The
bee of sorrow had stung his heart.
- Isaac Babel
Deep within
the ACME Complaints Department, a phone continues to ring…
EPISODE ONE
So,
without further ado, break the set, take your mark (“Jay one point five, love”)
and-
Him: Cyberpoodles?
Me: No.
We’re
off.
The TARDIS
is still on Skaro.
Me: Hang on. This isn’t from The Evil of the Daleks.
It’s
still, technically speaking, Season Four - this story was held over – so, it’s
possible that it is. Even though it
isn’t. Anyway, Victoria’s being shown
around Idris’ interior and, straight away, it's obvious that she’s going to fit in just fine.
Victoria: I can’t believe it. It’s so big.
Me: “Yes. Yes, it is.”
Him: It’s not the same.
Victoria: What are all these knobs?
Me: Oh, God.
Him: “They’re the people that I
travel with.”
Jamie
enters and gives Victoria the safety demonstration and her copy of The Companion’s Manual (with
badge and code book). The Doctor joins in
the conversation and drops some interesting comments that the Him pounces on.
Him: He didn’t build it, he stole it.
The
subject of the Doctor’s age is raised. The Doctor says he's around four-hundred and fifty. This comes as a shock to Miss Waterfield.
 |
| Him: Ha! |
The
Doctor tells Jamie to take Victoria to the TARDIS Wardrobe to change her impractical
wedding cake of a dress into something more likely to hold the Dads’
attention. Jamie gets in a quick dig
about a ‘smooth take-off’ before running away.
The
Doctor: A
‘smooth take-off’? What a nerve!
And, with
a familiar wheezing, groaning sound, we’re off.
There’s
an ethereal keening - entitled ‘Universe Sideral’ - as we pan around the south-west corner of
a sand and gravel quarry in Gerrards Cross that’s acting as our surface-of-an-alien-world for tonight. The music’s excellent
throughout – really atmospheric – which is probably why a lot of it was
released as The Tomb of the Cybermen soundtrack
album. That, and the fact that being sourced
largely from library stock must have made the rights negotiations a lot less
cardiac-infarction-inducing than they would been if it had been the Beatles
who'd sonically-sculpted the soundscape.
Suddenly,
we spy a spaceship that looks like a spider that's tried to disguise itself as a bullet.
Him: That’s weird. They make it look further away than it is.
Me: Nope. It’s small.
Rather than far away.1
A
giant gentleman by the name of Toberman (Roy Stewart) stalks across to a ravine
where he stares down on a not-milling band of space-archaeologists. There’s some nice camera-work taking place and
the whole thing looks magnificent. I’m
sure Matt Smith would agree.
Seeing
as there’s quite a big bunch of space-archaeologists to take in all at once, we’re
given a shorthand introduction. After the first pan-through we know there’s
a nervous one (Viner – played by Cyril Shaps); a shouty one (Captain Hopper – George Roubicek); a Welsh one with a
map who seems to be in charge (Professor Parry – Aubrey Richards); a beautiful
(probably) wrong ‘un (Kaftan – Shirley Cooklin); a slightly-less-beautiful
(probably) wrong ‘un (Klieg – George Pastell) and two doomed ones wearing
bright red shirts (Haydon – Bernard Holley and Chap with a Hat – Ray Grover). Ted Rogers (not that one – it’s actually Alan Johns) runs over
and delivers a thankless line, thus:
Ted
Rogers:
Sorry. We had to make it a pretty
big one.
Me: What?
Him: It’s not the same!
An
ominous looking button is produced. The
music runs out-
Him: It’s the mute button.
And,
before you know it, there’s a bigger bang than anyone was expecting and half
the quarry vanishes. When the dust
settles, two forced-perspective doors appear.
Don’t mind me, it looks great.
Captain
Hopper: MAN,
YOU JUST BLEW YOURSELF A PAIR O’ DOORS!
The
excited band of space-archaeologists bound up to the doors which turn out to be
somewhere else entirely.
Me: “Meanwhile, back in the
studio.”
The
doors themselves are set in a wide nook (or very large cranny) decorated with stylistic representations of
Cybermen. You’d think someone would
notice.
The
Him makes an observation about Kaftan.
Him: She looks like Barbara.
Me: She doesn’t. Not that a little thing like that would
dampen Frazer’s ardour…
Kaftan
offers fifty nicker to anyone who can open the doors. The Chap with the Hat takes Kaftan up on her
offer and gets electrocuted for his troubles.
It’s so nasty he lands in VidFIRE, just as the TARDIS lands on film back
in Buckinghamshire.
