Who
can doubt the existence of the Yeti?
Many who have encountered the animal do not realise what they have seen,
hence talk of mythical creatures. Those
who have never encountered it – in other words, most people – allow themselves
to drift into the realms of fantasy. In
a time when resuscitated dinosaurs prowl our televisions, it matters little if
the animals on the screen really exist.
- Reinhold
Messner, My Quest for the Yeti
EPISODE ONE
Me: Shall we explain where we’ve
been?
Him: No.
Me: Right. So, The
Abominable Snowmen. First one of
Series Five proper, because Tomb of the Cybermen was held over from Series Four.
Him: Oh.
Me: Here we go.
Him: How many more Patrick
Troughton’s are there?
Me: Complete ones?
Him: No, in general.
Me: Not sure off the top of my
head.
The
Him checks.
Him: Thirteen. Including The
Abominable Snowmen.
Me: This is probably the
trickiest series to get through.
Him: Because not much exists?
Me: Yeah, but when we’re through
The Wheel in Space it’ll be plain
sailing. Mostly.1 Shall we?
And
we’re off.
The
opening doesn’t mess about. First,
there’s a fire - we’re on a mountain at night – someone screams, waking Edward Travers
(although, strictly speaking we just know he’s a chap in a hat right now). There’s a lot of shuffling and bumping – the
mountain sounds particularly woody – and more screams. It’s very effective, but wouldn’t make any
sense at all without the Frazer Hines narration.
Travers
stumbles off into the darkness as an UNKNOWN MASSIVE ANIMAL drops a gun, by now
nothing more than a modernist sculpture, into the titles.
Me: That was pretty good.
Meanwhile,
in the TARDIS, our chums are looking at postcards of the Himalayas. The Doctor is extremely excited about this,
as you can imagine, and declares he needs to find a ghanta. Victoria explains what a mountain is to
Jamie, who makes a comment about ‘Cybermen’s tombs’ to remind viewers what’s
what.
The
Doctor opens a massive chest and starts pulling things out and making a right
mess by the sounds of it. A baffled
Jamie joins in.
The
Doctor removes something.
 |
| Man at V & A. |
Jamie: That’s the ghanta then?
The
Doctor: No,
no, no. It’s a… Well.
It’s a-
Him: “A Sensorite chair.”2
There’s
an unexpected chilling moment as Jamie discovers some bagpipes.
Me: Oh God.
The
Doctor agrees and the bagpipes are abandoned to wander the endless corridors of
the TARDIS until they either starve, or become something’s lunch.
Him: But… The Doctor wanted Jamie to teach him to play
the bagpipes.
Me: You sure?
Him: I definitely remember that.
Me: Fair play.
Him: “I bet I could write ‘Nell Gurgle’.”
Me: That’s obscure. Even for us.
The
Doctor reveals that the ghanta in question is in fact a type of religious bell. This one, like a Welsh rugby player, is quite
small and has a dragon on it, unlike the massive fur coat the Doctor’s just
found.
The
Doctor: Yes,
it’s just the thing for this climate.
Me: “Made of Yeti, you know.”
The Doctor: I think I’ll go and have a
scout around.
The Doctor
declares that the ghanta’ll act as a kind of Tibetan Get-Into-Monasteries-Free
card. He then leaves Jamie and Victoria
to frootle themselves something warm and furry.
Jamie
pulls out a huge scimitar and starts waving it around. Victoria, making quite a meal of it, steers
the scanner around, trying to see where the Doctor’s got to. Instead, she discovers something that quite
puts the willies up the young Scot.
Jamie: A great sort of hairy
beastie!
Luckily,
it’s the Doctor. These moments feel in
no way like padding.
Meanwhile,
in Wales, the Doctor is making his way down the hilly mountain toward the monastery. Spotting a footprint in the
mud, he pauses for a closer look, unaware he’s being observed by a shadowy
figure from behind a newspaper.
Back
in the TARDIS, Victoria’s found the ghanta (in a ghanta bag) and the padding
continues. Jamie makes a declaration
that probably caused Frazer Hines some discomfort during the location filming.
Jamie: I’m a Highlander. The cold doesn’t affect me.
Me: Told you.
The Doctor
returns. He’s somewhat distracted and
tells our young chums to stay in the TARDIS and not touch anything, while he
pops down to the monastery we now know as Detsen.
Carrying the ghanta bag, the Doctor follows the trail of enormous muddy footprints for a
short distance. Something huge and hairy
observes him from behind its copy of the North
Wales Echo. Changing his mind, the Doctor turns and
continues down the hill.
Me: This was the first time Doctor Who was filmed in Wales.
Him: But it’s cold and icy.
Me: You’d think. It’s actually all a bit Welsh-mountainy.
Him: Giant Red Kites carrying
people off?
Me: And rain. Lots of rain.
The
Doctor finds an abandoned tent, the modernist sculpture from the titles and a
body.
Jamie
and Victoria disobey the Doctor and leave the TARDIS. Instantly, they come upon the footprints. Victoria is shocked, but manages to retain
her composure and not emit a sonic blast.
Me: “Aye, Victoria. That is
a big one.”
Meanwhile,
the Doctor arrives at the monastery.
