Tuesday 12 June 2012

The Underwater Menace

 Supposing you found out that everything you thought was completely right. Wouldn't that be scarier?
- Lawrence Miles

And then the next thing you know…


Me:  Well, I had promised you revelations about David Bowie for this one.  Unfortunately, after literally minutes of research, I haven’t been able to turn up anything to back it up.  Nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing.


Me:  Tra.  La.  La. 1

Him:  I’m going to fall asleep.

Me:  Is that a good idea?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  That’ll leave me in total control.

Him:  Yeah.  And I won’t have to say anything, so anything you write won’t have been said by me after this point.  Isn’t that right? 2

Me:  Wibble.

After a moment to fire up Youtube – here - we’re off.

It’s a precap.  A Scottish glen.  The TARDIS is opened up and Jamie boards…

Okay, now we’re off.

Him:  Isn’t this meant to be terrible?

Me:  I think we’ve got to watch it with open minds.  And lots of cake.

Him:  Mmmmmm…  Cake.

As Anneke Wills continues her able narration, I forget to remind the Him that he’s met her.  I’ll have to watch that as we’re running out of opportunities to do so.

Me:  And this is the moment Jamie goes insane.

The TARDIS flies on into the velvet mysteries of time and space.  Jamie’s a bit baffled, but not obviously round the twist.

Ben:  It’s a machine, my old ‘aggis, that’ll take us away from Scotland forever.

Him:  ‘My old haggis’?

Me:  Yup, that just happened.

Ben and Polly explain that the TARDIS could be going anywhere and anywhen.  Perhaps it might have been fairer to mention this slightly troubling fact to Jamie before he signed up.  The Doctor starts quoting Robert Burns.

Jamie:  Eh?  Who’s Robert Burns?

Him:  I wish people still said that.

After this expository fluffage, the TARDIS is landing.

Polly:  Don’t be scared, Jamie.  It’s all right.  Really.

Me:  “But, when I say ‘land, I actually mean ‘crash’.”

As our heroes stand by to land we’re treated to an interesting (and unexpected) insight into the thoughts of each.
Polly:  Please let it be Chelsea, 1966.

Ben:  I hope it’s the Daleks, I don’t think.

Him:  “This never happened when we had Daleks.”

The Doctor:  Prehistoric monsters…

Us:  Arf!

Me:  That’s what I’d be thinking.

Jamie:  I’ve always dreamed of visiting Glasgow.

Him:  It doesn’t matter.  Jamie’s not going to remember it anyway.

Me:  So you’re betting on Glasgow then?

Him:  No.

Me:  Well, my money’s on Innsmouth, so it’s all much of a muchness.

The TARDIS lands.  There’s a wonderful moment of prime Troughton and then everyone ventures forth into the unknown.

Turns out it’s Rhyl.

Him:  The Rills?

Me:  They were recovered around the same time, but no.  It’s Rhyl.

The location guessing continues.

The Doctor:  Alright then.  Where are we?

Polly:  Cornwall.

Ben:  You said that last time.

Polly:  And I was right.

In the grand scheme of things (that is to say, on a galactic level) Culloden Moor is indeed found in Cornwall.  Or near enough as to make no difference.4

Me:  It’d be grim if the TARDIS just kept landing in Cornwall.  Although, Idris did seem inclined to spend a fair whack of time on the Powell Estate later on.

The Doctor say he doesn’t know where they are, but it’s definitely not Britain.

Polly:  How can you tell?

The Doctor points out the volcanic rock that’s all over the place, making a right mess.

Me:  “And of course this giant statue of Dagon over here.  Must be the Pacific.”

Ben, Polly and Jamie clamber towards the imaginary giant statue of Dagon, which happens to be atop an extinct volcano.  The Doctor stays on the beach collecting rocks that might well have served as companions after Sarah left, if only Tom Baker had played the continuity card.

Him:  There’s never been an Irish companion.

Me:  Sea-horses are weird.

Halfway up the extinct volcano our heroes stop for some mint cake.  Polly admits that she’s beginning to see things. 

