The notion of these two brilliant and spectacularly successful
monomaniacal over-achievers existing simultaneously like some Good
Twin/Evil Twin duality, watching each other ascend to dominance as
living iconic images, then "meeting" in a David-Goliath match playing on
movie screens internationally... you couldn't pitch that story line
to Hollywood even as an X-Men flick.
Me: Oo – it’s a trailer…
The Doctor, looking
crumpled and windswept, appears to be on holiday.
The Doctor: I don’t think I like the look of this. Let’s go.
Victoria: Why?
What’s the matter?
The Doctor: Come on… Run.
Don’t argue! Run!
 |
| Doctor Who and the Confusion of the Sixties |
Voice of God: Next week, the TARDIS lands on a sunny
beach. But where is it?
Me: Rhyl.
Voice of God: And why is the reception so unfriendly?
Me: It’s Rhyl.
Gunshots: ptchoo spwiing
Him: “And then… everyone dies.”
Victoria:
Why does he want to hurt us?1
The Doctor: Why indeed?
Victoria: Can’t we go back to the TARDIS?
The Doctor: No we’ll never make it.
The Massive Chopper: whoosh whooshy whoosh
Jamie: What is it, Doctor?
Victoria:
I‘m frightened!
Cover of the
Unreleased David Whitaker Target Novelisation: Over here!
Run!
Victoria:
I can’t! I can’t!
The Doctor: You must!
It’s our only chance!
 |
Cover of the
Unreleased David Whitaker Target Novelisation: FLEEEEEE!1
|
The camera zooms in on
each of our chum’s faces in turn, followed by a zoom out on a snap of the
Massive Chopper.2
Massive Chopper: whooshy whooshy whoosh
Voice of God: Why has this strange woman rescued them?
Me: I’ve no idea.
Voice of God: “Dr3 Who
and3 the Enemy of the World” begins…
Umm… Next Saturday!
Or thereabouts.
The fading sounds of
the Massive Chopper bring us to a shuddering conclusion.
For now…7
EPISODE ONE
Go!
Me: Guess who directed this.
Him: David Whitaker?
Me: No, he wrote it.
Him: Maybe he directed it as- Was it you? Did you direct this? Because that’d be awesome.
Me: It wasn’t me.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Him: Was it someone who sounds like you?
Me: In what way?
Him: Your voice.
Me: Not… really.
Anyway, the TARDIS has
landed on a beach - sand stretch far away.
It could be anywhere. Cornwall? Cromer?
Rhyl?
 |
| “Golden, sun-kissed sand dunes” just out of shot. |
Mr Hines: With that, he runs down to the seashore for a
paddle.
Him: Ha!
Okay, this is good.
The Doctor: See if there’s any buckets and spades in the
TARDIS!
Jamie: ‘Buckets and spades’? Is he going to dig for worms?
Him: Why worms?
All Jamie’s thoughts
of lunch fade away as the Three Stooges’ hovercraft – ummm – hoves into view further down the beach. The Doctor spots the hovercraft, waves
cheerfully and gets back to the serious business of provoking jellyfish.
Anton, the Stooge
standing next to the hovercraft asks the Stooge inside (Rod) for some
binoculars. He’s probably got an
Australian accent.
 |
| Mr Hines: The binoculars offer a much clearer view of the Doctor. |
Me: Frazer’s enjoying this.
Anton appears to
recognise the Doctor. Very strange. The final Stooge, Curly, pokes his head out
of the hovercraft’s window. Anton hops
in and they prepare to get a closer look.
The Doctor meanwhile,
is re-enacting his The Prisoner dream
sequence as seen in The Space Museum. Say you what like about these old stories,
they knew how to keep an eye on the continuity back then.4
The Stooges make a
call. It’s answered by the lady who
would’ve appeared on the cover of the unreleased David Whitaker Target novelisation. We’ll call her Astrid.5
Anton tells Astrid
they’ve made a surprise discovery.
Anton: It’s Him alright.
Me: Not
you.
The Him looks
disgruntled, but it’s for his own good.
He’s not imaginary, and he’s just going to have to come to terms with
that.6
Astrid tells Anton to
wait until she’s consulted with her Watcher, but the headstrong young Stooge
declares he’s going ahead with whatever it is he’s going ahead with hangs up
and cracks open the hovercraft’s gun cabinet.
The music goes unexpectedly giant monster all of a sudden.
Astrid’s contacted
Giles – he wants the Stooges stopped.
Astrid leaves to do so.
Back on the beach, the
Doctor gets his clothes back on. Jamie
and Victoria sulkily watch. None of them
have ice-cream.
The Stooge’s hovercraft
hoves ominously closer.
The Doctor: I don’t think I like the look of this. Let’s go.
Victoria:
Why? What’s the matter?
The Doctor: Come on… Run.
Don’t argue! Run!
The music goes mad as our
heroes are shot at by the Three Stooges.
Gunshots: ptchoo spwiing
Our heroes take cover
in the dunes.
Victoria:
Why do they want to hurt us?
The Doctor: Why indeed?
Victoria: Can’t we go back to the TARDIS?
The Doctor: No we’ll never make it.
Victoria:
Perhaps we’ve landed in a world of Mad
Men.7
The Doctor: They’re human beings, if that’s what you
mean.
Him: They might
not be human beings. They might be
Lumarians.
Me: Keeping the tenuous Ian Marter link going
there, good job.
That’s pretty vague,
even for us.
The Stooges have left
the hovercraft and begin a deadly game of cat and mouse with our chums. The music takes this literally and goes a bit
Tom and Jerry – but not in a Murray (“Itsa me!”) Gold
way, thankfully.
Curly corners our heroes
and gets lamped by Jamie – to Victoria’s
delight. Suddenly…
The Massive Chopper: whoosh whooshy whoosh
Jamie: What is it, Doctor?
Victoria:
I‘m frightened!
The Massive Chopper lands
in the dunes and Astrid bounds out.
