The Six Ages of Fan (Choose Your Own Adventure variant)

It's dusk.  In front of you there's a pub.  Alan Moore and Adric are dancing with a box.  In the corner of the car park is a rude garden ornament. It's not quite a Weeping Angel and it doesn't have any cake.

Do you:

   Ignore them and enter the pub?  Click here.

   Talk to the box?  Click here.

   Ask Alan Moore to sign your face?  Click here.

   Slay the Weeping Angel and claim victory?  Click here.

   
  Ask Adric why we don't ride dinosaurs to school?  Click here.

Om Mani Padme Amidala (Choose Your Own Adventure variant)

You find yourself in space.  It's cold and starry.

A sudden voice startles you.  (Test your luck to see if your armour becomes soiled.)

The voice is deep, authoritative and not at all giggly or excitable.  

"Furbies.  Remember them?  The twitchy missing link between tamagotchi and kill-bot?  Yeah, those.  They seem to be having some sort of resurgence now, which makes me think that there weren't enough hammers at the turn of the century.

"For a few months after Kairos the Millennium Bug failed to make his face-chewing appointments, there was an interesting off-shoot of Furby evolution waddling about.  Somehow these abominations - these crimes-against-nature - made their way onto the shelves of unwitting toy shops.  Like the really cool Jurassic Park dinosaurs that were too expensive to appear in the films, these mutants were able to camouflage themselves to match their surroundings.  I got presented with one for a birthday or something.  It was disguised as Yoda.

"This 'Yoda' was able to identify movements using rudimentary photo-receptors and would mimic phrases it had learned in order to 'train' you in the 'ways' of the 'Jedi'.  Basically, as long as there was a light on, it would wobble alarmingly and bark out observations in a weird impression of Frank Oz after a head injury.  It was possible to send it to 'sleep' by placing it in a darkened room but this was only a temporary solution.  Any stimulus - any - would waken it and you were back to attempting to placate an inanimate object; the slightest nudge, the quietest squeak of a mouse fart, anything could set it off.  For hours.

"It's a long way from the Arctic to Wales on a train.  I had the 'sleeping' 'Yoda' thoroughly wrapped up in my hand luggage.  I'd been pretty good at the egg and spoon race in school - after long jump, reading and pestering science teachers for apocryphal biographical information about ex-punks, it was my favourite thing in the whole world - so I managed to get the bag loaded into the luggage rack of the Quiet Coach without any alarming consequences.  I settled into the seat and tried to nod off.

"Halfway to Carlisle, the train juddered slightly.  I snapped awake - listening intently.  The carriage was packed, the windows were smeared with condensation and above the silence I could hear a chilling rustling.

"Looking up slowly, I could see my bag begin to ripple.  At first it was a hint - easy to miss - but then the struggling from within grew more frantic.  The warm, slightly-moist, silence of the Quiet Coach was shattered by a panicked: 

""MMMMM HMMMM HEE HEE HEE!  DARK IN HERE IT IS!"

"It's a very long way from the Arctic to Wales on a train."

The voice fades away.  In front of you, the starscape shimmers slightly.  Something begins coalescing, totally trashing the void's USP.

It's nearly, but not quite, Yoda.  He doesn't have any cake.

Do you:

   Listen to what he's got to say?  Click here.

   Ask where the box is?  Click here.

   Ask where the hairy fellow is?  Click here.

   Believe that RTD's opinion of Robert Holmes was wrong?  Click here.

   Believe Steven Moffat most resembles Terry Nation?  Click here.

   Slay him and claim victory?  Click here.

   Ignore him and go on your way?  Click here.

First and Last and So On...

 

Everything you can imagine is real.

- Pablo Picasso

So, yeah.  That's the plan.  Watch this space...

The Web of Fear (reconstruction)

The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

- Eden Phillpotts

FOREWARNING

This, strictly speaking, isn’t our proper blogpost on The Web of Fear.0

As both our readers’ll know, last year was… very full.  Some very good things happened and some terrible things happened.  It’s not really a surprise that we fell almost twelve months behind our planned schedule then.

I took so long getting our notes for The Web of Fear annotated that the long-missing story was recovered, cleaned up and released on iTunes.0  There are rumours – there are always rumours – but we’re going to ignore them for the time being.

Me and the Him have watched all the way up to The Space Pirates, with notes in varying states of completion to that point.  It’s reached the stage now where if I leave this any longer then I don’t think we’ll ever break camp again.  This is why I’ve made an executive decision.

Over the next couple of months I’m going to type up the notes as written and post those.  This means you won’t get the full experience – maybe we’ll revisit them, I don’t know.  I think it’s probably this or nothing now. 