Polly:  Look, there it is again.

Me:  “That tentacled abomination there.”

Him:  “Like a squid”.

Ben and Jamie disappear up the slope.  Polly’s knackered and has a rest.  And some more mint cake.

Anneke Wills:  It is now clear that they are on a chain of islands, although some of these are little more than big rocks.

Me:  You could say that about any island.

Polly spots a cave mouth and has a look.  On the floor she finds a carved bracelet.

Me:  See?  Dagon worship’s taking place here.  They should leave.

An amorphous shadow falls across Polly’s grabbing hand and she screams.

Ben:  That’s Polly!

Me:  “I’d recognise those lungs anywhere.”

Him:  Can you imagine if the islands they can see are just the tips of the spines of a giant sea-hedgehog?

Me:  I thought you didn’t know much about this one?

Him:  Is it really about a giant sea-hedgehog?

Me:  Yeah.  Called Dagon.

Ben and Jamie rush back down to the cave.

The Doctor find some pieces of recent pottery in a rock pool.

Ben and Jamie are captured, but Ben manages to stay conscious.  They're plopped into a cage that’s hanging over a pit.  Polly’s there already.  She’s been tied up.  Seconds later the Doctor joins them.  There’s no messing around with extraneous moments in this story.

The cage is lowered and the Doctor manages to untie Polly.  Nitrogen gets an honorary mention, our heroes pass out and the cage lands.

Two guards, dressed like the beach, pop our friends onto padded recovery benches.  Slowly our heroes awake.  I resist the urge to mention Unknown Kadath.  Jamie, in a probably unintentional nod to Katarina, wonders if this is the afterlife.

Ben:  You’re not dead, you just got a touch of the sub-mariners, that’s all.

Me:  “We’ll ‘ave Namor o’ that, Ben.” 

Polly reveals that they’re in about 1970.  She produces the bracelet she found earlier.

The Doctor:  Interesting.  Aztec.  Fake of course.

Me:  Barbara’d know.

Him:  Thinking of Barbara again?

Me:  Not since I got distracted.

Him:  This still Barbara’s dream is it?

Me:  Yeah.

A trident, with a guard attached, suggests it’s time for our chums to leave the makeshift decompression chamber.  They are taken to a dining room where Ara, a serving girl, is setting out plates of food.  Without waiting for anyone to say grace, or thank Dagon for this bounteous bounty, the Doctor tucks in.

Polly:  I’ve never seen him go for food like this before.  It’s usually hats.

Me:  Ha!

The Doctor reveals that the food’s made up mostly of plankton.

Me:  It’s sushi.

Suddenly, music announces itself.

Anneke Wills:  The Doctor hurriedly swallows his food as a striking figure in splendid robes sweeps into the room.

Him:  “Holding a big fish.”

Me:  “That’s status that is, Son.  Can’t argue with a big fish.”

We’re introduced to Ramo, who not only speaks English but has also been waiting for our friends to turn up.

Ramo:  The Living Goddess Amdo Hears And Sees All.

Me:  ‘Amdo’’s actually Dagon’s Sunday name.

Him:  “Not Dagon.  Yetaxa.”

Me:  Ha!

Amdo’s told Ramo that our chums would drop from the sky in time for the Festival of the Vernal Equinox.  The Him disagrees with the pronunciation of equinox at this point.

The Doctor:  And just what part are we to play in this ‘Festival of the Vernal Equinox'?

Ramo:  A…  Very Important Part…

Me:  “Starters!”

The guards take all bar the Doctor away to be garnished.

The Doctor:  What I have to say concerns a certain Professor Zaroff.

Me:  Atlantis’ guiltiest secret.

Him:  ‘Gill’?  As in gill-ty?  Is it the Fish People then?

Me:  Ouch.

Him:  So, this sacrifice…  Are they going to use a gill-otine?

Me:  No more!  I’ll talk!

The Doctor reveals that he recognises Zaroff’s recipe for plankton, and writes a swift note that Ramo should pass on to this intriguing fellow.  Ara comes back in and offers to deliver the note.