Me: This is alright
Him: Uh-huh.
Astrid: Over here!
Run!
Victoria:
I can’t! I can’t!
The Doctor: You must!
It’s our only chance!
Astrid: Hurry!
The Doctor: Come
on!
The camera zooms in on
each of our chum’s faces in turn, followed by a zoom out on a snap of the
Massive Chopper.2
Massive Chopper: whooshy whooshy whoosh
The remaining Stooges
continue shooting at the departing chopper.
Inside the cockpit, Astrid struggles with the controls.
Him: Astrid.
Me: Yup.
Victoria clings to Jamie.
Jamie: But, what is this thing, Doctor?
The Doctor: It’s a helicopter, Jamie.
Jamie: Huh?
The Doctor: A chopper.2
The escape banter
continues. Astrid announces they there’s
a bullet hole in the fuel tank and they might explode at any moment. Far beneath them the hovercraft keeps up the
chase for as long as it can.
Astrid, who has either
been shot or pulled a muscle, lands the Massive Chopper next to a bungalow.
Me: We’re just taking it for granted, but that
was a scene in Sixties Doctor Who
that was made up of a helicopter chasing a hovercraft. On location.
Our heroes help Astrid
limp back onto the set. The Doctor sends
Jamie off to find a first aid kit, and lowers Astrid onto a chair or something.
Mr Hines: He sits beside her and tears the sleeve of
her blouse-
The Doctor: Oh, yes…2
Mr Hines: -to reveal an open wound.
The Doctor and Astrid
enter a verbal dance that’s not dissimilar to speed-dating, I imagine. Jamie returns from the kitchen.
Astrid: Do you know how to use those things?
Jamie: Oh, don’t you worry. The Doctor’ll fix you up just fine.
After the mandatory
“doesn’t mean it’s a medical title”, Astrid starts listing different PHD
courses.
The Doctor: Which law?
Whose philosophies, eh?
Astrid gives up with a
grin and introductions are made.
Finally, we start getting somewhere.
Astrid explains that the Three Stooges assassination attempt was aimed
solely at our favourite cosmic hobo.8
She then starts outlining the spheres of
opinion that surround the personified political Marmite that people keep
mistaking the Doctor for.
Astrid: Will you do something for me?
Me: “Will you sign this?”
Astrid: It’ll probably cost you your life.
Him: Ha!
Astrid wants the
Doctor to come and meet Giles Kent – the Watcher we saw earlier – and he’ll
answer questions. After a pause, the
Doctor declines. Before he can leave the
set, Astrid starts spewing exposition all over it.
Astrid: You resemble, very closely, a man who’s
determined to be Dictator of the World.9
A man who will stop at nothing.9
Victoria reminds us she’s stuck in the past10 as
Astrid names the Monster of the Week…
Astrid: Salamander.
The musical sting that
underscores this moment appears to be missing.
I do hope it’s restored when the DVD finally escapes…7
Meanwhile, Anton and
the other Stooges park their hovercraft on the film outside.
Me: It’s certainly non-stop.
Him: Uh-huh.
Our heroes hide. Rod rushes on the set, only to be grabbed by
Astrid. She throws him across the set
and drives a stake into his black heart.
Mr Hines: Rod falls to the floor – dead - as Anton and
Curly burst through the front door.
Him: ‘Curly’?
There’s some aimless
shooting through a window from the remaining Stooges as our heroes hide behind
the other side of the bungalow. Totally
outwitted, the Stooges steal the Massive Chopper instead -
Massive Chopper: KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
- which
explodes.
Me: Blimey!
The Amazing Criswell: In the future, friends, all vehicle security
will be like this, in the future.7
Mr Hines: Astrid takes the Doctor and his companions to
Giles Kent’s
office.
The Watcher is
astounded at the Doctor’s likeness to Salamander. The possibilities for mischief are
endless. Nowadays, it’d be Salamander
charging a fortune for personal appearances at Conventions, but this was the
Sixties when anything was possible and the air smelled funny.
Me: This isn’t really like Doctor Who.
Him: No.
Continuing a running
gag, the Doctor explains the weird gaps in their knowledge of current affairs
with a punny allusion:
The Doctor: ‘On ice’,
shall we say?
There are two things
to mention quickly here. Firstly, as
running gags go, this is pretty unsuccessful – it’s twisted its ankle in a
rabbit hole and been humanely destroyed long before the series jumps to colour;
secondly, if a similar scene was shot today, comedy parp-parp music would be slathered loudly in the foreground to prevent ‘content users’ experiencing a‘cross-message dissonance resulting in disincentivisation and an ultimate disengagement with product content’, ‘selecting discomparitive platforms more in line with target demogragaphics’ as a result.11
Him: That wasn’t the Doctor’s double. The Reign
of Terror.
Giles turns on the
video-wall and pops on one of Salamander’ speech so we can see what all the
fuss is about.
 |
| Iconic Moment #193 |
Me: Arc of Infinity. Meglos.
It’s a clever way of
covering a lot of back-story. Using a
massive mirror (or something) Salamander is able to make the sun shine in
specific bits of the world for crop harvests, quality holidays and so on. Basically, he’s a young Mr Burns. The underlying ecological message from the
last story carries through again. There
must’ve been something in the (funny-smelling) air.
Me: The Ganger two-parter. Journey’s
End. The Android Invasion.
Ummm… You could probably argue
that The Enemy Within is mostly
comprised of someone pretending to be
the Doctor, if you were being really mean.
Or it counted… Probably not
arguable as a double story though.
What’s happening in Oz?
The Doctor and
Victoria are quite taken with the speech, amongst other things. Giles explains that most of the world thinks
he’s their saviour. Jamie’s also spotted
the underlying ecological message from the last story, but as he’s just filling
in time until the rubber jumpsuit gets pulled from the cupboard, the Doctor
skates over this. Giles starts on his
pet conspiracy theory – that his old boss is actually trying to take over
everything by stealth. The Doctor comes
to Salamander’s defence. Giles says he
has proof and produces…
Him: It’s a Wii remote!
