The Girl Who Died (time shift)

Of all the fatiguing, futile, empty trades, the worst, I suppose, is writing about writing.
- Hilaire Belloc

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again.
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Me:  Well, I've got quite a lot I'd like to say about The Girl Who Died.  What would you like to say about it?

Him:  I'll just let you have a go.

Me:  Ha!  Are you sure?

Slinky sea badger.

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  Okay.  So, we've got eyes and perception.  Again.  The Cloister Bell ringing .  Again.  It did feel a little like we got pulled out of a much more interesting story in order to descend into a Viking village.1

Him:  There was a more interesting story?

Me:  Yeah.  Before the titles started.  With Clara floating in space and-

Him:  Yeah.  I feel that the only link there was that that was also in the next time trailer from the previous episode. 

Me:  The TARDIS shots are really, really good this series.  When you've got someone walking out of the TARDIS and the Doctor's already-

Him:  Yes, but they do seem to be banking on that being the only thing that people notice.

Me:  Ha!  The opening section was slightly too edited.  There were no pauses at all, no beats between people's lines and it was...  It sounded really fake and false and just didn't work.  Unfortunately, an awful lot of the episode - which is quite a surprise considering who wrote it - felt forced and clunky.  Characterisation was sacrificed in favour of plot - and I think a lot of that got changed later on...  It smelled like a Matt Smith episode. 

Him:  What do you even mean by that?

Me:  Well...  Rory the Viking...  It felt like a Matt Smith story, with a couple of extra things bolted on desperately at the last minute.  It's not...  It's not as good as it thinks it is by a long chalk.  Very weak.  In my opinion.  Clara acting as the Doctor came back but didn't really get very far.

Him:  No.  What was she trying to do at the start?  What was she actually trying to do that had to be done right then?

Me:  I don't think it matters, that's not how it works.  It's supposed to be a 'rollercoaster ride'.  It was more The Romans than The Time Meddler, it was attempting to be a comedy episode, but I don't necessarily think it worked as a comedy episode.  If anything that felt like a massive step backwards.  A step backwards of about two or three years.

Him:  Lofty was weird.  He didn't belong in that time zone.

Me:  Well, he wasn't talking properly.  Although-2

Him:  That's what I mean.

Me:  There's no consistency.  It's like we we were saying previously, with Bors in The Doctor's Meditation,3 Daniel Hoffmann-Gill added a naturalism to dialogue that's written All In Capital Letters We Shall Speak Like This And There Shall Be No Shortening.  Really?  Why can't they just talk like people?4  It's alright if something like The Mire5 talk in capitals.  Russell T. Davies tended to do this when he needed to bring in prophecies that no-one'd heard of.  Speaking of which-

Him:  Would you like to list some?6

Me:  - this blinking foreshadowing of the Hybrid?  That's the second time.  It's blatantly the Doctor.  First time, oh, it's a mixture of Daleks and Time Lord and then this time, oh, it's Mire and Viking.  It's not.  It's half-human on its mother's side.  That's what it is, and that's what it'll turn out to be at the end of the series.7  I'm sure of it.  It's the only way that Steven Moffat can re-8

Him:  When's the Doctor going to remember that he's supposed to be dead?  Or dying?  Or something.

Me:  Well, he'll come back to that when he needs to.  The face explanation ties in with the whole Nuwhoniversary and gives us a chance to reflect back on the last ten years...  This is a celebration.  Which is why we got Vikings on a Spaceship.

Him:  We won't comment on that. 

Me:  And the Mire technology's essentially nanogenes, so that's a callback to all of the NuWho Doctors.

Him:  It's at least an explanation for him using the same face as someone who's already appeared.9

Me:  Yeah, it's good, it's good.  It's great as well, because it still means that Torchwood doesn't count.

Him:  Ha!

Me:  Ashildr.  Did you have any idea who she was?

Him:  I felt like I should have.  She looks familiar.

Me:  Well, she's Maisie Williams who plays a character in Game of Thrones which you won't have seen.

Him:  No.

Me:  She's very good. 

Him:  No.  She looks like a person I know.

Me:  Oh, really?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  Right. 

Him:  But I don't think it's her.

Me:  It'd been revealed that she was going to be in two episodes.10  She's a major guest star for the series and people've been guessing who'd she be for ages.  Whether she'd be Susan or Jenny or...7  But, what happened was that BBC Worldwide quite canningly in another-

Him:  'Canningly'?

Me:  Cunningly too.  There's a book coming out that ties in with all of the adventures that she gets up to between now and next week and they released the synopsis for it about a fortnight ago.  Yet, even today people were putting up lists like, 'Seven Guesses Who Maisie Williams Might Be Playing', whereas BBC Worldwide - as usual - had already told us.