This version of The Web of Fear is reconstructed from a version begun in September 2013, just before the recovery was announced.  It’s been available, in a slightly different form, as part of the Travers Tales Winter Special we ‘published’ for the Whoniversary.  If you visit the page you’ll find the original file still there.  It’s chunky because it contains a lot of bonus material, including exclusive commentingaries, our take on Downtime and an audio Easter Egg that’s become oddly relevant since New Year.  Go on, spoil yourself, you lovely thing, you. Because, although this isn’t actually the proper, final No Complications take on The Web of Fear, until we release a Second Effort it’s all you’re getting.0

Lady and gentleman, “Mind the Gap!”

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

- Robert M Pirsig

EPISODE ONE

We’re off!

Me:  I’m really looking forward to this one.

Him:  Oh.  I don’t know much about it.

Me:  After the first episode it’s a bit vague for me as well.

We recap.  Salamander’s been sucked off into the void, the Doctor and Victoria are playing the worst game of musical sardines, Idris’ doors are wide open and Jamie…

Me:  It looks like Jamie’s going to pull that wall down on top of himself.

Jamie flirts briefly with the console before winning the game of musical sardines.  The doors close and equilibrium returns.

Him:  Is Salamander floating in time as well, then?  He could come back.

Jamie accuses the Doctor of being unable to control the TARDIS.  Or hero takes umbrage at this.  The TARDIS is in flight.

Victoria:  Here we go again.

Jamie:  I wonder where it’ll be this time.

Me:  “Ah hope it’s Glasgow.”

The Doctor:  Yes, I wonder.

Meanwhile, in a suspect Universal monster flick, a freshly-elderly Professor Travers has graduated from grunting at a stuffed giraffe to scowling at a honking monster costume he used to own, but accidentally sold at the first Doctor Who convention some time ago.  His daughter, Anne Travers, enters - played by the wonderful Tina Packer.1  Anne’s a bit worried that her dad failed to meet her at the airport as arranged.  The Professor’s more agitated than he was last year – he’s worried he’s flogged on his Whomobila while it still had a half-life.  Thirty years this costume’s been on display, like a Dalek in Waterstone’s, without once eating a customer.

Me:  Which makes this 1966.  Ish.

Him:  Was that not when this was first shown?

Me:  1968.  But that doesn’t mean anything.

Him:  It doesn’t make a huge amount of sense

Is it possible that old-age has started chewing up the Professor’s mind?  Has his doddering act become a sad reality?  And might he have gone a little bit deaf as well?  

Ignoring the questions of why the hell this technology hasn’t been exploited by science, Anne points out that without John Levene or another actor a control egg to power it, the costume robot won’t be lumbering around, frightening the horses.  The Professor guiltily reveals he’s employed John Levene reactivated a control egg.  He’d taken it out of his display drawer to admire Harold Pinter’s autograph and – well – it just rolled off.  Can’t find it anywhere.

Him:  “Checked your pockets?”

Mr Silverstein guards the Yeti costume as possessively as a missing episode - at least he lets people watch it.  Anne takes her grumbling father away.

Julius Silverstein:  Nobody destroys Julius Silverstein’s collection!  Nobody!

Now there’s a man who understands why you don’t print ‘Second Effort’ on both sides of a double-dip DVD reversible-sleeve.

Behind the retreating figures, a sinister shape glides up the window, like a cliff-hanger Sensorite.

Yeti Egg:  ping ping ping ping

Him:  I’ve found the sphere.

Silverstein starts turning off the candles for the evening.  The museum’s background music rises until…

Window:  SHKRSSHtinkle tinkle

Me:  It’s like a proper old horror film.

The egg hops itself into the costume causing it to roll-back and mix into a regenerated beast.  Silverstein rushes in and confronts the giraffe who he mistakes for Travers.  But, no…  The sound’s coming from somewhere else…  Silverstein turns – finally realising it’s never a good idea to live in a horror film, even if it’s a classic.    

The massive Yeti lumbers toward the hapless curator, raising a furry arm.  Silverstein has time for a scream before the arm smashes down into a sudden cut that sees Jamie prodding the TARDIS console violently.  It’s horrific.

Me:  Douglas Camfield directed this beauty – and he used that cut again, sort of, in Inferno.

Him:  The Enemy of the World and The Web of Fear are just one story.

Our chums are having a disagreement over lunch.  Jamie thinks the landing light was flashing and is certain they’ve arrived in Glasgow, the Doctor says they’re still driving.

Victoria swishes in, apparently disguised as Leela.  Jamie glances at her and then returns to his confrontational sandwich.

Me:  Jamie acting out of character there.

Victoria:  Why is that light flashing?

The Doctor gets a bit panicked and the TARDIS begins to emit a time-stretched wheezing, groaning sound.

Victoria:  Let’s hope it’s somewhere pleasant.

Jamie:  It might be Scotland.

The scanner just shows a telesnap from a missing episode of The Sky at Night.  The Doctor’s a bit worried.

The Doctor: We’re suspended in space.

Musical Sting:  bomBAHH! 