The
Doctor: *knock
knock*
Don’t
make the gag…
The
Doctor: *knock
knock*
Don’t
do it…
The
Doctor:
*knock knock*
Must
- stay - strong…
The
Doctor: *knock
knock*
Sulking
a little at the fact that no-one got the joke, the Doctor opens the smaller,
unoiled gate set into the monastery’s massive door.
Me: That’s a fine sound.
The
Doctor steps through and into-
Me: And that’s a great set.
After
staring at Buddha for a bit, the Doctor tries starting a conversation. Behind him, some monks (and Travers) sneak in
and position themselves carefully. When
they’re ready, one at the back pushes the unoiled gate closed. The Doctor jumps.
Khrisong
– a monk with an intriguing moustache - asks the Doctor what he’s after.
Travers
interrupts the exchange by playing his bonus Mistaken-Identity plot card. It’s an old move, but still a classic.
Me: One of the dangers of
wearing a Yeti fur-coat. PETA better not
see that.
Him: “It’s the only explanation that
fits all the facts.”
The Doctor’s
coat, with our hero trapped inside, is taken away to await the findings of the
CSI: Detsen team.
Victoria
and Jamie have followed the tracks of the UNKNOWN MASSIVE ANIMAL to a cave
mouth. Encouragingly, it’s not littered
with bones, heads and bits of adventurer but Victoria’s after the benefit of
the full time-travelling explorer package and wants to go in. Jamie notices some wood and creeps cautiously
forward to get a better look. Joists are
supporting the roof of the cave – suggesting it’s not been carved-out by the
tusks of some UNKNOWN MASSIVE ANIMAL after all.
So, that’s alright then.
Jamie
ventures in, whilst Victoria – her earlier sightseeing enthusiasm beginning to
wane – waits outside and starts warming her lungs up. When she’s good and fretful, some UNKNOWN
MASSIVE ANIMAL hoves into view.
Scurrying into the cave to protect Jamie, Victoria prepares to unleash a devastating sonic blast. This plan is
scuppered when the UNKNOWN MASSIVE ANIMAL - and his friend – roll a boulder
across the cave mouth, sealing our chums in like a salad in Tupperware.
The
Doctor’s making the most of his imprisonment by practising his standing jumps.
Him: Ha!
The
Doctor has moved onto acrorobics next, and tries balancing on a stool.
Him: This reminds me of Mr Benn.
Me: Fair enough.
Him:
The way it
moves. And the commentary.
I
should explain about Mr Benn here, just in case anyone’s wandered in who doesn’t get the
reference. Oh well, life’s full of
disappointments.
Travers
pokes his head through a massive hole in the cell door.
Me: That’s Deborah Watling’s dad.
Him: Uh-huh.
Convinced
that the Doctor’s a journalist, Travers indignantly introduces himself.
Travers: Oh, yes. You laughed at me in the press, didn’t
you? ‘Travers the Mad Anthropologist’.
Me: That’s quite a title.
Him: It is.
Warming
to his theme of him, Travers launches into a well-prepared grumble about the
gutter-press that wouldn’t have been out of place at the Leveson Inquiry. As the declamatory spittle starts to fly, the
Doctor admits he’s baffled.
The
Doctor:
‘Finding them’? Finding what?
Him: Jamie and Victoria managed
to find the Yeti in just a few minutes.
Me: And you’ll notice that
neither of them have a camera. Tch.
The
Doctor and Travers engage in a shout-to-the-deaf about the personality traits
of imaginary beasts. Reason doesn’t
enter into it.
Elsewhere,
Khrisong and Rinchen – a monk who doesn’t boast quite so verdant a facial
plumage – are also arguing about the way the imaginary beasts up the hill have
suddenly gone rogue. It’s like an
evening at the theatre. Speaking of
which-
Me: And none of these people are
Harold Pinter.
Him: They’re all Harold Pinter? Who’s he?
Me: That’s right. Everyone in this story, apart from the
regulars and their immediate families, is played by Harold Pinter.
The
Pinters decide to ask the Abbot if they should kill the Doctor or not, but
first: prayer.
Him: “Llamas!”
Me: Not that sort of llama. You’ll
notice none of these have beaks for eating honey.
Him: That’s true. And we don’t know if they can swim.
As
the monks shuffle away, Khrisong decides it’s time for a cliff-hanger.
Khrisong: I, Khrisong, will ACT! Bring me the prisoner.
Meanwhile,
Jamie and Victoria are still trapped on the wrong side of the boulder like an UNKNOWN MASSIVE ANIMAL’s
packed lunch. Jamie spots something…
Frazer
Hines: …an
unearthly pyramid of glinting silver spheres…
Me: That was the working title
for the very first story.
With
less than a minute to the cliff-hanger, Victoria notices that one of the UNKNOWN
MASSIVE ANIMAL is returning. Victoria
clenches her fists tight and prepares to let fly with a sonic blast – even though
in a space this tight it’s more likely to turn Jamie to cranberry jelly than
save him…
Not
willing to risk sonic-jellification, Jamie pushes Victoria to one side and faces
the UNKNOWN
MASSIVE ANIMAL (Harold Pinter) that’s lurching towards him. Gritting his teeth he prepares to hug it
until one of them bursts.
Victoria: EEK!!!
Credits!
Me: Pretty good.