Elsewhere, descriptions that’ll be found wanting if this episode ever escapes are being spoken..

Anneke Wills:  The Festival of the Vernal Equinox is to be held in a vast temple.  A cavernous space hewn from the bedrock, its vaulted roof supported by ornately carved pillars.

Me:  ‘Hewn’.  That’s a lovely word, but you only ever hear it in conjunction with old stones.  ‘Cyclopean’’s a fun word too.  And ‘eldritch’. 3

Anneke Wills:  The scene is dominated by a gigantic stone idol, a likeness of the goddess Amdo-

Me:  They keep getting Dagon’s name wrong.

Anneke Wills:  - her face a hybrid of woman and fish.

This comment sets the Him off.

Our heroes are to be strapped to a stone starfish that’s doubling as an over-complicated sacrificial altar.  Chanting occurs.

Dagonites:  Ph’nglui mglw’nafh/Cthulhu R’lyeh/Wgah’nagl/Fhtagn

Ara’s rushing to deliver the note.

Below the sacrificial starfish is long drop that concludes with an awful lot of water, filled in turn with an awful lot of sharks.  This is a dramatic moment, proven by:

Dudley Simpson (for it is he):  PARP!

This sets us both off.

Him:  Did you see the shark?

Me:  I did.

Our chums are arranged.  The Doctor is led to the dais.  I manfully avoid making the ‘obvious’ ex machina reference.  Go me.

Him:  This is alright.

Elsewhere, Zaroff’s note is delivered via Damon, Zaroff’s highly-eyebrowed assistant.

Back in the temple, the drama’s rising.

Dudley Simpson (for it is he):  PARP!

Him:  Was that the shark again?

Me:  No, just Dudley.

Bungs are removed from large jars, which starts the sacrificial starfish’s arms (or are they legs?) to lift.   The High-Priest overseeing this is a gentleman named Lolem.

Me:  I’m fairly sure that’s Cyril Bunter.4

Somewhere else, Damon hands Zaroff the note.  

Him:  So, does that mean the Doctor’s first name begins with ‘w’?  Or is it actually ‘Doctor Who’?2

Me:  That’s the question.  The oldest question.4

Back in the temple, our heroes are starting to slide down the legs (or are they arms?) towards a damp and toothy doom.  Zaroff arrives and interrupts the fun.  We’re both a bit awed by Joseph Furst, it has to be said.

The Doctor is released.  Zaroff demands to know what information the Doctor has.  The Doctor insists that his friends are released in return for the secret information he has in his head.  Or, possibly, his hat.  This ruse works.

The Doctor congratulates Zaroff on the reports of death turning out to be a fictitious conclusion to his biography.

Zaroff:  Bwah ha ha ha ha!  Ze vhole vorld bilived I had been kidnapped!

The Doctor:  And now, here you are, the greatest scientific genius since Leonardo, under the sea.

The Him takes this as a cue to burst into musical Disneying.

The Doctor reveals it’s all been a bluff and there’s no secret.  Zaroff threatens to have the Doctor fed to his pet octopus.  And as it’s probably German, could this be what happened to Clever Hands after the debacle of the World Cup?  No, no it isn’t, because as the recently escaped Episode Two reveals, there isn’t really an octopus.  It’s just Zaroff’s little joke.

Zaroff:  I, too, haf zenz of humour!  I need men like you!  Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ben and Jamie are taken away to be turned into miners.  Damon’s decided that Polly would make an excellent farmer.  He opens a shutter to reveal what appears to be an endless aerial ballet, but is in fact marine agriculture at its most efficient.

Polly:  How do they breathe?

Damon:  We give them plastic gills.

There’s a bit of banter and then Damon drops a conversational firecracker.

Damon:  I’m glad you’re taking it lightly.  Some people get most upset when they find they’re to have the operation.

Polly:  You’re not turning me into a fish!

The Doctor is trying to work out where they are.  I’m fairly sure that Zaroff quotes Plato at him.

