If you despise that throwaway feeling
From disposable fun
Then this is the one
- Martin L. Gore
(You fall through the clouds, damp
tentacles clutch at your tingling cheeks.
Abruptly the opaque surroundings clear and you see that you’re
plummeting toward a rather solid looking toy village. The sun’s low in the distance and shadows stretch
like inky sneezes towards the broccoli-wood that hedges the edges. You don’t feel scared though; not until the
screech of a dinosaur rudely wakes you.)
Me: That’s a T. rex, isn’t it?
Him:
Baby T. rex.
Me:
Baby T. rex. Okay. The exciting news
that broke this week about The Power of
the Daleks?
Him:
Oh, yeah. I definitely know about that.
Me:
Okay, what do you know about
it?
Him:
I know that you sent me a link, and the link said, “This does not
exist.”
Me:
Yeah! That’s because, in classic
BBC ‘License-fee payers enjoyed the chance to watch these episodes for free
when they were first broadcast in the Sixties’ Worldwide fashion they, once
again, leaked what the secret reveal was.
All by themselves.
Him:
You have really red elbows.
Me:
Have I? I suppose so… There’s a two-disc version of The Power of the Daleks coming out. It’s all been computer-animated, and it’s
based on designs by Adrian Salmon and Mar-
Him:
What’s wrong with The Power of the
Daleks animation that’s already on YouTube?
Me:
It’s great, isn’t it! I do like
that one.
Him:
I’ve got a soft spot for it.
Me:
That’s the one we watched when we did our previous ‘review’…
Him:
We watched it for about five minutes.
You couldn’t handle it.
Me:
They hadn’t… quite captured Polly’s likeness…
Him:
Ha!
And that one scene with, “Oh
yes, maybe this will work. Yes.
Yes,
okay, I’ll take this bit and then…
Okay.”
And you’ve just got the
little Patrick Troughton drawing standing there -
Me:
Just with the mouth moving.
Him:
- completely still.
Me:
There was that other computer-generated one where he slipped up the
wall.
Do you remember that?
Him: No…
Me: It was animated photographs and it was really
creepy.
It was a bit like the Annoying
Orange.
A little bit Uncanny Valley for
my liking.
Soooooo.
There’s been some conjecture that if it’s
going to be two discs, then that suggests…
Surely, you could fit six episodes on one disc if it’s just animation
and no extras?
There’re rumours that it
might contain missing footage, but I don’t think that it’s going to.
Why do you think this might be coming out?
Him:
Why do I think what might be coming out?
Me:
The Power of the Daleks.
Him:
I don’t understand why you think it
is.
You sent me a link to-
Me: Oh no, it is, it is.
The BBC’ve announced it and everything.
It’ll be available to download and you’ll be
allowed to
own the download after
you’ve bought it; it’s coming out on DVD too.
Him:
You’re allowed to
own the
download?
Me: The BBC’ve caught onto this new, modern
idea.
This… y’know… valueless format.
1
Him:
“404 – Daleks not found.”
Really,
it’s not…
I don’t know why you think
it’s coming out.
I could send you a
link, right, having typed in, ‘www.bbc.com’-
Me:
‘.co.uk’
(Potentially the final appearance of the
sea-badger before Hallowe’en 2016…)
Him: Nah, it’s BBC Worldwide, innit.
Me:
Ha!
If it’d been BBC Miami, I’d
have understood.
The whole thing’s
probably up there already.
I wonder if
Marcel Carmego got his job back?
Anyway…
Him:
‘/The_Web_Planet_Episode_7_Through_9’ and saying
they’d returned and that they’d been missing…
And we still don’t have the remaining
episodes of
The Web Planet, but seven
through nine have at least returned…
I
could’ve sent you that link and said, “Whoah!
Look at this!”
And you’d have
clicked on the link and got, “Sorry, this web page doesn’t exist,” and you’d
have been-
Me:
Web page!
Very good.
It
did
come back up at midnight.
I think,
basically, what you’re looking at here is…
Because Top Gear’s curled up and died-
Him:
Well, no.
