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Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.
- Stalin
Or (if you want to be all obvious about it)
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech
you will ever regret.
- Ambrose Bierce
Me: 'They had to hire an actor without skin'?
Him: Ha!
Me: At this stage, I
should probably say we’re just watching the next time trailer for Mummy on the
Orient Express. It looks brilliant. Okay.
Here goes…
(Pause.)
The Moonbase and trays; Let’s Kill Hitler; The Ark in Space and
yo-yos as gravity testing equipment; the J. N-T reference to “hanky-panky”; the
Brigadier; Starship Troopers; there was an essence of Melancholia to it, the
film that is-
Him: The film?
Me: The film
Melancholia, yeah. The scene on the
beach was the most obvious moment, but there were little touches
throughout. The swearing was a little
bit of a surprise – but I guess the Moon brings that out in people.1 And there were definite echoes of Apollo 18,
the found footage film about… well, the ‘spiders’ in Kill the Moon.
Him: Are you going to
replace ‘thing’ with the actual number after you look it up?
Me: Yeah, but
no-one’ll notice when I’ve typed it.
Him: But now you
can’t, because either way-
Me: Also, one thing
I’ve noticed which has nothing to do with anything, is the moment when our
heroes aren’t being sailors on the Moon but they’re-
Me: Ha! So, here’s a tall tale that shows that not
everything’s always connected.2 At one
point, in the background, there are three boxes, each labelled separately with
the code twenty-three then a slash and then another number.
Him: No, no, no. It’s twenty-three slash seventy-seven, then
twenty slash eighty, and seventeen slash eighty-three.
Me: Was it? I thought they were all twenty-three?
Him: Nope.
Me: Okay. Well, do you know what happened in 1977, 1980
and 1983?
Him: No.
Me: Those were the release
dates of the first three Star Wars films.
Him: Does that matter?
Me: No, it’s got
nothing to do with anything. Right, Kill
the Moon. Oh – can I say my Courtney
thing?
Him: “We’re whalers
on the Moon/We carry a harpoon”
Me: Did you notice
that Courtney ends up marrying Blinovitch?
Him: Yeah, I
did. Is that the chap who came up with
the recommendation effect?
Me: I think it might
be, yeah. As both our readers will find
out for themselves, if they scroll down to the bottom of this page. Apart from the moment after that amazing
scene where Clara basically breaks up with the Doctor – apart from that, fair
play to Murray Gold. He nearly went back
to his old tricks and destroyed the mood for the scene between Danny and
Clara. The music there wasn’t good at
all and detracted from- I was thinking,
“Is this still the same programme?” The
music throughout the rest was really good.3
Him: “Evena
boardedupa windows donta keep out Murraygold!”
Me: Nothing can keep
him out. Some of that was filmed on
Lanzarote. There was a ‘secret’ working
title drip-fed out to start fans salivating, in much the same way that J. N-T
once had ‘The Doctor’s Wife’ written on a whiteboard listing upcoming stories
that he purposefully made sure was in photos.
He was trying to find out where leaks in the office were coming from. This script was ‘provisionally’ entitled
'Return to Sarn', Planet of Fire also being filmed on Lanzarote. The location work gave it a wonderfully alien
look. To me, it looked almost black and
white.
Him: Yes, you did say
that. Repeatedly. “Wow!
That looks black and white!”
Me: And speaking of
black and white. In The Moonbase there’s
a moment where a puncture gets blocked-
Him: That’s like a
coin landing on its side fifty times in a row. After being dropped into a bowl.
Him: Not on its side.
Me: Not on its side.
Him: And not fifty
times.
Me: Another Troughton
reference of course, was the, “When I say ‘run’, run.”
Him: But then he
didn’t say, “Run.”
Me: Well. I wasn’t expecting to be asked those sort of
questions to be honest.4
Him: Okay. Japan.
Me: What about Japan, Great
Healer?
Him: Well, it’s a big
country.
Me: Yeah.
Him: On the other
side of the world from where Clara and the rest happened to be viewing. They’d probably all’ve been asleep to begin
with, if they weren’t busy-
Me: So they didn’t
get a vote?
Him: Basically.
Me: Half of humanity
didn’t get a vote really.
