It was a large room, heavily outfitted with the usual badly ventilated furnaces, rows of bubbling crucibles, and one stuffed alligator. Things floated in jars. The air smelled of a limited life-expectancy.
-Terry Pratchett, Men At Arms
FANFARONADE
Me: It’s possible you might notice twenty-four7 more-expensive-than-usual words as you wander through this. We were pointed to a site containing illustrated unusual words by a chum on Twitter. While I was reading through it I was struck that almost all of the words could be applied to The Evil of the Daleks without too much forceful manipulation. As a result, I’ve decided to try an experiment with this entry to see if I was right, and help preserve some endangered words along the way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel rather scripturient. Shall we?
The Him sighs.
Him: Uh huh.
PROLOGUE
The Him’s in a foul mood. He’s been stuck in Firetop Mountain for ages, wandering up and down corridors. Oddly enough, this hasn’t put him in the right frame of mind for Doctor Who. (I know.)
Him: One of these moves. And there’s six.
I’m saying nothing…
EPISODE ONE
And we’re off. You coming?
Me: That’s…
Him: Look Around You.
Me: Supposed to be a classic this.
We’re back in Gatwick Airport. The TARDIS is on the back of a lorry. The Doctor and Jamie are running after it.
 |
| "Go on, lads!" |
Him: This is going to be hell.
The Him helps himself to an apple as the music gets really rather exciting. The Doctor and Jamie are still running.
Me: Movement!
 |
| "Oh! Unlucky. " |
The TARDIS vanishes in the general direction of Terminal Two. Dejected, the Doctor and Jamie follow the sounds of John Smith and the Common Men into a storage area. I’m not entirely sure why they think the gentleman in there would know where the TARDIS has gone, but they ask him anyway. The gentleman’s perplexed by Jamie.
Gentleman: Foreign, is he?
Jamie: Me foreign? You’re the one that’s foreign. I’m Scottish.
The Doctor: That’s right. TARDIS is a.. is a Gaelic word.
Him: Wouldn’t it be Gaelic though? Because Gaelic’s Irish.
Me: This is going to be hell.
I’m kidding there, it’s already singing. The script’s beautiful and Pat and Frazer (I feel we’re on first-name terms now) are sparkling nicely.
Elsewhere, a shifty-looking someone is listening in to this linguistic lost property debate – but who? And why?
It turns out that the TARDIS has actually been signed for by a ‘J. Smith’. Very mysterious. When the Doctor mentions getting the police involved, the gentleman remembers that the company in charge of collection were named ‘Leatherman’.
Armed with this new information, the Doctor and Jamie leave the store and continue their search, seemingly unaware either that they’ve been set up, or that they’re being followed by the shifty-looking someone. They stop to plan their next step.
Me: What’s the deal with the Krotons?
Him: The microwaves?
Or smaller versions of that thing above Torchwood. Ahem.
The Doctor’s suspicions have been raised and he spots the person following them (probably because he isn’t hiding behind a newspaper). The shifty-looking someone who’s been monitoring our heroes calls his base. His name’s Kennedy.
Elsewhere, the call is taken by a gentleman with some mighty impressive facial topiary. The plan appears to working superbly, they wanted the Doctor suspicious and now the Doctor and Jamie are following Bob Hall (the gentleman without the newspaper) everything’s falling into place.
The Doctor and Jamie hire a taxi to continue their pursuit.
Elsewhere, the gentleman with the marvellous sideburns is examining a quockerwodger with a magnifying glass. There’s a knock at the door and the arrival of Mr Perry is announced.
Me: Mistymisterwisty’s spend a lot of time on this.
A clock chimes out a Floyd intro. Perry’s very impressed. The timepiece itself is in mint condition, which isn’t bad going for an item that looks like it dates to 1870. Our mutton-chopped chum declares Victorian time pieces to be his speciality. Perry then makes a very interesting statement.
Perry: Whoever makes them, Mr Waterfield, they’d fool an expert.
The Him totally misses it.
Me: Oh. Did you notice anything there?
Him: No.
Waterfield is anxious that Perry confirms the safe arrival of the police box, which he does. Perry says it’s arrived fine. There’s a bit of back and forth about how far one’s prepared to stretch one’s morals for cash. Waterfield takes the hump a bit.
Waterfield: You may rest assured, I shall not ask you do anything ‘dicey’.
Me: This is ace.
Waterfield sends Perry off. He waits for the arrival of the owner of the police box, who’s still in a taxi at this point.
At this stage, I should mention that we’re properly watching it, which is why the pith’s dropped off a bit. Sorry about that.
There’s a fight and Bob Hall gets bashed by Kennedy. The Doctor and Jamie, hearing the noise, approach the door cautiously. They spy the man on the floor and rush in. He’s alive and gasping for ‘Ken-‘.
The Doctor: Ken? Ken who?
Bob Hall passes out. The Doctor finds something interesting and the Him starts to choke on a bit of apple.
Me: “Dumpy! Go and get that glass coffin we bin keepin by the woodshed, mate.”
The Him recovers, as I knew he would, so don’t write in.
The Doctor finds money, which doesn’t make sense. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for stealing the TARDIS either. It’s all very strange. The Doctor keeps rifling and comes across a packet of fags. Suddenly, Jamie’s distracted by a train. As the Doctor explains about the unfairness of peak and off-peak travel, Bob Hall springs to his loafers and legs it. The Him’s in fits at this animated escape.
Bob Hall’s left behind a book of matches that come from a coffee bar that specialises in hidden references.
 |
| Shame about the spelling mistake. |
Me: Ha!
The Doctor’s deducing. Jamie’s impressed.
Jamie: Now we’ve got something to go on.
The Doctor: It’s so little, Jamie. It’s too little.
Me: This is great.
Jamie: Now don’t give up, Doctor. Remember Bruce.
The Doctor: Bruce?
Jamie: Robert Bruce.
Me: What on earth can he mean?
Him: I’m learning about him in Scottish History. Again.
Me: That’s a very specific subject. Tell us a fact then.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: So, when you say ‘learning’…
Him: My group’s table is called ‘The Fluffy Sheeps’.
Me: I feel that to be a lie.
Him: It’s not a lie. I’m serious.
Me: Hmmm… Well, I don’t know much about Robert the Bruce other than that he could spin silk and injected his enemies with dissolving venom so he could drink them later. Of course, it's possible that Stewart Lee might have been lying about some of that.
Elsewhere, the plot moveth forward. Waterfield and Kennedy fill in the details. Kennedy reveals he’d planted the evidence the Doctor uncovered.
The Him’s still not twigged.
Waterfield produces promotional photos of the Doctor and Jamie and shows them to Kennedy.
Me: “Yeah, it was them. I recognised ‘em off the telly.”
Despite Waterfield’s problem with grokking modern argot, he manages to send Kennedy away. Waterfield moves some books on a shelf which activates a sliding panel that reveals a hidden room. Waterfield enters the futuristic, antiseptic space. He finds an ornate vase-thing on the floor, picks it up, looks around and leaves.
Him: Babies! Everybody loves babies.
Me: I think they’re cherubs.
Waterfield calls for Perry. He shows him the newly delivered vase and says it’s for a Doctor Galloway, who’s a collector of that type of thing. Waterfield’s a bit tied up and wonders if Perry wouldn’t mind taking a message to Doctor Galloway on his behalf. The photos make a reappearance.
Waterfield: Here is a photograph of Doctor Galloway. This is his assistant and secretary, Mr James McCrimmon.
The Him nods knowingly at this.
Perry is to tell the Doctor to come to the shop at ten o’clock tonight, which seems a bit late. Perry leaves on his mission and Waterfield, once again, slips into the mysterious back room.
