The Daleks' Master Plan: Escape Switch

THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN:  ESCAPE SWITCH

The Him’s bored of Daleks and as a consequence, to the tune of the Doctor Who theme, I’m listening to:

Him:  Da-Daleks/Da-Daleks/ Da-Daleks/Da-Daleks/ Da-Daleks/Da-Daleks/

And then:

Him:  Are bor-ing/Are bor-ing/Here they are/In twelve parts/In-twelve-parts

We recap.  The Doctor (and the Monk’s mutilated remains) can’t be found anywhere.  Sara tries the TARDIS door.

Me:  Careful or you’ll open it by accident.

Monk From the Mummy's Tomb lobby card.

The crypt again creaks and the hand of a Mummy reaches out – followed by the moaning monster itself.  Steven dives across and begins unwrapping.  Turns out it’s the Monk.

The Daleks have noticed that the time’s up and once again their taranium battery isn’t to hand.  Mavic Chen is getting a bit annoyed at their constant moaning. 

Dalek:  SI-LENCE!

The rest of the Daleks are ordered to leave the ship and kill every damn thing.  Mavic Chen strikes a Boba Fett pose and shouts down the Dalek’s eyestalk before shoving it out of the way.

Me:  Ooops.

I like the idea that, after this moment of idiocy on the Guardian of the Solar System’s part, the Countdown Dalek commences a new job quietly in the background.  After all, it can only be a matter of time now.

In the tomb, Sara, Steven and the Monk are talking over each other.  It’s ace.  The surviving episodes lift the story, giving it a real sense of what it might be like if we had the missing episodes.  Way stations in a desert of recons.

Me:  Do you like the Monk?

Him:  He’s odd.

Me:  ‘He’s odd’?

Him:  Yeah.

Almost everyone’s trying to find the Doctor.  Steven and Sara holler at the top of their lungs.  The Monk offers a muffled shout. 

Me:  Amusing though.

The Monk’s almost the only thing in the whole story (The Feast of Steven doesn’t count, remember?8) that’s played less than deadly serious, it makes a big difference. 

Having followed the shouting, Mavic Chen and the Daleks are reunited.  This is unfortunate for Sara and Steven, but at least this time they aren’t tied up.  And in fairness, the Monk saves them both from extermination.  Mavic Chen suggests (with a bit of Monkish prodding) that they could swap the companions for the taranium.

Mavic Chen:  Yes…  That could work.  The Doctor’s loyalty to his friends is beyond question.

Me:  Susan being family, and Katarina arriving pre-doomed and therefore being more of an acquaintance.

Him:  I feel really ill.

Me:  I think it’s boredom.

Him:  No – really.

Me:  It’s just Dalek Fatigue.

It was Dalek Fatigue.

Dalek:  TAKE-THEM-BACK-TO-THE-TIME-MA-CHINE!

Disposable Dalek:  I-O-BEY!

Him:  Do you think that’s the Obeying Dalek?

Me:  Almost certainly.

The Daleks have really started to take charge of the situation now.  The Monk is ordered to return with them.  He gives Mavic Chen a desperate look – it’s another wonderful moment.

Our Egyptian friends are awaiting the return of Hyksos.

The sun beats down and, in a moment that you’d never guess happened from the audio, there’s a cross-fade to the reflection of a Dalek dome.  Magnificent.

Me:  That was clever.

Him:  Why is there a massive Dalek in the sky?

My turn for a sigh.

The Daleks have brought a PA system with them – range “SE-VEN-EARTH-MI-LES!”

Dalek:  MA-VIC-CHEN-CAN-ISSUE-THE-ULT-I-MAT-UM!

Him:  I thought they were after taranium?

The Obeying Dalek’s really getting some job satisfaction.

Steven, Sara and the Monk have been stood together (but not tied up).  The Daleks, obviously having had enough of all this footling about, are actually guarding their prisoners.  The Monk tries to lift everyone’s spirits with a song.

Steven:  Don’t you think you’ve done enough?

The Monk’s upset by this.

The Monk:  You actually think I meant what I said to the Daleks?  My dear fellow, this was a desperate gamble, risking my own life to save yours.

Steven:  We can trust him about as much as we can trust the Daleks.

The Monk:  You mean my performance was that good?  I knew I had to fool the Daleks, but I thought that you would see through it.

Sara:  He could be telling the truth, Steven.

Him:  ‘””COULD-BE-TELL-ING-THE-TRUTH’-A-BOUT-WHAT?!-IS-THERE-SOME-THING-YOU-WOULD-LIKE-TO-SHARE-WITH-THE-REST-OF-US?!”

Taking the microphone, Mavic Chen addresses Egypt.

Him:  Where’s the Doctor?  Is he on holiday?

The Doctor, somewhere nearby, listens to the announcement. 

Him:  No.  He’s quite obvious really.

