The laws of nature were its grammar, the stuff of physical reality its nouns… Since language was tied into the formation of the universe, words had the potential to change it.
- Benjamin Woolley,
The Queen’s Conjuror: The Life and Magic of Dr Dee
Tonight, Matthew, I’ll be crossing the line with gay abandon…
Doctor Who Adventures #278
This issue is still in the shops, if you’re quick.
Me: I used to love Holiday Specials when I was little. Right up until I read them.
Me: So, what’s this blog entry about?
Him: Doctor Who Adventures, issue 278.
Me: And what’s it really about?
Him: Our holiday.
Me: That’s right. Would you care to give our faithful reader some background on the Doctor Who Adventures? What it is and that? Assuming she (or he) isn’t already a subscriber that is.
Him: Do I have to?
Me: No. But if you don’t, I will. And nobody wants that.
Him: You’re right, nobody wants that.
Him: You do it.
Me: It’s a weekly stationery set (or toy) that comes with a free magazine. It’s not as good as Doctor Who Weekly was, but I’m glad it exists. You’ve got the lot to date, but I think that at 46, you’re getting too old for it. Doctor Who Weekly had the good grace to age along with its readership, but I haven’t noticed an ongoing article detailing every trip taken by the TARDIS in the Doctor Who Adventures as of yet.1 Is there one?
Him: Yes. Many.
Me: Oh, right. Is it turning into Junior In-Vision then?
Him: Question mark?
Me: Don’t worry, no-one’ll get that.2 Let’s start with the cover.
Him: Well, the cover has lots of Adipose on it, and lots of Jimmy Vee.
Me: It’s almost a tribute issue. John Carpenter gets alluded to too, which I doubt you got.
The Him refuses to join in. There’s an awkward silence.
Me: Oh, alright. There’s a pun on Big Trouble in Little China. Shall we delve within?
Him: The ‘Mega Moment’ is – I don’t think it’s normally at the start of the issue – a description of a scene from one of the episodes that readers send in as their favourite scene.
Me: Do you think the readers really send them in?
Me: So do I.
Him: If Elliot Telford’s reading this blog, he’ll be very upset.
Me: If anyone’s reading this blog, they’ll be very upset.
Him: That’s not true.
|HELLO, TIME TRAVELLERS!|
Him: ‘Hello, Time Travellers!’ is a letter from the Doctor.
Me: Doctor Who Weekly used to have those. Is it signed ‘Happy Times and Places’?
Him: No. I think it might be Matt Smith’s handwriting, but I’m not sure.
Me: You might be right. I remember reading that Dez Skinn got Tom Baker to write ‘The Doctor’ as a signature, so that the one in the magazine would match the one you’d get if you managed to corner the Mighty One4 in Woolworths or something.
Him: Oooookay. ‘Tiny Terrors’ is information about the small monsters – or the mini-monsters – or the micro-menaces – that have been in the recent series.
Me: So it doesn’t go into rancid detail about the Nucleus-
Him/Me: - of the Prawn./?
Him: I said that.
Me: You didn’t, you interrupted me to claim credit.
Him: So, I said it first.
Me: Technically. But I was thinking it quicker.
Me: What’s this poster of then?
Him: The stairs to Atlantis.
Me: Which one?
Him: Oh, ‘AAAGH!’’s amazing!
There’s no reply. The Him’s reading it again.
Him: 'Creature Feature'. This is information on monsters from the Doctor Who series.
Me: Classic? New?
Him: I think it’s in general, because right now it’s the Adipose, and that’s a different Doctor.
Me: Have they done the Garm yet?
I should’ve worded that a bit better, perhaps.
Him: Who’s “The Garm”?
Me: The Garm’s what Digby will eventually evolve into after all that exposure to Gojira.
The Him makes a priceless, but confused, face at this. Quite right too: the syntax is all over the shop.
Undaunted, we move on to the Facts section.
Him: This week it’s the TARDIS key. I’m going to miss out the terrible pun they’ve got on Rocket Science.
Him: ‘Pocket Science’.
Me: Thanks for that. Is it interesting?
Him: Meh. I already knew all the stuff in it. I can’t believe you’re not going to do the ‘Monster Texts’.
Me: I can.
|BONUS GIANT POSTER|
Me: What’s this all about then?
Him: It looks a sunny day after it’s just rained recently.
Me: Symbolic of the series, hopefully?
|COMIC: "THIS IS A FAKE"|
Me: Would you like to say anything about this?
Him: Should I give them the story?
Me: I would.
Him: Are you sure you don’t want to tell it?
Me: I’m pretty sure that no-one else would want me to.
Him: Well they’ll just have to make do.
Me: But if Interpol turn up, the blog updates might get even more sporadic than they are already.
Him: I used all my holiday money on it though.
Me: “M’lud”. So, there’s a subscription page next. I’ll use this as an opportunity to:
|THE BIG SKY|
Him: ‘Big Sky’? Is that to do with The Poison Sky?
Me: No. It’s this update’s example of the hidden running gag for the Troughton entries. It’s not hidden here because it’s not a Troughton entry.5
Me: Well, I’ve run out of really vague photos for the Facts and the Letters sections, and seeing as people can only comment here if they’ve got themselves a blogspot account, I’ll do another plug for our Facebook and Twitter pages. What are your opinions of these final bits?
Him: They’re alright.
Me: And the puzzles?
Me: Would you like a Doctor Who comic that was just made up of comic strips then?
Him: Uh. Yeah. Yeah, I would.
Me: Okay. Shall I finish off with some self-indulgent shots of our time visiting the Colony?
Him: Well, yes.
Me: And we can just veg out.
|CONTROL MUST BE BELIEVED AND OBEYED!!|
|NO-ONE ON THE COLONY BELIEVES IN MACRA!!!|
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MACRA!!!!
MACRA DO NOT EXIST!!!!!
THERE ARE NO MACRAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Next Week: The Chameleons
|Lest we forget...|
1. In fairness to the mighty organ that is the DWA, it does take every opportunity to mention the Classic Series. It still isn’t as good as School Fun, however. Is there really no space on the market for a comic made up of comic strips? The Phoenix manages it…
2. Except for our loyal reader. He (or she) will just have choked on their Horlicks, I can almost guarantee it.3
3. This is a lie.
4. Sorry, Tharg.
5. It’s also not the only hidden running gag. “Give me things that don’t last long.”6
6. That might be the other one. Or one of the other ones at least. Or it might not. Don’t write in, it’s not for fun.