The video-wall begins
showing a slideshow of oddly familiar faces.
All these people worked with Salamander, but now...
Me: That’s David Whitaker! And Peter Bryant. I think.11
Giles’ replacement has
now become Salamander’s security chief.
With the world’s media drinking from Salamander’s hands, there’s nowhere
sane that’ll run with Giles’ accusations.
Remember, this is pre-internet.
There’s one person, Denes,
who might not yet have turned totally to the dark side – which sets up later
episodes quite nicely.
Astrid suggests that the
Doctor has a go at impersonating Salamander.
The Doctor: Yes, I thought that’s what we were leading up
to… What about the voice?
This bit’s
excellent. Well, to be fair, Troughton’s
onscreen so how could it not be?
The Doctor: Only
the accent? My dear young lady! Oh dear…
Now, what was it he said? “We
steel - cannot guarantee - good zummar ‘olidayz far ar… Garrantee…” No… no…
“Garr. An. Tee.” See?
It’s very difficult.
Mmmmmmmm. ‘course, I always was interested in phonetics… “’olidayz… Zummer…
Zummer…” He must’ve come from Mexico - Quintana
Roo, Yucatan or
somewhere-
Me: Ha! Go
on.
Scheming begins.
Wii Remote: boop boop
Giles answers the
phone, listens and replaces it gently. He
asks the Doctor how long he thinks it would take to master Salamander’s
unconvincing accent convincingly. The
Doctor says three weeks. Giles tells the
Doctor that the new security chief, Donald Bruce has cordoned off the entire
area, so his rehearsal time is nearer two minutes.
Me: Ha!
 |
| Definitely something in the air. |
The Doctor tries to
refuse, but Giles points out that just by looking like Salamander he’ll probably be arrested for impersonation. He opens the cupboard door. Rubber suits flutter at the sudden inrush of
pungent air. The Doctor twigs that he’s
been set up by someone who may well be a bit too keen on conspiracy theories,
but it’s too late to argue. With the
Doctor getting changed, everyone turns to the other door. It opens to reveal an armed security guard.
Mr Hines: A tall, thick-set man with glasses steps past
him.
Me: Is that Reuben?
Him: ‘Reuben’?
Me: Reuben the Rutan. From Horror
of Fang Rock.
It is, sort of. It’s Colin Douglas playing Donald Bruce,
Salamander’s security chief.
Bruce: Hello.
Kent.
Bruce runs through a
list of everything that’s happened so far – to give Troughton the chance to get
changed, I guess. The air thickens even
more, tension adding to the atomic weight of the perfumed oxygen mix. Suddenly, the cupboard door opens. Bruce is baffled as someone emerges - but who? Who?
Credits roll.
Him: Where’s the Doctor?
Me: That was alright.
Him: It was, wasn’t it?
EPISODE TWO
We’re off and singing
along to the Greatest Theme in the History of Forever.
Him: The background looks like trilobites.
We recap.
Bruce: I was under the impression you were in the
Central European Zone, Leader.
‘Salamander’ blusters
desperately.
Me: “Ah shall egzplane layter.”
Bruce tries an easier
tack, he turns to Astrid the Stooge Slayer and asks where the body in her
bungalow came from. She says he was
protecting her from the murderous advances of his fellow Stooges.
Bruce: Now, why would they want to do that to a nice
young girl like you?
Me: “They’ve met me.”
Giles hops in and
takes the blame. ‘Salamander’ joins in,
muddying Bruce’s waters further.
‘Salamander’: Zey av eenformashun. Ah shall get eet.
Him: “By ‘ook or by crook!”
Me: Oh, very good.
‘Salamander’ dismisses
Bruce. Disgruntled, Bruce gives Jamie a
quick “watch your step” and huffs out.
As the door closes our heroes relax and the Doctor stops putting on an
outrageous accent. For now.
Astrid: That was a dangerous game to play.
Me: “Mexican roulette.”
Him: Ha!
Astrid and Giles
attempt to persuade the Doctor to join them.
Jamie agrees – Astrid is very pretty
after all. Scheming begins – Astrid,
Jamie and Victoria will go one way and the Doctor and Giles another.
After the adverts, we
visit a research base.
Mr Hines: Inside, a thin, agitated-look man joins Donald
Bruce in an office.
Me: Oh!
Him: Who’s he?
Me: It’s Benik.
As seen during invasions of androids and time. He’s playing Milton Johns.
Milton Johns’ been
left in charge of the research base whilst Salamander’s off
globe-bothering. Milton Johns and Bruce
shout exposition at each other. When
Bruce huffs out, Milton Johns leaves a message on Salamander’s answer-phone and
then stares at the leader’s photograph that decorates his otherwise sparse
desk.
Him: It’s not a great picture to have on your
desk.
Me: Rather than the wife and kids?
Elsewhere, Salamander
is having a battle of accents with flunkies Denes and Fedorin.
Me: Patrick Troughton actually looks different.
Him: Yeah – unlike the Abbot. That was just William Hartnell in a cloak.
Me: Different performance too.
Him: Same voice
Me: Grumpier?
Him: He was pretty grumpy anyway. Actually – I always remembered Patrick Troughton
as being the grumpy Doctor.
Me: And now?
Him: He’s still pretty grumpy.
Me: Hmmm…
Salamander’s managed
to build the type of solid reputation for accurately predicting natural
disasters that the Today programme
sports monkeys would give their left arms for.
Me: For some reason Patrick Troughton’s performance
reminds me of Bruce Campbell.
Salamander is
interrupted mid-bellow by his gorgeous assistant Fariah – it seems he’s got a
message. Denes leaves, Fedorin doesn’t.
Elsewhere…
Mr Hines: Jamie and Victoria are sat on a park bench-
Me: “-in a set painted to look like a small
public garden.”
 |
| Astrid and her bouffant arrive. |
Him: Didn’t you used to have hair like that?