Him:  You're not giving them their full name.

Me:  What? 'BBC (Licence-Fee Payers Enjoyed The Chance To Watch These Episodes For Free When They Were First Broadcast In The Sixties) Worldwide'?  Did you notice the way that babies fulfil the same role as a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias-

Him:  If they hadn't revealed whose baby that was I would've gone mad. 

Me:  Ha!

Him:  It was just everywhere.

Me:  Right, It can't be escaped.  Lot of Python in there, right up to having God in the sky.  Not very subtle.  The music was...  terrible.  Probably, largely, on purpose.  With its weird pseudo-Celtic/Scottish/Kate Bush b-side thing going on. 

Him:  But that's like the sort of things you listen to.  Only you'd listen to it remixed by Rob Zombie.

Me:  Rob Zombie doesn't do remixes but, other than that, yes.  I thought that when they suggested putting the Benny Hill Theme11 on - which Clara then somehow managed to do within seconds of having filmed it, so unless it's there as an app-

Him:  I was going to say it'll be an app.  

Me:  Yeah, okay. 

Him:  There's an app for that.

Me:  But when they suggested-

Him:  You actually did shout, "Don't give Murray Gold ideas!"

Me:  Exactly.  And then they did it.  Which is, by and large, what they've been doing with the music anyway.  It's been reined in a bit. 

Him:  Do you think they really do just use a Murray Gold app now?

Me:  Probab-  "People need to feel sad.  Track seven."

Him:  "Sad track."

Me:  "This is a funny one.  That's track five."  We haven't had that so much since Strax hasn't been in the series.  Continuing the weird references to Star Wars we had a re-enactment of the trash compactor scene.  And, the author's voice.  Now, I wonder if this was a line written in by Steven Moffat seeing as he helped co-write that, the whole "To Hell with you".12

Him:  Directed at you.

Me:  Ha!

Him:  But the Doctor wasn't breaking anything, this is the thing.  He's undoing the mistake that he's made but he's not actually causing a problem until he gives them the second one.

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  'cause, even when he does it initially it's a mistake because he doesn't realise it's going to make anyone immortal, but it's undoing the first mistake he's made. 

Me:  Do you reckon this'll be how they'll sort out killing off Clara? 

Him:  She hasn't been killed this season yet, has she? 

Me:  Well, there's got to be a way out of it.  As I've said before, we're in a time now where you can't go full-Adric again.  The author's voice and the "To Hell with you" is much weaker as a fatal flaw - and is much closer to Sandman's arc than Steven Moffat's Doctor Who usually rows.

Him:  That episode was very bizarre regardless.

Me:  Yeah. 

Him:  Do you want to complain about electric eels?

Me:  Do you want to complain about the electric eels?

Him:  That's not how they work.

Me:  What noise do electric eels make?

Him:  I don't know.

Me:  And on that bombshell.

Him:  No, no, no.  We haven't complained enough about electric eels.

Me:  Go on then. 

Him:  You're the one that's seen them.

Me:  I saw one on a show once - I'll have to double-check this now - I'm sure it was a science section on a kid's show when I was younger.  They were trying to test the voltage that was emitted from an electric eel and it blew up everything they had set up in the studio to record it. 

Him:  But they don't act like...

Me:  Batteries?  The idea was good.

Him:  I did like the idea.  I liked the concept.  The only problem is, that's not how eels work.  I guess it's not right for me to complain about it, because that's also not how time travel works. 

Me:  Well, exactly.  I think I'd probably better mention Seven Samurai, Hounds of Lucifer, Beowulf and Dad's Army as well, just to make sure I've got all of that in there. 

Him:  I thought Dad's Army was a comedy?

Me:  And on that bombshell.

1.  Or a theme park version of a Viking village anyway.  Whatever, it was nice to see St. Fagans back in Doctor Who.

2.  The word I'm about to start scrabbling for here is 'contractions'.

3.  Which doesn't count just as much as Jubilee doesn't, but stick with it.

4.  And if there's anything labelled 'Ye' or 'Olde' in next week's, then I'm afraid this season's tribute to the last decade might be resembling 2013's even more than the theory I'm currently flogging the ribs out of.

5.  Ah.  Nominative determinism, how we loves ya.

6.  "He Will Knock Four Times."  "You Are Not Alone."  "The Time Lord Victorious."  I mean, I could go on...

7.  blah blah it's the Master blah

8.  Okay, here's where that was going.  Steven Moffat's not going to leave Doctor Who without sorting out the half-human cobblers that's been stinking up the place like sprout-gas since 1996.  He sorted the regeneration issue by wrapping up the series that began in 1963 and starting it again from scratch.  (This is also the chap who, may or may not've sacrificed Idris to make a point.  And if that particular point wasn't clear enough, well, Nightmare in Silver can still be read in lots of different ways.)  In fairness, Moffat really enjoys slamming shut trap-doors opened by other writers, but isn't so great at closing the ones he's left open. 