A model of the TARDIS is slowly encased with webbing.

Me:  See?  That’s we have to do the dusting.

Victoria:  Doctor! Look at the scanner!

The screen is slowly being covered with webs.  It probably just means that there’s a spider in the camera – the internet’s full of pictures of supposedly giant arachnids menacing car parks after all – nothing to worry about.  Well, apart from the fact that the TARDIS is stuck.

Meanwhile, a soldier is failing to take a phone-call.  This a non-starter, so the action cuts to somewhere else.  Someone who isn’t Alan Whicker is interviewing someone who isn’t Nicholas Courtney about someone who won’t be writing the next story.

Me:  ‘Pemberton’?  Ha! 

The interviewer is called Chorley and the soldier is Captain Knight but other than that you’re on your own.  There’s a knock at the door and the (still blustering) Professor Travers comes huffing indignantly in.

Travers:  Who’re you?

Captain Knight:  Knight.

Travers:  Never heard of you!

Captain Knight:  Captain Knight.

Like that’s going to help.

Knight tells Travers that Anne’s requested his presence.  There’s a really subtle hint that time’s passed – it involves a don’t-even-blink-blink-and-you’ll-miss-it reference to America.  It’s damn clever to be fair.  

Travers notices Chorley and starts shouting at him.  It’s a glorious performance throughout from Jack Watling – he’s like a one-man version of Bleak Expectations. 

Chorley hides the necessary exposition in an attempted interview.

Chorley:  Tell me, will you be in charge of the scientific section, or will your daughter?

Travers:  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

Chorley:  And how long do you think it’s going to take you to come up with the answer, eh?  One week.  Three, perhaps? 

Travers:  HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?  IS THAT THING WORKING?

Chorley:  Of course.

Travers grabs the microphone from Chorley and tries shouting it to death with exposition.  It’s exqvisit.

Travers:  IT’S MORE THAN LIKELY WE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO DEFEAT THIS MENACE!  LONDON – IN FACT THE WHOLE OF ENGLAND MIGHT BE COMPLETELY WIPED OUT!  THERE!  DID YOU GET THAT?

Me:  Ha!

Travers thrusts the remains of the microphone in Chorley’s baffled hands and storms out through a nearby wall.

11 minutes.

Back in the TARDIS/Drop/Catch/Clearing/Don’t let go/Lands/Noise/Full

Him:  Ha!

Stuff/It was a trap/Break

Me:  That was excellent.

Outside/Steps and a tunnel/Covent Garden/Earth

Him:  “Cheaper, isn’t it?”

Upstairs/Newsman – Whicker played by Gary Russell/No noise/Man falls

The Him points.

Him:  Isn’t this the closest that Doctor Who comes to a horror story?

Me:  What about Blink?

Him:  I don’t know.  I really wish they had all of these.

Me:  It’s great.

Him:  Uh-huh.

The rail and Jamie

Me:  I’d better get this out of the way.  Do you know the Underground anecdote that I’m legally obliged to repeat when discussing this story?

Him:  No.

Me:  (sigh) Right, here goes.  The BBC wanted to film in the actual Underground, yeah?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  But the Underground said… “Go away.”

Him:  Okay.

Me:  And then, when this was shown, the BBC got a furious letter from the Underground because they thought that the BBC had somehow broken in and filmed there anyway.

Him:  So…  This is a set?

Me:  That’s what the Underground said.

Him:  Why didn’t they let them film in the Underground?

Me:  I can’t remember.  It’s a good question.  It’s probably something to do with cannibals or blind tube mares.2

Tunnels/Examine/Walk/No trains for ages/Lights on – hide!

Soldiers – cable/Jamie and Victoria follow the soldiers/Doctor follows cable/Victoria yells and they get nabbed/Doctor beeping/Hides/Charing Cross

Him:  I’ve been there.  No – I’m getting confused.

Anne and Knight/Chorley/Doc beep x2/Web on explosives/Victoria and Jamie/Knight and Anne

Ann:  …when I was a girl I wanted to be a scientist…

Him:  Ha!

Youngsters in tunnels/Demolition job/Victoria and Jamie/Doctor/Yeti leave/Knight/You two were lucky/glowing and web

Credits…

Me:  I think…  There it is!

Him:  What’s that?

Me:  That’s the web of fear itself.  It’s on the end of all of the episodes because the original film turned up.

EPISODE TWO

We’re off…

Victoria and Jamie/A and CK and W and/not registered/No noise/Victoria and Jamie/CK/A and Chorley – interview

Noses/Firing/Breaks off

Him:  I could swear there was-

Stuff

Him:  Movement!

Chorley to stay/Arnold and Blake/Crates in web/Where’s the Doctor?

Lab traces – sphere/Ann arrives/Travers/Victoria and Jamie/Travers/Who are you/Slowly – Travers realises

Him:  Is he still Deborah Watling’s dad?