Me: Never.
Him: Do you want-?
Me: Nope.
Jamie gets sent on his
mission. Astrid tries to contact someone
but the sunspots are playing merry hell with the connection. Astrid updates the Doctor and the Watcher
through the sun wibbling. He mishears
the arranged meeting place location.
Rather than ‘disused jetty’ it’s…
The Doctor: ‘Disused yeti?’
Me: Ha!
Next story.4
Fedorin’s having a
nervous drink with Fariah. She tells him
she’s Salamander’s food taster at which he nearly chokes on the wine. Salamander turns up with a guard. Suddenly, Jamie hops over the wall and knocks
out the guard and then aims his gun at everyone on the balcony.
Me: What?
Jamie makes everyone
back against the wall, before picking up the communication box that’s on the
table and…
Mr Hines: He
pitches the box over the side of the terrace…
Jamie: Get down!
Mr Hines: Nearby, Astrid triggers a detonator. There is a huge explosion.
Me: “Which wakes the orchestra.”
Jamie and Salamander exchange
pleasantries, Jamie soon wins him over.
Salamander offers to employ Jamie and Victoria.
Jamie: I’ll say this though; your security system’s rotten.
Him: Ha!
Salamander tells
Fariah to get Jamie some proper clothes and get rid of his skirt.
Me: Ha!
Fariah leads Jamie
away – he doesn’t complain.
Me: Meanwhile, on the set.
Victoria and Astrid
are sat on the bench. According to the
orchestra, Mothra is trashing everything just out of shot. Jamie joins the ladies and tells them the
plan’s worked. Astrid slips off as
Fariah (and guards) arrive.
 | |
| Fariah. A lady. |
Him: Is she
the new Barbara?
Me: No.
Him: You sure?
Me: Yeah.
Fariah introduces
herself and offers Victoria
a job in the kitchen.
Elsewhere, Astrid
makes her way to the crumpled remains of a disused yeti. Denes meets her there and they remind the
audience what’s been going on.
Salamander has accused
Fedorin of all sorts of iniquities. The
bearded gentleman’s terrified.
Salamander tells Fedorin that he will replace Denes as Zone leader, just
before the Zone undergoes a terrifying disaster. Also, using his amazing powers of
precognition, Salamander predicts that Denes will be assassinated in mysterious
circumstances just as soon as he can get around to finalising the necessary
paperwork.
The terrace vibrates
gently. Salamander points out the
terrible damage caused by Mothra the distant volcano.
Him: Volcano!
Bruce arrives and they
watch as trees and buildings are swept away.
Denes runs straight into Salamander’s prediction.
Me: They’re watching Inferno.
Him: Not yet.
Give it a month.
Fedorin turns his back
on Denes and the credits fly.
Him: Hang on…
Me: Yeah?
Him: Is this not three hours long?
Me: Not quite.
Credits: Directed by Barry Letts.
Him: I’ve heard of him. Isn’t he the producer?
Me: Yeah…?
Him: Of the…
Jon Pertwee stuff?
Me: Yup.
Well done.
EPISODE THREE
Me: This’ll actually make sense now.
Him: I know.
I think we watched this when I was younger and I just thought it was the
Doctor being weird.
Me: Movement!
Denes remains defiant
despite everything – he’s still under the impression he’ll be getting the
chance to defend himself in court. Salamander
slithers away with the spineless Fedorin flapping behind him.
Me: Troughton’s ace.
Salamander locks the
file of Fedorin’s indiscretions away in the most insecure wall-safe
imaginable. He hands the shivering
Fedorin a small box, filled with career advancement possibilities.
Fedorin: Poison…?
Elsewhere, Bruce is asking possibly the only question worth asking…
Elsewhere, Bruce is asking possibly the only question worth asking…
Further up the corridor
we saw earlier, Denes is bemoaning his conditions of imprisonment.
Denes: How much longer am I to be kept here?
Me: “Until I’ve excavated this cavern.”7
Bruce arrives and
comments on the corridor situation. The
guard captain offers a marvellous response.
Guard Captain: It’s easier to guard him here.
Denes orders a light
book and some rich food from doom service and the action switches to the
kitchen underneath Gormenghast. It’s Victoria’s first day on
her new job, let’s see how she gets on.
Him: So, is this set in the future then?
Me: Yup.
Kudos to Griff, the
long-suffering Chef, played by Reg Lye (who you could nearly see, a few years later, being torn apart by racing vultures in a bleak slice of Yorkshirana). His every line’s a delight, but we’ll only
quote a few.
Chef: Peel those spuds now!
Victoria begins peeling.
Chef: My mother was right…
Victoria:
What?
Chef: She wanted me to be a dustman.
Him: Ha!
The Chef goes out for
a walk –
Chef: It’ll probably rain.
- and Fariah
encourages Victoria
to get the rel out of there while she still can. Just then, Jamie arrives and the padding
continues with yet another recap. As
wonderful as it is, The Enemy of the World does feel a bit as though it was under-running by about four episodes.
Victoria:
You don’t really believe that Salamander could cause earthquakes, do
you?
Volcano: KKKKRRRRRKABOOOOOOOOOM
Me: Oop, Inferno
again.
Him: It’s not Inferno,
it’s Coronas of the Sun.
Me: Nice.
You win this story’s obscure reference by a long chalk.
The Doctor and Giles
are sat in a caravan (which is probably called ‘The Highlander’, or ‘The Marrow-Cracker’
or ‘The Oncoming Storm’ or something, going on the enthusiastic labelling that
caravan manufacturers seem obsessed with doing in order to make their mobile
cabins of despair seem more enticing)7 watching a show from 1970 and filling in
the time between credits by talking about manufactured natural disasters. Giles is convinced there’s a hell mouth or
something right underneath Salamander’s research station. It’s the only explanation that fits all the
facts. And by ‘facts’, I mean ‘clues’.