The Doctor:  We’re in the ancient kingdom of Atlantis?!

Me:  That sounded pretty flexible to me.

Zaroff reveals that in return for being allowed to carry out his scientific work, he’s promised the Dagonites that he’ll raise Atlantis above the sea.  At that moment Ara runs up and tells the Doctor that Polly’s about to undergo gillification.

Back in the operating theatre and Polly’s got quite upset.  A syringe is produced…

Me:  Movement!

The censor clips pull us to the edge of the cliffhanger.

Me:  I wonder.  That means that episode would’ve ended on a different cliffhanger in Australia.  With Zaroff and the Doctor having a chat, perhaps?

It would have been Ara telling the Doctor that Polly was about to undergo gillification, trivia fans.


Me:  This is one we’ll have to do again when it finally escapes the BBC canteen.

Him:  Yes.

We recap.  Polly’s still being gilled.

Back in Zaroff’s lab the Doctor is listening to a dubious ‘explanation’ of how Atlantis is still about.  The Doctor humours Zaroff whilst using wire cutters to try and cut off the fuses to the operating room.

There’s another censor clip.  The lights flicker.  Damon interrupts the procedure to go and sulk creepily at someone.

The Doctor and Zaroff continue swapping banter.  Sadly, there’s a snippet of erroneous narration here:

Anneke Wills:  Zaroff gazes fondly at his pet octopus in its tank.

Paul the Psychic Octopus had enjoyed his retirement up until now.

Him:  Does it have a name?

Me:  L’il Cthulhu.

Him:  Did you just make that up?


Me:  No.

Damon arrives and complains that he can’t do a gillification in the dark.

Elsewhere, following a total power cut, Polly is rescued by Ara.

The Doctor has been rumbled.  Damon flounces off, leaving the Doctor and Zaroff to share an uncomfortable moment.

Polly is led through the tunnels by Ara.

Zaroff and the Doctor discuss the impossibility of the lifting of Atlantis.  A model is produced.  Zaroff pulls a sink plug and water, representing the ocean, drains away.

Zaroff:  Zimple!

Him:  “Becauze I’m zecretly ein Zybermensch.”

Me:  It would explain his plan.

Him:  Where’s the ocean going to go?

Zaroff’s octopus gets fed.2

The Doctor tries to get a handle on Zaroff’s plan.  The water drains into a massive hole in the Earth’s crust, this’ll turn it into steam and the resulting science will destroy everything.  But, on the plus-side, Zaroff’ll have fulfilled his brief of lifting Atlantis.

"I'm ein geniuz!  Ja, I am!"

The Doctor:  Just one small question.  Why do you want to blow up the world?

Me:  “You mentalist!”

Zaroff:  Ze deschtrucion ov ze vorld!  Ze schientizt’z dream ov zupreme power!

Elsewhere, Ben and Jamie have been introduced to fellow miners Jacko and Sean.

Me:  There’s the Irish almost-companion.

Following some tickling from the guards, Sean produces a compass and a plan for escape.

Damon returns to see Zaroff.  He’s a bit sulky about Polly’s escape.  The Doctor takes two test tubes and mixes the contents producing a disco.  In the confusion, he escapes.

Ara and Polly reach the temple.  Polly hides in Dagon’s face.

Back in the mines, Ben’s gone off sushi.  Loudly.  Further details of the escape are revealed and:

Dudley Simpson (for it is he):  BOOOOP!  BOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!

Ben, Jamie and our new chums embark on their escape.

Elsewhere, the Doctor is in hiding.  He takes the opportunity to try on a hat.

Me:  He didn’t say it.

Him:  Say what?

Me:  “I would like a hat like that.”

Him:  Why didn’t he say it?

Me:  I think the production team had started toning the Doctor down a bit.  The point had been made that this was all going to be very different and the production team had already sort of found their voice and their feet.  Of course, we are playing for much higher stakes than the last story, so that might explain the clowning reduction.

