The Daleks' Master Plan: Escape Switch

THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN:  ESCAPE SWITCH

The Him’s bored of Daleks and as a consequence, to the tune of the Doctor Who theme, I’m listening to:

Him:  Da-Daleks/Da-Daleks/ Da-Daleks/Da-Daleks/ Da-Daleks/Da-Daleks/

And then:

Him:  Are bor-ing/Are bor-ing/Here they are/In twelve parts/In-twelve-parts

We recap.  The Doctor (and the Monk’s mutilated remains) can’t be found anywhere.  Sara tries the TARDIS door.

Me:  Careful or you’ll open it by accident.

Monk From the Mummy's Tomb lobby card.

The crypt again creaks and the hand of a Mummy reaches out – followed by the moaning monster itself.  Steven dives across and begins unwrapping.  Turns out it’s the Monk.

The Daleks have noticed that the time’s up and once again their taranium battery isn’t to hand.  Mavic Chen is getting a bit annoyed at their constant moaning. 

Dalek:  SI-LENCE!

The rest of the Daleks are ordered to leave the ship and kill every damn thing.  Mavic Chen strikes a Boba Fett pose and shouts down the Dalek’s eyestalk before shoving it out of the way.

Me:  Ooops.

I like the idea that, after this moment of idiocy on the Guardian of the Solar System’s part, the Countdown Dalek commences a new job quietly in the background.  After all, it can only be a matter of time now.

In the tomb, Sara, Steven and the Monk are talking over each other.  It’s ace.  The surviving episodes lift the story, giving it a real sense of what it might be like if we had the missing episodes.  Way stations in a desert of recons.

Me:  Do you like the Monk?

Him:  He’s odd.

Me:  ‘He’s odd’?

Him:  Yeah.

Almost everyone’s trying to find the Doctor.  Steven and Sara holler at the top of their lungs.  The Monk offers a muffled shout. 

Me:  Amusing though.

The Monk’s almost the only thing in the whole story (The Feast of Steven doesn’t count, remember?8) that’s played less than deadly serious, it makes a big difference. 

Having followed the shouting, Mavic Chen and the Daleks are reunited.  This is unfortunate for Sara and Steven, but at least this time they aren’t tied up.  And in fairness, the Monk saves them both from extermination.  Mavic Chen suggests (with a bit of Monkish prodding) that they could swap the companions for the taranium.

Mavic Chen:  Yes…  That could work.  The Doctor’s loyalty to his friends is beyond question.

Me:  Susan being family, and Katarina arriving pre-doomed and therefore being more of an acquaintance.

Him:  I feel really ill.

Me:  I think it’s boredom.

Him:  No – really.

Me:  It’s just Dalek Fatigue.

It was Dalek Fatigue.

Dalek:  TAKE-THEM-BACK-TO-THE-TIME-MA-CHINE!

Disposable Dalek:  I-O-BEY!

Him:  Do you think that’s the Obeying Dalek?

Me:  Almost certainly.

The Daleks have really started to take charge of the situation now.  The Monk is ordered to return with them.  He gives Mavic Chen a desperate look – it’s another wonderful moment.

Our Egyptian friends are awaiting the return of Hyksos.

The sun beats down and, in a moment that you’d never guess happened from the audio, there’s a cross-fade to the reflection of a Dalek dome.  Magnificent.

Me:  That was clever.

Him:  Why is there a massive Dalek in the sky?

My turn for a sigh.

The Daleks have brought a PA system with them – range “SE-VEN-EARTH-MI-LES!”

Dalek:  MA-VIC-CHEN-CAN-ISSUE-THE-ULT-I-MAT-UM!

Him:  I thought they were after taranium?

The Obeying Dalek’s really getting some job satisfaction.

Steven, Sara and the Monk have been stood together (but not tied up).  The Daleks, obviously having had enough of all this footling about, are actually guarding their prisoners.  The Monk tries to lift everyone’s spirits with a song.

Steven:  Don’t you think you’ve done enough?

The Monk’s upset by this.

The Monk:  You actually think I meant what I said to the Daleks?  My dear fellow, this was a desperate gamble, risking my own life to save yours.

Steven:  We can trust him about as much as we can trust the Daleks.