Giles hears a noise at
the door – there’s no-one there. This
fills in a few more seconds. More exposition
takes place until the sound-effect of sirens fills the set. Giles pulls up a seat cushion to reveal a
storage space that should be filled with tins of beans and sweetcorn. He tells the Doctor to hide.
The Doctor: I hope there’s plenty of air in here.
Me: Ha!
Milton Johns bangs the
caravan’s door open and sneers his way in.
Milton Johns: So… I
might have known…
Me: “Washing up, eh?”
There follows some
intense exposition, accusations of ornithology and crockery bullying.
Him: “Not my dirty dishes!”
Me: He’s missed one.
Milton Johns glides
out and into a sudden breeze that carries him away. Giles rescues the Doctor from under the seat.
Astrid sashays swiftly
through the upper levels of Gormenghast.
She’s stopped by Denes’ very bored guard (Bill Lyons). You can tell he’s bored because he’s put on
an outrageous accent in order to ask Astrid out for a drink – even though she’s
obviously in a rush. She then runs
straight into Denes and the Guard Captain.
Me: It’s a very busy corridor.
Astrid’s message to
Salamander passes the Guard Captain’s inspection. He recognises Astrid from somewhere but…
Light Book: THUD
Distracted by the
fallen literature, the Guard Captain turns and Astrid fleeeeees. Denes shrugs.
Astrid arrives in the
kitchen and tells Jamie to continue eating his way through the European Food Mountain. She runs off as Griff returns.
Me: He’s ace.
Chef: How’s the food? Terrible!
Terrible! I’ll get the sack
tonight for sure. Maybe they’ll shoot me
– I won’t have to worry any more.
No. The firing squad would miss
me.
Him: Ha!
Me: The
Enemy of the World hasn’t got a reputation for being funny, which is a
shame. It’s alright. Just not very Doctor Who.
Fariah turns up to
collect Denes’ dinner. Jamie – now fully
recovered - starts flirting.
Jamie: Why travel then?
Fariah: Sometimes we do what we have to do, not what
we want to do.
Him: That should be the slogan for the blog…6
Salamander is filling
in some paperwork. Bruce gruffs around
in the background, accidentally playing into Salamander’s hand.
Continuing this
story’s odd obsession with mealtimes and kitchen utensils, the Chef sends-
Me: Victoria
and the Dessert Tray of Doom.
- into the corridor
with Mr Denes’ rich food. Fedorin stops Victoria. He compliments the smell of the food whilst
palming some of the silver. He’s
learning fast. This boy’ll go far.
Fedorin: Where’s the salt? You forgot something.
A flustered Victoria returns to the
kitchen. Fedorin looks around guiltily
and doesn’t twirl his moustache once. He
produces, and opens, the Career Advancement Box that Salamander gave him
earlier.
Me: There’s a tiny orchestra in there. Does the Master’s evil know no limit?
The Captain of the
Guard has remembered where he saw Astrid before – it was in the park. With Jamie and Victoria. Oh dear.
Salamander instructs the Guard Captain to let Astrid escape but leave
the other two for him to deal with.
Fedorin’s toxic
seasoning of Denes’ dinner would be much more subtle if it wasn’t accompanied
by such blaring sinister music. There’s
an impressive set of speakers hidden in the tiny container – the corridor’s
positively vibrating.
Victoria (finally) delivers Denes’ dinner. The Guard Captain confiscates the steak
knife, which puts him in an awkward position.
Denes: It’s a long time since I’ve had my food cut
up for me.
Him: Ha!
The Guard Captain
wanders off, leaving Victoria
to provide comfort to Denes.
Elsewhere, Fedorin’s
failed the practical part of his job interview.
Salamander tells Fedorin not to worry, poisons some plonk and hands it
to the spineless jobseeker.
Salamander: I hope you will appreciate this wine. It’s made for me especially, in Alaska.
Fedorin necks it, the
uncultured oaf.
Him: “Tastes like death.”
Me: “With a hint of cherry.”
Fedorin suddenly
becomes very depressed, loses his temper, becomes forgetful, experiences a
sudden moment of exquisite happiness and then jumps in the corner and dies.
The Guard Captain
arrives and Salamander asks him to tidy up the body.
Him: “A heart attack.”
Me: Ha!
Salamander hurries off
to sort out the Denes dilemma.
Jamie and the Chef
have spotted photographers in the shrubbery (or something). Jamie runs off and there’s a gunshot.
Chef: Hey! I
know the food’s bad but you don’t have to go that far.
Him: Ha!
Following the fastest
attempt to escape from a corridor that’s ever been recorded on film, Denes has
died from lead poisoning, Astrid’s stood up her dishy guard and vanished and Victoria
and Jamie having been taken to Salamander’s office for a severe telling-off.
Me: Bit of a jump there.
No wonder this
episode’s been set in a corridor, Patrick Troughton’s eaten all the rest of the scenery.
Salamander confronts
Jamie.
Salamander: Pretending to safe my life was ingenious, but
ingenuity requires a constant stream of new ideas. Yours seem to have dried up.
Him: That’s a clever word choice.
Me: David Whittaker was a talented chap.
Our chums are taken
away. For the life of me, I can’t understand
why Victoria
hasn’t let fly with a sonic blast. Oh
well.
Bruce is a bit
confused. After all, didn’t he see Salamander with Jamie before? Remember?
In the library? With Giles? In episode one? Remember?
Bruce: Or…
Nearly…
Bruce: …someone…
Come on, Bruce – you
can do it…
Bruce: …like…
you.
 |
| Hurray! |
EPISODE FOUR
We recap.
The Doctor and Giles
are still holed up in ‘The Oncoming Storm’.
There’s not much happening other than exposition. Astrid phones them – unaware that Milton
Johns is listening in. He orders a guard
to go and grab her.
Me: It’s quite tense, really.
Astrid finishes her
call just in time to have a quick tussle with Fariah who’s chosen this moment
to switch sides.