Our heroes
are jumped in short order.
Professor
Parry: Who
are you? And where do you come from?
Captain
Hopper: AND
YOU’D BETTER HAVE A GOOD STORY!
Me: What? As well?
Him: “Once upon a time there was
a caterpillar…”
The
Doctor spots the excavations in the distance and runs onto the set to help the
ex-Chap with a Hat. Klieg gets off on the
wrong foot by blaming the Doctor for the fatality. Although several of the space-archaeologists
have the Doctor pegged as one of their own, he refuses to either confirm or
deny their suspicions.
The
Doctor:
No. Not until they tell us the
purpose of their expedition.
Me: The Cyberglyphics give it
away a bit.
Following
a brief row, Professor Parry steps up to the lectern and dumps info. The space-archaeologists have been searching
for the final resting place of the Cybermen
They’ve narrowed the options down to the planet we’re currently on,
Telos.
Up to this point, we’re doing
fine.
The Cybermen originally came from
Earth’s twin planet, Mondas, which melted during the events of The Tenth Planet. Next time we saw them, a skulky bunch were
barbecuing lunar scientists in a long-winded and overly-complicated plan to
sell umbrellas. That was in The Moonbase, which, as you know, saw the
metal horrors being forcibly ejected from the moon and into the Him’s pitch to
Big Finish. So far, so good, so it’s a
shame that Professor Parry keeps talking.
Professor
Parry: Telos
was their home. This is the entrance to
their city.
Viner: We know they died out many
centuries ago. What we don’t know is why they died out.
Him: “Ha! I’ve run rings around you logically.”
Yup,
third story in and already Cyberhistory appears to have not only been written
by the winners, but that the winners were in the middle of their celebratory
feast when this took place. Not to mention their ninth tankard of Telosian applejack. At least. And it won't get any better.
Me: There was actually some
dialogue cut from The Moonbase that
would have said much the same thing. But
now it’s mad. And Attack of the Cybermen isn’t going to help matters.
Him: What changes in Attack of the Cybermen?
Me: The identity of the author from
documentary to documentary, for one thing.
See if you can spot any Cryons, this quarry should be slippery with
them.
Him: Quarry?
Me: It’s nice having a moving
one isn’t it?
Him: Yes.
Captain
Hopper and a couple of crewmen return to the ship with the ex-Chap with
Hat. Klieg’s rather keen for the Doctor
to go away, which is a course of action that both Jamie and Victoria have no
objections to. The Doctor (hearkening
back to The Moonbase) says that leaving became impossible the moment that Cybermen were
mentioned. Everyone starts arguing.
Me: Nice to see that the Welsh
Space Program paid off eventually.
Him: Totally.
In
order to hurry everything up, the Doctor checks to see if the Cyberdoors are
still shocking –they aren’t – and then has a go at opening them. It’s unsuccessful.
Me: It’d be a lot easier if he
wasn’t holding them closed with his foot.
Jamie: Let me, Doctor…
Him: “BZZZT!”
Jamie
makes the same error with his foot, and so Toberman is called over to make
himself useful.
Yoink! The Cyberdoors wibble open…
Me: “It was just jammed, that’s
all.”
Him: “Yes, well, I weakened it
for you.”
Even
with the Cyberdoors open, no-one’s rushing to enter. Haydon has some questions – as does the Him.
Him: Where’s the dead guy?
Me: They’ll bring him along
later. Emergency provisions.
Haydon
was wondering what had happened to the electricity. The Doctor reveals that the ex-Chap with Hat
had absorbed the lot.
The space-archaeologists enter. Parry first,
followed by Viner, Klieg, Haydon, Kaftan and Toberman. I’m not sure that the order’s important, but
there it is.
Victoria,
apparently being the brightest of the bunch, has no intention of entering the
tomb. The Doctor and Jamie hold hands
while they wait.
Me: Business!
With
some gentle cajoling, and a light ribbing of Jamie, Victoria is coaxed in.
Him: Does Jamie always wear the
same kilt?
Me: I suppose he must do. Unless
the TARDIS Wardrobe has a branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill in it somewhere.
The
interior of the tomb is dark, with futuristic switches glinting in the
half-light. Alien races have really
taken the Chameleons’ lead with the whole issue of branding. The Cyberlogo is in evidence throughout.
Viner’s
writing things down, Klieg and Kaftan are scheming and everyone else is looking
awed. There’s no obvious second chamber,
although Viner's calculations are bringing the possibility of there actually being one closer.