9.  Especially if you ignore Maxil.

10.  At least.  Most of Moffat's seasons have some form of curtain-call, so I'm sure we'll see Ashildr again after next week - probably nearer when the book's out.  (Cap'n Jack's back!  Crack!  Or something.)

11.  Or Yakety Sax, to give it its actual name.

12.  Somewhere around episode eleven I predict this'll either be a line or the whole plot: "No, Doc Tor.  To Hell.  With YOU!"

Before the Flood (time shift)

We arrived back at the lobby at zero-zero fifty-five and had to hide behind the potted palm to avoid confusion.
- Alan Moore, Chronocops, 2000 AD Prog 310

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

A paradox is only the truth standing on its head to attract attention
- G. K. Chesterton

Me:  Yeah...  Bootstrap paradox...

Him:  I feel like I've mentioned that at some point before.

Me:  You did.  It was Listen, last year.1

Him:  Was it?

Me:  Hmmm.  So, Beethoven.  The bit at the start where there weren't enough walls in the TARDIS...

When Yawns the Sea Badger.

Me:  Did you want to say anything about that?

Him:  Oh, yeah.  Too many walls.

Me:  Too many walls.  The fourth wall was well and truly missing there.2

Him:  Yeah, that was bizarre that bit.  What was that-?

Me:  What was that about?

Him:  "And a Merry Christmas to all of you at home."

Me:  Obviously it's just an illustration of the paradox and how it works, but it was very reminiscent of - I can't remember if it was a Time Twister or just a Future Shock, but it was in 2000 AD - about the guy who wrote Shakespeare's plays.  But that wasn't the only 2000 AD story that Before the Flood felt reminiscent of.  The other one was Chronocops by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons which was almost referenced exactly at one point, where they were hiding behind the toxic waste cans.  But there we go.  Okay.  The theme was definitely heavier.  It was different, wasn't it?

Him:  Oh yes.

Me:  In fact, I think Murray Gold's done more versions of the Doctor Who Theme than anyone else, seeing as he does twelve a year by the sounds of it. 

Him:  He doesn't tell anyone though.  Does Murray Gold do the theme music?

Me:  Yeah.  I think he changes the arrangements, yeah.

Him:  I would've thought they would've brought in...

Me:  Someone else?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  Corey Taylor from Slipknot?

Him:  Ipknot.

Me:  'Ipknot'. 

Him:  And Stone Sour.

Me:  I was a little bit disappointed he didn't go full-Cookie for that one, but there we go.  Did you recognise Peter Serafinowicz? 

Him:  No.

Me:  He was the voice of the Fisher King.  The guy who voiced Darth Maul. 

Him:  Did he not do Darth Vader?  No!  Darth Vader was the Green Cross-

Me:  Yeah, Dave Prowse.  Vader was voiced by Simba's dad, James Earl Jones.  Anyway, so the Minister of War's going to be coming up - we haven't seen that one yet. 

Him:  That might not be coming up for a very long time. 

Me:  It might not be.

Him:  It might be, y'know, an extreme trap door.

Me:  I'd give it... three weeks.  I think Clara's very dead.  She's very doomed.  

Him:  But you thought that last year.

Me:  She was doomed last year but Jenna Coleman saved her.  The way Clara behaved in that wasn't good.  And O'Donnell shouldn't have died.  O'Donnell's death was really stupid.

Him:  Well...  I get your point, but your wording could be better.  She had to die, but of the four cardinal directions available for her to check, she luckily didn't look behind her in the tiny room she'd just come out of, she didn't look in front of her because that was a wall, but she chose to look to the left - despite it being a dead end - and not to the right-

Me:  It was ridiculous.  It was obvious the Fisher King'd stopped walking right behind her.  That bit wasn't very well done.

Him:  The thing I don't get is...  It walked away.  It walked away and then it ninja'd its way back.

Me:  Ha!  I thought it was standing behind her.  The Fisher King was really good.

Him:  Walks with a purpose.

Me:  Walked with a definite purpose.  Rather than a porpoise.  It was interesting to see that Paul Kaye played Prentis as Mark Gatiss.

Him:  Yes!

Me:  Or a sort of League of Gentlemen character maybe. 

Him:  Just a general Mark Gatiss.

Me:  It felt like Mark Gatiss, didn't it?

Him:  Yeah.  I'm surprised it wasn't to be honest.

Me:  I was a little bit disappointed with Prentis' death scene, where, for some reason, they played the wrong music over it.