Ara and the Doctor bump into each other.  Ara reveals that Polly’s okay.  They hide as Ramo and Damon enter.

Ramo:  What Does Zaroff Think About It All?

Damon:  He’s furious, of course.

Me:  “So there’s been no observable change.”

The Doctor manages to arrange a meeting with Ramo.

Ben, Jamie, Sean, Jacko and some bad jokes are making good their escape.

The Doctor and Ramo find Polly.  The Him’s a little bit distracted and is reading the comments under johnnyfanboy’s video.

Him:  Hang on.  He’s going to remove this when it’s released.

Me:  You mean: ‘when it escapes’.

Him:  But why?  He’s worked hard on this.

Me:  Yeah, but it’ll have no reason to exist when the original’s obtainable.

Him:  But people might still want to see what it was like before it was around.

Me:  You could write him a letter.

Him:  And you could send him an email.

Me:  That reminds me.  We were mentioned by Lawrence Miles.  Well, sort of.

Him:  And why was that?

Me:  We favourited one of his tweets and I think he thought we were being sarcastic, even though it wasn’t meant to be.  Quoting Ogron dialogue from an ancient Doctor Who weekly back-up strip as a reply probably didn’t help our case though. 

Me:  Oddly enough, the quote I’d picked for this story was in place before all that happened.

Him:  Sure it was.

Me:  It was.

Him:  I believe you.

Me:  I’m telling the truth.

Him:  Uh-huh.

Me:  I am.

Him:  Florm yorm.


Me:  What?

Him:  ‘Florm.  Yorm.’  Means ‘yes, yes’.  In Himese.  It’s a traditional greeting.

Me:  I liked ‘gruntoglyph’, I have to be honest.

Back in the temple, the Doctor’s destroying pottery as a symbolic representation of Zaroff’s plan.  It’s marvellous and seems to convince Ramo.

Elsewhere, Ben and chums are still escaping.

Ramo returns with a garment for the Doctor.

Me:  Back on the cloaks.

Anneke Wills:  But the Doctor is more taken with the elaborate headdress.

Me:  Normality restored.

Jamie is on a ledge. 

Ben:  Don’t worry about us, just cling on!

Him:  ‘Klingon’?

Me:  No.

There’s a dramatic moment in which Jamie isn’t written out.

Back in the temple, Polly’s being rude about Dagon when Ben, Jamie, Sean and Jacko turn up and it’s chums reunited all round.

Ramo has arranged an audience with Thous, King of Atlantis, for the Doctor.

Dudley Simpson (for it is he):  OMMMMMMMMINNNNNNNNNNOUSSSSSSS!

Him:  “It’s Thursday, so it’s Scary Organ night.”5

The Doctor tries to talk sense to Thous, pointing out that the King could do worse than check out THE MAD EYES OF ZAROFF the next time they’re having a chat.  Might these be a bad sign?

The Doctor:  He’s mad as a hatter

Him:  Back with the hats.

Thous says he’ll think about it.

Thous thinks about it and reveals his decision.  It’s not good and as a result Zaroff and his scowl arrive at more or less the same time as the credits.


Me:  Oo.  It’s been ages since we had subtitles.

Him:  It’s been ages since I’ve seen a moving episode.

Me:  Twelve episodes.  That’s quite a while.

We recap.  Zaroff arrives and, as a result, Ramo and the Doctor are taken away.  After this, Thous stares at THE MAD EYES OF ZAROFF.  Somewhere, a penny drops.

It’s back to chanting and the temple for another unsuccessful sacrifice.  This one goes wrong when Amdo speaks.

Dagon:  Let no human eye witness this awful moment…

Me:  Now, if I was being uncharitable…

The Doctor:  I know that voice.

Him:  “It’s the voice of Amdo.”

The Doctor and Ramo escape into Dagon’s face and meet up with our, now rather large, group of chums.

In a kingly bit of Atlantis, Zaroff and Thous are having a chat.  Thous keeps glancing at THE MAD EYES OF ZAROFF.

Thous:  We shall surprise the whole of mankind!