The Monk:  You mean my performance was that good?  I knew I had to fool the Daleks, but I thought that you would see through it.

Sara:  He could be telling the truth, Steven.

Him:  ‘””COULD-BE-TELL-ING-THE-TRUTH’-A-BOUT-WHAT?!-IS-THERE-SOME-THING-YOU-WOULD-LIKE-TO-SHARE-WITH-THE-REST-OF-US?!”

Taking the microphone, Mavic Chen addresses Egypt.

Him:  Where’s the Doctor?  Is he on holiday?

The Doctor, somewhere nearby, listens to the announcement. 

Him:  No.  He’s quite obvious really.

Our Egyptian friends hear the Voice of the Gods as well, but can’t make head nor tail of it.

 

Me:  So they couldn’t understand what Mavic Chen was saying?

Him:  No.

Me:  Oh, he’s a wrong ‘un.

The Doctor greets the Daleks and Mavic Chen.

The Doctor:  Where are they?  WHERE ARE THEY?

Him: (mock whisper)  “TRY-AND-MAKE-THEM-LOOK-STILL-ALIVE!-UMM!

“‘IT-IS-ME-DOC-TOR!-YOUR-FRIEND-STU-ART!’

“SEE?!-I-TOLD-YOU-WE-NEED-ED-TO-KNOW-THEIR-NA-MES!”

The Doctor is shown his friends and agrees to hand over the taranium core – but only on his terms.  It’s a great showdown.

Dalek:  WE-COULD-EX-TER-MIN-ATE-YOU-NOW!

Him:  So, why don’t you?

The Doctor:  But then you would never get back the taranium core, would you, now?

Him:  Yes, they would.

The Him’s getting quite annoyed.

The Doctor bargains.  He’ll return the taranium, if his friends (and the Monk) are released unharmed.  Mavic Chen and one Dalek to come to the west angle of the Great Pyramid.  The Dalek considers.

In memory of Cuddles.

Me:  “YEAH-AL-RIGHT!”

After the Doctor has gone, the Daleks hatch a plan.

Dalek:  ONE-DA-LEK-IS-CAP-ABLE-OF-EX-TER-MIN-A-TING-ALL!

Musical sting:  PARP!

Him:  Not Abslom Daak.

The Egyptian resistance are preparing to strike.

The Doctor takes the taranium core from the TARDIS, sighs and leaves.

Him:  “DO-YOU-WANT-TO-DANCE-WITH-ME-MA-VIC-CHEN?!”

Following this comment, I’m in fits to the point where I have to pause the DVD.

Me:  Superb.  ‘The Dalek Dances’.

Steven warns the Monk not to try any funny business.

The Monk:  Funny business?  Me?

Him:  Breaking the fourth wall again.

Me:  Well spotted.

The resistance gather.

Next to the pyramid the Daleks bring their prisoners forward.

Him:  There’s only supposed to be one Dalek.  They’re breaking the rules here.

Me:  They are the most evil species in the galaxy.  They probably cheat at Monopoly as well.

The Doctor is furious.

The Doctor:  I said ONE Dalek!

Him:  I thought that was an error.

The release of the hostages goes ahead.  Mavic Chen joins the Doctor and waits for the core.  The Doctor hands over the core and legs it just as, coincidentally, the Egyptians attack the Daleks.

Him:  I don’t think that their point-ed sticks will do much damage.

Me:  Famous part of Egyptian history this.

Back in the tomb our heroes are reunited.  The Doctor isn’t happy.

The Doctor:  I had to hand the real taranium core over to Magic Mavic Chen.

Him:  Why was he not called ‘Magic Chen’?  It’s a much better name.

Me:  I think Terry N was fond of Mavic Chen.

Him:  Why?

Me:  Because it’s one of the names that he specifically requested not be changed.

Him:  I prefer ‘Magic Chen’.

Me:  They’re in trouble now.

The Doctor reveals he’s lifted the directional unit from the MARDIS.  With that they can finally steer TARDIS.  The Doctor reveals that the MARDIS is now disguised as the TARDIS, and so the Daleks’ll be after him instead.

The Monk returns to his MARDIS and panics a little.  Pursuit Daleks arrive and the Monk dives inside and dematerialises.

Daleks: COM-BINED-FIRE!

Him:  It’s not done anything in the past.