EPISODE TWO
Me: Movement!
Jamie
dislodges one of the joists mentioned earlier and half-a-mountain lands on the
UNKNOWN MASSIVE ANIMAL, leaving only a claw poking out of the rubble. As the dust settles, our chums look around
the cave. Victoria’s attention is caught
by the unearthly pyramid of glinting silver spheres.
Him: “Something must be laying these eggs.”
Jamie
helps himself to an egg, and then notices that the tunnel isn’t completely
blocked after all. Victoria’s a trifle
hesitant.
Him: Go on, move.
The UNKNOWN
MASSIVE ANIMAL obliges, startling our heroes.
They rush out of the cave and onto location.
Back
in the monastery, the Doctor’s passing the time playing his recorder. Thonmi (Harold Pinter) arrives with a massive
stick, which suggests he’s getting as fed up with listening to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as
several million British infants did in compulsory music classes.
Distracting
the Doctor, Thonmi helps fill in some back-story. The monastery is under siege (hooray!). The Yeti have been ganging up on the Monks
recently – sitting on several as they were gathering berries, things like
that. The Doctor lets slip that he’s
visited before. He asks Thonmi how the
1630 attack finished – which suggests either his memory’s playing up, or he
left early. Thonmi basically confirms
this – that was when the ghanta was ‘borrowed’.
Me: Oops.
Thonmi
insists on taking the Doctor to talk to Khrisong (Harold Pinter). The Doctor drops hints that he’s got a
present for the Abbot, but Thonmi – having been living on a steadily depleting
diet of rationed berries – isn’t exactly the hairiest scalp in the display case,
and spends so long making a confused face that Khrisong turns up, sighs, and
orders a couple of Pinters to take the Doctor to the gate. After they leave, a tiny lightbulb comes on
above Thonmi’s head. He lifts the
yak-hair mattress and finds the ghanta.
Totally perplexed by this odd discovery, he dashes off to find a
grown-up.
Meanwhile,
Jamie and Victoria are trying not to fall down a hill whilst a Yeti wobbles
behind them.
 |
| It doesn’t look much like this still from the tenth Whoniversary Radio Times special, which is a shame. |
A
procession of Pinters leading the Doctor to the gates is intercepted by Rinchen
(Harold Pinter). Rinchen still reckons
it might be a good idea to have a word with Songsten the Abbot – also played by
Harold Pinter. Khrisong pooh-poohs this
notion and inadvertently sparks a debate as Sapan (Harold Pinter) joins
in. Travers strides through, pauses long
enough to adopt a hero-pose and be rude to the Doctor and then strikes off for
North Wales and cryptozoological glory, cackling like a loon.
The
monk debate has reached a conclusion of sorts.
Khrisong has pulled moustache rank, much to Rinchen’s dismay. The Doctor
is to be used as Yeti-bait and that’s final.
Him: “I like foreigners, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t like foreigners
that aren’t from around here.”
Me: “The Monastery of the
Slaughtered Lamb”.
Thonmi,
clutching the ghanta, is still looking for a grown-up when a door he is passing
opens. Thonmi prostrates himself before
the massive hat that emerges carrying an abbot underneath it. Thonmi gives the Abbot the ghanta – an action
which triggers a sudden voice that seems to come from nowhere and yet
everywhere. It wants to know where
Thonmi found the ghanta.
Me: Spooky…
Thonmi
is somewhat alarmed, but the Abbot calms him.
Abbot: It is the master. Padmasambhava.
Him: Is that a real name?
Me: It’s certainly something
I’ve not been looking forward to spelling.
There
are an awful lot of slightly different spellings of ‘Padmasambhava’ – played
here by Harold Pinter – so I’ve opted to go with the one that’s in the
credits.
Abbot: Do not be afraid. Answer him.
Thonmi
explains about the Doctor and the recorder and the business with the
mattress. Hearing this, Padmasambhava’s
voice changes to a guttural, rasping – in much the way it didn’t in The Snowmen.5
Padmasambhava: The. Doc.
Tor. Ssssso. He.
Hasssss. Re. Turned.
Me: “Silence. Will.
Fall.”
Him: Who is that then? With the creepy voice?
Me: In the TARDIS?
Him: Huh? No – there in the monastery.
Me: It’s Padmasambhava.
Thonmi
is told to enter the room and bring the ghanta to Padmasambhava. It’s marvellously creepy and turns the whole
story on its head. There’s no point
pretending that Wolfe Morris (played by Harold Pinter) retains any ambiguity
about the character of Padmasambhava.
Like Sutekh later, it’s so obvious that this chap is a wrong 'un from the
get-go that the suspense lies in waiting for the inevitable meeting with the
Doctor. Also, it means that the true
evil is not besieging the monastery from outside at all…
Talking
of outside the monastery, the Doctor’s been trussed up as Yeti-grub by the
Pinters. He’s not happy, which is
understandable.
Blink
and you’ll miss it, but at the start of the next scene a pterodactyl can be
seen swooping in the top-left of the screen.
Just thought I’d mention it.
Anyway…
Jamie
and Victoria meet Travers halfway up a Welsh hill.
Me: See? Rain.
Jamie
lets slip that that the Yeti have a cave.