Me:  Um… Yeah.

Victoria:  …oh dear…

Chorley etc/Jamie/Ann and V/Chorley/Confrontation – superb

Me:  This is great.

Tunnels/Yeti!/Barricade

Me:  Movement!

Him:  I know.  I’m watching it.

Yeti kill him

Him:  “You’ve made it angry; maybe it’ll make a mistake.”   

Him:  It’s got a gun!

Jamie/Crates covered/Explosion/Untamed yeti/Capture/Travers/Tea

Him:  No!

Victoria takes over from Polly/Jamie and everyone and yeti/Yeti leave/Abominable/Through the past

Him:  Ha!

Fungus history/Great acting/Rail lines – circle line

Travers:  …getting old…

Fungus on the move/Victoria’s gone into the tunnels/Jamie/Base/Singing/Welsh/

Him:  When do we see Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart?

Me:  Soon.

Talking – pyramid/Jamie – smash it

Jamie and Evans/Base – tension’s rising/Jamie and Evans

Ck/Travers – danger of getting cut off/Victoria hopelessly lost/Base/Jamie and Evans – noise – glow – light – fungus from behind – rolls from both ends.

EPISODE THREE

Me:  I wonder if we’ve been putting these off a bit because we’ve got so few left to go.  What do you think?

The Him’s finished his drink.

Him:  Slurp.  Slurp.  SCHLUUURP!

Me:  What’ve we got left to watch?  When we’ve finished this we’ve got Ambassadors of Death and Fury the Deep.8

Him:  And the rest of this.

Me:  Yeah - and the rest of this – but those are the only two complete stories that we haven’t seen any episodes of at all.

Him:  That’s true.

Me:  So, what’s actually left?  No – I’m one ahead of you: you haven’t seen The Krotons because you wanted to wait to see that one.

Him:  I do want to wait for that because we’re not that far off when it came out, so it shouldn’t be too much longer.

Me:  Well, no.  We’re nearly there.  But what have we actually got?  Some of them I can’t remember as clearly as others but we haven’t got many left.  The Wheel in Space I can’t remember a huge amount about.

Him:  I haven’t seen that one either.

Me:  You’ve seen the episodes that’re on Lost in Time.

The Him coughs.

Me:  What’ve we got then?  It’s pretty much a straight run.  The Space Pirates is, I think, the one that we both know the least about.  We’ve seen the episode-

Him:  I don’t really know anything about The Ambassadors of Death.

Me:  Well, I don’t really know that much about it, other than that it’s Quatermass.

Him:  You can tell by your picture that you don’t know very much about it.

Me:  That’s because- Well…  That can be a little surprise for everyone that’s not on the Facebook, can’t it?

Him:  So, that can’t really be a surprise for many people then?

Me:  Our Facebook page, not Facebook in general.  I’m not talking about however much of humanity has given itself over to being assessed and marketed to and having its information gathered and-

Him:  Y’know, I’m sure that our viewer’d be very disappointed if they found out that we have a Facebook page and they hadn’t liked it.

Me:  I’m sure they’d be gutted.  Shall I put a link to it here?

Him:  Aitch tee tee pee, colon, slash-slash-

Me:  Oi!  Enough! 

Him:  Double-you double-you double-you dot, facebook dot com, slash, no complications, slash, something, slash, something, slash, something, slash, themeandthehim, slash.  Like like like like like.  Slash.

And we’re off!

Me:  Mervyn Haisman and Henry Lincoln.  I’ll tell you some stuff about them in a bit.

Doc or Jamie: ?

Me:  No.

Him:  No, the intro’s gone now.

Roll roll/Web throbs/Jamie and Evans run/Yeti!/Pyramid/Evans shouts/The web rolls/on/Victoria/Doctor and Brigadier and Colonel

Me:  Whoah!

Him:  It’s the Brig!

Travels

Him:  The ‘plop’ thickens?  Urgh…

Me:  ‘Plot’.

Elsewhere, Terry Jones is upset.

Me:  Movement!

(pause)

Eh?/Doctor and Victoria/Where’s the Colonel come from?

Travers return as/Doctor reunited/Jamie and E/Fungus/Tunnels stuffed/Brig!/Travers/confesses/Stuff/Miss Travers/Victoria

We’re watching it.

Me:  I’m not impressed with Evans…

Yeti – they’ve changed/Mk 2/Fungus and fog/Can’t sort the mist

Me:  Is that a face?

Him:  No.

Me:  Just a simulacra?

Him: Just a simulacra.

Lots of problems/Elsewhere/Weems shows him fungus/moves/Jamie/Surprises/Evans/Back at HQ – fungus still coming in

Me:  Nick Courtney – you can almost tell he’s going to be around for ages.

Him:  Uh-huh.  Was that the plan?

Me:  Not totally.  He was their third choice for the part.  And should’ve been playing Captain Knight.