Me:  I’ll say.

Lolem comes in, delighted at this sudden improvement in his case for the existence of Gods.

Zaroff’s neither convinced nor happy.

Lolem:  May the wrath of Amdo engulf you!

Zaroff:  I’ll take my chance!

Me:  I’m going to commit a tiny heresy here:  I’m enjoying this.  It’s not as bad as I remember.  Watching this episode in context doesn’t hurt either.  Zaroff’s over the top, but he’s supposed to be.

Inside Dagon, the Doctor’s come up with a plan.  If the Fish People were to go on strike then Atlantis would be in trouble. 

Sean:  It’ll take a great gift of the gab to win over the Fish People.

Doctor:  You are Irish, aren’t you?

Him:  He is Irish.

Me:  I told you that.

While industrial action is being agitated for by Sean and Jacko, everyone else is going to kidnap Zaroff.

Me:  Oh yeah.  Then it all goes mad.

In a musical marketplace everyone’s changed their clothes in preparation for Zaroffnapping.

Him:  What’s the other one set in Atlantis?  Fury the Deep?6

Me:  No.  The Time Monster.

Him:  Where’s Fury the Deep6 set?

Me:  Rhyl.

Him:  Is it?


Me:  Yeah.

Him:  Really?

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  Seriously?

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  That’s one-hundred percent true, is it?

Me:  No.

Him:  Ninety-nine percent?

Me:  Yeah.2

The Doctor plays the recorder to pass the time.

Me:  There was some gentle scene-stealing from the supporting artists in the background just then.

Polly hides in a carpet that guards then stab with a trident.

Him:  “Why is there blood coming out of this carpet, Old Woman?”

Polly’s fine.  Nothing happens for ages and then Zaroff spots the Doctor who runs off.

Me:  That was an awful lot of padding there.

There’s chaos in the marketplace, Zaroff follows the Doctor and Dudley Simpson (for it is he) properly goes to town right about here.

Zaroff finds Ramo and the Doctor-

Him:  “Rrrrrrrrrenegade prrrrrrrrriest!”

-and gets stolen.

Sean’s busy insulting the Fish People into striking.  After throwing shells at him, the Fish People agree to give it a go.

Me:  I can see this plan backfiring

Him:  They’ll run out of food won’t they?

Me:  Yeah.

There’s a lot of bubbling.

Me:  The Fish People appear to communicate through farts.

Him:  That’s not how they communicate!  It’s ‘trilling, bubbling sounds’.

Me:  Like a fart in a bath then?

Madness occurs.  For ages.

Me:  And then the Fish People celebrate the oncoming revolution by holding an aerial ballet.

Him:  They’re kind of creepy aren’t they?

Me:  There’s a picture of these lovelies that used to make you trill bubbles of pure terror.

As the ballet concludes we head back to see how Zaroff’s coping with captivity.  He reveals that the reactor’s active due to the fission ignition and then collapses.

Dudley Simpson (for it is he):  PARP!

Subtitles:  (FANFARE)

Me:  Hardly.

The Doctor, Ben and Jamie run off to thwart Zaroff’s machinations.  It turns out that Zaroff was bluffing.

Me:  I didn’t see that coming.

Him:  You’d have to be pretty stupid not to.

Ramo gets speared and Zaroff runs off with Polly.  Ramo manages to find our heroes.  It’s not hard as they’ve only gone about ten feet and put on some fish masks.

Him:  He’s not bleeding very well.

Me:  Children’s show.

Him:  It’s not a children’s show.

Zaroff and Polly are intercepted by Jamie.  There’s a fight and Zaroff escapes.

Zaroff arrives in the King’s chamber, shoots Thous and mounts a coup.

Me:  Here it comes…  Here it comes…

Iconic moment #145

Us:  Yay!

Following this wonderful moment we’re introduced to the credits.

Him:  I didn’t ‘yay’.

Me:  That’s odd.  It sure looks like you did.


Me:  Back on the recons.

We recap.  Zaroff seems less ‘enthused’.  That can’t be right.

