Moose Kid Comics!

Him: That's you!

"You kids wasting your lives, reading silly comics!  Get a proper job!  You wouldn't catch ME having fun, I live in the real world, mate!"

- Jamie Smart, The Amazing Tale of the Moose Kid!!

Me:  Well, we’ve just finished reading the first issue of Moose Kid Comics.  What did you think?

(The Him attempts to open a box of mint poppets without using his hands.)

Him:  Sorry, I was momentarily distracted. Were you asking a question?

Me:  Moose Kid- 

Him:  Where?

Me:  It’s you!  You’re the Moose Kid!

Him:  I hadn’t noticed up until this moment.

Me:  It’s a bit of an in-joke. 

Him:  It’s not even that.  It’s more of an in-statement.

Me:  Yeah.  Anyway, let’s talk about Moose Kid Comics.

Him:  Alright then.

Me:  Did you enjoy it?

Him:  Well – I think that you should be the one to answer the questions first of all.

Me:  I’m always going on about comics.1

Him:  But there’s no recorded evidence of that.  Until today.

Me:  Yeah, yeah – I’ll get that Comics Unmasked ‘review’ finished soon. 

Him:  Haven’t you been working on that for, like, a month?

Me:  Yarp. 

Him:  And it still isn’t done?

Me:  Narp. 

Him:  Have you even started it?

Me:  Ye-e-e-e-s.

Him:  Did you start on it about a month ago and you just hav-

Me:  I’ll get it finished!  I’ve been busy! 

Him:  Anyway, you’re getting us sidetracked with all this talk of your Comics Unmasked ‘review’.

Me:  I’m keen on tangents. 

Him:  Yes.  You really are.  But you never really liked cos or sin. 

Me:  Oi!  Less of the maths!

Him:  It’s not so big a problem if you want to add two vectors together – it’s a larger issue for when you want to calculate the remaining side of a triangle given only the two other sides and an angle.

(Long, long pause.  Like a sloth.)

Me:  So, Moose Kid Comics…

Him:  I need about four minutes of solitude to think about this.

Me:  Have you finished those poppets?  Don’t go to sleep!

Him:  I’m tired.

Me:  Quick-fire then?

Him:  Okay.

Me:  Funny?

Him:  These are very specific questions.  I feel you should find a more ranged and diverse method of questioning.

Me:  Alright.  Would you put it in the same food group as The Phoenix?

Him:  Honestly, I wouldn’t eat either of them.

Me:  But you’d read them.

Him:  Yes.  But you don’t read apples.

Me:  Do you think Moose Kid Comics should be made available in schools?

Him:  I dunno.  First of all you’d have to get past the many layers of people who think that comics are…  I don’t know… I’d need a word.

Me:  ‘Damaging’? 

Him:  ‘Intelligence-removing objects’.  That’s what they think they are.

Me:  What do you think?

Him:  Well, what do you think? 

Me:  I think there’s a danger in removing intelligent objects from childhood.  And despite all the parping, Moose Kid Comic’s an intelligent object.

Him:  Now, I see the comparison.  Apples are intelligent objects as well.

Me:  We’re a bit rusty with this whole blog thing, aren’t we?

Him:  I don’t know.  I think I’m still avoiding questions like a pro.

Me:  Did Moose Kid Comics remind you of Oink!?

Him:  Not particularly.  Not as much as you said it would.  Although…  I suppose…  I don’t know.  I haven’t read that much Oink!.  I didn’t grow up in the same era that you did.

Me:  That’s because we don’t have time travel.

Him:  You say that like it’s my fault.

Me:  It might yet turn out to be.

Him:  I like to think that if I invent time travel I’d have given it myself by now.  Maybe I have, but because this is the first run-through I’ll be the one that gives it to my younger self, but in doing so it’ll create a parallel universe, or a different time stream in order to fix all the paradoxes.

Me:  Well, that was very rude.  Personally, I thought the art was great and I enjoyed the stories.  It’s wonderful seeing Tom Paterson being involved and –

(Pause.)

Aren’t you going to ask me who Tom Paterson is?

Him:  No.  I know who he is.

Me:  Ha!  I really hope it’s a success.  Kudos to Jamie Smart and everyone involved.  It’s a noble thing.

(Pause.)

Feel free to go THRRPP! at this point.

Him:  No, no.  I’m thinking of something.

Me:  While that’s happening, I’ll tell both our readers to go and download their own copies shall I?

Him:  Wait!  I’ve got it!

Me:  Go on then.

Him:  It’s like Picasso and Da Vinci teamed up to make…  Something else.  It was a nice idea but I can’t quite remember it.

Me:  “Gor-illa"?

Him:  Now that – that is an in-joke.

Me:  Yes, yes it is.

Him:  That no-one will ever get.  No matter how hard they try.

Me:  So they stop reading this and go and read Moose Kid Comics?

Him:  That sounds like a plan.

1.  I was lucky enough to be asked to appear as a guest on the Desert Island Who podcast earlier this week - hello Mr Conrad and Mr Will2 - and I managed to talk for ages and ages about comics.  In the end, a lot of it didn't make the final cut but I did try. 

2.  No, I'm not telling you my theory about The Chase just yet...