Mavic Chen and the Daleks are having a little party.

Mavic Chen:  The operation was a complete success.  I have the taranium here.

DALEK:  YOU-HAVE-DONE-WELL!

Me:  One of them needs oiling.

Him:  It’s a door

On the TARDIS our friends prepare for the final push.

Him:  Is Sara flying the TARDIS?

Me:  While Steven auditions for Boba Fett.

Him:  “Take us back to Kembel!”

The Doctor admits that he might have miscalculated the compatibility of the directional unit.  There’s a possibility it’ll blow up.

The Daleks have set course for Kembel. 

The Monk has found himself trapped in stock footage of a polar region.

Me:  Ooo.

Him:  Must be Oceanus.

Me:  Frigidus.

The Monk appears doomed to have to wander the universe (like the Doctor used to).  He’s fuming.

The Monk:  I’ll get you for this, Doctor!  I’ll get you one day!

On the TARDIS a cliff-hanger approaches.

Him:  Pull the switch!

Steven does.

Whiteout!

Him:  That’s a weird ending.

Me:  You were quite vocal in that one.

8.  Oh, alright.  And the Test Match.

The Daleks' Master Plan: Golden Death

THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN:  GOLDEN DEATH

We recap.  Following the Dalek Choir there are pyramids.

Me:  I love the title of this one.

Him:  ‘Golden Death’?

Me:  Yeah.

"AND-TRY-NOT-TO-MESS-IT-UP-THIS-TIME!"

We’re shown a selection of holiday snaps and then the TARDIS lands in what appears to be a building site.

In the DARDIS control room, a Dalek is doing a final check to make sure everyone knows what they’re supposed to be doing.  Mavic Chen is invigorated by the change of scenery.  The change of tasty scenery…

Him:  It’s the swirligig again, back from The Chase.

The swirling image fades to reveal pyramids.  Arrival is imminent.

The sun beats down on the TARDIS.  The Doctor is repairing the lock while Steven looks on.  Both of them are certain that the Monk’ll turn up quite soon and Steven’s impressed by the pyramids.  The Doctor coughs a reply.

The Doctor:  Hurm!  Well the Pyramids are the seventh wonder of this ancient world. I’d say the word ‘impressive’ is rather an understatement.

Me:  Bit croaky there, Bill?

There’s some business with tools.  Steven gets the wrong one, then the right one and then the Doctor becomes annoyed.  William Hartnell’s definitely got a sore throat.

Steven wanders off into the deserted pyramid workings to see if he can spot the Monk.

The DARDIS materialises next to the pyramid.  Steven sees this and warns the Doctor.  Sara emerges from the TARDIS – she’s noticed it too. At this point no-one realises it isn’t the Monk’s TARDIS (which I’ll call the MARDIS from now on to avoid any further confusion).  The Doctor is reluctant to leave the TARDIS unlocked and so Sara and Steven leave to greet the Monk and keep an eye on him.

The Doctor is being watched by Tuthmos (Derek Ware) who runs off and reports to his boss, Hyksos (Walter Randall) that there are strangers at the tomb.  Professor Stahlman and Henry Gordon Jago’ll be in the next episode the way this is going.6

Steven and Sara look down on the DARDIS.  Steven’s confused that it hasn’t blended in yet - their first sign that something is amiss.  The emergence of Daleks and Mavic Chen is the next clue.

Steven:  Daleks!

Turning to warn the Doctor, our chums are jumped by Hyksos and his gang.  It’s at this point that a Dalek appears, terrifying the Egyptians.  Extermination commences – it’s a right mess.

The Doctor experiences a sudden hankering for celery.

The repairs to the TARDIS complete, the Doctor has popped on his Fifth Doctor’s hat and gone for a wander – dodging guards as he does so.

There’s a familiar wheezing, groaning sound and another TARDIS lands. Sorry – the MARDIS lands.

At this point, I should really apologise for this episode’s lack of banter, but we’re both totally caught up with what’s going on, so I won’t.

The Monk (in shades) emerges from the MARDIS and strides purposefully off.  The Doctor’s observed all this.  Slowly, because it does feel as though this episode might’ve been under-running a little, realisation dawns.

The Doctor:  Who was it landed here before then?