Traitor!  Door/Victoria and Ann/Model/Being moved/Model starts pinging/Base – plans/Yeti approaches/Padlocked door – breaks it

Me:  “Benton!”

Who knows?/Inside/Main door open/Padlock knackered/Model yeti/Door closed/Store full of web/Elsewhere/Plans/Could it be Chorley?/Victoria and Chorley/Chorley’s losing it/paranoia building/Locked

Him:  “Victoria!  Idiot!”

Evans and Jamie/Banging/Jamie enters/Doctor runs

Me:  “I’ll explain later!”

Scream/Travers investigates/Weems is dead/Yeti!  Credits!

Him:  Not much happened in that one.

Me:  No, it seemed –

(web)

Me:  - more like…  Oh, I don’t know.  It’s brilliant.

EPISODE FOUR

Him:  And what about the Mickey Mouse universe?  I mean, there’s a mouse keeping a dog as a pet.  How does that work?  He’s got a cow and-

Me:  Well, Goofy’s a cow.

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  I know everyone says Goofy’s a dog, but Pluto’s a dog and Goofy’s supposed to be a cow-

Him:  He’s a cow.

Me:  -because he’s drawn the same as Ermintrude.

Him:  And who’s the other one?  There’s another main Mickey Mouse character.

Me:  Donald Duck?  Donald i’ the Duck.

Him:  Ha!  I forgot.

Me:  He’s the other one.

Pause.

Me:  Anyway, we need to get this started.  I should probably try and explain that what we’re trying to do here – just in case this goes to what I think this might go to, which is even weirder…  I don’t even know if any of this is going to-  Right.  This is our commentingary-

Him:  Is this recording?

Me:  Yeah…  This is our commentingary for Episode 4… point… one-

Him:  Of The Web of Fear.

Me:  Of The Web of Fear: the johnnyfanboy version.

Him:  Not the Johnny Depp version.

Me:  Not the Johnny Depp version, because Johnny Depp hasn’t done one. It’s probably not going to line up with the BBC Canteen DVD when that’s finally escaped either.0  The johnnyfanboy-

Him:  I can’t see it now.

Me:  You’ll have to move your head, won’t you?

Him:  Rrrurggh…

Me:  Okay, so – here we are.  Line yourselves up, get yourselves all prepared and ready and press ‘play’-

Him:  That’s all of you out there.  All of you.

Me:  Yeah, ‘all of you’.  And press ‘play’…

Him:  Or else.

Us:  Now.

It turns out that the video’s in the wrong place, so the commentingary won’t line up.

Me:  And then press ‘pause’.  Wait a second.  And…  We need to go back to the start.

Him:  Oh, do we now?

Me:  Yeah, we need to go back to the start.  Sorry.  So, thank you for listening and being so patient.  Right.  NOW!

We’re off.

Me:  Ok.

The Him sings along with the Greatest Theme Tune in the History of Ever.  It’s a tradition or an old charter or something.

Me:  The chances are that this isn’t going to get uploaded as an actual commentingary because I’m just doing a bit of an experiment…

Him:  Woo-hooooo.

Me:  By annotating what we…  Uh…

Him:  Uhhhh-hoooooo.

Me:  We… urm… watch.  Um…

Him:  Dum dum dum dee dum dum dummmmmm…

Me:  Just to save me writing it.  ‘Cause we’re onto ones now, that I really-

Him:  Web/Of/Feeeear

Me:  We’re onto ones that I really wanna watch-  Here we go!

Stuff

Me:  Right…  That’s…

Us:  Movement!

Him:  Walking yeti!

Me:  Whoah!

Him:  Wookie!

Scream

Me:  Whoah!

Frazer Hines:  …drags Travers…

Him:  “And eats him.  In a sandwich.”

Ping ping ping/Doctor

Him:  ‘Chorley’?

Me:  The journalist.  Keep up.

Him:  Choooorley.  I don’t want to like the name ‘Chorley’.  I was listening.

Staff cautious of Lethbridge-Stewart

Me:  He’s brilliant isn’t he?  Straight off and he’s really good.  All the acting in this is good though.  (hmmm)

Doctor and Lethbridge-Stewart

Him:  What’s with the [plastic bags]?

Me:  Ha!  They’re annoying the Subway authorities.

Him:  What, the Wookies?

Me:  No, they thought they’d filmed there, didn’t they?

I’m very proud of that sentence – it’s about as vague as it’s possible to get without something dropping off.

Him:  Oh yeah.

Stuff

Me:  “Despite being told not to.”

Him:  Wookie/In distress

Won’t you answer/Its SOS

Wookie/In distress

Bring it back now/We won’t take less

Where’s that Wookie?

Over there!

Jamie stuff?

Me:  Ha!

Him:  Might be.

Me:  Different year.  Different era.

Him:  “Quickly!  Clean the camera!”  “No, we can use this!”