Throughout
this story there’s a sense that the Doctor’s hurrying the process along. This has nothing to do with chess or Fenric
or being more than just an ordinary Time Lord.
Nope, this is totally down to the fact that without his help humanity’d be
waiting forever to get in, and seeing as he’s here now he might as well get it
over and done with. Whilst Professor
Parry is attempting to assemble everyone for a morale-building talk, the Doctor
solves a logic problem and opens a couple of doors that the
space-archaeologists hadn’t even noticed were there.
Symbolic
logic gets a mention, which cheers me a bit.
I spent a lot of hours listening to a lecture about the different types
of gate. I never thought I’d get a joke
out of it.
The Doctor: The opening mechanism for
this door, an ‘OR gate’, you call it.
Me: And?
Ah, I
notice that I still haven’t. Oh well.
It’s
decided that the best way to explore is to adopt the Scooby-Doolian Law of “sprit
rup.”
Viner, the ladies and Toberman go
in one door and Jamie and the doomed Haydon another.
The Doctor remains behind to keep an eye on Klieg.
Cometh
there a break.
Viner
is rather excited at all the switches he’s found. While he’s drawing them, Kaftan persuades
Victoria to have a look in a wardrobe with a machine gun pointing at it.
Me: “Victoria, you stand in
there.”
Viner: The first rule of
archaeology work-
Me: What’s that? “Dynamite saves a lot of tedious digging”?
Viner: -is that nothing must be
touched until it’s been described and recorded.
This
is obviously a very flexible rule when dealing with the dramatic representation
of archaeology. I was going to say
something mean about Bonekickers here, but I’ve never seen it so I don’t feel
qualified to.
Jamie
and Haydon have found a mysterious room, complete with an iconic moment.
Me: Cybermat!
Him: “I call it, ‘The
Metaltron’.”
 |
| Iconic Moment #168 |
Beneath
the Wheel of Fortune, Klieg’s failing to make any progress. The Doctor goads him by suggesting the whole
process is too easy. Klieg insists the
problem’s insoluble and (after a very polite stumble) hands the script to Patrick
Troughton who reads off a definition of what binary am. Hearing this, Klieg’s off like a whippet up a
Doctor’s drainpipe.
Me: The Doctor just nicked
Klieg’s pencil. That’ll slow him down a
bit.
Elsewhere,
Kaftan pulls a lever and, next thing you know, Victoria’s trapped in the
Cyberwardrobe.
Jamie
and Haydon have unwittingly stumbled into the upstairs of the UFO club where
they’re transfixed by The Pink Floyd’s light show.
Me: The Doctor’s driving all
this.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: It’s like he’s loosening the lid and then handing the jar to
someone else to open. You almost pointed
it out earlier.
Not
liking this Cyber-Narnia one bit, Victoria raps politely against the inside of
the wardrobe and asks to be let out. The
Doctor arrives, spots what Kaftan’s up to and releases the bemused Victoria.
Me: See? He’s sussed Kaftan. Being crafty.
Jamie’s
tuning in (“Sing!”) – but Haydon manages to pull the plug before everything
goes full-prog.
And
then turns it on again. Tch.
Klieg,
with a burst of not-at-all-a-wrong-‘un laughter, opens the Cyberhatch that leads
to the Cybertombs themselves.
Haydon
and Jamie are working their way through the slideshow. Jamie’s assigned the job of ‘press a button’. The wall changes.
Him: Eyes.
Haydon
stares and - Zap! – he grabs his back and starts pumping smoke from under his
shirt, falling to the club’s beer-sodden carpet. And then a Cyberman and a cliffhanger arrive,
one after the other.
Me: Good season opener.
Him: Yup.
Me: Another?
Him: Huh?
EPISODE TWO
We
recap. Haydon’s still dead.
Everyone
else arrives and flutters around. The
Doctor notices that Haydon’s been shot in the back.
Him: “Uuuurghh. He’s right.”
Following
the lead set by Crimewatch, the Doctor suggests re-enacting the events leading to the crime. Jamie tries to remember the exact order he
randomly flicked the switches in.
Me: It’s a very Cyberman type of
training area, in that it’s needlessly complicated.
Him: Ha! I don’t understand why they’d have something
that would destroy you when training.
Me: Fair point. Remember though, this is a bunch of geniuses2 who attacked the moon without first checking
to see if their weapons would work in a vacuum.
The Doctor: Now, there is a distinct
element of risk in what I’m asking you all to do, so if anyone wishes to leave
they must do so at once. Not you, Jamie.
