Monday 23 February 2015

The Nightmere of Dean


Memories are like stones, time and distance erode them like acid.
- Ugo Betti


The Eerie library needed some fast cash to pay for renovations, so some of the old books that were down in the library basement got sent to the World O'Stuff and put up for sale. We're talking old books, books that haven't seen the light of day for years.
- Marshall Teller 

Glorious New USB Recorder:  KAclick 


Me:  So… 

Him:  What makes you think it’s going to work this time? 

Me:  The fact I’ve set it to record.

Him:  You mean the first nine times…?

Me:  Ha!  I didn’t have it on.  That’s right.  So, the new series of Doctor Who, have you seen anything? 

Him:  No. 

Me:  Eerie, Indiana, do you like it? 

Him:  Yeah.  C’mon, let’s do the full conversation again.

Me:  Go on then. 

Him:  Right, okay.  You started off by saying, “Oh.  Have you seen the new Doctor Who links?”2  

Me:  Uh huh.  And you said, “No, I haven’t.” 

Him:  “Oh!  I will spoil them again and again for your unwitting delight.”

Me:  And then you said, “No!  No!  Please don’t!  Please!” 

Him:  And you said, “But I do it every year.  Even though I promise not to.  So this year I not bother promising not to.”

Me:  Ha!  And then you said, “Talk about Eerie, Indiana now.” 

Him:  “No.  I don’t think, I don’t think you said that.”

Me:  I think I did.  What is that accent?  It’s very good Australian.  I think it’s supposed to be Australian- 

Him:  “It’s you.”

Me:  It’s me?  It does sound a bit like me.  Right, so anyway.  Something something something spells something something Eerie, Indiana’s getting better than it used to be- 

Him:  No, no, no, ‘kay?  No.  You were saying, “Ah!  With every episode it get more CONFIdent.”

Me:  Ha!  I did. 

Him:  “And that mean that it get better.” 

Me:  Keep going. 

Him:  “We only have two episode left and, hopefully, it get even better from there.  And, uh…”

Me:  Keep going. 

Him:  And then I said, “Yes!  But are you going to start a petition to try and get it running again?”  And then you said, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  But that would be good idea.  But I not have ANY money.”

Me:  It’s true.  I am actually the Cookie Monster – nom nom nom - going through a bit of a crisis at the moment because you’re imaginary.  Ha!  “Delete cookie?”2

Him:  “This is true.”

Me:  I can’t remember [REMOVED AT LAWYER’S INSISTENCE] but most were quite good. 

Him:  “No, I remember.  They were ALL bad.”

Me:  Ha!

Him:  “And then you started to go on about the books and how it was a guilty pleasure and that you had been ordering the books.  And that the first book was-“ 

Me:  Where did it come from? 

Him:  “It came from Dean Hall School in the Forest of Dean, Deanland, Deansbury.”

Me:  That’s right, because then I said, “Sounds a bit like Doonesbury.”  And you said? 

Him:  “What's ‘Doonesbury’?”

Me:  That’s right, that’s right.  And I said, “Don’t worry.”  But then I said, “Forest of Dean?  Used to go there when I was littler.  Littler than I am now, because I’m still quite short-“ 

Him:  Yes, you are.

Me:  I am.  We had a caravan there.

Him:  The caravan was full of bears as I recall.

Me:  No, no – it was next to the forest, and the forest was full of bears and boars and bees and- 

Him:  Badgers and-

Me:  Bees. 

Him:  Bees and whatever those little things are called?  With the waffle tails?  And bison and buffalo and-

Me:  Beavers? 

Him:  Yes!  Beavers!

Me:  Ha!  And then I started going on about, “Oh, I remember Empire Strikes Back lollies and superhero lollies that came on white plastic sticks with different heroes on them for you to collect.  And, of course, at this time I wasn’t allowed to go into the forest, but it was compulsory for everyone to play Frisbee.”

Him:  Because Frisbee was one of the only two pastimes that you had back then.  For fun.  The other one was to go and watch the news on those little shop display TVs. 

Me:  That’s right, because that was the only way that anyone…  Back then, nobody could afford a television. 

Him:  That’s what the movies say.

Me:  Yeah. 

Him:  People’d walk past and they’d, “Gasp!  So that’s where I need to be!  I need to be saving the world there.”

Me:  In fact, that’s part of the reason why I didn’t watch Doctor Who so much when I was young, because when it was on on Saturdays, we’d go to the caravan and, of course…  Only people who could afford to not have to go on holiday in a caravan had tellies in their caravans.  I remember reading Nightmare of Eden and The Horns of Nimon.

Him:  Oh – you had the anagram of ‘Dean’.

Me:  That’s right. 

Him:  Nightmare of Dean.

Me:  Nightmare of Dean. 

Him:  If you change it to Nightmere of Dean, then it’s perfect.

Me:  This is before I became vegetarian, 'cause I ate those two wasps. 

Him:  You just did that for fun.  The first you ate, you were, “Oh!  Is wasp!”  And then you picked it up and ate it.  You were taken to hospital for, like, three days. 

Me:  Ha!  It’s true.

Him:  And when you came back – after they’d finally managed to get the swelling down – because you weren’t allowed to go to sleep- 

Me:  When I could swallow again, yeah. 

Him:  They had to keep you awake just in case you choked in your sleep.

Me:  Ha!  Uh-huh.

Him:  And then, when you finally got home, you went, “Oh!  Is wasp!”  And ate another one.

Me:  They’re very moreish.  Anyway, something something something something- Oh!  I get to mention Curt Swan’s Superman, but no-one’ll understand why.3  In the field that we were in – because it was basically just a caravan, a water pump and in the distance there were toilet/shower blocks, which were quite exciting to hide behind the back of, err…  I can’t remember why.  There were some ruins nearby that I used to make-  I’d not long been to see Clash of the Titans and I used to get very excited…  That’s where I discovered that I was immune to stinging nettles- 

Him:  What’s Clash of the Titans got to do with the ruins?

Me:  I’ll explain later.  I’d forgotten about all of this until you got the book.  Now, in this field…
In this field, there was a tree
And on that tree there was a bird
And on that bird there was a flea
And on that flea there was another flea
And on that flea there was another flea
And on that flea there was another flea
And on that flea
There stood
A flea


In that field, there was a tree
And on that tree there was a bird
And on that bird there was a flea
And on that flea there was another flea
And on that flea there was another flea
And on that flea there was another flea
And on that flea
There stood
  A flea 

Me:  And on that bombshell. 

Him:  What’s written on the bombshell? 

Me:  ‘Bad Wolf’.  We’re back!

Glorious New USB Recorder:  kaCLICK 
1.  This is the latest in an endless series of unexpected commissions.  And when I say ‘unexpected’, I mean unexpected by the people who’ve ended up having to look after them.  This Axon’s victim is the marvelous Kev J.  Kev’s been hugely encouraging, generous, supportive and really rather wonderful for a long time.  The full ‘finished’ version can be seen on our Deviant Art page. Here's Kev's blog.

3.  The campsite’s shop used to stock copies of ex-ballast Marvel and DC, but the only comic I remember getting from here with any clarity was a Curt Swan illustrated issue of Superman, featuring Bizarro.  After the caravan was towed to a field next to a massive house, copies of Scream! started turning up.  But that’s a story for another book…

4.  To the tune of this.  You already knew that, didn’t you?

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