Travers gets excited and demands that he be shown this lair. Jamie strikes a bargain – he’ll show Travers
the cave in return for being taken to the monastery. Travers begins to twig that he might have
been wrong about the Doctor after all.
The trio head back down the hill.
The
Abbot and Thonmi are filling Padmasambhava in on what’s been going on. Padmasambhava sends Thonmi to release the
Doctor on the Abbot’s orders. There’s
obviously some mind-control taking place.
Thonmi leaves on his mission and Padmasambhava’s voice changes again. The sooner the Doctor leaves, the better.
Dangling
by the gate, the Doctor spots something coming closer. Luckily, it’s Travers and
our chums. Travers is very apologetic
and Thonmi turns up at much the same time.
It’s all change.
Me: This is brilliant.
Inside
the monastery, scheming’s still taking place.
Padmasambhava certainly enunciates, but it takes time to do evil
properly.
Padmasambhava: No. Thing.
Musst. Diss. Turb.
Our. Prrrrrep. Arrrrr.
A. Shunsss.
Elsewhere,
the Doctor’s examining Jamie’s find.
Him: “An egg! A Yeti egg!”
 |
Suddenly,
there’s an unexpected cameo appearance.
|
One
of the Pinters rushes in, alarmed. Three
Yeti are approaching.
Me: And… Monastery under siege.
The
Doctor wants Khrisong to capture a Yeti, if he wouldn’t mind. The second lightbulb of this episode goes
off, this one above Jamie’s head.
Jamie: Hey, Doctor. If you really want to capture one of these
beasties, I think I have an idea that just might work.
The
Doctor:
Victoria! I think this is one of
those instances where discretion is the better part of valour. Jamie has an idea. Come along.
Grabbing
Victoria’s hand the Doctor exits sharpish.
Me: That’s brilliant.
Padmasambhava
has finally let the Abbot go. He’s
firmly in discussion with the other Pinters.
Him: What job does he have?
Me: The Abbot’s the boss. Fine hat, but the Doctor doesn’t seem to want
to go.
The preparations
continue for the Yeti attack. One Yeti
lumbers up.
Me: They’re big aren’t they?
The
Pinters whack the Yeti with sticks until it dies. The couple of Yeti watching shrug and amble
off.
As
Jamie and the Pinters tug the dead Yeti into the monastery we see that there’s
an egg lying in the mud.
Time
passes like mountain wind. Inside the
monastery, the Doctor is examining the Yeti carcass.
Me: Notice anything there?
Him: Notice anything what?
We
have another go.
Me: Right. Listen carefully.
Time
passes like mountain wind. Inside the
monastery, the Doctor is examining the Yeti carcass.
Him: I don’t get it.
Me: Although the footage
survived, that line of the Doctor’s dialogue didn’t.
Him: Really? Is it overdubbed?
Me: Yeah. Mark Ayres reconstructed it from Troughton
syllables up to the ‘-toria’.
It
turns out the Yeti’s actually made of metal – it’s a robot! The Doctor feels that there may well be
something missing from the chest cavity.
But what? What?
The
egg that Jamie found earlier starts moving – whistling nonchalantly as it does
so.
Credits!
Him: I wish they actually had
just one other episode of this.
Me: Are you enjoying it?
Him: Uh-huh.
Me: Cool.
EPISODE THREE
Well,
it’s back to sailing the recon for us.
We originally watched a commentary-free version that had seen happier
days, so some of the joy was sucked out a bit.
The sound was muddy and the pictures blurry. As a result it was like trying to watch the
episode through someone else’s window. There’s a better version out there, if you
look – one with narration – otherwise I’d still be none the wiser.
We
recap. The egg’s still escaping.
Me: The sound’s terrible.
The
Doctor twigs that the Yeti control device must’ve been dislodged during
its murder. It’s probably still outside,
but Khrisong won’t let anyone look and instructs our heroes to remain where they
are, under the watchful eyes of some Pinters.
In response to this, Travers wanders off to have a lie-down.
Elsewhere
Khrisong instructs Ralpachan (Harold Pinter) to guard the monastery exit. Travers engages Khrisong in
conversation. He wants to just slip
outside to try and find some fleshy Yeti.
Khrisong won’t let Travers leave, cryptozoology be damned.
The
Doctor, Jamie, Victoria and Thonmi are chatting. Victoria notices that the gap in the Yeti is
about the same size and shape as the Yeti egg.
They rush to the Buddha, but the egg’s hiding.
The
Doctor asks Ralpachan if he’s seen anything.
He hasn’t. Well, other than
Travers leaving that is. The Doctor
wonders if it’s possible that Travers has nabbed the egg.
Sapang
and Rinchen have wrapped a spirit trap around the Yeti body. The Abbot and Khrisong arrive and there’s a
lot of padding talking until the Doctor turns up. Khrisong isn’t happy and strides out,
followed by the Doctor.
Victoria
notices that the Abbot’s gone into a trance.
Thonmi explains that he does that.
Usually, it’s when the Abbot’s communicating with Padmasambhava. The Abbot wanders off to the Holy Sanctum.
Victoria wants to follow him.
Khrisong
insists everyone waits until the episode’s running time is back on track,
before announcing that he’ll go and look for Travers.