Us: Ha!
It’s
a total success. Within moments, the
Cyberhead has fallen off the Cyberdecoy.
Me: Oh, alright. Maybe they did learn.
Victoria
points out the Cybermat that Jamie found earlier. The Doctor identifies it using his diary.
Him: Why’s the Doctor got Cybermats
in his book?
The
Doctor tells Victoria to put the Cybermat back where she found it, so naturally
she pops it into her bag.
Elsewhere,
Kaftan and Toberman are acting shifty.
Toberman’s done something, and Kaftan’s pleased, but both the what and
the why remain mysteries for the moment.
Klieg’s
stumped again. Kaftan tells Klieg he’ll
have plenty of time and then the remains of Haydon are brought back and laid on
the floor.
Me: “We’re running out of space-archaeologists.”
Professor
Parry calls a quick meeting and announces that, seeing as they’ve reached their
allocated acceptable-loss level already, the expedition is no longer covered by
insurance and therefore must leave. This
news is met with clamouring from everyone except Viner, who was right all
along. The Professor puts his foot
down. They’re off and that’s that.
Just
then, Captain Hopper arrives. He’s got
some news.
Captain
Hopper: IT’S
THE FUEL PUMPS! SOME CHARACTER HAS
BALLED UP THE LOT!
Me: I think I know who sabotaged the ship.
 |
| Can you guess who's behind the nefarious nobbling, chums? |
There’s
a nice dissolve from Cyberlogo to Cyberlogo.
Time’s slipped by.
Me: Nice shot. Morris Barry’s doing well.
Viner’s
a lot more flustered than he was earlier.
Captain Hopper reckons it’s going to take seventy-two hours to fix the
damage. Also, the space-archaeologists
are going to have to stay in the tomb and wait whilst the work gets carried out.
Captain
Hopper: NOW,
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO PRACTICALLY PULL THAT SHIP
APART TO FIX ALL THE DAMAGE AND THERE JUST ISN’T ROOM FOR ALL OF YOU ON
BOARD! ESPECIALLY WITH YOU INSISTING ALL
OVER THE PLACE!
Him: Ha!
Me: Better than covering
everything in Sensorite.3
The
Doctor points out that Captain Hopper also doesn’t want whoever caused the
damage to be back on the ship either.
Him: “Jamie, Victoria, you know we can leave in the TARDIS right now,
yeah?”
Not
being totally heartless to the plight of the fat-free academic, Captain Hopper
issues the space-archaeologists with space-anoraks so they can stay warm
through the chill Telosian nights to come.
Me: First mention of ‘anorak’ in
Doctor Who, there.
Following
the same trail of logical breadcrumbs as the Him, the Doctor suggests that Jamie
and Victoria might like to go and wait in the TARDIS. Victoria decides to stay with the Doctor.
The
Doctor:
Jamie?
Jamie: Oh, I’ll stay.
Me: “With Victoria.”
The
Doctor moves to help Klieg, but Toberman stops him. The Doctor makes a point of outlining how
strong Toberman is to Kaftan. Why, he
could do a lot of damage.
Me: He’s totally wise to
her. Nice.
Professor
Parry is trying to work out how to access the metal tunnels running underneath
them, when Klieg solves the problem.
Klieg: Finally, a Boolean function
of symbolic logic!
Me: That’s what I’ve been
waiting for. For years.
Despite this, I still totally forget to mention that Boole's daughter, Lilian, was married to Wilfrid Voynich, the gentleman who gave his name to this...
Whilst
Klieg runs through the sequence, the Doctor subtly corrects it. In the corner of the room the Cyberhatch to the
basement opens.
 |
| No comment. |
Me: Blue screen of death!
Professor
Parry points out that the women had better stay upstairs…
Him: Was this not filmed in 1967?
Me: It was.
Him: Exactly.
Me: Doesn’t mean it’s right.
Victoria
huffs about this treatment, and the Doctor suggests that it might actually be a
good idea. After all, someone needs to
keep an eye on Kaftan. Kaftan has her
own ideas.
Kaftan: Go down, Toberman.
Me: She’s a wrong ‘un.
Toberman
nearly goes down earlier than expected when he misses his step.
Left
alone, Kaftan plops a tablet in Victoria’s drink and offers her a chicken oxo
cube. It’s good stuff.
Downstairs,
the boys have found some frosty tunnels.
Me: And that’s the third
mention of anoraks. Thick. And fast.
Before
you know it…
 |
| Iconic Moment #169 |
The
frozen tomb rises imperiously to the ceiling.