The Doctor and Jamie are in the café. Jamie is fighting a losing battle with tarantism.
Me: “This is no time to be on the pull.”
The Doctor is perturbed. He’s figured out it’s a trap.
Me: I like the detective work.
In the back room, Waterfield is pleading with an unseen boss.
Waterfield: I’ve done everything that you’ve asked of me, isn’t that enough?
An overly curious Kennedy listens to the one-sided conversation through the door.
Waterfield: I’m talking to you. Come back!
Me: The music’s good here. If only they’d called it something else to maintain the surprise. But, that would defeat the object, I guess.
 |
| Jamie’s on the pull as a way of killing time. |
Me: That’s the actual The Beatles you can hear in the background.
Jamie returns to the Doctor. The girls didn’t have any useful information.
Perry introduces himself to the Doctor and delivers his message.
Me: Did you catch the name?
Him: ‘Mr Waterfield’?
Me: Yeah.
Him: Victoria?
Me: Go on!
Him: There aren’t enough Daleks.
Me: ‘Absence of the Daleks’. That’s what Dalek was going to be called at one point.1
Him: Yeah?
Me: Yeah. And then Terry N’s estate said that the BBC could use the Daleks after all.
The Doctor and Jamie agree to meet Edward Waterfield at the shop and Perry leaves. Our heroes plan.
Perry delivers his news to Waterfield.
Perry: See you in the morning, sir.
Waterfield: Erm… Yes. Yes. In the morning.
Cometh there a blackout.
And now it’s later. The shop is dark. Kennedy picks the door-lock and lets himself in. No good can come of this…
Me: And remember, this was going to be the final Dalek story. I’m expecting a big effort from David Whitaker.
Kennedy opens up the mysterious back room. He’s taken aback for a moment, but soon recovers and starts looking around. He finds a safe and opens it.
Suddenly, with a terrifying burst of Dudley, the air starts to shimmer behind Kennedy and an infandous student of ktenology begins coalescing.
A harsh, grating voice startles Kennedy, who turns, I fear, too late.
Far too late…
A harsh, grating voice startles Kennedy, who turns, I fear, too late.
Far too late…
Dalek Force: WHO-ARE-YOU?!-WHO-ARE-YOU?!-ANSWER!
Credits.
Me: That’s pretty good. Keeping the traditional cliffhanger at the end of ‘The Whatever of the Daleks’. I’m expecting Asylum of the Daleks to have a pre-credit sequence with Matt Smith and the Ponds flouncing around, filling in the time with comedy parp-parp music until it all goes suddenly serious, which allows the Doctor to pull his I’ve-just-sat-on-a-whelk face and say - “Daleks!” - like it’s a surprise.
EPISODE TWO
Me: This episode had the working title, ‘The Net Tightens’.
We recap. Kennedy can’t think of a decent answer fast enough and so becomes the first extermination victim of the story.
Me: “…still/on/the/floor/” Good burglar alarm.
Dalek Force fades away.
The intro to ‘Time’ tocks patiently on as the Doctor and Jamie break into the shop, half an hour earlier than they were supposed to. Prop-based comedy occurs as the Doctor inspects the shop’s contents.
The Doctor: Except that all these things are not reproductions. They’re all genuine.
Me: He’s given them a lick and the varnish is still wet.
Jamie gets it wrong. The lovely banter rattles on apace.
In the mysterious back room, Waterfield finds Kennedy. He confronts the Dalek that’s in there. I’m guessing it’s not Dalek Force, as he nicked off a while ago.
Waterfield: What are you dragging me into? You took a human life! Don’t you understand that?
Me: “SO?!”
Dalek: THERE-IS-ONLY-ONE-FORM-OF-LIFE-THAT-MAT-TERS!
Me: “KRILL!”
Him: ‘Krill’?
Me: “…UMM!-DA-LEK-LIFE!”
Him: Why krill?
Me: I like krill.
The Dalek fades leaving Waterfield to deal with a pitiless moment of clarity.
The Doctor and Jamie have heard a noise, they look for something to pick the lock of the door. Just then, the shop door opens and Perry enters. Our heroes hide.
Waterfield straightens up. He’s got to keep moving.
The Doctor alarms Perry.
The Doctor: I think you’ve got some explaining to do, Mr Kenneth Perry.
Perry: My name isn’t Kenneth. It’s Keith.
Me: Good pseudonym, Keith.
A slight amount of confusion is cleared up, as Perry names Kennedy.
Perry: Look, I’ll answer your questions if you answer mine.
Him: “You can have this bike if can answer this simple question: What’s the average annual rainfall of the Amazon basin?”
Me: Ha!
Waterfield places the photographs of our heroes into a box which he leaves on the floor.
The Doctor and Jamie continue their questioning of Perry.
The door to Waterfield’s office creaks open. Inside lies Kennedy. Perry tries to phone the police, but the line is full of static.
Me: Cybermen. Must be.
Perry runs off to get help. Although the opportunity’s there, the Doctor doesn’t seem to want to leave. Searching Kennedy, he finds something.
Him: “’I was killed by the Daleks.’ But what does it mean?”
It’s actually the Doctor’s picture. The Doctor has an idea and sends Jamie to measure the length of the hall. From the result, he deduces that there must be another room behind a hidden panel.
Me: That’s the Rorschach test. Hurm.
Music rears its inquisitive head and the panel slides open of its own volition.
Him: Scaaaaary.
The Doctor is really pleased to have found this hidden room. Watched by a lurking Waterfield, the Doctor spies the other part of his photo in the box on the floor. Reaching to claim it, he and Jamie are overcome by a sudden cloud of gas. They collapse.
Me: Sneaky.
Perry returns with the police as Waterfield and our heroes disappear into a blackout.
Birds twitter. The picture comes slowly back into focus.
We’re in a Victorian drawing room or something. A piano trembles in a sinister fashion. The Doctor and Jamie wake up with hangovers. A maid named Mollie enters with tea. She chuckles about last night’s party.
We’re in a Victorian drawing room or something. A piano trembles in a sinister fashion. The Doctor and Jamie wake up with hangovers. A maid named Mollie enters with tea. She chuckles about last night’s party.
Mollie: The master sent this in for you.
The Doctor: The Master?
Him: Not that one.
Me: Jamie must be feeling rough. He’s not flirting with Mollie.
To compound this welter of confusion, an acersecomic black-belt in pogonotrophy enters.
Me: What a beard!
Him: “You find a room. It’s full of Alan Moore.”
Mollie is sent away by Theodore Maxtible, the bearded gentleman whose house this is. Waterfield is with him.
Maxtible: You’re in my house, some miles from Canterbury. The date is June 2nd 1866.
The Doctor is furious, but Maxtible continues.
Maxtible: We are all of us, victims of a higher power. A power more evil and more terrible than the human brain can imagine.
Me: “Cybermen.”
Waterfield: They’ve taken my daughter Victoria.
The Doctor: Who are they?
Me: Cybermen. Bound to be.
But Maxtible’s not yet ready to spill the beans. He asks the Doctor to accompany himself and Waterfield for further exposition. Waterfield begs the Doctor to help, Victoria’s life depends on full cooperation.
The Doctor’s attention is drawn to a portrait of the late Mrs Waterfield.
Me: “The shock of the painting struck her dead.”
Him: That reminds me of the Linda McCartney Memorial Fountain.
Me: It was a garden.
And then, to the sounds of more tweeting, we meet Victoria herself.
 |
| Victoria Waterfield. A lady. |
Me: There she is.
Him: She looks like Leela.
A Cockney Dalek enters. He’s concerned that Victoria’s going a bit leptosomic.
Cockney Dalek: YOU-‘AVE-NOT-EAT-EN!