It just isn’t owned by
the BBC.
Me: Yeah, they own Top Gear.
Him:
No, they lost it.
Me:
No, they’ve got Top Gear, because now it’s a spin-off from Friends and-
Him:
Didn’t it run away to Amazon?
Me: -just lost the ex-Mr Billie Piper…
The
presenters
ran away to Amazon.
Him:
Did they?
Me:
Yeah.
That and Doctor Who were
the BBC’s biggest brands.
2 So now Doctor Who has to carry the torch
since Top Gear died on its arse-
Him:
What about whichever one of the soap operas the BBC does?
Me:
EastEnders?
Yeah, but you don’t
get EastEnders
box-sets.
You watch it once and then – meh.
It’s not got rewatch value at all.
Him:
It does if you’ve not seen it before.
Me:
If you’ve never seen it before, that’s really good.
It’s like never having bought a National
Lottery ticket.
3 Just kidding.
Obviously, it’s one of the
most important breeding soups for new writers in the country.
Him:
I thought that was Casualty?
Me:
Same sort of thing.
Him:
Casualty’s very important for new writers
and new actors.
Everyone in
the
world has been on Casualty.
Me:
It’s like Rep.
Or The Bill.
It’s a rite of passage you have to pass in
order to get your Equity card.
Him: It really is, though!
But why?
Me: Well, it depends.
If you haven’t got a mate running the
programme then that’s the route you’ve got to take…
Him:
Even obscure voice actors who’ve only been a voice actor in one
thing…
They’ve been in Casualty.
Me:
Of course.
Have you not…
I’ve
been in Casualty, when’re
you going
to be in Casualty?
Have they not got in
touch with you yet?
Everyone’s in Casualty.
Everyone in the country.
Him:
Casualty’s like jury duty.
Me:
Ha!
Him:
They send you a letter through and you
have to be on Casualty, otherwise you can go to prison.
Me: Yeah.
It’s a bit like jury duty or leader of the Labour Party.
4
Him:
Is Casualty any good?
(Okay, maybe I was a bit hasty with my
earlier sea badger prediction… I did
type ‘potentially’.)
Me:
So, anyway…
Paterson Joseph was
great.
Him:
Ah!
You’ve got a signed thing
from him in Casualty.
Me: I have.
He played Mark Grace.
Him:
But was he in Casualty for more than one episode?
Me:
He was.
He was a regular.
I think the reason the BBC’re doing it is
because they know they’ve got around twenty-thousand… people… who will shell
out for something that costs about 50p to make.
Him:
It costs more than 50p to animate it.
Me:
I meant to manufacture the physical DVD!
Him:
Have
you ever manufactured a
DVD?
Me:
No.
CDs though…
Once you’re producing a certain amount it
gets cheaper with each one.
It’s the initial
mastering that costs…
There’s no
restoration required.
If the BBC’ve come
up with the money in order to do the animation then…
What this one is, really, is something that’s
just being sold-
Him:
Last week, I specifically remember you telling me that they were never
going to release any more DVDs.
I said,
“No, no.
They can still make money off
them.”
And you were like, “No!
They’ve said they won’t!
And they never will again!”
And then, not a week later, not
even a week later, you’re like,
“HRRRR!
THEY’RE RELEASING NEW DVDs!”
Me:
I reckon they’ve got the Hut bugged.
Him:
Then, why even record this?
The
BBC’ll put it up.
Me:
That’s true.
Him:
Although, to be honest, no-one’ll hear what
I’m saying…
Just your
replies…
Me:
Ha!
Let’s be fair, the reason the
BBC’re doing this one is because it’s a regeneration story and it’s got Daleks
in it.
Also, it’s a classic and they can
really push it.
Him: It’s not
really
a regeneration story.
Are regeneration
stories spread across
both
stories?
I mean, that makes the TV Movie
a regeneration story squared.
Me: It’s a regeneration story in the same sense
that
Castrovalva is…
And remember, William Hartnell
does appear in it.