Klieg: Like a gigantic
honeycomb. Like bees waiting for the
signal to arise from their winter sleep.
Me: “And take over ze universe!”
Klieg’s
found another set of switches. The Doctor
hovers just behind him, waiting for it to all go wrong.
Upstairs,
Victoria has come over all sleepy.
Him: “It’s the drugs.”
Whatever
Victoria’s been spiked with is remarkably swift-acting. With a violent exhalation, she falls asleep
almost fast enough to give herself whiplash.
Kaftan dances over to the controls and closes the Cyberhatch.
Downstairs,
there’s panic from Viner. Klieg reckons
he can open the Cyberhatch using the controls.
The Doctor’s worked it out, but waits.
Klieg
throws the switches…
Him: Why would you ever want to
free them?
…and
the ice melts. There’s movement.
 |
Iconic moment #170
|
Him: Look at the evil bees!
Professor
Parry: This
is unique in archaeology!
Me: I’ll say. Carter would’ve had quite a shock if this had
happened when he opened Tutankhamen's tomb.
Him: The evil bees?
Me: Damn straight.
Here
they come…
Viner
pulls the switches and the process stops.
Klieg shoots him and the process is back underway.
Him: Seriously though, how’d they
get in there? And who froze them?
Me: Countdown Dalek, I reckon.
Back
on the surface, Victoria’s bag starts to wake up just as she does. Victoria realises what’s going on pretty
quickly and tries to open the Cyberhatch.
Kaftan corners her with a gun.
Behind them all, a teeny Cybermat chews its way through Victoria’s bag.
Him: Awww…
Downstairs,
the Cybermen are still climbing out of their Cyberhoneycomb. The Doctor reveals he knew what was going on,
which only raises more questions in the long run.
Klieg
reveals that his madness is actually informed by misguided logic. Essentially he’s just trying to impress his
chums, the Brotherhood of Logicians.
Him: He’s a mathemagician.
Here
they come…
The drums
kick off the aural joy of Space Adventure (Martin Slavin) and the tension rises.
Me: That’s ace.
Back
upstairs and the Cybermat is stalking.
The Him’s formed an unhealthy attachment to it, probably because it’s
cute.
Me: That was quick.
The
Cybermat goes for Kaftan’s throat.
Him: Kill her! Kill her!
Victoria
pulls the Cybermat off, throws it to the floor and shoots it until it bursts
into sparks.
Him: No!
Me: I can’t help but think that
you’re siding with the wrong lot.
Him: I like the Cybermats.
Me: Here comes Michael Kilgarriff…
The
final door of the giant Cyber-Advent-Calendar is opened. Behind it squats the Cyber Controller, rather
than a badly drawn nativity. Or a huge chocolate Santa.
Me: Ummm… What was he up to?
(Pause.)
Me: Don't say it...
Him: Pooing.
Me: Oi! He wrote my favourite joke books, I’ll have
you know. Quite some time ago.
The
Him’s in fits.
Him: The Cyberhat gets me every
time.
Me: It’s quite a size. And not
just the Cyberhelmet.
Klieg
strides up to the freshly aroused Cyber Controller and tries bullying it. Four seconds later he’s on the floor with a
crushed arm and the whole balance of power has pulled a snazzy handbrake turn
in the general direction of disaster.
Cyber
Controller:
YOU/BE/LONG/TO/US
Him:
That’s a
cool voice.
Cyber
Controller :
YOU/SHALL/BE/LIKE/US
Credits
Ho!
Me: Nice.
EPISODE THREE
Professor
Parry: How did
you know that we would come to release you?
Me: Let’s look for some more
examples of this fabled lack of emotion then.
The
Cyber Controller reveals that this moment is merely the Cybertrap closing.
The
Doctor: They
only wanted superior intellects. That’s
why they made the trap so complicated.
Us: No, it’s not.
Upstairs,
Kaftan’s still unconscious. Victoria
returns from the ship with Captain Hopper and Jim Callum (Clive Merrison). I’m about to make a mistake, but I’m not daft
enough to draw attention to that.
Callum: I don’t reckon we should
have left the rocket, Captain. I can’t
see much wrong here.
Me: Ha! There’s someone you’ve never met before
heading rapidly into hysteria, Kaftan’s unconscious and everyone else has vanished!