Somewhere
else, a clawed hand moves some nicely sculpted Yeti figures around a chess
board.
 |
| Limited to 250,000,000 copies worldwide, this machine-produced collector's edition is essential for the completist. Does not contain The Underwater Menace episode two. |
Me: I don’t know what that is.
In
Wales, Yeti copy the moves exactly. This
control appears to be remote.
Victoria
and Thonmi continue following the Abbot, until he disappears into the
Sanctum. Victoria’s desperate to break
the rules, but Thonmi’s far too frightened to let her.
The
Abbot is playing the straight guy to the scariest bit of padding for ages. Extra Yeti are added to the game.
Me: Yeti! At… night?
Khrisong
finds the egg, just as the Yeti arrive.
There’s a fight, which the Yeti win.
Off they lumber, almost leaving Khrisong in more parts than he was in when
the day began.
The
Doctor: They
came to get their ball back.
Padmasambhava
hands a piece of the Key to Time to the Abbot.
Me: What is that?
The
Abbot is to take the perspex pyramid to visit the unearthly pyramid of glinting
silver spheres up the hill. This will,
apparently, allow the Great Intelligence to focus on the planet properly and
take on physical form. Which, seeing as
it should already be knocking about on Earth, makes The Snowmen5 even more confusing.
Him: How many parts does this
have?
Me: Six.
Him: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: This is very hard
going. I’m only getting about twelve out
of every twenty words.
Elsewhere,
the Doctor, Khrisong, Jamie and assorted Pinters are filling in what’s happened
in the episode so far. The Doctor wants
to bring some equipment down from the TARDIS.
Khrisong says this is alright.
Victoria
is still being shadowed by Thonmi, until he gets waylaid and sent to the
courtyard. Taking this opportunity,
Victoria slips off – she doesn’t get far and is returned to Khrisong.
Elsewhere,
the egg continues slipping through the corridors.
On
the hill, Travers is following the two lumbering Yeti.
The
Abbot hypnotises Ralpachan-
Him: Is that a hand or a person?
-and
then leaves the monastery.
Thonmi
(who has the patience of a saint) continues to guard Victoria. He lets slip that the boys might be off
having fun.
Victoria:
Gone? Gone where?
Thonmi
blusters for a minute and then – totally forgetting everything that’s happened
during the episode - offers to get Victoria some food. As soon as he’s gone, she’s away.
In
Wales, the Doctor and Jamie are hiding behind a newspaper and observing
Yeti. Carefully, they shuffle past. After they have gone, the Abbot and his perspex pyramid arrive. The Yeti come to
life and gather round for a look before all four continue up the hill.
Thonmi
finds Victoria’s gone and panics.
Victoria
has made her way to the Sanctum.
Padmasambhava says hello.
Victoria: Who’s that?
Him: “I am called… Max.”
Padmasambhava
suggests that Victoria leaves before the Pinters find her being all sacrilegious. She scurries away to the room where the dead Yeti, and the
cliffhanger, are waiting.
Thonmi
calls out for Victoria.
The
egg has finally found its Yeti…
Everything
blurs into noises and lights and stuff.
Victoria prepares to emit a sonic blast.
Victoria: EEK!
There
are noisy noises.
Credits?
Me: What? What happened?
Him: I think Victoria was
attacked.
Me: Let’s try and find a
different version.
EPISODE FOUR
After
having a hunt, the only other version that I can initially find is by
drwhoanimator. Working on the
basis that if the telesnaps exist we need to get as close as possible to what
was actually shown, it’s better the devil you know, we tried again.
Me: I guess we’ll have to stick
with the Daily Motion one then.
And
there’s no criticism of drwhoanimator intended there either.
We
recap.
Me: Did Victoria just escape?
Him: I’m not one hundred percent
sure.
Something’s
going on involving Thonmi and the Yeti.
There’s shouting. The Pinters in
the courtyard lay into the Yeti – but to no avail, and it heads out of the gate
and off to Wales.
Me: The peanut’s escaping.
 |
| "Oh, Cyber-Jamie!" |
The
Doctor and Jamie are halfway up the hill.
Even though nothing much is happening, Jamie’s still feeling a bit out
of sorts.
Jamie: Here, you’re giving me the
willies.
There’s
some more Yeti lumbering as the-
Me: Movement!
-ones
accompanying the Abbot reach the cave.
Travers watches this from over the top of his newspaper. The Abbot heads into the cave, whilst the
four Yeti stand guard.
The
Doctor and Jamie turn the corner to the bit of the hill where the TARDIS is
parked, only to walk straight into a crash zoom on a Yeti.
Me: Movement!
Our
heroes hide behind a rock. This will
become important soon.
Padmasambhava
is playing a game of solo Yeti chess and talking to himself.
Me: Well, I guess we haven’t had
something that sounds like a wax-cylinder recording of Aleister Crowley for a
while.
Him: Aleister Crowley’s
Dead/Undead/Undead3
Me: “When love is the law.”4
The
Abbot has arranged the eggs in a special shape that makes them light up. He leaves the cave and then exits with his
Yeti. When they’re out of sight Travers
makes his way toward the cave mouth.
It’s been raining.
Me: Sounds like someone’s
walking through a marsh.
Elsewhere
on the hill…
The
Doctor: Yes…
Jamie: Have you thought up some
clever plan, Doctor?