Me: “YOU-WILL-WASTE-AWAY!-EAT!-EAT!!”
Cockney Dalek: YOU-WILL-NOT-FEED-THE-FLY-ING-PESTS-OUT-SIDE!-AN-SWER!
Victoria: Yes.
Me: “IN-CORR-ECT!”
Him: How did it open the door?
Me: It’s a genius.
The Cockney Dalek bullies Victoria onto some electronic scales which emit an horrific whine.
Him: Kills the birds.
Me: And stops surly teenagers hanging around outside.
The Cockney Dalek is unhappy with Victoria’s weight.
Me: “YOU-WILL-WASTE-A-WAY!”
Him: “HAVE-SOME-CHIPS!-COR-BLI-MEY!-COR-BLI-MEY!”
Victoria: For pity’s sake, let me go!
Me: “SHUT-IT!”
Cockney Dalek: SPEAK-WHEN-YOU-ARE-TOLD-TO-SPEAK!-MORE-FOOD-WILL-COME!-EAT-IT-OR-YOU-WILL-BE-FED-BY-FORCE!
Me: ‘Force’ is the name of the grumpiest Dalek.
Him: Ha!
Victoria is left sobbing. Which is a sentence you’ll be hearing a lot over the coming stories, so you’d better get used to it.
The Doctor has been taken to Maxtible’s lab. Maxtible gets Waterfield’s name wrong and offers the Doctor a cigar. Maxtible, a born ultracrepidarian if ever there was one, lays into his story with fervent aplomb. Maxtible’s a filthy rich loon who wants to travel through time using mirrors and static electricity.
The Doctor: Static?
Me: The penny plummets.
These two gentlemen continue to outline their chrononautical rambling technique. It’s more mentally divergent than montivagant, it has to be said.
Me: Alchemy: more fun than science.
Him: This is physics.
Me: Scottish physics, perhaps. Nah – it’s alchemy.
These mad meddlings ultimately resulted in an effect that probably seemed ostentiferous right up until the Cockney Dalek started its unique Waterfield Junior Weight-Watchers Club.
Waterfield becomes upset and is comforted by Maxtible whose hamartia would seem to be thinking that everything’s going to be fine because he can always hide behind his money and his beard. And if that fails, you’ve just got to be able to outrun your ‘friends’.
Waterfield becomes upset and is comforted by Maxtible whose hamartia would seem to be thinking that everything’s going to be fine because he can always hide behind his money and his beard. And if that fails, you’ve just got to be able to outrun your ‘friends’.
As Waterfield takes up the story, you can tell the Doctor’s sensing pennies dropping faster and faster, like a Barry Island penny-cascade jackpot.
There’s no music, but you can hear it anyway: a held note from a single violin, that rises and rises, refusing to resolve as the rest of the string section join in and the terrifying sound blossoms into a panic-laced cacophonous fugue of impeding doom.
There’s no music, but you can hear it anyway: a held note from a single violin, that rises and rises, refusing to resolve as the rest of the string section join in and the terrifying sound blossoms into a panic-laced cacophonous fugue of impeding doom.
Well, that’s what it felt like to me. Please yourself.
Waterfield: We had opened the way for them with our experiments. They forced me into the horror of time travel, Doctor. They ordered me to steal a box belonging to you and thus lure you into a trap and transport you here, together with your colleague Mr McCrimmon.
Me: “Because they really like his legs.”
Him: What?
The Doctor: What are they called, these creatures?
Me: Oh dear.
A door crashes open behind the men. The Doctor swings and is greeted by a Dalek.
Him: Did that Dalek just call him, “DOG-TURD!”?
Me: Um… No. But they are getting more and more evil, so it’s only a matter of time.
Troughton is magnificent. That’s all you need to know. Go and watch it now.
The Dalek gloats and threatens. The TARDIS will be destroyed if the Doctor doesn’t help them with an experiment.
The Doctor: What experiment?
The Dalek wants to test Jamie. But it’s going to be a surprise. It leaves.
It’s fair to say that the Doctor’s less than happy with Maxtible and Waterfield. Maxtible has a theory that the Daleks might be hoping to find some sort of Human Factor they can apply to themselves in order to stop getting their backsides kicked by humanity. They might not of course, but that’s Maxtible’s theory and it sounds pretty good to him. Whatever, the Doctor’s in a zugzwang.
Elsewhere, Jamie’s feeling better and more awake. Maxtible’s daughter Ruth arrives and sends Mollie away. Fair play to Jamie, the ladies do seem to hurl themselves at him. Ruth asks how he’s feeling.
Jamie: I don’t know what this stuff is, but it seems to work all right.
Me: “It’s Guinness.”
Ruth leaves. Jamie, his vernalagnia reinstated, begins flirting with the painting.
Windsor Davies creeps, delivers a recumbentibus to the back of Jamie's head, then creeps back out.
Mollie returns.
Mollie returns.
Mollie: Shall I pour for you?
Me: Best had, Jamie’s unconscious.
Windsor Davies returns and jumps on Mollie.
The Doctor and Waterfield arrive to find Jamie gone, and Mollie in a bad way.
The Doctor: If we cannot find Jamie, the Daleks will take pleasure in killing everyone in sight, and their greatest pleasure will be in killing me.
Me: I love the way this is being taken seriously.
Meanwhile, the Daleks are already getting impatient.
Dalek Force: THERE-WILL-BE-NO-DE-LAY!
Me: But, without a delay, when will the Countdown Dalek appear?
And on that cliffhanger, the credits roll and the story stops moving.
EPISODE THREE
We recap. The Daleks are in a rush to get going, and Jamie’s still missing. In the drawing room, Maxtible attempts to stir Mollie. It’s not working.
Jamie awakes to find himself in a barn. Windsor Davies is putting on an accent, but you can still tell it’s him. Jamie is introduced to ‘Mr Nod’, who appears to be a truncheon. I await his Monster Invasion card with interest.
Someone else arrives in the barn, he’s rather well-dressed. He pays Windsor Davies his finder’s fee and calls him ‘Toby’. There’s a bit of a scuffle and Windsor (‘Toby’) Davies leaves. Jamie watches in bemusement as this well-dressed gentleman is abruptly gorgonized by the Radiophonic Workshop. The moment passes but it leaves the chap a bit yonderly. He snaps himself back to normal and thrusts his hand out – possibly - to the increasingly bewildered Jamie.
Arthur: I’m afraid I haven’t introduced myself. Arthur Terrall.
Jamie: No, never mind about that. Did you, or did you not, ask that man to knock me on the head and then bring me in here?
It’s a fair question, and who among us can truly say we haven’t been in a similar position?
Arthur: Most certainly not.
The Doctor arrives. It doesn’t really help. Jamie repeats what’s happened in the last three minutes for anyone whose kettle took a long time to boil. The Doctor stuns Jamie with the news that Victoria Waterfield isn’t actually in Paris after all.
The Doctor: I know what’s happened to Victoria. She’s a prisoner of the Daleks.
Me: Ah. That can be a dreadful, dreadful experience.
To prove this, the scene changes. The flirty Cockney Dalek we met earlier is moving Victoria to new quarters. Dudley seems to have contracted a dose of McCrimmon’s Vernalagnia as the music for this scene is quite lilting and pastoral. Romantic even. I’m guessing it’s a motif entitled ‘Victorian Beauty’ or ‘I am Victoria’ or something. It’s lovely, but it doesn’t really work with the scene, which I’m moderately certain isn’t supposed to sound like the tear-wrenching dying moments of Brief Encounter. Unless…
 |
Victoria: Are you taking me back to my father? |
Cockney Dalek: NO!-YOU-ARE-BE-ING-MOVED!
 |
| He swings gracefully, though his duty is a titanic burden lying heavy on the house-mouse-of-unrequited-love’s fragile spine. |
Cockney Dalek: DO-NOT-BE-AFRAID!-YOU-ARE-NOT-TO-BE-EX-TER-MIN-ATED!