Victoria
starts getting frustrated that nobody’s listening to her, and she’s got a
point. Unnoticed, Kaftan stirs. Victoria, in a state of supreme fluster,
threatens to pull every lever until the Cyberhatch opens. Hopper mollifies Victoria by offering to give
her the benefit of the doubt. Which
lever, then? Victoria thinks it’s one
down by the end – disappointingly not marked ‘OPEN THE CYBERHATCH’ in shaky felt-tip.
Callum: She. Thinks.
Me: Some. One. Has. To.
In
the basement, the Doctor and the Cyber Controller are engaged in battle of
exposition and Cyberhistory. Finally,
the reason the Cybermen were attacking the Moonbase is revealed. They were trying to flog umbrellas.
Troughton,
as ever, is magnificent.
 |
| Iconic Moment #172 |
Cyber
Controller: WE/WILL/SUR/VIVE/WE/WILL/SUR/VIVE
Me: Desperation’s not an
emotion.
The
Cyber Controller informs the hapless space-archaeologists that they’re about to
become the first new Cybermen in simply ages.
This news isn’t greeted with delight – although the Cybermen start
making bizarre noises that continue until the end of the scene.
The
Doctor, Parry, Klieg and Toberman are grabbed, Jamie legs it to the exit, a
Cyberman in Cyberpursuit. Jamie reaches
the ladder to the surface and shins up it.
There’s no messing around from the Cyberman – which is quite frightening
in its own way – a burst of energy flies from its fingers and hits Jamie.
Him: Oh! Back of the neck.
Jamie
falls to the ground.
Back
in the main room, the space-archaeologists continue to resist. Even though it’s useless.
A
Cyberman drags Toberman onto film and pulls a banned wrestling move on him.
Me: Oh, look. Cyberwires.
They don’t just use them on the Cyberships then.
Cyber
Controller:
TO/STRUG/GLE/IS/FU/TILE
Me: “RE/SIS/TANCE/IS/USE/LESS”
Back
upstairs, Kaftan pulls a gun on Hopper and Callum. Victoria lets fly with a sonic blast and Kaftan
is overpowered. It’s fair galloping now.
Me: Victoria’s scream saves the
day. Number one in an occasional series.
The
Cyberhatch is opened. Victoria and Captain
Hopper gaze into it. We’re at 55’ 21” if
you’d like to check this next exchange for yourself.
Victoria: It’s very quiet down there.
Captain
Hopper:
YEAH!
X
The Unknown:
BZZ!
Captain
Hopper: TOO QUIET!
Victoria:
Something
must’ve happened.
Captain
Hopper: HOW
LONG HAVE THEY BEEN DOWN THERE?!
Victoria: Oh, about an hour.
Captain
Hopper:
THAT’S TOO LONG! I’M GOING DOWN!
Captain
Hopper collects a couple of smoke bombs from Callum. Victoria offers to assist Hopper,
unfortunately that’s not going to be happening.
Victoria: Who’d be a woman?
Captain
Hopper: HOW
WOULD YOU KNOW, HONEY?!
Him: What? I don’t get that.
Captain
Hopper descends.
Downstairs
in the basement, the horror continues.
Me: They do seem to be a lot less emotional in this ‘un. And they’re quite creepy.
Captain
Hopper slips silently into the background, assesses the situation – Klieg’s
just been told he’s going to be the Cyber Team Leader for the new ‘recruits’ –
and throws the smoke bombs. They
explode.
Him: “WHAT/IS/THIS/MAD/NESS”
Smoke
billows forth into the tomb, the Cybermen are baffled.
Him: Makes bees fall asleep after
all.
The
space-archaeologists make a break for the ladder. Toberman, still woozy from earlier, gets nabbed.
The
others are making their way – slowly – up the ladder. Jamie and Victoria are reunited. The Doctor clambers up the ladder, pursued by
a Cyberman.
Him: Cyberbottom there.
The
Cyberman grabs the Doctor’s leg.
Victoria lays into it with a thermos in a moment that proves too much
for someone.
X
The Unknown: OH!
Him: Did Victoria hit him in the
face?
Me: I don’t know. Someone went ‘Oh’ very loudly. Commentary bleed, perhaps?
I
rewind to 59’ 49” and it happens again.
X
The Unknown:
OH!
Him: I didn’t hear that first time.
The
Cyberhatch gets closed – breaking the Cyberman’s hold on Victoria. This whole scene is really, really tense if you
give it a chance. Especially when the
Cyberhatch starts to shake, jump and dent as the Cyberman beneath gets stuck in with
a righteous Cyberpummeling.
Under
the Cyberhatch, the Cyberman gives up. For
now.
Me: He’s got a Cyber-rip in his
Cybersuit.