The
Doctor: Yes,
Jamie, I believe I have.
Jamie: What are you going to do?
The
Doctor: Bung
a rock at it.
 |
| Iconic Moment #184 |
Us: Yay!
The
Yeti totally ignores the rock.
Tentatively, our heroes wander up to the Yeti. It doesn’t do anything. The Doctor starts fiddling with the Yeti and
removes its egg.
Jamie
wonders why this was so easy. The Doctor
admits he isn’t sure – other than that the Yeti’s built like a bear and you’d
have to be pretty daft to attempt to give it a tickle – and our heroes enter the
TARDIS.
Somewhere
else, Travers is watching a light show.
Me: I don’t know what that is
either.
Pyramid: Buzzzzzsquelch
Suddenly,
some sort of hideous gloopy mass starts spilling out of the pyramid and all
over the cave floor. Travers, not
expecting to find himself in an H. P. Lovecraft story at this juncture in the
narrative, stumbles from the cave and back to Wales.
The Doctor
and Jamie emerge from the TARDIS with the necessary equipment, just as the
Yeti’s egg starts beeping and pulling Jamie toward the empty chest cavity. Jamie grabs a rock and shoves it in the
cavity. The egg loses its power and
drops to the ground. The Doctor works
out what happened to the egg that went missing earlier.
Him: What’s the Illuminati?
Me: Eh?
Him: What’s the Illuminati?
Me: I’ll explain later.
Back
in the monastery, Victoria’s getting the blame for the Yeti wandering off.
Me: Wow: flutter.
The Doctor
and Jamie are startled as the egg starts bleeping. It’s a call that’s answered by the Abbot’s
valets.
Me: It’s not surprising that
creatures as small and quiet as this have managed to stay hidden for so long.
The
Doctor plans to use all this egg action to trace the transmitter.
Thonmi’s
been locked up with Victoria, but the chances are he hasn’t noticed this
yet. The two chat and Victoria starts
blabbing about time travel. Poor Thonmi
accepts this totally – but he has just been eating berries for the last few
months.
Me: I’m going to have to re-read
the Target novelisation.
Him: It’s the only way we’re
going to be able to understand what’s going on.
Me: They’ll certainly have to
clean up the audio for the IMAX release.
“What. A. Bee.
Yew. Tea. Full.
Voice.”5
The
Abbot returns to the monastery and slips in unnoticed. He has a ‘quick’ chat with Padmasambhava.
The
Doctor and Jamie are cornered by Yeti.
The Doctor tells Jamie to run while he hurls the egg in a different
direction. The Yeti flounce after it.
Back
in the monastery - Victoria ends up on the floor after firing a sonic blast. The first time we watched this I wasn’t sure
what had happened here. It turns out
she’s been poisoned by someone. Except
she hasn’t – it’s all a ruse and she escapes.
The
Abbot has called an extraordinary general meeting of the Pinters. The time has come to abandon monastery.
Him: The Yeti/Will get
ye/No/Matter/Where/ The Yeti/Will get ye/No/Matter/Where
Me: I used to know the story to
this…
Travers
returns, babbles and faints. There’s a
tumult of panic building. The Doctor and
Jamie head off to find Victoria.
Khrisong agrees to search as well, but won’t leave the monastery.
There
are mad noises as Padmasambhava chats first to the Abbot (who opens the gates)
and then his chess set.
Me: Now, I’m not so sure…
Victoria
enters the Sanctum and finally we get to see Padmasambhava himself.
 |
| Undead/Undead/Undead |
Me: That’s damn creepy, but I’m
not sure why.
Him: It’s Dracula.
Listen
to them, the credits of the night…
EPISODE FIVE
As the last two episodes had been a total
nightmare-
- we went hunting again. In
the usually infertile grounds of Daily Motion we come across an unexpected
oasis named recon_mission.
Me: This one’s actually got
narration.
We
recap. Suddenly it all makes sense.
Me: Right! So that’s
what’s going on.
Victoria
and Padmasambhava are finally introduced – in the distance no wolf howls. Remembering her manners, Victoria is very
polite to the aged gentleman.
Padmasambhava shows off his Yeti chess set and then, just as Victoria
starts to work out what’s what and who’s who, he hypnotises her.
As
Victoria stares blankly into the wall, Padmasambhava moves four of the Yeti
pieces to either the courtyard or the drawing room.
In
either the courtyard or the drawing room, the four full-size furry automatons
come lummoxing in, look around and then bounce off to find some Pinters to sit
on.
The
Doctor, Jamie and Thonmi are trying to get some sense out of Travers, which
seeing as he’s been up the Hills of Horror isn’t as easy as you’d hope.
Travers: Evil… A feeling of evil… Like a… shadow on my mind… I felt as though I was going to drown…
Me: Has there been any music?
Him: They didn’t have much music
back then.
Me: Not like now.
Him: “Itsa me! Murigold!”
On
this cue, the Yeti start trashing the monastery. They drop the Buddha on top of Rinchen before
heading back to Wales.
Me: Nasty.
Him: Ouch.
Padmasambhava
keeps on with the Yeti chess for a short while.
Pleased with how the game’s going, he decides it’s time to play his
Surprise Card. Padmasambhava beckons the
entranced Victoria to come closer.