Me:  Ha!  I think that’s supposed to look like that.

Whirr

Me:  johnnyfanboy’s brilliant – he’s done a really good job with this.

Him:  The screen’s all flashing though.  He should’ve fixed that.

Me:  He made it flash.

Pause.

Me:  Doooh!  It’s a joke.

Him:  Tch.

Benton?

Him:  Wouldn’t it be funny if it didn’t pick anything up on this and it all sounded – [muffled noise, like a panda in a sack]

Me:  No, because then we’d have to watch it again.  And comment.

Him:  [muffled panda]

Stuff

Him:  Why’s ‘colonel’ spelt ‘col-o-nel’?

Me:  It just is.  I’ll find out.

Stuff (doors)

Him:  “A particularly nasty cold.”

Stuff

Us:  Movement!

Stuff

Him:  It’s a book.

Me:  Hang on.  Is that Travers?  Oh no.

Laboratory

Him:  Keep up.

In a chair/Get her up

Him:  “My beautiful father!”

Jamie and Victoria

The Him’s suddenly in fits.

Me:  What?

Him:  I’m just remembering the point in the Doctor in Distress song where you’ve got the person just – NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!  NONONAAAAAAAA!!

Me:  Oh, right.  I thought you meant the “hoping a yeti wouldn’t shoot her” bit.

Doc and Jamie

?:  What the devil was he doing in the tunnels in the first place?

Me:  “Escaping.”  You can’t blame him really.

Evans

Me:  Oo.

Him:  What?

Me:  He didn’t remember.  That’s twice now.  They’re sort of hinting that Lethbridge-Stewart’s a traitor.

Him:  Oo.

Lights representing oxford circus/Moving fungus

Me:  Can’t be good.

Progress

Me:  They’re really in trouble then, aren’t they?

Him:  [robot panda noises]

Brig Someone here/Travers?

Me:  Nice shot. 

This intelligence

Me:  “It’s Cthulhu”.

Him:  “At the Mountains of Madness, Tibet.”

I wish I knew.

Have a craft – time and space/Covent Garden/It ends

Me:  Oop.

Seeing as there’s a gap, the Him decides to fill in the dead air for you as I struggle to start the next video off and running.

Him:  Floom floom floom floom floom floom floomy floom floom

 

Me:  I didn’t say anything about it then but…  It’s really strange…  Last night we watched Silence in the Library again-

Him:  And Forest of the Dead and Midnight.

Me:  Yeah, but I was thinking about Silence in the Library because it gives us more of…  There’s a different look now…  We watch it as a different programme because we’ve got all the history of River Song that we didn’t have when we watched it the first time.  Every time we’ve watched it since-

Him:  Forest of the Dead as well.

Me:  I’m including that.  There’s a different way of watching the story now because it means different things.

Him:  So, is that going to happen with this story?

Me:  It is.  This is the Brigadier.

Him:  That’s true.

Me:  I keep forgetting.  This is the first Brigadier story.  At the moment they’re still setting him up.

Him:  He’s still the Colonel.

Me:  Well, yeah.  It’s not until The Invasion that we get: “Brigadier actually.  I’ve gone up in the world.”

Him:  Mwah.

Me:  He doesn’t give the Doctor a kiss!

Him:  Ha!  “Kissed by a Lethbridge-Stewart…”

Me:  “…that’s a first.  Thank God.”

Hilarity ensues.  You’ll have to imagine.

Me:  “Wonderful fellows.  Mwah.  All of you.  Mwah.”  No.  I don’t think that would ever have worked.

Him:  “Chap with wings there.  Five rounds rapid.  Mwah.”

Me:  “Well done, Jenkins.”  Anyway.  Moving swiftly on.  Or not.  So, we watch The Web of Fear now with a totally different-   He’s being set up to be a bad guy as misdirection, but we know he can’t be the bad guy because he isn’t.

Him:  He’s the Brig.

Me:  Yeah.  He’s the Brig and so he can’t be the bad guy.  Anyway.  Here we go.

Him:  It might be his Zygon clone.

Me:  Well, the Great Intelligence takes people over, doesn’t it – so it could be that.

Him:  Does it?

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  When does it do that?

Me:  In the last story that it was in.

Him:  What did it do then?

Me:  It took people over.

Him:  Who?

Me:  You just want me to say ‘Padmasambhava’, don’t you?

Him:  I want you to say what?

Me:  ‘Padmasambhava’.

Him:  That’s not a word!

Me:  It’s not been that long since we watched The Abominable Snowmen.  You can’t have forgotten about Padmasambhava.  I notice you’re not trying to say it.

Him:  Padmasambhavla.

Me:  Near enough.  Press ‘play’…

Us:  Now.

Stuff

Me:  Oh, Jamie!

Stories/Don’t believe

Me:  “It’s a load of sensorite.  Steamin’ pile of sensorite.”