Him: Yup. And it’s also the more populated half. Involving China.
Me: Oh yeah. Anyway, it didn’t matter because what they
voted for… they didn’t get anyway.
That’s democracy in action.
Him: Maybe the other
half voted, “No, no, no, don’t kill the thingy.”
Me: Sell the Space
Whale.
Him: Even though it’s
a Star Whale. As I keep saying.
'#SaveTheWhale'. That was an odd, odd, odd
episode.
Me: It’s laid another
egg.
Him: Humanity would’ve
died anyway, whether they blew it up or not.
We need a moon to survive. But
then, I was annoyed that when it hatched it was instantly able to fly. Things shouldn’t be able to fly the second
they hatch. It shouldn’t have had
feathers and it can’t have anything else that’ll enable it to fly.
Me: If indeed it had
feathers. Bearing in mind we aren’t
watching in eye-bleeding Hi-Def on a screen the size of a football pitch.
Him: I know. It could have been like a big butterfly. But, it couldn’t have been like a big
butterfly.
Me: Polly the Glot?
Him: It could’ve
been… It would actually explain it more
if it was a big butterfly and the Moon was just the chrysalis. That would also go some way toward explaining
the cobwebs that didn’t make any sense and that would also explain why a) it
was able to fly and b) lay another egg the second it hatched.
Me: That’s fair
enough.
Him: When a
caterpillar spins its cocoon does it know it’s going to be a butterfly?
Me: I don’t think
they get given a handbook. Do you think
it’s just automatic?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: It must be an
automatic process-
Him: You’ve been a
caterpillar before.
Me: Yeah, but that
was a long time ago. I can’t really
remember what I thought. Is the
butterfly that emerges the same creature that went in? Because they change completely-
Him: They alter and
they’re mush in the interim period.
Me: Yeah. Everything changes around. It’s like Trigger’s Sugababes theory.
Him: As opposed to
that thing about the Sugarcubes?
Me: Ha! Bjork!
Which slowly brings us back to Lars von Trier and Melancholia.
Him: So, if you keep
changing around the fructose and glucose that’s in it, is the sucrose still the
same?
Me: Awww. Chemistry.
The characters are still making loads of errors. Clara goes on about the duty of care she’s
got… There's no way that Courtney
should be in that TARDIS. It’s all well and
good being made special but this is just dangerous. Things’ve changed. Although it hearkens back to the original
TARDIS crew line-up of the wizard, two Coal Hill school teachers and a
pupil… There’s a line from Lundvik,
played by this week’s Spooks guest star Hermione Norris, about what to do with
aliens. “Blow them up.”5
Him: Uh huh.
Me: And that reminded
me of the Brigadier, which brings up-
Him: Oh God, this
point.
Me: Well, I think
it’s a point that needs to be made.
Him: But not several
times to me – you don’t need to rehearse it.
Me: It needs to be
said. A lot of people online have been
saying that the Doctor appears to have forgotten that he’s already known a
retired soldier who became a maths teacher.
A couple of things’ve been said that... I don’t think are entirely accurate
but I can see why people have said them.
With this hatred of soldiers that the Doctor’s got – and, again, we
don’t know where that’s come from or why it’s being highlighted... I’ve seen people saying that Steven Moffat
has obviously forgotten about the Brigadier.
Well… I’m going to have to say
that, unfortunately, when Moffat’s got a character called ‘Courtney’ in these
episodes, I don’t believe you can even consider he’s forgotten the
Brigadier. Moffat knows what he’s
doing. I thought, in many ways, that
Clara became the new Sarah Jane Smith during Kill the Moon. Especially with the sly nip of wine. She’ll be typing and seeing robot dogs on
walls next.
Him: “Doo dee dee dee
doo/K9”
Me: A lot of the
discussion that the Doctor and Clara were having in front of Lundvik made it
very obvious that they were time travellers.
I wonder if this is going to affect stuff, especially seeing as
Blinovitch got a mention. How old would
Orson be in 2049? And Clara addressed
humanity. That’s going to cause
questions. They’re all still making
mistakes. This is going somewhere –
well, I hope it is. I don’t think it’s
just Moffat opening story trapdoors-
Him: Try saying it as
two separate words.
Me: “Trap. Door?