The
Doctor and Jamie watch Thonmi draw on a wall.
Using maths, the Doctor plots the probable point of transmission. Travers recovers. His head’s a bit sore, but otherwise he feels
just dandy and has no memory of the things on the doorstep.
Khrisong
is apologising to the Abbot when the Pinters fall to their knees. Victoria appears, holding the ghanta and
speaking with Harold Pinter’s voice. It
loses something in reconstruction, to be fair.
Padmasambhava instructs the Pinters to leave. After some prayers.
Victoria
is reunited with our friends.
Victoria: Doctor, there is great
danger! You must take me away! Take me away!
Take me awaaaay!
Somehow, Jamie senses that something’s not
quite the ticket with Miss Waterfield.
Victoria: Doctor, there is great
danger! You must take me away! Take me away!
Take me awaaaay!
Khrisong
points out that Victoria might still be in a trance. Slowly, the puzzle begins to fall into
place. When the Doctor is told that he
knows Padmasambhava all the edge-pieces click together…
The
Pinters leave for a quick chant, and the Doctor tells Jamie to guard Victoria
while he goes to visit a very old friend.
Meanwhile,
the gloop in the cave has reached the entrance.
Finally,
the Doctor and Padmasambhava are reunited.
Back story is filled in…
Padmasambhava: Intelligence… Formless in space… I astral travelled…
The
Doctor: I
see. You made mental contact with this
intelligence.
Padmasambhava: (unintelligible) –controls my body…
Me: Very Lovecraft.
As the
Doctor tries to get information from Padmasambhava, his head slumps. The Doctor listens to his chest, but the old
fellow’s died.
 |
| Padmasambhava's dead |
The Doctor sadly leaves the Sanctum. And when
he’s gone…
 |
| Undead/Undead/Undead |
Jamie’s
watching Victoria stare at a wall.
Bored, he tries to get her attention by smashing a stool behind her.
Stool:
Bang!
Me: That was the wind-up moment
from the rehearsals. Mr Troughton and
Watling Senior dropped a massive load of things from the kitchen instead. It made a hell of a din and Debbie Watling
ended up lodged in the ceiling.
Him: That’d be really frightening.
Me: I’ll say.
The
Doctor returns, which reactivates Victoria.
Victoria: Doctor, there is great
danger! You must take me away! Take me away!
Take me awaaaay!
The
Doctor tries to break Victoria’s programming.
Victoria: Doctor, there is great
danger! You must take me away! Take me away!
Take me awaaaay!
The
Doctor manages to send Victoria into a slumber.
Hilariously, this affects Jamie as well.
The
Doctor explains to Jamie that the whole idea is to get them to leave, along
with the Pinters. He tries to
communicate with Victoria and walks her through the confusion until he manages
to break the hold. Victoria yawns and
stretches. On the narration, Frazer
Hines sounds delighted.
The
Doctor finds Travers watching the waiting Yeti on the hill. The two agree to head to Wales to see if they
can save the world. As they clamber up
the gentle slope, Travers starts to experience a growing sense of déjà vu. In front of them, the Yeti jerk to life and
move off. The Doctor suddenly realises
where (and who) the transmission must be coming from and rushes back to the
monastery.
Suddenly,
the veil on Travers’ memory lifts and it all comes flooding back, just like the
Great Intelligence spilling down the hill.
The
credits roll like a clumsy Yeti down a mountain. In reverse.
EPISODE SIX
Me: Nearly there.
Him: It’s alright. It’s just not moving.
We
recap. There’s a dreadful mess being
made of a hillside and the Doctor’s deduced that the Abbot must’ve taken the
pyramid into the cave. It’s brilliant.
The
Abbot is praying. Khrisong bursts in and
Padmasambhava addresses him directly, inviting him to come into the Sanctum. The Abbot reminds Khrisong that
weapons are not allowed in the Sanctum.
Khrisong hands his sword to the Abbot who kills him with it. Textbook move.
In
the Sanctum, Padmasambhava fights the Intelligence’s hold over him.
The
Doctor and Travers arrive to find the Abbot standing over Khrisong’s body. The Abbot lashes out but is overpowered and
carried off in a sack.
Padmasambhava: Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. (etc)
Me: It’s very Lovecraft.
The
Abbot is obviously possessed.
Thonmi: He was put in a trance by…
The Master!
The
Him chuckles.
Me: You can either have, ‘Not that one’ or ‘He said ‘Master’’, but you
can’t have both.
The
Pinters elect the Doctor as honorary boss.
Plans are hatched. The Doctor
talks to the Abbot as Travers wants to head back to the hill to kill the
sludge.
The
Abbot tells the Doctor that there’s a hidden room behind the throne in the Sanctum.
Meanwhile,
Padmasambhava’s brought out his board again.
Him: He’s been busy. In his free time he’s making more and more of
those Yeti models.
Travers
and Ralpachan watch nocturnal Yeti lumberings.
Our
chums are planning an assault.
Jamie: How do we get past
Padmathingmy?
The
Doctor notices that Travers is missing.
The
whole mountain’s pulsating.
Me: Look at that.
 |
| 'At the Mountains of Moistness' |
Travers
and Ralpachan return, only to find Yeti in the way. In the distance they see the lights of the
Pinter procession.