Klieg’s
at large in the basement. He watches the
unfortunate Cyberpummeller as he strides off to Cyberwardrobe. When the tunnel's empty, Klieg slinks
quietly up the ladder and starts tapping on the underside of the Cyberhatch. The space-archaeologists hear the plaintive signal, open the Cyberhatch and save Klieg, who thanks our heroes by starting another
argument.
In
the basement, the Cyber Controller has come up with a Cyberscheme. It’s logical rather than cunning.
Him:
“CY/BER/RE/LEASE/THE/CY/BER/MATS”
The
Cybermats are unpacked.
Him: They’re bigger than the
other ones.
Me: These are adults.
Kaftan
and Klieg have been secured in the testing room.
Me: Locking the
baddies in the Cyberarmoury might not have been a grand idea.
Kaftan’s
discovered a Cybergun. Klieg takes this
as an opportunity to sink further into delusion.
Me: Klieg’s lost it.
The
Cybermats are encouraged to climb a ramp leading upstairs.
Him: ‘Do you like our owl…?'
Upstairs,
everyone’s asleep except Victoria. The Doctor
wakes and the two of them have a chat that’s become pretty much legendary in
Who fandom. It starts with the Doctor
telling Victoria that the memory of her father won’t always be sad. It’s very gentle, moving and beautifully
acted.
Reader, I give you Iconic Moment #176...
Me: Beautiful scene.
A Cybermat
glides along the floor. It bumps into the Doctor’s foot, giving him a
fright. Another Cybermat is sneaking up on
the sleeping Callum – grinding its teeth.
This, at least, explains the Cybermat design in Closing Time – a story that
now seems to have been based a lot more on this one than I’d noticed at the
time. Although, that last interaction between
the Doctor and Victoria notwithstanding, there’s not a huge amount of parental
love kicking around in The Tomb of the Cybermen. Smoke bombs seem to be more
effective.
The
Doctor saves Callum, but panic breaks out.
Our heroes are surrounded by cybernetic vermin, beeping and
twitching.
The
Doctor grabs a metal tube and lays it out as a barrier. The Doctor flicks some switches sending
current through the tube. The Cybermats
‘die’ – killed by an electrical field.
Rather than love.
The Doctor: You might say they’ve had a
complete metal breakdown.
Jamie: Oooh.
The
Doctor: I’m
so sorry, Jamie.
Klieg
chooses this moment to burst out of the testing room, Cybergun in hand. He raises the gun toward the Doctor and
fires!
Credits!
EPISODE FOUR
We
recap. Luckily the Doctor’s fine, but
only because Callum took the shot for him.
Klieg
opens the Cyberhatch and bellows down it. He
wants to speak to the Controller.
Cyber
Controller: THE/HUMA/NOIDS/MUST/FIRST/BE/DE/STROYED
Him: “THEN/WE/CAN/TALK/TO/THEM”
Me: Ha!
Toberman
is uncovered. The Cybermen haven’t been
idle. Toberman’s not entirely human any more. The spare Cybermen pop back
into their honeycombs to rest until required.
The
Cyber Controller appears at the top of the ladder and chats to Klieg about his
long-term plans for working with the Cybermen.
Where does he see himself in five years?
That type of thing.
Me: The voices are much better this time. I’m not sure how much of that is down to Mark
Ayres, however.
The
Cyber Controller requires revitalisation as his batteries run down faster
than an iPhone’s.
Three
things happen in quick succession: Klieg’s plan is revealed, the Cyber
Controller is sent to be revitalised and Victoria gets hostaged. Professor Parry, the Doctor and Jamie watch
the Cyber Controller fail to get into the revitalisation machine. The Doctor pats Jamie on the head and tells
him to be quiet.
Me: Nice touch.
The
Cyber Controller is nearly out of juice.
Me: He’s flanging.4
The
Doctor helps the Cyber Controller into the revitalisor and then clumps the door
closed on him.
Him: Ha! I hope that’s not an iron maiden.
Me: Lovely bloke.
Elsewhere,
Klieg and Kaftan are foxed by Victoria saying that she saw the same type of gun
that Klieg’s got, in the revitalisation room.
Realising that this puts them at a disadvantage, the two wrong ‘un’s
prepare…
Professor
Parry: Keep
back! It’s smoking!
Him: No wonder its health levels
were so low.
With
the sound of splintering cardboard, the Cyber Controller breaks free.
Kaftan
tells the injured Callum that the plan has been to build a better world. At this moment Toberman bashes Klieg to the
ground with his new Cyberarm and advances menacingly on Kaftan.