Him:  That was bizarre.  The death scenes in general were bizarre.  What was he doing to them?  Was he flicking them to death? 

Me:  I dunno.  We never found out. 

Him:  Well, what happened?  What did he do?

Me:  We don't know. 

Him:  Why does Prentis die immediately when...  They have no wounds, no burn marks; their clothing isn't damaged.  Y'know, the Doctor in a rugby tackle did more damage to his clothing than the Fisher King could ever do.

Me:  I'm not a big fan of Slipknot, so I'm not going to say anything. 

Him:  Ipknot.

Me:  When O'Donnell was listing Martha and Rose and everything, she was really helping cement the fact that this is the NuWhoniversary...  This is a celebratory season... of the last ten years.  I think that came through very definitely there.  I thought Capaldi was brilliant.  Again, the acting was excellent throughout, but I don't think it was quite as successful as last week.  It was still very, very good indeed.

Him:  This is what I don't get.  You can't seem to decide whether you liked it or not.  First of all you made this face after it was done, which, y'know, made it look like you wanted to kill it to bits. And then you were like, "It was great!  It was awesome!"

Me:  There were a couple of off-beats.  The stuff that happened to O'Donnell.  That was wrong.

Him:  I think that was more bad directing than script-writing.

Me:  Well, I think it probably just said, "Peril Monkey turns here".  There was no-

Him:  The thing is though, right, she was dead regardless, the second that it knew she was there.  She wasn't getting out.  But, instead of devoting, like, two minutes to it - with her trying to hide or whatever - they just ended it like that, which is bizarre, but as far the script went, and as far as the scene and the set went...  She was dead. 

Me:  The bit with Moran pursuing Cass down the corridors, I thought that was well done.  I also though that it went on a bit too long.  The sound design was nice, but we didn't really need the Photoshop filter to show us how she sees things through sound.  Or, vibration even.

Him:  That did go on for quite a while.  I was kind of disappointed they didn't use the effects of the ghosts in the dark more often because it was really good.  They just... appear.

Me:  It was creepy.

Him:  'Cause the first thing you see is the axe -

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  - despite the fact that the axe is behind him, because he's see-through.

Me:  It wasn't as good as last week, but the two of them together make a really strong story.  Oh yeah, and Clara is definitely, definitely doomed.  On that bombshell-

Him:  You don't want to make stagnant pond noises?


1.  No, Steven Moffat really doesn't read the blog.  Despite all the evidence to the contrary.

2.  For me it veered close to being over-pleased with itself.  And smug.  Also, the Magpie reference was, possibly, a bit too fanny.  Still, NuWhoniversary and all that. 

Under the Lake (time shift)

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
- James Thurber

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it the right way, did not become still more complicated.
- Poul Anderson

Him:  These names.

Me:  So, what did you think of that then?

Him:  What did you think of that?

Me:  It reminded me a bit of The Satan Pit.  I liked the 'base under siege' aspect of it.  I thought it was incredibly strong.  It zipped by very quickly.  Really well-written, really well-acted, very well-directed.  It looked great.  Tense, edge-of-the-seat stuff.  I thought the music was really good.  I thoroughly enjoyed that.  That's the best episode we've had in a long time. 

Him:  I think I'm too tired to watch these properly.

Me:  Did you enjoy it?

Him:  Yeah, but I just don't remember any of it.

Me:  I think with this one - 'cause there're a few things that've leaked that you don't know about - this one's been told with part two first.  Which is...  Finally.  In a time-travel-

Him:  So, finally, more than fifty years into a time-travel related show they're doing something with the fact that it's a time-travel related show?

Me:  The way that it's structured - even though it's a two-parter - it does remind me of another Doctor Who story.

Him:  Okay.

Me:  It reminds me of The Ark.

Him:  Ooo...  Yeah.  That was about the only other - that was so long ago.1  That one was really good as well.

Me:  And the Monoids...  I think the Monoids might be coming back, 'cause we've seen them as hand puppets in Time of the Doctor.2

Him:  Yeah, The Ark was a good one.  The cliffhanger of the stature being finished-

Me:  Yes!

Him:  That was all really good.  That Monoid guy'd just waited there for them all to come back.

Me:  Under the Lake was very clever.  There's a named character in there, a character called Prentis, who we haven't met yet.  So, do you think the Doctor's dead?

Him:  Oh, yeah.  Definitely.

Me:  Uh huh.  There was a lot to do with sound and vision-

Him:  The second that there was the ghost out there I knew it was going to be the Doctor.  Because that's how it goes.

Me:  Well, yeah. 

Him:  It had to be, because the other ones were in the chamber and while they probably could've got out through the walls - I don't really know why they're stuck in that chamber in the first place...  Do all underwater bases have ghost-proof chambers?