Me:  That was different, I’m sure of it.

Ben and the Doctor enter the King’s chamber.

Him:  “There’s a body!”

Me:  “And there’s blood on it!”

The Doctor takes the wounded Thous back to Dagon’s head so he can tell his chums how they’re going to finish the story.

The Doctor:  I have a plan.  It might even work.

The Doctor’s plan involves… um… flooding Atlantis.

Me:  Flooding Atlantis?  Must be about time.

Anneke Wills:  In the laboratory, Zaroff’s scientists are unaware of the drama unfolding elsewhere in the city.

Him:  Well, they’re not magic.

The Fish People’s strike is starting to affect the smooth running of Atlantis.

Zaroff:  Blascht!  Blascht!!  Blascht!!!

Me:  I’m quite warming to Zaroff.

Ben and the Doctor meet a guard.

Doctor:  We’ll walk past him.

Ben:  In those trousers?

Me:  Ha!

They try something else, after all Ben’s still disguised as one of Zaroff’s guards.  Ben goes full-cockney.

Guard:  How do I know he’s a wanted man?

Ben:  Blimey?!  Look at ‘im!  ‘e ain’t normal, is ‘e?

Me:  Ha!

Guard:  Yes, I see what you mean.

Me:  And ‘ha!’ again.

In they go.  Ben knocks someone out, which sort of reverses the way things usually transpire.  Ben sets about sabotaging the laboratory.

Jamie and Polly are making their way out of the volcano.  Slowly, either to avoid the bends or because they’re lost.

Zaroff’s stressing about the way things are going.

Jamie wonders about radiation emanation.

Polly:  Radiation?  Well, it’s…  Too difficult to explain.

Jamie and Polly keep finding dead ends.  Sea water is starting to leak into the tunnels.

On higher ground, Sean, Jacko and King Thous are chatting about where they’ll go when all this is over.

Me:  ‘Eddie Murphy’s pub’?

The flood gets worse.  It’s reached the temple.

Me:  There goes Dagon.

The flood continues apace.  We flash between different groups.  Polly and Jamie aren’t having much luck but everyone else is fine.

The Doctor confronts Zaroff with the thing every mad scientist most fears: facts.

Scientist:  What’s he talking about, Professor?

Us:  Arf!

Zaroff locks himself in the Off-Switch Cupboard to ensure his plan will reach fruition.

Him:  There are no monsters in this one.

Me:  What about the Fish People?

Him:  They’re not monsters.  Just ‘cause they look weird doesn’t mean they’re monsters.

Me:  Good lad.

The Doctor and Zaroff shout at each other for a while, then the lights go out.  Zaroff emerges from the cupboard, armed with a gun.  Ben comes back and Zaroff is locked out of the cupboard.  He stretches, but can’t reach the Plunger of Doom.  Ben and the Doctor take this opportunity to run.

Elsewhere, Polly’s having hysterics.

Me:  I’m more than a little disappointed with Polly.

The Doctor and Ben run.

Zaroff’s still trying to reach the Plunger of Doom, but his arm stubbornly refuses to lengthen.

Jamie and Polly are finally safe.  It’s surprisingly downbeat.

Me:  That’s a good bit.

Zaroff drowns.
Iconic moment #147

Our friends are reunited and the TARDIS leaves. 

The Doctor:  You sound very happy, Jamie.

Me:  “Aye, ah’m steamin.”

The Doctor suggests Mars as a destination.  Suddenly the TARDIS lurches.

Me:  Oop

There’s a wobble.  The TARDIS is out of control and undulates itself into the credits.

Me:  Thoughts?

Him:  I have none.

Me:  Did you like it?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  You sound surprised.

Him:  I thought it’d be terrible, but I’d only seen the third part.

Me:  Groovy.  

1.  At a push though…

2.  No.  No, it isn’t.

3.  "And do you hear at all?"

4.  Yes.  Yes, it is.

5.  Apologies to Mark Evans.

6.  We don’t do this joke anymore.

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