Me: “DO-YOU-THINK-ME-HAND-SOME?!”
Victoria clomps daintily down the corridor behind her suitor.
Cockney Dalek: MOVE!
The Doctor and Waterfield are arguing about Jamie. The Doctor has already gone against the Dalek’s wishes and informed Jamie that they’re involved. Waterfield is concerned about this. And Jamie’s overheard the whole thing. Which raises the question, was that the Doctor’s intention after all?
Maxtible’s in his lab, alcheming. A Dalek glides in. I have a sudden moment where I realise just how much better this story is than everything Jane Austen ever wrote. Ahem.
Me: “Emma and Extermination”? “Sense and Static Electricity”?
Maxtible brings in a servant named Kemel (Sonny Caldinez). Maxtible’s had him posted from London especially. This scene contains the first appearance of a fez in Doctor Who, and so it’s a shame it no longer exists, except in the BBC Canteen. (The episode that is, the fez is still acting, and recently made a brief appearance in The Big Bang.)
Me: I think he might be coming back as an Ice Warrior quite soon.
Maxtible gets Kemel to bend some iron bars for him, and then arrange some stools and indulge in some distinctly amateur carpentry.
Me: We’ll hear that noise again when Tom Baker breaks a brick in Robot.
Maxtible shows Kemel a picture of Jamie, describing him as a very dangerous man that Kemel must stop. Maxtible’s a bounder.
The beard and the fez walk down a candlelit hall to the booby-trapped entrance to the south wing. Kemel must wait here and stop Jamie. Even if Kemel fails, it seems certain that Jamie will be pulped beneath a pair of musical axes. Or the other way round – musical axes and then fez. Grim stuff either way.
The Doctor and a Dalek are having a heated exchange. The Daleks are after the Human Factor. They need Jamie, because his time time-travelling with the Doctor has made him unique.
Me: They try this again in New York.
The Doctor ‘agrees’ to the Dalek demands. Jamie isn’t to be informed that there’s anything dicey going on. His mission will be to rescue Victoria.
Back in the drawing room our unsuspecting(?) Scottish guinea-pig is introduced to Arthur by Ruth. During a bit of verbal sparring, the Radiophonic Workshop pitch in again, leaving Arthur grunting and discombobulated. Ruth carries Arthur off, leaving Jamie to flirt with Mollie.
 |
Me: Oh Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. |
Mollie fills Jamie in with a bit of back story about Arthur and ghosts and that. The Doctor enters, and Mollie, in a fluster, blushes off.
Him: Mollie should have been a companion.
Jamie and the Doctor have an argument. A proper one. It’s superb.
Waterfield enters, rattling the crypt further.
Me: This is great.
Jamie leaves to rescue Victoria.
Me: Was that a double-bluff do you think?
Him: It was.
Windsor (‘Toby’) Davies meets with Arthur in the barn. There’s a quick moment of blackmail. Once again, we’re watching it.
Me: It reminds me of Bleak Expectations a bit.
The Radiophonic Workshop strike again, and Windsor (‘Toby’) Davies seizes his moment and introduces the whirling Arthur to Mr Nod. Stepping over the body, Windsor (‘Toby’) Davies makes his way back toward the house.
Jamie frightens Mollie in the dark. She shows him a plan of the house.
Me: Mistymisterwisty’s done an alright job on this reconstruction.
The Daleks have rigged up a device to monitor the experiment. It’s hard to tell what the Doctor’s really up to.
Jamie is led by Mollie in the general direction of the south wing.
Windsor (‘Toby’) Davies is startled by Waterfield’s over-zealous burglar-alarm and exterminated. The noise fair puts the wind up poor Mollie, but luckily, Jamie comforts her.
Mollie leaves. Jamie lights a candle.
Me: Movement!
A door slides across and Jamie enters – narrowly avoiding a musical portcullis.
 |
| plink plink |
Jamie heads deeper into the house -
Me: Movement!
- only to be confronted by Kemel -
Jamie: Hello.
- and his fez.
Jamie: Who are you?
Credits!
EPISODE FOUR
Me: This episode had the working title, ‘A Test of Skill’.
Him: “Attempt to obtain every one.”
Me: Near enough.
We’re off.
Me: Interesting countdown. This is the highest rated of all the Patrick Troughton stories according to the Doctor Who Magazine Top 200 poll. It’s number 18.
Him: ‘This is BBC1.’
Me: Fair enough.
We’re off.
Jamie’s in trouble with Kemel and his fez. There’s a brief bit of movement from somewhere (not here) and then radio battle is joined!
Jamie wins and runs off, popping a chair under the door handle,
Him: (sings) “Jaaaamie McCrimmon/Yeah!”
Unfortunately, the door opens inwards, so the chair doesn’t come as much of an obstacle. Jamie hides and Kemel chases. Following a bit of back and forth, Kemel ends up falling out of a window and hanging on to a drainpipe.
Being a good sort, Jamie lowers a rope to Kemel, who grabs it gratefully. Jamie hauls Kemel to safety.
Me: Go on, Jamie. They’ll be chums now.
Him: ‘In seconds they’ll be hugging each other and saying they’re best friends. And that’s why lambs should never drink.’
Me: Eh?
Him: Who? What is it?
Me: That whole lamb speech.
Him: Sorry, I didn’t hear anything. Must’ve been… the silence of the lambs.
Me: Ha! Brilliant.
The Cockney Dalek and Victoria have had a row. He’s putting a brave eyestalk on it, but she’s in bits. He’s brought her a hanky.
Me: “WIPE-YOUR-NOSE!”
 |
Him: Looks more like a nappy. “I-WILL-CHANGE-THE-KA-LED-BABY-DEAR!” |
Me: Ace.
Victoria’s nowhere to be seen. The Cockney Daleks sighs, sheds a single mucousy tear, and then drops the hanky on the wooden plank that passes for the cell’s bed.
Me: Don’t know what that was about.
Sobbing silently, he glides away.
Jamie, Kemel and the fez arrive. Kemel shoves Jamie out of the arc of a HUGE musical axe.
 |
| No comment. |
Kemel, Jamie and the fez leave the room and limp further into the house.
Him: Does anyone speak in this episode?
Me: Nope. It’s the only Silent episode until The Impossible Astronaut.
The Him gets it.Him: Look! The Scream looks like the Silence!2 Am I the first person to come up with that?
Me: Other than Steven Moffat and the designers, you mean?
Him: Yeah.
The Him doesn’t get it.
The Doctor and the Daleks are observing Jamie’s progress. The Doctor’s giving a positive review, but the Dalek’s basically replying with “I-COULD-DO-THAT!-AND-WITH-OUT-ANY-OF-THESE-PES-KY-E-MO-TIONS!”
The Doctor: If you want the Human Factor, a part of it must include mercy.
Me: ‘A hand to hold. Wild...’
Maxtible and Waterfield discover the body of Windsor (‘Toby’) Davies. A Dalek slides in, quite chuffed with itself.
Chuffed Dalek: O-BEY-ME!
Waterfield draws attention to Maxtible’s hamartia.
Waterfield: Why do you consistently avoid reality, Maxtible? Another man has died! Can’t you grasp that fact?
Chuffed Dalek: YOU-WILL-HIDE-THE-RE-MAINS-OF-THE-DEAD-HU-MAN-IN-TRU-DER!
Maxtible’s fine with this plan, but Waterfield’s conscience is going full-Hellraiser II.
Waterfield: No!