Wait for it…

The Doctor:  The Daleks!

Sara and Steven have been imprisoned in a hut.  The plan is to pop them and the Pharaoh’s treasures into the pyramid itself.  Tuthmos reveals that, due to an ancient charter or something, everything that lands in the desert belongs to Pharaoh, including the TARDIS.  And the Daleks, presumably.

And at this point, I should reveal that the lack of banter isn’t really down to absorption, but exhaustion.  A mixture of Dalek/recon fatigue is setting in.  But, “We must go on.  We have to go on.”7

Sara’s found the traditional piece of broken pottery and started sawing through their bonds.  Why does no-one ever guard prisoners properly?  Oh, yeah: because then they wouldn’t escape.  Sorry, got it now.

The Monk is being followed by the Doctor.  He wanders into the party of Daleks and Mavic Chen.  

Mavic Chen:  Three time machines in one infinitesimal speck of space and time? Of course, a coincidence is possible but hardly likely.  You would agree?

In an attempt to avoid going negative, the Monk bluffs desperately that the Doctor is his greatest enemy.  Mavic Chen strikes a bargain with the Monk.  The Doctor has in his possession something the Daleks would really rather like to get back.

Mavic Chen:  A full emm of taranium.

The Monk:  A full emm of taranium?

Him:  “A full emm of taranium.”

The Monk’s got an hour to obtain the taranium (the full emm).  The Doctor watches all of this unfold with considerable interest.

The Monk returns to his MARDIS and removes an energy counter.  The Doctor, chuckling, breaks into the MARDIS and changes the appearance until it looks like the TARDIS. 

Me:  So, that’s what a working chameleon circuit in action would look like.

Sara and Steven make their escape.  There’s a bit of a fight but it's nothing our heroes can’t handle.

Him:  What’s after this?

Me:  The Massacre.

Him:  When can we have one that moves?

Me:  The next episode moves.

Him:  A story that moves.

Me:  The Ark moves.

The Monk has managed to track the TARDIS down to the tomb.  He enters and the Doctor sneaks after him.

As the Monk attempts to open the TARDIS the Doctor confronts him.  The two of them spark off each other again.  The Monk attempts a double, double-cross.  I suppose there’s a case to be made to suggest that he could turn out to be an ally eventually – Cap’n Jack started off as a conman after all – but we don’t get the chance to see that as, before you know it, the two time-travellers are tussling.  Our hero swiftly gains the upper hand and…

"This is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me, my boy."

Me:  “The Doctor picks up a shovel and advances menacingly on the Monk”.

The Him sighs.

The Daleks are passing the time playing ‘reports’.  They decide enough’s enough – they’ll just kill everyone.

Sara and Steven enter the tomb properly, signalling we’re into the confusing moments of the cliff-hanger recap.  They find the TARDIS but can’t get it open.  There’s no sign of either the Doctor or the Monk’s battered corpse.

Sara:  Steven.  Look…

A stone casket leaves and a bandaged hand slowly emerges…

Him:  “Steeeven…  Steeeeeeeeeeeeeven….”  Oh no, I know what it is!  “I’m the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre.”

Me:  “And so am I.”

Him:  “And so is he.”  And that’s what’s coming out of the treasure chest.

Me:  The sarcophagus?

Him:  No.  The treasure chest.

6. The Joy of Rep.7

7.  Okay, that’s pretty obscure.

The Daleks' Master Plan: Volcano

THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN:  VOLCANO

Me:  Right.  We’re over the halfway point and we’re rested.  Final push over the next couple of days?

Him:  I’m fed up with Daleks.  But then, I reckon everyone was at this stage in time.

Me:  There weren’t any in the last one.

Him:  There are always Daleks.

Me:  Hokay.  Let’s give it a shot.

Him:  Can I just sit in the corner?

Me:  No.

Following last episode’s lunacy, it’s almost a treat to be greeted with Daleks watching Doctor Who.  Because The Feast of Steven was never intended to be anything more light-Christmas flummery filler and not a real part of the story as a whole, there’s no recap.  As a result of this there’s no way of telling how much time has passed.  And as a result of that, it’s my understanding that there’ve been an awful lot of stories concerning the unseen adventures of the Doctor, Steven and Sara – most of them audio.  I may well be wrong.  Whatever, it can’t be canon.  Ahem.