The
Cyber Controller lurches out of the revitalisation room and demands that Kaftan
open the Cyberhatch. Kaftan, shocked that
the Cyber Controller could break a promise, refuses.
Me:
“AL/RIGHT/I’LL/DO/IT/MY/SELF”
The
Cyber Controller shoots Kaftan, who falls to the floor, pumping smoke like an
over-enthusiastic goth band.
This
murder causes Toberman to break free of his conditioning, so maybe I was wrong
about there not being any love in this story.
Toberman engages in a full-on fight with the Cyber Controller.
There’s
a famous dodgy effect during this fight, but the Him doesn’t seem to notice so
we’ll ignore it.
The Cybermen
attack, swarming through the Cyberhatch like...
well, bees. Jamie shoots them
until they stop.
The
Doctor prepares to re-enter the tomb.
Jamie offers to help.
The
Doctor: I’ll
take somebody else
Me: “Who’s wearing a red top?”
The
Doctor climbs back into the basement, Toberman follows. Klieg rouses himself, grabs a gun and slinks,
unnoticed, after them.
Blackout.
In
the basement, the Cybermen are dormant, if not actually frozen. Klieg appears and interrupts the freezing
process. The Doctor indulges in some
lovely business while Klieg monologues.
Now they don’t have a boss, Klieg is planning to fill the position. Jamie appears just as the Doctor starts acting a bit strangely.
The
Doctor: Yes,
as you say, such a combination between intelligence and power would make you
formidable indeed. Why, you’d be
commander of the universe with your brilliance!
It makes the imagination reel with the possibilities!
Klieg: Why, Doctor, if I had only known you shared my imagination, you
might even have worked for me.
The
Doctor: Oh,
perhaps it’s not too late.
Jamie: Doctor!
The
Doctor: No,
Jamie, don’t you see? Don’t you see what
this is going to mean to all the people who come to serve Klieg the
all-powerful? Why, no country, no
person, would dare to have a single thought that was not your own! Eric Klieg’s own
conception of the… of the way of life!
Klieg: Brilliant! Yes, yes, you’re right. Master of the world…
 |
| "I'm a genius. Yes, I am." |
The Doctor: Well, now I know you’re
mad. I just wanted to make sure.
Me: Oh, fantastic.
Upstairs,
Captain Hopper returns. There’s some
wonderful Victoria banter.
Me: I’m looking forward to Fury from the Deep.
Him: It’s not that far away. And, don’t you mean Fury the Deep?3
Klieg
is attacked by a Cyberman that’s fed up with all the shouting. Toberman joins in and gives it a
Cyberthrashing. Defeated, the Cyberman
begins foaming at the chestpiece.
Him: Uurgh! Seeds
of Death.
Jamie
and the Doctor watch as the tomb freezes.
Again.
Him: Whoah! That was cool.
Me: Literally.
Him: Just like bees, Cybermen go
to sleep when it’s cold.
Me: Just like bees.
Upstairs,
everyone’s preparing to leave. They head
out through the Cyber Doors while the Doctor sets to booby-trapping the
controls. Jamie and the Doctor are
cornered by the Cyber Controller.
The Doctor: When I say ‘run’, run. Run!
Our
heroes bound outside and begin to push the huge doors closed. The Doctor stops them – when the doors close
the circuit will complete and they’ll receive a fatal shock. The Him’s distracted.
Him: Cybermat! Awww…
As
the Doctor, Jamie, Captain Hopper and Professor Parry try to push the doors
closed with wood, Toberman strides up, swats them aside and takes matters into
his own hands. Well, hand and metallic
claw at least. The Cyber Controller
pushes from the inside, but Toberman is stronger. The doors judder closed and the charge is
released, frying both Toberman and the Cyber Controller.
Him: That was the best death
ever.
And
that about wraps it up. Everyone says goodbye
–
X
The Unknown : SHKRZT!5
-
whilst behind them a Cybermat sneaks through the cold dust of Telos.
It’s
the credits.
Me: Thoughts?
Him: I’m too tired for thoughts.
Me: Did the picture look better
than you remembered it?
Him: Yeah.
Me: D’you know what’s next?
Him: The Abominable Snowmen?
Me: Yeah.
Him: Is it really?
Me: It really is.
Him: Cool!
NEXT: WALES!
1. Another Gridlock reference, eh? Tch.
2. Plural.
3. We don’t do that joke any more.
4. Might be phasing, of course.
5. 1.35’
06”
