Who adventure, Fury from the Deep.
Me:Oo.
We recap; it’s still
looking scary.
Robson:Come in, Doctor.We’ve been waiting for you.
Me:Two stories on the trot featuring soft-spoken
possession.
Jamie manages to get Victoria free.She lets fly with a series of escalating hypersonic
blasts, the final one blows Robson back into the far wall.Our heroes grab the opportunity and leave.
Next Door:bom bom bom bom bom bom
The Doctor bundles his
young chums into Robson’s abandoned chopper, which he then proceeds to
steal.As they rise higher into the air,
the Doctor largely blames Astrid for teaching him how to fly a helicopter.It’s a lovely touch.
The Doctor:It’s a very primitive machine, you know.It should be easy to control.
Me:So – that must’ve looked pretty good.
At this point the
telesnap does a 360° turn.
Me:I guess – nah.Surely not.
The
other helicopter pilot gets in touch and starts telling the Doctor what to do.
The Other Helicopter
Pilot:Not too much, not too
much.Try and keep the nose on the
horizon.That’s better.
Miss Jones gets
Perkins to arrange for lots and lots of oxygen to be sent up from London.The Doctor strides in, looking rather pleased
with himself.It seems that Mr Quill’s
almost over his whole being-possessed-by-seaweed problem.
The Doctor:He’s bemused.He’s dazed.
Me:“Dazed and bemused.”
Mr Harris is still
baffled.He wants to know what killed
the Weed.
The Doctor:Noise!Sound vibrations!
Me:“Your hypersonic blasts, Victoria.”
The Doctor’s got a
plan.Now that he’s worked out the
Weed’s nerve centre is situated at the control rig, they can attack it directly through
the pipeline.
The Doctor:Well, if we can boost this equipment to
send enough sound down the pipeline, we can destroy the Weed’s nerve centre.
See?
The Doctor grabs a
tape recorder and asks Victoria
to scream.
Victoria:Scream?
Speakers are affixed
to the pipes.Unfortunately this is the
moment that Victoria
chooses to reveal that she has crippling performance anxiety.
Victoria:I can’t.It’s silly.
The
Weed crashes in for its final attack.Surprising herself as much as anyone else, Victoria lets fly with a
hypersonic blast that could melt concrete.
Later.Everyone (yes, everyone) is having a slap-up
dinner at the Harris’s.Victoria announces that
she doesn’t want to leave.
Me:Oh dear.
The Doctor:You mean you want to stay here and settle
down, hmmmm?
Me:“You’ve no documents, no money and the world
won’t make any sense.I’m sure you’ll be
fine.”
Him:She’s staying with Mrs Harris.
Me: But for how long?How long?
Him:Never mind, Jamie, I’m sure there’ll be other
pretty girls.
Me: It’s almost as certain as fanwhine and
everyone pretending to be surprised when the Daleks return.18
Following a touching
scene between Jamie and Victoria, it’s time to go.The Doctor and Jamie paddle out to the
TARDIS.
Jamie watches Victoria wave goodbye on
the scanner.He’s quite upset.
The Doctor:I was fond of her too, Jamie.
Me:Jamie was in love.
Him:Aw.
They’re off.
Victoria watches, tears in her eyes, as the
TARDIS rises into the credits.
Me: Bit of a landmark.
Him:Uh-huh.
Me:Thoughts?
Him:At least Jamie’ll not remember Victoria.
Following the credits,
this happens:
Voice of God:Next week, a new adventure, this time in
space.A giant wheel in space and
mysterious troubles.Strange eggs that
hatch out to…What?
Pause.
It looks as though the Doctor’s old enemies the Cybermen are
involved in taking over the Wheel for their own evil purposes.Doctor Who begins a new adventure on The Wheel in Space, next Saturday.18
Me:That reminds me of something…19
Him: I forgot the Cybermen were in that one.And they look different. Again.
Me:Talking of Wheel in Space trailers…20
Next: The Space Wheel
1.For the full story, click here and then
scroll right way the way down, until you hit mantle.2
2.It’s a feeble geology analogy, as well you
know, so just leave Clive out of it.
3.Seeing as we’re disguised as a Doctor Who
blog, we’re obliged to make this sort of tedious chin-stroking observation
every couple of thousand words.It’s a
tradition4
4.Or an old charter.5
5.Or something.
6.Hopefully BBC foam wasn’t the same dead-gravy brown as the stuff that
used to cling to the legs of unwary paddlers on the beach that I (occasionally)
grew up near.For a while there was a
rumour it was the ‘second most polluted beach in Europe’.I suppose silver’s better than bronze. 7.This is where we’re supposed to put the obligatory section complaining
about how the sonic screwdriver’s subsequently become nothing more than a magic
wand for lazy writers.It’s a tradition.4
8.If you ask me, all the clues thus far are
pointing to a badly soundproofed nightclub.Sounds like a job for Environmental Health.
9.You’re far too young to have seen The Beast
Must Die, but there’s a similar plot-point in that, along with some notable Who
alumni.
10.This’ll make sense in about eight stories
time.
11.I can’t help be reminded of a Richard Dreyfus
anecdote about the making of Jaws during this scene.“The shark is working.Repeat, the shark is work-The shark has stopped working.Repeat, the shark has stopped working.”
12.He’s that
type of boss.
13.See?Jaws.
14.Seriously.If any story does manage to burrow out of the BBC Canteen and escape, I
really hope it’s this one.Or Power of the Daleks.Or The
Myth Makers.5
15.She’ll get to retain the badge and decoder
book at least.‘Yours to keep, whatever
you decide’ as it says in the welcome pack’s small print.
16.Not really, I just wanted to get another
Rising Damp reference in.
17.Yeah, yeah, ‘The Slide’.I’m sticking with Lovecraft, myself.
18.BBC
(“licence-fee payers already enjoyed the chance to watch the programmes in the
late 60s”) Worldwide leaking spoilers, of course.You’d think they were run by the Flood.14