Anyhoo, the Daleks are delighted to announce that the time destructor is finally ready for testing.  Cue musical sting.

Musical Sting:  PARP!

Me:  I guess this one’s from the Dalek point of view then.  There’ll be a senseless waste of many Kaled lives when the fake taranium goes off.

Him:  Barbara’ll walk in on them in a minute.  Don’t forget that she’s working for the Daleks.

Me:  In her sleep too.

In the Kembel Conference Hospitality Suite (otherwise known as the Davros Room), Mavic Chen and some Evil Chums are debriefing.  Celation (who sounds a bit like a gas leak) is being a little bit critical of the slowly-unravelling Guardian of the Solar System.  They’re all getting a bit paranoid.

Him:  Could these guys replace the Daleks?

Me:  I wouldn’t have thought so.

Talk turns to the Doctor and his friends.  At this stage in his career, not much is known about him, other than that:

Mavic Chen:  He is some kind of time and space traveller.

Well, says Celation, can’t be (hiss) anything to do with (hiss) my lot then – we can only (hiss) travel forward in time (hiss) by walking.  Mavic Chen directs his accusations at Trantis.  You remember – the runny-faced one.

Trantis:  We have not yet succeeded.  Only the Daleks know how to break the time barrier.

Me:  That raises a few questions.

Celation:  Hisssss.

With the fires of paranoia successfully stoked, Mavic Chen probably twirls his moustache with a lengthy nail as he then says:

Mavic Chen:  After all, we are here to witness the testing of the time destructor.  Are we not?

Him:  “This never happened when we had Daleks.”

That bizarre aside from the Him is in reference to the Mad UK parody ‘Doctor Ooh’,5 but you already knew that.

The Daleks are prepared to test the time destructor, but require a subject.  Unluckily for Trantis, they haven’t got any mice.

Meanwhile, in the TARDIS, the Doctor, Steven and Sara have noticed that they’re being followed.  Sara’s convinced it’s Daleks, but the Doctor’s not so sure.

Back on Kembel, Trantis is preparing to be tested.  Seems quite altruistic of him.   

The time destructor is activated and begins pinging.  Trantis appears to have changed his mind.

Mavic Chen:  So that’s what’s supposed to happen: a kind of abject insanity.

Celation gets in a quick, final criticism.

Celation:  I (hiss) do not know, though (hiss) I always thought (hiss) Trantis (hiss) was a little (hiss) unstable (hiss) anyway.

Us:  Arf!

The seconds ping by.  Nothing happens.  The Daleks work it out and Mavic Chen’s in trouble.

Dalek Supreme:  THE-CORE-IS-WORTH-LESS!

Mavic Chen:  No!  No, it can’t be!  It came from Uranus!

This comment causes childish hooting from us.  After a few hours we calm down and have another go.  

"Well, I guess that the joke is on me, Mavic Chen."

Mavic Chen, working well under pressure it has to be said, works out what’s really happened. 

Mavic Chen:  The old man fooled us!

(hiss)

Celation isn’t helping matters.

Him:  I can’t understand a word Spotty’s saying.

Me:  Played by Jon Pertwee in Superted, of course.

Him:  He’s not the Spotty Man – he’s a spotty man.  What was Superted?

Me:  The real sequel to Galaxy 4.

The Him sighs.

The Daleks request a DARDIS from Skaro.  Celation gets let off, but Mavic Chen’s on a written warning now.

Dalek Supreme:  YOU-MA-VIC-CHEN-WILL-WAIT-HERE-FOR-THE-TIME-MA-CHINE!

The Supreme Dalek finally gets to work off some frustration by calling for the extermination of Trantis, which is gleefully carried out straightaway.

The Doctor and friends are still being followed when, suddenly – cricket happens.

Me: What?  Eh?

Him:  This isn’t The Daleks’ Master Plan any more.

Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen lobby card.

The TARDIS lands in Douglas Adams’ head for a while-

Commentator Trev:  There’s a police telephone box on the pitch.

Commentator Scott:  My word, yes.

-and then leaves.

Me:  What a weird scene.

Despite the comedy stop-off, our heroes are still being followed. 