Our Egyptian friends hear the Voice of the Gods as well, but can’t make head nor tail of it.

 

Me:  So they couldn’t understand what Mavic Chen was saying?

Him:  No.

Me:  Oh, he’s a wrong ‘un.

The Doctor greets the Daleks and Mavic Chen.

The Doctor:  Where are they?  WHERE ARE THEY?

Him: (mock whisper)  “TRY-AND-MAKE-THEM-LOOK-STILL-ALIVE!-UMM!

“‘IT-IS-ME-DOC-TOR!-YOUR-FRIEND-STU-ART!’

“SEE?!-I-TOLD-YOU-WE-NEED-ED-TO-KNOW-THEIR-NA-MES!”

The Doctor is shown his friends and agrees to hand over the taranium core – but only on his terms.  It’s a great showdown.

Dalek:  WE-COULD-EX-TER-MIN-ATE-YOU-NOW!

Him:  So, why don’t you?

The Doctor:  But then you would never get back the taranium core, would you, now?

Him:  Yes, they would.

The Him’s getting quite annoyed.

The Doctor bargains.  He’ll return the taranium, if his friends (and the Monk) are released unharmed.  Mavic Chen and one Dalek to come to the west angle of the Great Pyramid.  The Dalek considers.

In memory of Cuddles.

Me:  “YEAH-AL-RIGHT!”

After the Doctor has gone, the Daleks hatch a plan.

Dalek:  ONE-DA-LEK-IS-CAP-ABLE-OF-EX-TER-MIN-A-TING-ALL!

Musical sting:  PARP!

Him:  Not Abslom Daak.

The Egyptian resistance are preparing to strike.

The Doctor takes the taranium core from the TARDIS, sighs and leaves.

Him:  “DO-YOU-WANT-TO-DANCE-WITH-ME-MA-VIC-CHEN?!”

Following this comment, I’m in fits to the point where I have to pause the DVD.

Me:  Superb.  ‘The Dalek Dances’.

Steven warns the Monk not to try any funny business.

The Monk:  Funny business?  Me?

Him:  Breaking the fourth wall again.

Me:  Well spotted.

The resistance gather.

Next to the pyramid the Daleks bring their prisoners forward.

Him:  There’s only supposed to be one Dalek.  They’re breaking the rules here.

Me:  They are the most evil species in the galaxy.  They probably cheat at Monopoly as well.

The Doctor is furious.

The Doctor:  I said ONE Dalek!

Him:  I thought that was an error.

The release of the hostages goes ahead.  Mavic Chen joins the Doctor and waits for the core.  The Doctor hands over the core and legs it just as, coincidentally, the Egyptians attack the Daleks.

Him:  I don’t think that their point-ed sticks will do much damage.

Me:  Famous part of Egyptian history this.

Back in the tomb our heroes are reunited.  The Doctor isn’t happy.

The Doctor:  I had to hand the real taranium core over to Magic Mavic Chen.

Him:  Why was he not called ‘Magic Chen’?  It’s a much better name.

Me:  I think Terry N was fond of Mavic Chen.

Him:  Why?

Me:  Because it’s one of the names that he specifically requested not be changed.

Him:  I prefer ‘Magic Chen’.

Me:  They’re in trouble now.

The Doctor reveals he’s lifted the directional unit from the MARDIS.  With that they can finally steer TARDIS.  The Doctor reveals that the MARDIS is now disguised as the TARDIS, and so the Daleks’ll be after him instead.

The Monk returns to his MARDIS and panics a little.  Pursuit Daleks arrive and the Monk dives inside and dematerialises.

Daleks: COM-BINED-FIRE!

Him:  It’s not done anything in the past.

Mavic Chen and the Daleks are having a little party.

Mavic Chen:  The operation was a complete success.  I have the taranium here.

DALEK:  YOU-HAVE-DONE-WELL!

Me:  One of them needs oiling.

Him:  It’s a door

On the TARDIS our friends prepare for the final push.

Him:  Is Sara flying the TARDIS?

Me:  While Steven auditions for Boba Fett.

Him:  “Take us back to Kembel!”

The Doctor admits that he might have miscalculated the compatibility of the directional unit.  There’s a possibility it’ll blow up.

The Daleks have set course for Kembel. 

The Monk has found himself trapped in stock footage of a polar region.

Me:  Ooo.

Him:  Must be Oceanus.

Me:  Frigidus.

The Monk appears doomed to have to wander the universe (like the Doctor used to).  He’s fuming.

The Monk:  I’ll get you for this, Doctor!  I’ll get you one day!

On the TARDIS a cliff-hanger approaches.

Him:  Pull the switch!

Steven does.

Whiteout!

Him:  That’s a weird ending.

Me:  You were quite vocal in that one.

8.  Oh, alright.  And the Test Match.