Him:
How much d’you think he got paid for that appearance?
Me:
Nothing.
Almost certainly.
Or, very little.
Going on the fact that Bret Vyon vanished off
the floor, ensuring Nicholas Courtney wouldn’t get an appearance fee, which was
a bit harsh.
Him:
He did come back, I think.
Was he
not an extra in one of the later stories?
Me:
I think so, yeah.
He turned up in
something, outside a castle…
Him:
Was he in Casualty?
Me:
He must’ve been.
Colin Baker
was.
He had glowing green eyes.
Him: Was he in Casualty for a long
time, or just the one episode?
Me:
He was one of the main characters-
Him:
Really?
Me: Yeah.
He was the monster that lived in the hospital’s basement…
Or, am I confusing that with something by
Lars Von Trier?
So, I think that if this
is a success, we’ll probably get
The Evil of
the Daleks, which would explain the computer-generated Dalek Queen that was
in that Doctor Who Adventures all that time ago…
Him:
I don’t think they’ll
ever
explain that.
Also, that must’ve been
years ago.
Me:
It takes a long time to do this stuff.
Him:
It doesn’t take
that long.
Me:
It takes a while.
Him:
It doesn’t take that long.
Me:
Alright.
Probably-
Him:
And, if they had a shot of it, then it means they’d probably already
done it…
Me:
Could just be a design.
It
depends on how this stuff sells.
If
The Power of the Daleks sells really
well, then it could open the rest of the stories for the DVD market.
If they can flog that one, then they can get
away with milking the fans to buy the rest.
Having said that, the BBC’re going to have to start putting in some
extra features.
It’s not like there’s
any restoration that’s been paid for.
It’d put an end to the Omnirumour as well.
Him:
The ‘Omnirumour’?
Me: Yeah, that’s the name for the rumour that all
the missing episodes’ve been returned and they’re just sitting-
Him:
In the BBC Canteen?
Me:
Unable to escape.
Him:
You would get pretty sick of watching
Feast of Steven on repeat.
Me:
Ha!
Him:
It’s a bit upsetting because that one, it
cannot return.
Me:
No.
Him:
Because the BBC were wiping it
as
they broadc-
(Tape runs out.)
1. A chat we’ll have another time.
2.
Oddly enough, at the time of typing it’s just been announced that
Auntie’s misplaced The Great British Bake Off as well, which really does put a
lot of pressure on Doctor Who, a show that’s – basically – not even on this year.
Leaving aside the political scourging the BBC’s currently undergoing, some of
it self-induced, it’s probably worth pointing out a few things that might be
going on here. First off, The Power of the Daleks isn’t the step
backward some fans might think. After Spearhead From Space and The Enemy Within, there’s no Classic
series stories that’re genuinely suitable for BluRay treatment. (BluRay’s not a terrific format either, it’s
nowhere near the huge jump in quality between VHS and DVD for a start. It arrived to the party slightly too late as
well, with digital media already starting to infect the wider industry. Even punishing DVD owners by only sticking
extras on BluRay didn’t work. After all,
who wanted to buy a new player and TV
to see what got chopped out of Prometheus?)
The range of Doctor Who DVDs is very, very good indeed. There are a few bad decisions – inverted
Terreliptils, ‘improving’ rather than enhancing and a tendency to
self-indulgent cronyism5 being the
least-defensible – but the love that went into producing them really shines
through. The most impressive thing about
the collection however, is also the T. rex everyone’s ignoring: the VAM.
With a few notable exceptions that we’ll get to, the Classic Doctor Who range
contains a staggering amount of historical information about one of the most
important1 TV shows ever made. But there are gaps, and, despite what Auntie
and other people may argue, those omissions are very, very hard to defend.
There’s a definite air of The Tripods about TV Professionals Who Happen To Be
Doctor Who Fans. The Uncapped are cattle fit for milking and mocking and not much else. Occasionally, one of these ‘Milkable Barkers’
will win a place at the side of the Chosen.