Chuffed Dalek: DIS-POSE-OF-THE-BODY!-O-BEY!
As much as I love the new series of Doctor Who, I’d be very surprised to find a scene like this appearing in it. It hasn’t got any music for a start.
Waterfield explains to Maxtible that whatever happens, once he’s got Victoria safe, he’ll be handing himself in to the authorities and confessing everything. Silently, Maxtible moves away to a drawer. He removes a gun and places it in his pocket.
‘Show, don’t tell’ is a tricky rule to follow when you’re dealing with a soundtrack that’s been recorded from the telly over forty years ago illustrated with very basic animated screen snaps, so it’s a fine testament to the power of the script, the direction and the performances of all involved, that this is exactly what’s just occurred. Sometimes, you just don’t need to underline every moment with comedy parp-parp music and self-conscious portentous dialogue. Give the audience the clues and they’ll work out what they’re supposed to be feeling for themselves. Sometimes, it’s worth trusting them. Show. Don’t tell. Here endeth the lesson.
The fez, Kemel and Jamie have made friends. Kemel writes his name in the dust for Jamie. The fez remains cagey.
Kemel mimes that he’s been given a flower by Victoria and he’s massively appreciative of this gift, although it’s also possible that Kemel actually wants a Volkswagen and that Jamie’s totally misread the dust. (General fan-consensus holds that this isn’t the case.) Jamie and Kemel decide to team up.
The Doctor’s still up to stuff in the laboratory.
Waterfield and Maxtible are disposing of Windsor (‘Toby’) Davies in the barn. It’s quietly tense.
The Him’s phone whistles.
Waterfield: What was that? Did you hear it?
Us: Ha!
Waterfield: There was a… noise…
Me: Your phone wasn’t it?
Him: Slightly.
Me: Well, tell them that.
Maxtible lays into Waterfield verbally.
Me: Inaction is action.
Maxtible sends the unravelling Waterfield back to the house, and as he leaves, Maxtible raises his gun, preparing to shoot his friend. Arthur makes a timely appearance and another murder is averted.
Arthur: You will obey!
Elsewhere, Daleks swish along a corridor while Jamie, Kemel and the fez watch from above. They keep moving south. Suddenly, Kemel triggers an alarm and a musical pendulum swings from the shadows, narrowly missing the trio. After a deep breath, they press on, observed by a sneaky Dalek.
Me: This isn’t bad at all.
The Doctor describes the theory of instinct to a Dalek that really isn’t interested in anything other than suspicion, hate and exterminating. It’s worth a shot of course, but this isn’t ‘Noegenesis of the Daleks’, so it’s never going to work.
In a heartbreaking scene, the Cockney Dalek pretends he doesn’t know Victoria. After all, he’s married to the job.
Cockney Dalek: NAME?!
Victoria: Victoria.
Cockney Dalek: LOU-DER!
Victoria: Victoria! Victoria Waterfield! You know my name!
Cockney Dalek: SI-LENCE!
Pause. If you’re going to say anything to fix this tragic situation, mate, then now’s the time.
Cockney Dalek: IN-SPEC-TION-IS-O-VER!-RE-TURN-TO-YOUR-
He hesitates. Could there be a chance? Is it possible that the dying embers of their passion might yet be rekindled?
Cockney Dalek: -ROOM!
Guess not.
Jamie’s seen all this play out and is mighty impressed with Mr Waterfield’s daughter. Looks like she’s single too. Kemel and the fez will create a distraction and draw the Daleks away while Jamie clambers up he balcony (or just takes the stairs, which’ll probably be more sensible) and rescues the, remarkably popular, Miss Waterfield.
The Doctor continues explaining human thought patterns to the Dalek, but it’s only killing time until it’s time for killing, and isn’t really bothered.
Elsewhere in Maxtible’s labyrinthine mansion , Mollie’s in the middle of a confrontation with Arthur. Mollie’s sure she heard Victoria’s voice in the fireplace, but, as Arthur points out, that’s hardly likely because Victoria’s off visiting Count Scarlioni in Paris. Ruth has been awakened by the shouting and comes out for a look. Arthur sends the tearful Mollie off to await a damn good thrashing. Ruth’s concerned by Arthur’s uncharacteristic behaviour and comes down the stairs to see him.
Maxtible, meanwhile, is fitting the profile of Misguided Dalek Flunky nicely. It’s Mavic Chen all over again. Marvellous.
Maxtible: We have a partnership. An understanding.
Dalek Force: YOU-HAVE-O-BEYED-US!
Maxtible: You have a strange way of putting things.
Dalek Force can’t be bothered with this and shoves Maxtible to the ground.
Dalek Force: DO-NOT-THREAT-EN!-O-BEY!
Dalek Force glides to leave, but Maxtible’s not quite finished. He’s been promised secrets, so when will that be honoured?
Dalek Force: THE-DA-LEKS-KNOW-MANY-SE-CRETS!-YOU-WILL-LEARN-THE-MOST-IM-POR-TANT!
Dalek Force leaves and Maxtible lies to himself. Just then, Ruth appears.
 |
| Ruth Maxtible. A lady. |
Ruth’s overheard Maxtible talking to someone and she’s worried about Arthur. Maxtible sighs. The time has come to reveal another of Whitaker’s underlying themes of the story. Possibly the most important one.
Maxtible: For centuries now, men have searched for the greatest secret of all. Some say it was known to the ancient alchemists. Some say that the secret never existed at all. But, still the stories, and the rumours, and the search goes on.
Ruth: What secrets?
Brace yourselves…
Maxtible: THE TRANSMUTATION OF METAL INTO GOLD! CHANGING METAL INTO GOLD!
Me: Alchemy, eh? I’d best not go off on one here.
In the south wing, the Cockney Dalek forces Victoria to re-enact the tragic scene we saw earlier.
Me: We’ve seen this.
Him: No, it’s different.
Suddenly, Kemel gets involved and ends this tragic tale of doomed love by chucking the Cockney Dalek on a fire.
Me: Well. Good job, I guess. I like the idea and I couldn’t do it any better.
Cockney Dalek: GLLRK!
Jamie climbs up to the balcony and pulls Kemel and the fez up behind him. The rail breaks, but once again Jamie saves Kemel (and the fez).
This moment of heroism is greeted with what at first appears to be Dudley playing against our musical expectations. And then we see what Dudley’s done. Triumph turns to slurry as the Dalek guarding Victoria upstairs swoops out to say hello to Jamie, the fez, Kemel and the credits.
Me: Well, I enjoyed it.
EPISODE FIVE
Seeing as mistymisterwisty hasn’t reconned the rest, and I’m not watching an animated one, we’re left with no choice.
We recap.
 |
| Him: This picture’s terrible. |
Me: It’s better than it could’ve been.
Jamie, Kemel and the fez start throwing Daleks around, setting off an alarm. They make their way into the room where Victoria’s held, barricading the door behind them.
And there she is. Jamie wastes no time, introduces himself and starts on some weapons-grade flirting.
Me: Here he goes.
The Doctor and Arthur are having a chat, Arthur isn’t delighted about this. The Doctor peruses a knife collection and then casually drops that he’s never seen Arthur eat or drink into the conversation.
The two dance conversationally around each other, Edgar Allen Poe gets a mention, the Doctor notices that Arthur’s sword is magnetic (no mention is made of his seat I’m afraid, Edinburgh fans). The Doctor suggests that Arthur might be full of static electricity just as Waterfield arrives and declares that our hero is needed elsewhere. Arthur attempts to win the dance by getting the last word in. It’s not to be.
Arthur: Doctor. No doubt you’re a keen student of human nature, but some things are better left alone.
The Doctor: No, Mister Terrall, I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a far wider academy, of which human nature is merely a part. All forms of life interest me.