Mavic Chen and the Daleks observe the arrival of a shiny new DARDIS.  Mavic Chen is given a final chance and sent to accompany the hastily cobbled together Pursuit of the Time-Travellers Task Force.

Me:  Oh.  I guess I was wrong about there not being another DARDIS.

Musical Sting:  PARP!

All of sudden there’s familiar lava footage.

Me:  Oo.  That’s from Inferno.

Him:  No: Volcano.

The TARDIS materialises on the side of a volcano on the planet Tigus; Dennis Spooner wrote this episode which is probably why the planet isn’t called ‘Vulcanus’.  The ship that’s been chasing the TARDIS has also landed.  This calls for more stock footage from the opening titles of Inferno. 

A large lump of pumice opens up, revealing the Monk!

Me:  Oh – Whoah!

Him:  Yeah.  The Meddling Monk.  Didn’t you know he was in this one?

Me:  Not this episode.

The Monk spies the TARDIS and chuckles, preparing for Monkery. 

Our heroes leave the TARDIS.  The Doctor has an idea. 

Amidst all this heroic rumination, the Monk sneaks up to the TARDIS on tiptoe and sabotages it.

The Doctor calls out, suggesting a meeting.  Sara spots the Monk and there’s a delicious confrontation between the Doctor and our first returning character who isn’t from Skaro.

Me:  Nice.

The Monk explains how he escaped from 1066.  The banter’s wonderful.

Sara:  What’s he talking about?  1066?

Steven:  It’s alright; we’ve met the Monk before.  I’ll explain later.

The Him hoots at this.

The Monk and the Doctor chuckle their way to the end of the conversation.  The Monk reveals that – turn-about being fair play - he’s marooned them. The Monk leaves and our friends trudge back to TARDIS.  True to his word, the Monk’s knackered it.  The Doctor’s not happy but has an sudden thought.  Using the light from the sun and his ring he manages to open the door.  Our friends enter and the TARDIS leaves.

The Monk’s been watching this carry on.

The Monk:  Ah.  No.  No.  Don’t think I’m going to leave it at this.  You haven’t heard the last of me, Doctor!  You haven’t heard the last of me!

On the TARDIS.

Steven:  If you ask me, we haven’t heard the last of the Monk.

The Doctor ‘explains’ how he was able to pick apart the lock-Monkery.

The Doctor:  Oh, that’s all very simple, dear boy.  You see, the sun in that particular galaxy has very unusual powers.  I merely reflected its powers through that ring.

"Alright, alright!  I keep a spare key in it.  Happy now, hmmmm?"

Sara:  Is there something special about it?

The Doctor:  It has… uh… certain properties.  The combined forces of that sun together with the stone in that ring was sufficient enough to correct the Monk’s interference.

Me:  Hmmmmm….

In fairness, Steven doesn’t sound convinced either.

Back with the Daleks.  The DARDIS is loaded up with Mavic Chen and Daleks.  Launch is prepared.

Me:  The Countdown Dalek’s back.

Him:  The Countdown Dalek’s always with us.

The Daleks locate the TARDIS as materialising in London, New Year’s Eve 1966.

Me:  It’s got very disjointed here, but I like the idea of the Countdown Dalek counting down New Year.  And this would’ve been New Year’s Day, wouldn’t it?

Him:  Yeah – week after Christmas.

The DARDIS is launched to the flashing blossom of fireworks and the drunken slurring of Auld Land Syne.  ’65 is dead.  Long live ’66!

Dalek Supreme:  RE-PORT-TO-SKARO!-OUR-TIME-MA-CHINE-IS-NOW-IN-PUR-SUIT!-NO-THING-CAN-MATCH-DA-LEK-TECH-NOL-OGY!-THE-U-NI-VERSE-SHALL-BE-OURS!-CON-QUEST-IS-A-SSUR-ED!

Dalek Choir:  CON-QUEST!-CON-QUEST!!-CON-QUEST!!!-CON-QUEST!!!!-CON-QUEST!!!!!

And… it’s the credits.

Me:  Bit of an odd one that.  What did you think?

Him:  I wish the Daleks would shut up.

5. Written and illustrated by Steve Parkhouse, who, oddly enough, later went on to write possibly the greatest Doctor Who comic strips ever.  “Voss not dock anyvay, voss poodle.”