That these happy few seem to always hail from Arslikhan is just one of
those things. Like Derren Brown tossing
ten heads in a row. Or ‘needing’ a
zombie to provide a jump-scare climax to a 28 Days Later homage that makes
Pebble Mill’s Cyberman look like a herald of the Apocalypse.1
Two Troughtons returned. No extras. Those days’re done. Whatever
the official reasons for vanilla releases with no accompanying documentaries, they’re
bollocks. Truly. Not just a poor show, there’s no excuse. There wasn’t at the time, and there isn’t
now. I’m sure that BBC ‘License-fee
payers enjoyed the chance to watch these episodes for free when they were first
broadcast in the Sixties’ Worldwide will disagree – these are the folk who gave us the Regeneration and Fourth Doctor boxsets after all – but it’s an attitude that’s smug and arrogant and, well, rather entitled. The world’s changed – it might not even have
very long left – so denigrating your customers while they still exist, should
probably not be company policy. (You
might want to leave the knitting patterns alone too.)
In much the same way that record companies totally misunderstood how mp3 worked
and criminalised it as a format (remember then, kids?), the BBC need to be very careful here. It’s a no-brainer that The Evil of the Daleks and then Mission to the Unknown/The Daleks’ Master Plan are the next in line for production.
Both (yeah, yeah) stories have surviving episodes, which minimises the need
for animated episodes, and both feature Daleks – which, let’s be fair – and
Aaru never lie - are the main draw after the incumbent. The Daleks’ll be back next year – AsBill’s
intro presumably fulfilling the contractual obligations for 2016, we’ll see –
so that’d be the time to relaunch them.
Give Mr Chibnall’s run a boost/fighting chance/Open-Airing (delete
according to bias).
The BBC then have the opportunity to flog a box-set containing every Dalek story. The DVD market-door’s closing, but folk out
there might be tempted. A download
bundle’s one thing6, but A Complete
Dalek Story Box-Set You Can Drive? “Hey! This cash prints itself!”7
Auntie’s not got long. The twenty
thousand (cit. needed) fanfolk she’s
been exploiting won’t wait around forever.
There’re good quality reconstructions in the wild, complete with artwork
that matches her own design better than she’s always managed. DVDs are already a desktop-publishing market,
and her market knows the production costs.8
If, y’know, being all speculative, the Dalek stories sell, then… Well,
within a limited timeframe… There’s the
potential for half-a-century’s double-dipping.
Forget Dalek and Cybermen and Doctor- themed box-sets, forget even the
multiple season box-sets…
You see where I’m going?
The BBC’re currently running nostalgic reanimations of things they killed with
bricks. It’s desperate and sweaty, but
understandable. Imagine. Just
imagine. A complete Doctor Who Collection
box-set. It’s Auntie’s only reliable
brand.9 The potential’s incredible – for Humanity if
nothing else. Y’know, if Auntie doesn’t
go full-Dodgson.10
3.
Other opinions are available.
4.
Triple-bluff for balance there.
5.
Still, that’s showbiz.1
6. It’s, let’s be fair, the same as
taping an album for a friend/reading a magazine in Smiths/finding a VHS in the
street, and being charged full-price for the
experience .1
7. For Kroll’s sake, don’t throw in a ring modulator
though. If the peasants and livestock
see behind that particular curtain, the
outcry’ll be horrific. Thankfully, Equity
don’t seem to care.
8. If there’s an actual proper reason that The Enemy
of the World and The Web of Fear
cost so much to bring back to life there was nothing left in the budget for VAM,
then the BBC shouldn’t shy from explaining what
that reason was – when they can. Barring the Destruction of Humanity, I can
see this story running for a while yet.
9.
BC.
10.
She will, just you wait. I’ve presented a potential business model for
the brand11 that emphasises
integrity and longevity in the long-term (I doubt I’m the first). This isn’t a Barrowmenesque rejection of the facts. Torchwood: the ship that sank itself. Hopefully Class’ll do better. After all, it only exists to keep BBC 3 viable,
and surely it can’t get that wrong…
11.
Ych y fi