‘cause there’s something down there.”
Him: Trap doors, not
trapdoors.
Me: “Berrrrrk!”
Him: You don’t need
these little spaces.
Me: These things are
open so that later on something can come through them and then they can be
slammed closed. As far as the
Aristotelian-favoured structure for Greek Tragedy goes, it’s a tradition, or
an old charter, or something.2 The
course of this series has been much more tightly plotted. There were moments in Kill the Moon that I
found very impressive. Even Murray Gold’s
last ditch attempt at snatching defeat from the sea badger paws of victory
didn’t spoil it. Capaldi’s performance
is brilliant. I can see why it’s
alienating some fans though. Jenna
Coleman was equally brilliant. Ellis
George was very, very good. I wonder if
what we’re seeing is also somebody highlighting the flaws in Nightmare in Silver…
Him: Always the
Moon! Always the Moon.
Me: Always the Moon.
Him: Even though on
neither journey has the Doctor taken Clara to a large rock that used to be part
of the Earth.
Me: Courtney on
Tumblr? All these things are going to
cause massive problems, I’m sure of it.
Shall we make Macra noises then?
Him: No! Are you looking forward to next week’s one?
Me: I wasn’t
impressed with the shot of the Orient Express in space, but the rest of it
looked very good.
Him: You weren’t
impressed with the shot of the Orient Express in space?
Me: No.
Him: Why not?
Me: Because it looked
really cheap.
Him: Really?
Me: Yup.
Him: I don’t think
there are many more ways you can do a train in space. Short of actually building a train, putting train tracks in space, and setting it to go along them.
Me: Why not not do it
in space, then?
Him: Because that
would be silly and not science-fiction.
Me: I don't think Doctor Who's ever really been science fiction. All the alchemy puts the kibosh on that. It reminded me
of- Do you remember that phone
conversation the Matt Smith Doctor had about a mummy on the Orient
Express?
Him: No.
Me: Alright then.
Him: When was that?
Me: End of The Big
Bang.
Him: Actually, I do
remember that. Do you think this is
related to that in any way?
Me: Yes.6 I also think it’s blood-related to a film
called… Not Death Line… Horror Express! Starring Christopher Lee and Peter "Cinema's Doctor Who"
Cushing. But not Vincent Price. Which reminds me. The Stephen Fry piece’ll be up in the next
few days.
Him: What’s that film
you like about Elvis Presley and the-
Me: Bubba Ho-Tep! Oh, I hope so. That’d be good. Right.
Let’s just make Macra noises then.
Him: Why Macra?
Me: They were
bacteria that everyone though were crabs, and tonight we saw bacteria that
everyone thought were spiders. Ish. “Even a sponge has more life than I!”
Him: You don’t do it
as well as I do.
Me: Well, you do it.
Him: No, because you'll
type it the same way.
Me: “Even a sponge
has more life than I!”
Him: Hmmm… It doesn’t matter how I say it because you’re
going to type it exactly the same. You
can’t just say that the Macra aren’t giraffes.
Me: The Macra aren’t
giraffes.
Him: Not
giraffes. That other thing.
Us: CRABS!
Me: How did you get
those two confused? Wouldn’t it have
been amazing if the Moon hatched to reveal a massive space giraffe?
Him: I don’t think
that’d be much different from what actually happened.
Me: And what’s going
to happen when that tide comes back in?
Him: I’ve already
said that, but I think you skimmed over it or ignored it or didn’t type it up.
Me: Right, that’s us.
Him: Why don’t you
make Mummy noises?
Me: “Clean your
teeth! Tidy your room! Polish your shoes! Shave your face! Hoover the lawn!”
Him: You must’ve had
a terrible childhood.
Me: I wouldn’t like
to go into it. Long, long time ago. On top of a hill.
Him: I don’t think
you had to hoover the lawn either.
Me: I didn’t have
to. And on that bombshell!
Him:
Mrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
1. Eh, Martha?
2. Just a figure of
speech. It totally is.
3. The opening theme’s definitely being tweaked per week.
4. It’s not like I was watching The Dark Knight or something.
5. Yup, we knew Tony Osoba has been on the Moon and Skaro before.
6. Not to mention Voyage of the Damned. Ahem.
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