Our
chums make their way into the Sanctum.
The voice of Padmasambhava hisses challenging insults at the
Doctor. The Doctor enters the Sanctum
alone and the battle of minds is joined.
Seriously,
this bit is fantastic - Frazer Hines is getting well into it, which doesn't hurt.
A
trashing of the control room takes place.
Oop - here come the Yeti…
The
Doctor and Victoria try to focus their minds with chanting.
Me: Luke and Leia’s mum getting
a namecheck.
Him: But she’s dead.5
Padmasambhava
attacks Victoria as she tries to push the Yeti models over.
The Yeti
attack but Jamie smashes the large control egg and down they go. Travers rushes in and fires his rifle at
Padmasambhava who catches the bullets like a Republic Serial villain.
The
Doctor tells Jamie to destroy the pyramid, which he does. Padmasambhava’s unhappy about this -
Him: What a great noise.
- and
the mountain peak explodes
Me: Originally, Padmasambhava was supposed to melt, but
the effect was too gross.
Him: It’s a good thing that Dragonfire wasn’t made, then.
Me: I’m not touching that
comment.
Padmasambhava
dies. Properly this time.
Everything
wraps up slowly and our heroes prepare to leave. Travers offers to wander up the hill to the
TARDIS with our friends. Halfway there they find the
remains of a Yeti. Travers wonders if he
should take it back with-
Victoria: Doctor, look!
 |
| "SNOWBEAST!" |
Me: Yeti!
It’s
truly a real imaginary beast – what a day to be a cryptozoologist, eh? With a squawk, the real Yeti bounds away with
Travers in hot pursuit.
The
Doctor pulls out his recorder and the credits roll.
Me: Right. The
Abominable Snowmen. Thoughts?
Him: It was alright. I did actually like the one that moved. A lot.
Me: Yeah. The second episode was really good.
Him: D’you reckon they have it in
the BBC Studio Canteen?
Me: Ummm… I don’t think they do.
Him: But they have all the other
ones. They even have Shada.
They just say they didn’t finish it.
Me: What? They really finished it?
Him: Yeah.
Me: And just didn’t tell anyone?
Him: Yeah.
Me: To keep it as a big
surprise?
Him: Yeah. They watch it in the
BBC Studio Canteen, along with all the other old Troughtons and Hartnells.
Pause.
Me: So, do you think that the
Yeti should come back?
Him: I hope they look better if
they do. Rather than just men in fur
coats.
Me: Bit cuddly aren’t they?
Him: Yes. They’re not very threatening. I bet they’ve made a plush Yeti. They probably sell it in Forbidden Planet.
Me: Well, it was kind of the
plan, but we’ll talk about that when we get to The Web of Fear. The writers
would take the copyright on the monsters that they’d created, so of course a
lot of the writers are then purposefully trying to create the new Daleks.
Him: Right.
Me: Because Terry Nation,
basically, was living the life all writers aspire to and spending his days
going wrinkly in a champagne jacuzzi.
Him: Ha!
Me: So, because these people
were being commissioned from outside to write for the BBC they retained the copyright. So, Lincoln and Haisman-
Him: snore
Me: – who created the Yeti –
Him: Snore
Me: -were keen on keeping their
copyright.
Him: SNORE
Me: There’s a bit of a problem
later on-
Him: SNORE!
Me: Is this bit dull?
Him: Yes.
Me: Ok. So you don’t want me to tell you about this?
Him: No. Although, I’ll probably ask later on and
you’ll tell me. And then I won’t be able
to escape.
Me: Ha! Well, Quarks-
Me: Ha! Very good.
Quarks and Krotons – they were all attempts at the new Daleks. Because, we’ve already had the final Dalek
story.
Him: Yeah. It was the first one.
Me: Evil of the Daleks.
Him: ‘Evil of the Daleks’?
Me: Evil of the Daleks. “Cyberman of the Daleks”, that’s the one
I’m waiting for. Evil of the Daleks was supposed to be their final one, and that
left a pretty big gap for a marketable monster.
Him: Has there ever been a Doctor Who monster with a name that ends
in ‘arm’?
Me: That ends in ‘arm’?
Him: Uh-huh.
Me: Eldrad?
There
aren’t any cushions.
Me: Ow!
Him: No. Like ‘Zarm’ or ‘Garm’ or-
Me: Yeah. The Garm.
Him: ‘The Garm’?
Me: The Garm.
Him: What was ‘the Garm’?
Me: You keep asking me about the
Garm. It came up recently, in our first
Holiday Special.
Him: Who was the Garm?
Me: In Terminus, it was the big, shaggy dog that… turned things off.5
Him: Oh, the Garm!
Me: Yeah.
Him: So you could have ‘Quarks,
Angels and Garm’?
This
catches me by surprise and I’m out of action for a while. Eventually, I get it together.
Me: You built that up quite
nicely.
Him: I know.
Next: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
1. You’ll notice I didn’t
mention The Space Pirates there.
2. That’s a different joke to
the one that we don’t do any more.
3. To the tune of ‘Bela
Lugosi’s Dead’. Don’t pretend you don’t
know it.
4. “And the wheel turn round.”
5. Spoiler.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Si mon professeur de français me voyait, disait-elle, "Désactiver Google Translate, vous misérable créature!"
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