Me:  Yeah, I think so.  It comes as standard.

Him:  Right.  If it had been one of the other people that went with the Doctor...  It doesn't really feel like a cliffhanger.  It feels like a spoiler. 

Me:  But if it'd been all three of them?

Him:  Yeah, that would've been cool.  But it wasn't.

Me:  That was the only bit that almost didn't work.  I knew it was going to be the Doctor - it had to be.

Him:  It had to be.

Me:  Otherwise it doesn't up the jeopardy.  It means that Clara's stuck-

Him:  I feel it would've been better if...  I dunno.  I felt like that bit lasted just slightly too long, with Clara going, "No!  No!  No!  No!  No!  NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!"

Sea-badger!

Him:  "NO!"

Me:  Ha!  It wasn't as bad as the Aliens of London one, was it?  There the endings just didn't stop.

Him:  That at least had, like, five endings.  It wasn't one ending that was, "NO!  NO!  NO!"

Me:  We got the, "We need to talk," line in there, but it didn't go all Walking Dead which I thought was quite nice.  "But, don't you see?" got said twice.  Yeah.  Autons and the Nethersphere getting a mention was cool.  The Doctor came across as much more alien than he has done in a long time.  I like the idea that he's got the cards.

Him:  There's something bizarre with Peter Capaldi's Doctor.  He's been written in a really unique way, because he has almost no understanding of people, whereas in the past he's had complete understanding of people.

Me:  Yeah.  I know that the temptation is to say, like I just did, that he's more alien, but I think he's being written more as the god-like figure that he represents.  Like I've said before, the Doctor and the Master are essentially acting as gods and humans that encounter them...  In a weird way, humans are the fleeting ghosts that flicker through a Time Lord's existence.  Everything's temporary, because they're so much more-  Basically, they're gods.  They're immortal.  Near enough.  They could hang around forever.  It's very Greek.  The last two...  I think it's been dialled up a lot more.  Impressive stuff.  Very strong.  Were you expecting the Doctor to say it was a base under siege? 

Him:  Oh, yes.

Me:  That was great.  I've not really got much more to say.  Until we've seen the next part, it's hard to really say anything. 

Him:  It'd be easier to watch if it wasn't so late and I wasn't so tired.

Me:  It's very late now.  Can I act as a bit of a Cassandra?  Can I throw out a  semi-prediction here?  We know that the writing that the TARDIS can't translate - which, obviously we saw in The Satan Pit as well -

Him:  Why does he never assume it's just a scribble?

Me:  It's been scratched in as well.  The rest of it's-  Actually, it reminded me of Quatermass and the Pit.3

Him:  Quamertass and the Hole?

Me:  Ha!  You've got this buried thing...  It was nice seeing the Doctor put all the pieces together and uncover it as it's going along, but...  Here we go.  I think that this ghost process must be reversible.  And we know that Clara got 'infected' as well.  It must be a reversible process.  And I think that's probably going to come in...2

Him:  Maybe it's just really dark?

Me:  Could be, could be. 

Him:  "You want your grown-up Doctor Who?"

Me:  "Here's your grown-up Doctor Who!  Now, stop your weeping."

Him:  Ha!

Me:  I think we'll have to wait until next week to find out what's really going with that, but that's not a bad position to be in.  Are we going to make any noises?

Him:  I thought the next time trailer was bizarre. 

Me:  Any noises?

Him:  I just thought I'd, y'know, fling that in.

Me:  And on that bombshell!

1.  There was a really subtle nod to The Ark in The Magician's Apprentice, don't forget...

2.  I don't.

3.  And - as with Cold War - there's another underwater tribute to the Alien franchise.  Mr Fincher's this time, rather than Mr Scott's first bash.

Doctor Who and the Melting Internet

There are two classes of forecasters: those that don't know, and those that don't know they don't know.

- J. K. Galbraith

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, 1949

You join us mid-conversation, Lady and Gentleman.  Don't worry, you'll soon catch up.

Him:  I thought you meant personal news.

Me:  Ha!  No, it's not personal news.

Him:  That's why I was, like, "Am I going to hate this?"

Me:  "I'm afraid my legs're going to have to come off."

Him:  Yeah.  Or that we're moving to Uzbekistan.

Me:  Uzbekistan? 

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  No, we're not moving.  We're staying in the Arctic.

Him:  Okay.

Me:  I've got a suspicion that you didn't hear about this.

Him:  I don't think I did.

Me:  Yesterday, the BBC Doctor Who Twitter account did one of its-  It announced there was going to be an announcement.  You know like they do trailers for trailers?  This was an announcement for an announcement.  And that it was going to be 'HUGE'.  In capital letters.  And so some of the internet melted.  Then it was announced that the announcement was going to be announced at eleven o'clock.