Elsewhere, Milton
Johns has a quick chat with the Guard Captain, who runs through what happened
in the preceding paragraph.
Me: It’s all falling apart.
The Doctor and Giles
have joined up with Astrid and Fariah for a chinwag about the plot. And Fariah’s motives. The Doctor points out that nobody has any
proof. Fariah says that might not be
entirely true and produces Fedorin’s file.
Seems that corridor safe was even less secure than it looked.
Meanwhile, Milton
Johns, the Guard Captain and thousands of unseen guards, have our heroes
surrounded.
I know I’m being mean,
but that’s because we’re engrossed in it and I’ve got to fill in these gaps
with something. Even though the story’s
made up entirely of people talking about what might be happening elsewhere on
the set it’s still compelling stuff.14
The Doctor’s got to
impersonate Salamander again. This time
with Fariah acting as peril-monkey. There’s a quick chat about morals to fill in
some more time…
 |
| Him: Wii remote! |
Me: It’s an odd one, this. No telesnaps exist for this episode and Jamie and Victoria don’t appear.
Him: Oh.
Our chums spot the guards
outside.
Milton Johns is also
having a quick chat about morals with the Guard Captain.
Milton Johns: These people are terrorists. Give the order.
Astrid puts her Slayer
skills to good use and single-handedly holds off the attacking waves of unseen
guards whilst the others escape through a ventilation shaft.
Milton Johns storms in
– followed by everyone else - but our heroes have vanished.
Fariah, for some
reason, has been separated from the others and gets shot. In fairness, I didn’t see that coming. Milton Johns turns up. He’s not happy.
Fariah: You can’t threaten me now, Benik. I can only die once… And someone’s beaten you to it…
She dies, dropping
Fedorin’s file…
Me: Oo.
Milton Johns takes the
file to Salamander. Bruce arrives and
there’s a three-way shout-off that – apart from Salamander announcing he’s
aware that the Doctor’ll probably impersonate him again - does nothing to
advance the plot. Bruce and Milton Johns
leave.
Salamander presses a
button and a secret panel in the wall opens.
Inside it is the lift to the Batcave.
Him: Movement!
Me: That’s from… um… The Dalek Invasion of Earth.
Him: I know.
But it looks like it’s from this.
Bruce is surprised to
be told that he’s not allowed to see Salamander. Milton Johns – being wonderfully reptilian –
gloats a bit. The plot sits patiently,
waiting for the lights to change.
In the Batcave…
Me: That music’s fantastic
Salamander’s got a
Batoffice in the Batcave.
Him: It’s made of Dalek.
Me: Or Yeti eggs…
Nearby are the Morlocks
workers. Swann leads them (he’s quite
old), Mary (she’s quite young) and Colin (he’s quite young and wants to visit
the surface again) are acting as audience identification figures, and we’ll
hear more about them later on.
Salamander’s been playing them for chumps, insisting that the surface is
radioactive and pretending to go on food gathering missions. He’s a proper wrong ‘un and no mistake.
Me: This is an interesting twist.
Salamander shares out
some Alaskan wine. He’s treated as a
saviour.
Salamander: In a few short weeks, we survivors will have
been down in this shelter for exactly five years…
Me: Whoah.
As above, so below.
More lies spew
out. The Morlocks workers believe
there’s a war raging on the surface.
Salamander’s been using them to generate natural disasters (and provoke
Mothra) as part of the ‘war effort’. Colin’s not happy, but he’s young and
idealistic, so that’s only to be expected.
Back on the surface,
Astrid is adding slap to the Doctor while Giles watches and Bruce barges in
with guards-
Me: Oh – that was quick.
Credits!
Him: I love how it’s the same theme song, even
though it’s changed so much.
Me: Well, they got it right to start with.
EPISODE FIVE
We recap…
Bruce reveals that
Salamander had arranged for a tracking device to be attached to the base of
‘The Oncoming Storm’. It’s a fair cop. Like Bruce.
Slowly, the caravan begins to fill with exposition.
 |
| Astrid grabs a leaf-blower from someone and opens the door, allowing the exposition to gush out onto the hard, Australian soil. |
Me: He’s a wrong’un.
Him: They’re all wrong ‘uns.
The Doctor: Please, Mr Kent! You’re forgetting one very important thing.
Giles: What?
The Doctor: Me.
Me: Ha!
The Doctor pretends to
be a pacifist, takes the leaf-blower from Astrid and hands it to Bruce. It’s a dangerous gamble for the fifth
episode, but it works. Bruce agrees to
help on the condition Astrid and her Watcher remain locked in ‘The Oncoming
Storm’.
In the Batcave, the
daily dairy delivery’s arrived.
Him: ‘Radiation milk’?
Me: It’s orange.
Colin starts whining
to Swann about wanting a gap-year. Mary
drifts through the scene a bit dreamily.
Swann finds a piece of newspaper stuck to one of the boxes of radiation
milk. The jig, it appears, is up…
Me: Oop.
Swann confronts
Salamander, who bluffs desperately. He
admits the war’s over but… um… the society is… um… made up entirely of
monsters?
Swann’s understandably
unhappy. He wants to go the
surface. Now.
Me: Oop.
Salamander says that’s
okay, as long as he doesn’t tell anyone what he’s found. Swann agrees and makes an announcement.
Colin: Why not me?
Me: “Because you’re an unstable pain in the
behind?”
Meanwhile, Jamie wakes
up and grabs Victoria. They hurry to leave but Milton Johns appears
without warning – apparently scaring the sensorite15 out of an innocent
telesnap.
 |
| "AAARGH! IT’S ‘IM!" |
Him: God, he looks evil.
Jamie: Where are we?
Me: “Cromer.”
Milton Johns slides
around our chums, his tongue flicking in and out – tasting the air and dripping
venom everywhere. Jamie punches a guard,
but Milton Johns grabs Victoria
with his tail. Victoria’s so afraid she’s forgotten her
sonic blast. Again.