Me: Nice.
The Doctor leaves. Having lost the dance, Arthur attempts to have the final word by necking some port but, due to his cacodemonania, fails utterly.
Dalek Announcer: O-BEY!-O-BEY!
There’s port everywhere, and it’s murder to shift that stuff from an antique rug.
Behind the barricade in the south wing, Jamie, Kemel, Victoria and the fez are filling in the story. Jamie and Victoria are doing most of the talking to be fair. Jamie keeps referencing The Power of the Daleks, which seems an age ago now. It’s hard to believe that this is the final story of a season that started with The Smugglers. Anyway, Jamie works out that someone in Maxtible’s Mansion is in league with the Daleks.
In the laboratory, Maxtible’s hypnotising Mollie, which is a bit of a shame as she’ll never get the port out of the rug now and it’ll be ruined. Dudley does us all proud for this scene.
Him: Does rice make ghosts explode?
Pause.
Me: No.
Maxtible removes Mollie’s memories and sends her back to her room. Arthur congratulates him.
Arthur: I’d no idea that mesmerism was one of your accomplishments.
Me: Linking in nicely with the magnetism and all the electricity.
Arthur confesses to Maxtible that he feels himself to be in the grip of something, little suspecting it’s the Radiophonic Workshop working in cahoots with the Daleks. Maxtible opens a panel in the wall and sends Arthur off to fetch Victoria for him.
Dalek Announcer: O-BEY!-O-BEY!-O-BEY!
The Doctor and Waterfield are examining the results of the experiment.
The Doctor: Jamie was magnificent, but then I knew he would be. He produced a whole battery of emotions, each one of which is imprinted in here. See?
Waterfield: The Human Factor?
The Doctor: Well, a part of it at least, the better part: courage, pity, chivalry, friendship even… compassion.
The Doctor has produced a positronic brain, loaded with Human Factor.
Me: Asimov again.
The plan is to insert copies of the Human Factor into three test Daleks. The Doctor isn’t sure what’ll happen to the Daleks in question. They may go mad. Waterfield points out they may well become invincible super-beings, as is the Dalek plan.
The Doctor: I can’t help feeling there’s more in this than meets the eye.
Dalek Force skates in.
Dalek Force: BE-CARE-FUL!
Me: It’s looking out for everyone.
As the Dalek leaves, Waterfield begs the Doctor to stop, there’s still time to reconsider.
The Doctor: It was too late when they took away your daughter!
Me: God, Troughton’s brilliant.
As it is, the Doctor appears to have had a plan all along. Proper fans’d love it if I said something about chess and the Cartmel Masterplan here, so I won’t. And just when you think it can’t get any better, the scene actually steps up a gear. At this point, I feel compelled to deliver a personal opinion.
Me: Every Doctor needs a damn good Dalek story to define their character really, otherwise their tenure feels slightly unfinished. William Hartnell had The Daleks (or The Mutants or The Dead Planet or The Red Fort or whatever the rel you want to call it), The Dalek Invasion of Earth and The Daleks’ Master Plan. Heck, even The Chase is pretty good if you squint.
I’ll skip Troughton for a moment and jump straight to Pertwee and Day of the Daleks. Seeing as the blog’s entitled ‘No Complications’ I think we really have to declare an interest in that one. It sustains what it needs to sustain over the four episodes well enough, reintroduces the Adversaries and does what it needs to do. The Him’s keen on Death to the Daleks too.
Tom’s got Genesis, and then Davison, Baker and McCoy roll the R’s. After that, we hit a problem. Going by the voices and the Spider-Dalek design, it’s a blessing that McGann didn’t get a Dalek story (the books and the audio don’t count – say what you like, you’re wrong, they don’t). Dalek knocks it out of the park and Bad Wolf and Parting of the Ways tread a very fine line but succeed – largely due to their cojones, so Christopher Ecclestone’s safe.
But then…
Well. Julian Bleach’s excellent channelling of Michael Wisher’s Davros aside, it’s not been great has it? I’d argue that David Tennant didn’t even have a good Dalek story, let alone a Doctor-defining one, and the new team fumbled the ball for Matt Smith. Luckily, they get a second shot with Asylum of the Daleks, so, it’s everything crossed for that, because let’s not forget that Patrick Troughton only had two Dalek stories, both in his first series, and they turned out to be not only two of the best Dalek stories to date, but two of the best Doctor Who stories to date. Speaking of which…
 |
| "Have I the right?" |
Jamie, the fez and Kemel fail to notice a wall open behind them. Arthur reaches through the gap and abducts Victoria. Noticing that their party’s down in number (and hearing Victoria’s screams), Jamie deduces there must be another exit. They find the hidden exit and slip through. It’s almost too late. As Jamie, Kemel and the fez make their escape, the barricade fails and Daleks gush into the room.
In the tunnels within the walls, Victoria manages to escape Arthur and runs off.
Jamie and Kemel split up. Jamie manages to catch up with Arthur and engages him in a sword fight, proving that this story has the lot. And there’s still two parts and a couple of twists yet to go.
Jamie: Where’s Victoria Waterfield?
Arthur: You’ll never find her!
Mollie and Ruth come across the struggling gentlemen. Chairs are thrown. Jamie wins just as the Doctor enters. He commands Ruth to take Arthur as far away as possible. The Doctor finds a controlling box on Arthur’s neck – he removes it, and Arthur’s back to normal.
Kemel and the fez have found Victoria in the laboratory. Unfortunately, so has Dalek Force.
Dalek Force: TURN-A-ROUND!-PICK-UP-THE-HU-MAN-FE-MALE!-O-BEY!-O-BEY!-HURRY!-HURRY!-MOVE-INTO-THE-CAB-I-NET!-O-BEY!-MOVE!
Me: Nice.
Him: “NOW-DANCE!-DANCE!!-DANCE-FOR-MY-A-MUSE-MENT!!!”
The four of them disappear to wherever it is the cabinet leads to. (Alright, it’s Skaro.)
Jamie’s not even slightly pleased with the Doctor’s behaviour. It’s another fabulous scene in a story that seems stuffed with them.
Jamie: Look, Doctor, just whose side are you on?
The Him doesn’t say anything.
Me: Important moment this.
Three Daleks enter the laboratory. This is where we’ll see how the experiment has fared. The Daleks begin rearranging furniture. Maxtible comes in and explains to Jamie how his quest for Victoria has created a blueprint of the Human Factor that has been added to the trio of confused Daleks milling about the laboratory.
The Doctor is cornered by the Daleks, one grabs him and begins to move off. Suddenly, the Doctor has a moment of realisation.
The Doctor: Jamie, they’re taking me for a ride! Jamie, they’re playing a game! It’s a game!
And, as the Doctor celebrates his seemingly successful act of enantiodromia, we fade into the credits.
Me: How cool?
Him: They play trains with him, don’t they?
Me: “TIE-HIM-TO-THE-TRACKS!”
Him: “CHOO!-CHOOOOO!!”
EPISODE SIX
And we’re off…
Me: It’s an odd cliffhanger, now I think about it.
Dalek Infant: TRAINS!-TRAINS!
The Doctor’s delighted and excited, Maxtible’s being sinister and Jamie’s not saying anything. The Daleks move on from ‘Trains’ to:
Dalek Infant: DIZ-ZY!-DIZ-ZY!-DIZ-ZY-DOC-TOR!
Me: Actually, this is bonkers.
The Doctor enthuses about the Daleks sense of humour, but Maxtible’s not impressed and leaves.
The Doctor: Well, they’re just children – but they’ll grow up very fast, in a matter of hours.
Me: I wonder if this the track that Asylum of the Daleks is going to take.