Him:  We don’t do that joke anymore.

Me:  Oh yeah.

Stuff

Him:  What’s that button do?

Me:  That’s really good on a commentingary.

Him:  Ha!

Doctor might be leading/Sting

Him:  That’s what that button does!  That’s really interesting.

Father taken/Anne

Him:  “He was so old.”

Me:  “That desk.”

Him:  Ha!

Success

Me:  “No, that desk.”

Take it easy

Me:  Nice.

A and j

Him:  Jamie’s got a turtle climbing up his kilt.

The Doctor  …this seems to be in order, Anne

Me:  ‘Alderaan’?  Well…  It’s not there anymore is it?  Got blown up.

Him:  Where was it?

Me:  By the Death Star.  Briefly.  Then all over the place.

Him:  What’s the Death Star?  Is that the thing the Racnoss were riding in?

Long pause.

Evans

Me:  “Oh, I’m terribly sorry.  I just came in ‘ere to be stereotypical.  I ‘opes you don’ mind.  Fancy a leek?”

Him:  Ha!

Stuff/nothing to do with me

Him:  “Who will buy my lovely daffodils?”

Stuff/Thing

Me:  “I was going to carve it into a lovespoon.  I didn’t think anyone would mind but it’s a Yeti.”

Evans business

Me:  “I really want to be back in Llanfairfach.”

Suspicion

Him:  Why did he moo like a cow?

Me:  That’s the classic Welsh noise.  He was going to say “diolch”, but instead opted for a moo. It means, “I’m off.”

Him:  I’ve never heard anyone Welsh go “Mooooooooo ooo hoo hoo,” before.

Me:  You just did it there.

Him:  Apart from then.  It’d be really scary if you were talking to someone and they just burst out with “Mooooooooo ooo hoo hoo!”

Looking for a police box/The Doctor prepares

Him:  Whoah!  What’s that?

Me:  They’re the gloves he uses behind the shield.

Colonel on the way

Him:  “Victoria, will you stop telling people about the TARDIS?”

Someone says something

Me:  “’TARDIS’, Doctor?  What’s that?”

Him:  “Well, you see, it’s the time and space machine-“

Me:  “Victoria!  Shut up!”

Him:  Ha!

Evans/Come on

Him:  Ha!

Me:  Nice shot.

Stuff

Me:  I’m really resisting mentioning my Covent Garden anecdote.  I’m being good.

Him:  What’s a ‘Covent Garden’?

Me:  It’s a place in London’s London.  It’s got a club in the middle of it called The Rock Garden.

Him:  Really?

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  And what were you resisting mentioning about it?

Me:  A lot.  Anyway, it doesn’t matter.

Control box/Stuff

Him:  By ‘gear’ does he mean, like street terms?

Me:  No, just gear.  Fab.  Is that an overlay of the web?

Him:  No, they just haven’t cleaned the camera.  I keep telling you.

Stuff

Me:  “I’ll teach you to play a barely-disguised racist caricature, my lad.”

Him:  ‘Racist’?

Me:  Of course not, but imagine the fuss on the forums if he’d been Scottish.

Screams

Me:  Whoah.  Bit of movement there.  Evans is alright.

Stuff/Lane’s dead

Him:  Uuurgh.

Me:  Blimey.

EPISODE FIVE

We recap…

Yeti arrive with Travers

Great Intelligence speaks/Recap/Time and space observed/Pretty creepy to be fair.

Grabs Victoria/Jamie follows – but not for long

Him:  Ha!  “Ah’m nae gaunnae!”

Evans/His accent’s calmed

Me:  The Watkins saunter.

Him:  It’s not the same actor.

Me:  No, it’s Debbie’s dad.

Him:  What?

Me:  They’re father and daughter.

Him:  Who are?

Me:  Never mind.

Anyway.  Going south…

Lethbridge-Stewart follows – Evans is left behind/Doctor and Anna

Me:  He’s making it up.

Him:  “Yes, and the veeblefritzer needs reversing.”

Jamie and Lethbridge-Stewart/Fungus

Lethbridge-Stewart:  Run!

Door opens and the fungus comes through/Doctor bangs a desk/Sphere leaves/Jamie and Lethbridge-Stewart confrontation

Me:  Ace.

Doctor and sphere/Evans

Me:  “For Evans’ sake.”

Him:  Aaaaargh!

Me:  You’re welcome.

Evans/Cowardice/Piccadilly Circus

Travers and Victoria/Great Intelligence

Him:  Is that not the Cancer Research picture?

Me:  I’m not sure.

Travers released

Me:  Movement!

Doctor and Ann/Sphere/12 minutes/Jamie and/Tunnels/Hanky

Me:  “And there’s blood on it!”

Travers and Victoria/Stuff arrives/Stuff leaves

Evans/Ping ping ping/Legs out of the way/Doctor and Ann

Evans:  …better aim…

Me:  Ha!