Me: He’s creepy isn’t he?
Him: Yeah.
At this point,
‘Salamander’ and Bruce arrive. He tells
Milton Johns to go and lie on a rock or something, before winding up Jamie and
Victoria with lashings of exposition.
Me: There’re some great performances in this
story. Everyone’s really good.
The Doctor proves he’s
the Doctor with some whistling and accidentally letting something rather
important slip.
Bruce: ‘TARDIS’?
What’s that?
Him: Ha!
A guard makes the
mistake of telling Milton Johns that Salamander hasn’t left his office. Milton Johns thoughtfully swallows a rat,
before turning and scuttling up the wall of the corridor and onto the
ceiling. He hisses and turns to face the
interrogation room.
Astrid and Giles use
the oldest trick in the book to escape ‘The Oncoming Storm’.
In one of the rocky
tunnels leading from the Batcave to the surface, Salamander prepares to brain
Swann with a Batrock.
Astrid hides in some
bushes – Salamander brushes by. Astrid
hears a groaning. Suddenly, Swann, his
head covered in blood, falls into an unexpec- CREDITS!
Me: Odd cliffhanger.
Him: I do wish they’d find more of The Enemy of the World.
Me: Why’s that?
Him: Because we’re watching recons.
Me: Ha!
Him: Hey – I bet by the time we start Spearhead from Space, the BBC announce
that they’ve found all the missing
episodes.
Me: How cool would that be?
Him: Well, they’re all in the BBC canteen. And the reason it’ll be when we start Spearhead from Space is…?
Me: Not being revealed at this time.
EPISODE SIX
We recap.
Swann’s in a bit of a
state. He blames Salamander and then points
down the tunnel, toward the Batcave far, far below.
Back in the
interrogation room everyone’s getting ready for a conga when the door bursts
open and the reptilian form of Milton Johns casts a terrifying shadow over
them.
Him: Wouldn’t that have been a better cliffhanger?
Me: Yes.
Everyone talks for
ages, but otherwise nothing really happens.
I notice something odd about the soundtrack.
Me: Bit of an echo.
Astrid is carrying
Swann down the tunnel. Surely a hospital
would be a better idea?
‘Salamander’ shouts at
Milton Johns. Cunningly, he doesn’t sign
anything. Eventually, Milton Johns
crawls off. The set floor is pitted with
venom. Small tendrils of smoke rise from
the tiny holes. The Doctor looks at the
papers that Milton Johns has handed him.
It’s the script.
In the tunnel, Swann’s
worked out what’s going on – luckily there’s enough time for him to exposit
over Astrid before he dies.
‘Salamander’ is on the
phone.
Me: It’s lucky that Salamander didn’t speak like
Joe Pasquale.
Him: Or have only one leg.
Bruce sends our
erstwhile chums on a mission. They’re to
phone a chap called Forrester and tell him the secret password, ‘redhead’.
Jamie: ‘Redhead’…
Is that your wife?
Me: Jamie!
Leave it alone.
Suddenly, we’re in the Batcave again. Colin the teenage Morlock is sulking.
Me: Bit of a jump.
Him: No. I
don’t know whether you’ve ever taken drama, but cuts are allowed. You can change scene, location, characters
and everything.
Me: Good isn’t it?
Astrid arrives in the
Batcave, she stares open-mouthed at the giant penny and model tyrannosaur
before she gets jumped and nearly thrown in the decontamination microwave. Oddly, Colin saves her and it’s exposition for
all!
Him: Astrid sounds like Sybil.
Me: So, Salamander’s actually from Barcelona?
Astrid prepares to
lead the Morlocks to the surface.
Giles is sneaking
around and nearly bumps into Milton Johns who’s swapping exposition with a
baffled guard.
Milton Johns: Of course it doesn’t make sense if you
haven’t got any sense.
Us: HA!
Me: He oozes evil.
Him: Uuurgh.
Me: Not literally that would be hideous.
Giles confronts ‘Salamander’,
watched by Milton Johns and Bruce while a guard burns through the locked door.
Me: When Accents Attack.
Him: “Claws!”
Me: Oh – that’s good. “Clause!”
Him: I did it yesterday. “Claws!”
“We’re gonna need a bigger box”.
Me: We’re talking homophones, I think.
And suddenly – the
Morlocks and Astrid arrive, ‘Salamander’ reveals himself to have been the
Doctor all along. Giles turns out to
have been in cahoots with the real Salamander.
Me: Wow!
Giles escapes into the
tunnel – Salamander’s already there.
Milton Johns is
arrested by Forrester.
Me: Justice!
The Doctor calls Bruce.
The Doctor: I think Kent is going to try and blow us all
up.
Giles confronts
Salamander and gets shot in the shoulder as a reward – he stumbles down the
tunnel toward a Massive Lever.
Astrid and the Doctor
watch as Salamander shoots Giles again. Giles falls, and with his dying breath pulls
–
Me: “Not zat zvitch!”
Lots of Explosives: BANG
Me: Whoah.
Debris and panic
everywhere, but the Morlocks are okay.
Me: This is really good.
Him: Yup.
Suddenly, we’re back
on the beach. It’s night. Jamie watches the Doctor stagger toward
them. He helps our hero into the TARDIS. Victoria
begs to leave.
And then the Doctor
arrives. Again.
 |
| Iconic Moment #200 |
It’s brilliant, but
you already knew that.
The TARDIS takes off –
but the doors are open… Salamander is sucked
off into the void…
CREDITS!
Me: Wow!
What an ending.
Him: It was quite good.
NEXT: “Mind the gap!”
EPISODE SIX ALTERNATE ENDING
Him: Is this the alternate ending?
Me: It is.
Let’s see what’s different
Him: I’m glad that the sound survives.
Me: You know why that is, yeah?
Him: No.
Didn’t people record it?
Me: They did…
Astrid and the Doctor
watch as Salamander shoots Giles again. Giles falls, and with his dying breath
pulls –
Me: “Not zat zvitch!”