Him:  Today?

Me:  No, no, last night.

Him:  Right.

Me:  You haven't heard about this have you?

Him:  No.

Me:  You're missing all of the promotion totally, aren't you? 

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  And, really, you're the target audience, so I'm not sure it's working as well as the BBC`d like.

Him:  Yeah, I don't know what they're trying.  Their target audience doesn't have Twitter accounts.

Me:  Ha!  I think some of them do.  Or they're on Tumblr.  So...  When they say it's going to be a huge piece of news - and this has come out of nowhere, it's all unexpected.  There's supposed to be an announcement on October 7th about something, but people seem to be thinking that's going to be about The Underwater Menace coming out on DVD at the end of the month, which everyone knows anyway-

Him:  It's coming out at the end of the month?

Me:  Yeah. 

Him:  I thought they weren't releasing it?

Me:  They're going to release it now, yeah.

Him:  You told me-

Me:  No, no, no.  It's coming out. 

Him:  But you said they were never-

Me:  They changed their minds.  Which is quite encouraging.  But, there's still been no announcement of what special features, if any, are going to be on it.  Or what's been done to cover the two missing episodes, whether they've been reconned or what, so the theory doing the rounds is still that, "It's all escaped from the BBC Canteen!"  So, when the official BBC Doctor Who account announces that it's going to give some HUGE news...  What do you imagine happens on the internet?

Sea badger!

Him:  People come up with theories.

Me:  Oh yes, oh yes.  There's  a big race - and I did it as well, of course.  What you do is come up with as many theories as possible-

Him:  In the hope that one of them's correct and you can then claim credit for it?

Me:  Yeah!  And just ignore all the ones that were wrong.  Yeah.  It's all part of the game.  And it's fun.  Right, so...  If it's going to be a HUGE piece of news about Doctor Who, what sort of theories do you think people were coming up with?  What comes to mind initially?

Him:  The Zarbi'll be back.

Me:  Ha!

Him:  That'll have been the top of everyone's list.  Ummmm.  They're going to recolour the TARDIS. 

Me:  Okay.

Him:  They're going to make it orange, to contrast with... normality.  Umm...  And, they're actually going to give the Doctor a giant man-eating rabbit as a companion.

Me:  That would've been cool.  The companion idea was one of the ones-

Him:  The man-eating rabbit?

Me:  No.  that there might be a companion-

Him:  Is the man-eating rabbit appearing?  Is that a thing that I've correctly guessed?

Me:  No, you haven't.  No-one got it right.  There's a new spin-off series.

Him:  Steven Moffat finally got his spin-off series?

Me:  Ha!  Sort of.  It's being written by someone who's not Steven Moffat though-

Him:  Oh.

Me:  And it's called Class.  So, what do you think that it might be about?

Him:  Are you sure it isn't being written by Steven Moffat?  'cause he sure managed to make Chalk disappear.

Me:  Ha!  Oddly enough, as soon as it was announced I did put up "Chalk Version 2.0"!  It's going to be set in Coal Hill school and it's going to follow teenagers-

Him:  That sounds incredibly dull.

Me:  It's going to follow teenagers and it's going to be all about alien inv-

Him:  It's either going to be incredibly dull or ethically wrong.

Me:  'Ethically wrong'?  Why 'ethically wrong'?

Him:  Because you shouldn't be going to schools...  It's just... No.  You shouldn't be involving children.  Especially not all these children who seem to have some kind of...  I can't tell if they're bad actors or if they're...  They were in some sort of-

Me:  Oh!  In the last-

Him:  Yeah.  The special care unit who can talk to the dead and speak to fairies and stuff.

Me:  Okay.

Him:  And who tell terrible jokes about finding x.  That's probably why Chalk failed.

Me:  The problem with Chalk-1

Him:  I wouldn't know, because it's gone.

Me:  Yeah, it's gone.  It doesn't exist anywhere, which is pretty good going 'cause-

Him:  I'd probably watch it, but it's not there.

Me:  You can get hold of Edison's Frankenstein film but you can't find Chalk.  It's really weird.  What else isn't out there?

Him:  Do you mean Go On?

Me:  'Go On'?

Him:  Go On.

Me:  Was this the Mrs Doyle spin-off series?

Him:  Ha!  No, this was one of Matthew Perry's series.

Me:  Oh!  This was the one that just vanished, wasn't it?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  They made, like, two episodes and it-

Him:  No, they made a whole season in 2012 and it was great.  It just doesn't exist anymore. 

Me:  It's weird, isn't it?  Very odd indeed.

Him:  And then you can't watch any of Matthew Perry's Second Chance.