Him: I hope it is. That’d be awesome. It should be these Daleks – they’ve been locked in the asylum by the other Daleks.
Me: Victory of the Daleks borrowed liberally from Power of the Daleks, so I don’t see why not.
The Doctor names the Daleks Alpha, Beta and Omega and introduces them to Jamie.
Me: They sound a lot creepier than usual.
There’s a quick Dalek singalong, before our new chums trundle off into the cabinet to return to Skaro.
Me: Why might that be important?
The Him comes up with a massive theory on the spot. It’s magnificent, but it’s wrong, so I don’t write it down.
Me: Apart from Kembel3 this is the first time the Doctor’s returned to a planet.5
Him: ‘A line has been crossed. No-one is safe.’
Elsewhere, Maxtible’s lying to Waterfield to get him to go away. When he’s alone, Maxtible opens a carrying case and removes some clothes for a spot of xenisation. He’s interrupted in his preparations by Dalek Force.
Maxtible: What is that box for?
Dalek Force: DO-NOT-QUES-TION!
Me: Maxtible’s after the SORCEROR’S stone, y’see.6
Him: Really?
Me: Yup.
Maxtible is sent off to fetch the Doctor and Jamie for a brief jaunt to the Dalek homeworld.
After literally minutes of looking, Waterfield hasn’t been able to find Victoria anywhere, which is hardly surprising seeing as she’s on Skaro, which is even further away than Paris. He’s returned to the laboratory in time to overhear Maxtible’s scheming and he’s furious. Waterfield runs off and Dalek Force returns to see what all the shouting’s about. Maxtible blusters from where he’s landed and Dalek Force announces that the box is a bomb. Upon this signal the box/bomb starts pinging.
Me: Sounds like a countdown to me. Where’s our boy? Where is he? Bring out the Countdown Dalek.
Having failed to keep up with his home insurance payment, Maxtible is understandably upset that his marvellous mansion will soon be scattered over a square half-mile or so. He calls for the Doctor as he runs into the cabinet followed by the remaining Daleks.
 |
| Countdown Dalek: FOUR-TEEN!-THIR-TEEN! (original dialogue sourced from The Daleks) |
The Doctor and Jamie arrive, but can’t do anything to stop the pinging. They help Waterfield into the transporter...
Him: Ka-Blooey!
Maxtible’s life’s work is destroyed in the ensuing biblioclasm, along with the rest of his huge home. In honour of this there’s a-
Blackout.
Victoria awakes to find Kemel washing her face. A Dalek glides in.
Me: “HAVE-YOU-DE-CREASED-IN-MASS!?”
Him: Where’s that from?
Me: It’s lifted from a Treehouse of Horror.
Him: Oh, that’s right.
To no-one’s delight, Maxtible arrives and announces that they’re on Skaros. He’s doomed, it’s just a matter of when now.
Him: “Victorian Watercress”?
Me: Very good
 |
| "I'm a genius. Yes, I am." |
Me: I’m fairly sure that Maxtible works at the Panopticon in Glasgow now, so he must get out of this story mostly alive at least.
A Dalek arrives and takes Maxtible off. Victoria promises to protect Kemel. He’s doomed, it’s just a matter of when now.
Jamie, Waterfield and the Doctor are looking down on the Dalek city.
Me: Oh! Wow!
The Doctor moves a boulder to reveal a hidden entrance and Jamie speaks for the audience when he says:
Jamie: How long’d you know that was there?
The Doctor: Not a sound.
Our heroes enter the darkness.
Him: It’s all coming back to me. What was the metal they ran out of?
Me: Mercury.
Him: That’s right! And there was that box-
Me: Pencil case.
Him: -on the ground with the bottles in it.
Me: Yup.
Him: “Look, Doctor. This one’s labelled ‘Mercu-‘”
“No it’s not.”
Me: Ha!
The increasing sarcasm of the Daleks illustrates that Maxtible is reaching the end of his delusion. He rants and demands and blusters.
Countdown Dalek: (well, it might be) LIES!-LIES!
Him: “LIES!”
Maxtible: I, Theodore Maxtible, made a bargain with you, and I demand AAAAARRRGH!
Him: He’s not Mavic Chen.
Me: Similar personality flaws.
Him: “I, Mavic Chen, am dead.”
Maxtible gets kicked around by the Daleks. Suddenly there’s shouting and an alarming honking. Maxtible is forced forward by the Daleks.
Me: It’s moved up a gear.
Him: It’s a bit late for that.
Victoria and Kemel overhear Daleks announcing that humans have been detected in the city.
Me: “Take us back to Kemel! Take us back to Kemel!”
Dalek Announcer: E-MER-GENCY!-E-MER-GENCY!-IN-TRU-DERS-DE-TEC-TED!
Me: “IN-TRU-DER-WIN-DOW!”
The Doctor’s party shuffle along a ledge.
Me: It’s gone a little bit Terry N, but you can tell he hasn’t written it.
Him: Because it’s good.
Me: Now.
Elsewhere, two Daleks are having a chat. One of them’s got a name and the other one wants to know why.
Dalek Alpha/Beta/Omega: (delete as applicable) THE-DOC-TOR-GAVE-IT-TO-ME!
Dalek Mail: DOG-TURD?!
Dalek Alpha/Beta/Omega: (delete as applicable) YES!-HE-IS-MY-FRIEND!
Us: Ha!
Me: That boy’s in love.
Him: Ha!
Me: Interesting that the Cult of Skaro have names, later on.
Him: What’s so interesting about that?
Me: Well, this one here doesn’t seem to think that name badges are a good idea. That’s probably why he won’t do conventions.
Victoria and Kemel are popped in a room with Maxtible. The sound of the Dalek control room pulses.
Me: I love that noise.
Him: Why?
Me: It just means Daleks.
The time has come for Maxtible to be removed and lit up in a nasty way.
Maxtible: YAAAAARRRGH!
Now, it’s Victoria’s turn.
The Doctor, Jamie and Waterfield hear Victoria’s distant bleat. Suddenly, they are intercepted by a Dalek.
Dalek Mail: DOG-TURD!-I-AM-YOUR-FRIEND!
The Dalek announces itself as being ‘Omega’. The Doctor checks the Dalek’s base and then gives it a playful shove off the ledge and into the abyss.
Me: Did the Doctor just…?
The Doctor: That wasn’t the real Omega at all.
Me: I’ll say. The real Omega’s played by Katy Manning, Stephen Thorne, Ian Collier, Peter Davison, Snap, Crackle and, of course, Pop.
Our heroes move on, deeper into the city. Daleks watch them. Our heroes emerge in a dark and wide space.
The Doctor: No. No, I don’t like the look of this.
Me: “Something must be laying these eggs…”
Him: Ha!
Daleks block the exit and Dudley suddenly gets serious.
Dalek Queen: DOG-TURD!
Me: Whoah!
And there she is: the Dalek Queen. There’s jettatura all over the place.
Jamie: Look at the size of that thing!
 |
| "Yes, Jamie. It is a big one..." |
The Doctor: We meet at last. I wondered if we ever would.
Dalek Queen: SPEAK-LOU-DER!
Me: “I-AM-A-BIT-DEAF!”
The Doctor: I am afraid, my friend, that the Day of the Daleks is coming to an end.
Him: It’s not out yet.
Me: Ha!
The Doctor announces that the Human Factor infected Daleks will start a rebellion from within.
The Doctor: I’ve beaten you, and I don’t care what you do to me now.
Me: Wow.
Turnabout’s fair play of course. The Dalek Queen isn’t done just yet.
Dalek Queen: WITH-OUT-KNOW-ING-YOU-HAVE-SHOWN-THE-DA-LEKS-WHAT-THEIR-OWN-STRENGTH-IS!