Lots of Explosives: BANG
Me: Whoah.
Debris and panic
everywhere, but the Morlocks are okay.
Me: This is really good.
Him: Yup.
Suddenly, we’re back
on the beach. It’s night. Jamie watches the Doctor stagger toward
them. He helps our hero into the TARDIS. Victoria
begs to leave.
Him: I’m glad that the sound survives.
Me: You know why that is, yeah?
Him: No.
Didn’t people record it?
Me: They did…
And then the Doctor
arrives. Again.
|
| Iconic Moment #200 |
Him: Wow.
It’s brilliant, but
you already knew that.
The TARDIS takes off –
but the doors are open… Salamander is
sucked off into the void…
Our heroes struggle
desperately to close the doors – Jamie in particular is in great danger of
being flattened. With a massive effort,
Jamie throws the switch and the doors close.
Equilibrium returns.
Victoria: Are we safe now?
The Doctor: Now then, where shall we go?
Jamie accuses the
Doctor of being unable to control the TARDIS.
Or hero takes umbrage at this.
The TARDIS is in flight.
Victoria:
Here we go again.
Jamie: I wonder where we’ll end up this time.
Me: “Ah hope it’s Glasgow.”
The Doctor: Yes, I wonder.
CREDITS!
Me: I thought he knew where they were going?
Him: Is this the end of season episode?
Me: No.
Him: Why’s it got a different ending?
Me: I’ll find out…16
NEXT: “Mind the gap!”
Me: The
Enemy of the World’s a strange story really. Doesn’t seem to fit – but I can’t put my
finger on why. Other than the lack of
monsters.
Him: What about Salamander?
Me: That’s the thing. He fills the monster space for the story –
and because he’s such a big concept, he more than fills it. It’s a very Doctor Who idea, but it wouldn’t work every week, whereas the
base-under-siege ones do. It’s a bit of
a one-off.
Pause.
Him: What about…?
Me: Yeah?
Him: Hmmm?
1. This is almost certainly not the actual line,
but it has been taken from a very old bootleg.
2. “Yes, Jamie. That is a big one.” Etc.
3. It’s always struck me as really smug and
snarky to add ‘(sic)’ just to get a cheap laugh. You’ll notice it hasn’t stopped me
though. I’m so ashamed.
4. It’s not like in the Sixties they’d have
had unexplained comments about silence falling; missing storeys; between two
and three forgotten TARDISes (not to mention the exploding one); the Omega
symbolism – both uniform and scorched lawn versions; vanishing pirates; the
otherwise unmentioned third-party POV at Caerphilly Castle; the Silent pulling
a picnic version of Banquo when he should have been genocided decades before; the
shadowy Doctor running through the kitchen of an impossible house – I mean, I
could go on…
Personally, I think these little escape hatches have been
written into the new series solely as a bait and switch to make us feel we’re
in the presence of a genius, rather than a damn clever showman. And maybe we are.
But…
If any of the
little doors above don’t get shut
before Mr Moffat’s leaving do, then I’m afraid it proves that someone’s really
been winging it more than we’re supposed to have noticed. It’s one thing to have the Doctor alarm a
stranger with some tie business at the start of an episode, only to reveal that
it was part of the plan all along at the end - when you watch Smith and Jones for the first time it
seems to be a really clever moment, because we forget that the writer’s already
read the script (and anyway, we’re expecting Shade to make an appearance, so
we’re looking in the wrong direction). A
story’s one thing but it’s a bit cocky to attempt the same trick over an entire run as the producer. It’s been like watching Graham Williams pretend
that not only was Horror of Fang Rock
part of the Key to Time arc, but Shada
was always destined to be the glorious conclusion - the moment When All the
Threads of Time Shall Pull Together (as predicted in a vague, ancient prophecy
that he’s still scribbling on a napkin whilst, behind him, Erato is being
wheeled onto the set for the first time).
Also, can we stop reverse-engineering classic stories to make them
appear to be warm-ups for your new stuff, please? Hear that?
That’s the sound of forgotten plates smashing.
And I know the
pirate doesn’t count. I threw that in as
a red herring. Sorry. I’ll sit down, shut up and get back to being
grateful now.
5. And make no mention of the fact that this was
possibly the reason that when Kylie the Antipodean Songstress made her only appearance
in Doctor Who the following century, Russell
T Davies gave her character the same name.
After all, it makes a lot more sense than just “because it’s an anagram
of TARDIS”. We’ll talk about Idris later
- when we’re further up the Ascent.
6. And the same goes for the Doctor.7
7. “Stop that, it’s silly.”
8. © BBC 1966.
9. Feel free to insert your own topical
satirical reference here. Make it as pithy
as you can because it’ll date faster than-10
10. Return to 9 (Now we’ve trapped you in a chronic hysteresis. Forever…
Bwah ha ha ha!)7
11. Yes, yes it is.
12. Made-up terms © BBC Worldwide 2005, 2006,
2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 and renewed until the heat-death of
the Universe.13
13. Somewhere, within the dank bowels of the
corporation, there sits a Dalek, counting beans. This is the bubbling sack of hate that ruled
there was no time to overdub a fluff because the US DVDs: “MUST-BE-SHIPPED-BE-FORE-BROAD-CASTS-CON-CLUDE!-DA-LEK-PROF-ITS-EX-CEED-QUAL-I-TY-CON-TROL!-O-BEY!!-O-BEYY!!!-O-BEYYY!!!!”11
14. Barry Letts learned a valuable lesson while
directing The Enemy of the World, and
when he took over as producer ensured that never again would a pointless, budget-destroying,
location-shot chase scene be allowed, as that would compromise the quality of
the remaining story. Oh, hang on a
minute…
15. We don’t do that joke any more.
16. Turns out it’s a special happy ending added
by johnnyfanboy and not from an off-air audio recording of a repeat like what I
thought. Oh well.
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