Me:  Was it called Second Chance or Matthew Perry's Second Chance?

Him:  There was another TV show called Second Chance...

Me:  So it was called Matthew Perry's Second Chance?

Him:  But it's not, it was one of the first things he was in.

Me:  Oh!  Before he was in Friends?

Him:  Yeah.  He's really young in it.

Me:  So it wasn't even his second chance?

Him:  No, it was his first chance.  Only one episode of that seems to exist.

Me:  Right.

Him:  And I'd like to see the rest of it, because it's typical comedy where, y'know, people laugh at every joke and all the actors take pauses because they know the audience is going to be laughing.

Me:  Chalk... didn't... get that.  That was part of the problem.  It got commissioned for a second series before the first...  It was very unlucky.  Anyway, Class.  It was really clever the way the BBC did it.  The Doctor Who sections of the internet basically melted, Doctor Who fans-

Him:  They melted?

Me:  - of a certain age, had decided that obviously this meant there was going to be an announcement about the missing episodes.  Finally.

Him:  Definitely.

Me:  Yeah.  But no.  So, they're not happy.

Him:  There're going to be Matt Smith flavour sweets called... umm...

Me:  What flavour would Matt Smith be?  Licorice?

Him:  Yes.  And it's going to be called-

Me:  'Smiffies'.

Him:  I don't even know.  I spent about a minute there trying to think of something clever and... No.  There's nothing.

Me:  Well, I think Class is eight forty-five minute episodes and it's going to be on BBC3, which'll be online by then...  It's just going to be an online channel.2

Him:  Is it going to be any good?

Me:  Well, I hadn't heard of the guy who's writing it but-

Him:  Is this not what happened-

Me:  It's 'Young Adult' stuff.

Him:  Wasn't Futurama's goal to try and spend all the money they were making from The Simpsons so it would just die?  But then they both got really...

Me:  Successful?

Him:  A similar thing happened with Family Guy, I'm sure.  That has about nineteen spin-off series and they just won't die.  There's more money and, "I just don't wanna write this anymore."

Me:  I don't think it's that.  I think it's an attempt to replicate the success of Doctor Who3 or at least spin-off from the success of Doctor Who.  It'll help BBC3...  The problem is, a lot of Doctor Who fans seem to think the show's being made for them, which it isn't.  And it's easy to forget that.

Him:  But they're the only ones who get the Twitter updates, so...

Me:  Well, yeah, but the audience for this particular series will be on Twitter.  It's the 'Young Adult' thing again.  It's filling the 'gap' between The Sarah Jane Adventures and Torchwood.

Him:  I don't really think a balance of those would be a good thing, mixing the cast of The Sarah Jane Adventures and the script of Torchwood.

Me:  Ha!  Well... yes.  You've not seen any Torchwood, have you?

Him:  No.

Me:  You've only heard my opinion-

Him:  You seem to think it's just awful, so...

Me:  Oh, it is.  It's absolutely appalling.

Him:  But you didn't watch the only one that's supposed to be watchable though.

Me:  No, I haven't.  Children of Earth.  Which was followed by Miracle Day, which was a return to form apparently and basically killed the series dead.

Him:  And what about that one phase in every transition to a Cyberman that they usually forget to show?

Me:  What?  The high-heel stage?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  Good grief, that episode is so bad it's almost good.  It's awful.

Him:  Did you not have fun watching it to laugh at?  Or was it not that bad, or was it too bad?  Had it crossed the line twice?4

Me:  The first ten minutes of the first episode were okay.  I thought, "This could be alright."  And then, after that-4

[SCENE MISSING]

Me:  - but that's just my take on it.  It's only an opinion.  No-one sets out to make bad...

Him:  You don't know that.

Me:  No.  Well, Curse of Fatal Death...  Just kidding.  So, fair play to the BBC, they did everything they needed to do and Class got HUGE promotion, so that's good.  This`ll be an unexpected update that`ll surprise people.

Him:  Okay.

Me:  And then back to usual.

Him:  Okay.  We don`t need to make noises because you`re typing it.

Me:  That`s true.  And on that bombshell!


1.  Kroll bless the melty internet...

2.  Which means that Class won't - and can't - be canon.

3.  Take a bow Primeval, Robin Hood, Merlin, Atlantis and so on.

4.  Okay, I'd better explain what happened between myself and Torchwood to balance this hatchet job out.

For the last ten years I've swapped Christmas Day and Boxing Day around.  Christmas Day has become a leap day for me.  Basically, I lounge around and watch a box set in one go - stopping for a curry at the halfway point.  The extended edition of Lord of the Rings wasn't a great idea - I was experiencing Orc Fatigue by the end of the fifth disc and I've not watched it since.  Anyway, Doctor Who'd come back all spangly, brash and exciting and there was I, living without TV or an internet connection.  I did share the cave with an invisible Wampa, but that's a whole other story.