Me: Oh dear.
The TARDIS is lit up.
Dalek Queen: YOU-WILL-TAKE-THE-DA-LEK-FACTOR!-YOU-WILL-SPREAD-IT-THROUGH-THE-EN-TIRE-HIS-TORY-OF-EARTH!!
Me: “EX-CEPT-FOR-THE-20-12-LON-DON-O-LYM-PICS-O-PEN-ING-CERE-O-MONY-WHICH-WILL-OVER-RUN-SO-THERE-WON’T-BE-TIME!”
And on that BOMBSHELL…
Credits.
EPISODE SEVEN
We recap…
Me: This one was sort of called, ‘The End of the Daleks’.
The TARDIS is lit up again.
Me: She’s got ‘ell of a voice.
As Maxtible huffs, the Doctor provides a melancholic accompaniment on his recorder and then runs through a potted alchemical history. Maxtible gets twitchy, the tension rises and a Dalek swishes in to break things up. Jamie promises not to damage Maxtible.
Jamie: Oh, don’t worry. The very thought of going near you revolts me.
Me: This is really good.
Waterfield tries to appeal to Maxtible’s better nature. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have one. The Doctor’s recorder makes for an emotional backing to the scene.
The Doctor is trying to work out what the Daleks are planning to do that will make him carry out their demands. They must know that the first chance he gets he’ll be off, taking all his friends with him?
The Doctor: I might even try and take you to my own planet.
Me: Oo.
The Doctor: Yes. Yes, I live a long, long way away from Earth…
The Doctor asks Maxtible about Arthur’s control device.
In her throne room, the Dalek Queen awaits news of her experiment.
Elsewhere, trouble’s brewing as one of the Human Factor infected Daleks begins to ask questions.
Dalek Overseer: WHO-SPOKE?!-WHO-QUES-TIONED-DA-LEK-COM-MAND?!
Me: It was WOTAN.
It certainly sounds like him.
Maxtible has been removed to be told the secret. He’s told the secret.
Maxtible: Gold! It’s true!
And within seconds Maxtible’s danced himself into a device that freezes him with light. When the process is completed, a familiar change has come upon him.
Me: Maxtible’s undergone an unexpected Robogumbification.
Maxtible’s been infused with Dalek Factor. He probably smells of dodgems and cigars now.
Elsewhere, the Dalek Queen drops the disguise.
Me: Oh – she’s the Emperor. Yeah, alright. I knew that.
Him: Did you really?
Me: Yeah. I just wanted an explanation for all the eggs. Next time we see her, she’s a god.
Maxtible sets up an archway that will infuse all who walk through it with the Dalek Factor. Using his powers as an evil hypnotist, he ‘fluences the Doctor and makes him follow. Jamie wakes in time to see the Doctor pass through the arch. The Doctor turns and instructs Jamie to stay still. Sounds like the Robogumbification has been successful.
 |
| When Whelks Attack |
The Doctor examines the Robogumbification machine and switches the capsules. He returns to see Jamie and reveals it was a bluff.
A Dalek arrives and takes the Doctor to see the Dalek Queen.
The Doctor instructs that all Daleks should pass through the Dalek Factor archway, in order to convert Alpha, Beta and Omega to pure Dalek.
The Daleks start to pass through the arch…
Me: “And under the ivy…"
The Daleks continue whipping through the archway .
Me: This’ll cause trouble.
The Doctor explains to Jamie that he wasn’t affected, because, of course, he’s not actually human.
Me: This is a pretty important story in the history of Doctor Who.
The Doctor returns to the throne room to spread mischief. Jamie moves through the archway, followed by the others. Waterfield says a goodbye of sorts to his daughter and then hurries to help the Doctor.
Two Dalek chums are reunited.
Dalek Alpha/Beta/Omega: (delete as applicable) DIZ-ZY!-DIZ-ZY!-DIZ-ZY-DA-LEK! (repeat)
Him: Aww…
The Him joins in.
Maxtible and the Black Dalek I should probably have mentioned earlier come across these two scamps and the rebellion begins.
The Black Dalek is exterminated.
Him: Yay!
The Doctor suggests that the questioning Daleks might like to have a word with the Dalek Queen. And perhaps, if they wouldn’t mind exterminating anything that stands in their way? Ta.
Dalek Queen: DE-STROY-REB-ELS!
Waterfield is exterminated. It’s very sad. And very well acted.
Me: Oh dear.
Waterfield: …you must…Victoria…
The Doctor: Don’t worry about Victoria. We’ll look after her.
Waterfield dies.
There’s carnage throughout the Dalek city
Dalek Queen: DO-NOT-FIGHT-IN-HERE!
A Dalek: Bang!
A Different Dalek: Boom!
Dalek Queen: YARG!
The Dalek Throne Room: FLUMP! KA-LAPSE!
There’s more carnage. It’s exhilarating.
Kemel, Victoria and Jamie manage to make their way outside the city.
Maxtible approaches them.
Maxtible: Kill kill kill kill kill KILL KILL KILL
Me: That’s a bit full-on.
Within moments Kemel’s dead, killed by the creature that was once Maxtible.
Dalek Queen: E-MER-GEN-CY!
It’s too late. There are lots and lots of explosions and the Dalek Queen falls to bits followed by the Dalek city which lands on Maxtible.
The Doctor, Jamie and Victoria are reunited.
Victoria: Where is my father…? Is he dead?
The Doctor: Yes. Yes, I’m afraid he is. But he didn’t die in vain. I think we’ve seen the end of the Daleks forever.
Jamie: We can’t leave her alone, Doctor.
The Doctor: We’re not going to leave her, she’s coming with us.
The Doctor looks out over the burning remains of the Dalek city.
The Doctor: Yes. The Final End…
Obviously the footage no longer exists, but I like to think that the Doctor raises a dactylion to salute his foes at this point...
Suddenly: credits…
Me: Wow. Well, that’s the fourth series done..
Him: Yup.
Me: What did you think?
Him: It’d be better if it moved.
Me: Here you go then…
THE FINAL END
A small amount of behind-the-scenes footage from the filming of the final scenes of The Evil of the Daleks still exists. It’s all special effects trims and shows the Dalek Queen in her triumphal glory along with lots of explosions. It’s also quite a popular piece of DVD VAM…
Him: Right. Okay.
You’ll have to imagine…
Him: I see it pulsating.
Boom!
Him: Wow – that actually looks pretty cool.
The city collapses. Model Daleks somersault. Chaos reigns.
Him: It was alright.
Me: So, no more Daleks.
Him: For now. What’s the next Dalek story?
Me: It’s…
Him: Hang on… Hang on… Is it Day of the Daleks?
Me: Yeah, it’s not yet over…
Next: The Ice Tombs of Telos
1. Sort of.
2. As long time readers will know, the Him picked up a copy of The Scream whilst we were on holiday. And yes, it does indeed look like the Silence…
3. And there’s a good argument that Mission to the Unknown4 is actually part of The Daleks’ Master Plan – and anyway etc.
4. Or Dalek Cutaway, if you like.
5. That isn’t Earth.
6. Edited for the American market.
7. Why only ‘twenty-four’? Well, I’ve been using two in everyday conversation for years, so they didn’t count. In fact, I’m fairly certain that both of them of them have cropped up in previous entries on this blog already. I’ve included them in here for the sake of completeness.8
8. ‘Welter’ and ‘zugzwang’, if you were wondering. Which, let’s be fair, you weren’t.9
9. And before I forget, we’re offering a very special ‘thank you’ to Rosie for pointing them out in the first place. She’s over here, why not go and say ‘hi’?
PLEASE NOTE: The cert has been raised to a 12, due to the visual gag under this warning being a bit gross.
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