Him:  That doesn’t look…

Me:  It doesn’t.

Him:  It looks drawn on.

Me:  It does.

Evans:  I may be stupid…

Me:  Ha!

Stuff/Yeti/Lethbridge-Stewart, Jamie confront Evans/stuff

Doctor and Anne/yeti/trapped/controls/box/freezes

Doc:  worried

Me:  “Benton!”

Removes control sphere/It works/Arm down/Follows them/Evans and Staff/Evans/Wall explodes/Fungus

Him:  Uuuuurgh…3

EPISODE SIX

We recap.

Splurt

Him:  Uuuuurgh.

They run/Warn/HQ

Evans/Coward/Doctor stops/Suspects/Double-bluff/Ninety seconds/Switch off/Jamie and Lethbridge-Stewart/Tell you another time/Fungus/HQ/Joined by two more

Doctor and the rest/Arnold/Fungus among us/Yeti – charge

Evans running/Hides/Yeti passes/Another one

Me:  Oop.

Evans carried off/Doctor marked/Arnold’ll run/Staff runs/T and Vic ticket office/Pyramids

Me:  Whoah...

Machine/Someone runs/Voice

Him:  “Yessssssssssssssss.”

Me:  “SSSSSSILENCE.  WILL.  FALL.”6

Him:  “SSSSSSILENCE.  WILL.  FALL.”

Stuff

Me:  “Do blame yourself, Professor.”

Recorder/Doctor and Jamie/Colonel/Chorley/Cowering/Stuff/Chorley found the machine

Pause.

Me:  Who’s the traitor then?

Him:  It’s a surprise.

Me:  Who do you think it is?

Him:  It’s a surprise.

Me:  Would you like a Werewolf Break to recap?

Him:  That’s a surprise too.

Doc and Ann and a platform/Control box/Yeti and Evans

Me:  “Good Evans, no.”

Him:  Stop it.

Doctor – don’t resist.

Me:  “It’s useless.”

Roar

Me:  Movement!

Empty platform/Jamie/Escort/Doctor to ticket office/Helmet/Doctor jams yeti/Ann and the rest join up

Me:  Odd shot.

Fade – Jamie and tunnel/Yeti appears

“Raise arm”

Me:  It can’t understand his accent.

Him:  Ha!  Like Siri.

Me:  Yup.  “Calling Work Mobile.”

Doctor and Great Intelligence/Chorley – nope/Staff

Me:  So - did you guess?

Him:  Non-committal noise.

Jamie/Yeti grabs Jamie/Release the boy/Into the pyramid.

Chair/Adjustments/Anxious?

Doctor:  ...get it over and done with...

Me:  Like that messy business on Telos.

Jamie/Yeti attack

Doctor saved/He fights/KA BlOOey/Yeti collapse

Me:  “…like Menoptra…”

Evans

The Doctor:  Blithering Welsh imbecile!

Me:  OI!

Doctor reveals

Me:  So…  It could come back…

Arnold – blackened

Him:  Uuurgh.

Hero/Doc and chums leave/l-s/evans/ ann

Him:  “Dracula.  So, he was the Great Intelligence all along.”

Pause.

Him:  Movement!

Victoria:  All these tunnels look the same...

Me:  Hooray!

Credits.

Me:  Wow.  Thoughts?

Him:  Barney Kell.

Me:  Eh?

Him:  Go back.

Editor

Him:  There.

Me:  Ha!

And then…/Trailer/TARDIS lands/Pipeline

Him:  It’s Fury the Deep!8

Me:  It is.  At last.

?:  who are-

Me:  Sounds very similar to the start of The Pescatons to me.  Anyway.  The Web of Fear: thoughts?

Him:  Erm…  It was very – had some Yetis.  Very webby.  And quite frightening.

Me:  Can’t say fairer than that.

Next:  The Colony of Devils  

(or whatever the working title was)

0.  If you’re expecting this to be a snippy comment on the way in which BBC (“licence-fee payers already enjoyed the chance to watch the programmes in the late 60s”) Worldwide have taken to issuing DVDs then shame on you.  Shame. 

That’s over here. 

1.  I’m afraid you’ll have to wait another five stories for her surname to become a running joke.

2. Turns out it’s greed.

3.  The rest of the commentingary for this episode should be in an mp3 format somewhere quite close – providing I’ve managed to glue it back together…4

4.  It’s on the Travers Tales set – along with some other bonuses, including our take on Downtime.5

5.  Patrick Troughton running gag #2.

6.  I’ve changed my mind about this now.  I reckon it’s Morbius.  Or Omega.  Or possibly Sutekh.  Shhh.  Don’t tell the Him.7

7.  I don’t care what was said in The Time of the Doctor.  As a wise man once said, “I don’t know why you gotta be so undemanding… I want more.”5

8.