I'd read about Torchwood in Doctor Who Magazine, one eye shut to avoid spoilers, and it sounded like a great idea, exciting and fresh and new.  So, I treated myself to the Season One boxset - which looks lovely to this day - and lined up the discs ready for full-on immersion.  It started so promisingly...

After the first ten or so minutes I was getting nervous.  Now, it's not impossible that all the fault for what I'm about to type lies with me.  Opinions and all that.  I made a conscious decision to stop watching TV in 2003 and that's not been a problem.  I still keep track of what's going on in the world and I'll happily shell out for a box set if it catches my fancy, but on the whole I find there's not enough hours in the day without TV.  Of course, this means that when I do watch TV shows, I'm coming at them from a slightly different place to a lot of the audience.  And ten minutes into the first episode of Torchwood I was getting nervous because what I was watching just wasn't very good.  And I really, really wanted it to be good.

If anything, it went downhill, gathering pace with each episode.  The tone was baffling, the show seemed to have no idea what it was or who it was aiming at, which is fair enough for a show that was, in its own way, trailblazing.  I'd had enough time away from Doctor Who to get the sense that this was the kind of show that the fans of the more adult-themed novels that pumped out relentlessly during the Wilderness Years really wanted.  Which is ludicrous.  I've said it before and I'll damn well say it again: Doctor Who cannot grow with its audience or, eventually, it won't have one.  Because they'll all be dead.  Sorry, but that's how life works. 

The main problem that Torchwood suffered from - in my opinion - was that it was fan fiction, pure and simple.  And fan fiction's not mainstream by its very nature.  The Sarah Jane Adventures was more successful as a series than Torchwood for several reasons, but the main one was its appeal.  Nostalgic Doctor Who fans could enjoy it just as much as the younger audience the show was targeted at.  It didn't hurt that the characters were sympathetic and, in many cases, the writing was sharper than both Torchwood and, I'd argue, several episodes of post-Doomsday Doctor Who.  Torchwood just didn't have that.  It wanted to be an Angel to Doctor Who's Buffy, but that wasn't going to happen because Doctor Who already filled the Angel position in the Whoniverse.  It's a family show.  While it's fine to push the limits - Doctor Who's been "too scary for kids" since Barbara banged her head in that junkyard - there are limits.  Oddly enough, The Curse of Fatal Death remains a prime example of what happens when those limits are stumbled over, and many of its flaws are identical to Torchwood's.  Which is weird.

In the end, the only way I managed to get through the box set marathon - and I accept that it wasn't an ideal way of watching the show - was to pretend it was a modern Police Squad. 

I gave Torchwood the benefit of the doubt - trailblazing's not easy - and borrowed the first few episodes of the second series from a chum.  It... wasn't for me.  Later on, I tried listening to the audios that cropped up on Radio 4.  Same problems.  I know that Children of Earth has a great reputation - I still haven't seen it - and that Miracle Day doesn't.  I also know that any exploration of why the Doctor chose Peter Capaldi's face that might be coming up in the next few weeks can totally discount the actor's appearance in Children of Earth, because it has to. 

Doctor Who's a mainstream family show and... well.  That's it.  Nothing else matters.  Or counts.

I can see Torchwood as a brave experiment now; The Sarah Jane Adventures definitely learned from the mistakes its elder stablemate made.  We'll see how Class fares soon enough.  Class is going to benefit hugely from its association with Doctor Who, but it won't be Doctor Who.  It can, of course, build on the Time Lord's achievements and, hopefully it'll become something glorious, exciting, revolutionary and HUGE. 

Y'know, like Torchwood wasn't.

The Witch's Familiar (time shift)

 

Beware of the people you've been kind to.

- Alan Marshall

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

- Savielly Tartakower

Him:  Why do they have these names?

Me:  Well, The Witch's Familiar was Clara and The Magician's Apprentice was Davros by the looks of it.

Him:  But why do they have these names? 

Me:  Otherwise it'd be 'Genocide of the Daleks' and 'Prisoner of Davros' or something.

Him:  'Davros of the Daleks'.

Me:  'Davros of the Daleks', yes.  'Cyberman of the Daleks', still waiting for that one.

Him:  'Sewer of the Daleks'!

Me:  That reminded me a bit of The Curse of Fatal Death...  I've a suspicion that 'the Hybrid' - we've already seen... 

Him:  Okay.

Me:  'cause, when talking about two warlike races it wasn't very definitely 'Daleks'.  Might be explaining that the Doctor's the Hybrid between the two warlike races of the Time Lords and Humanity. 

Sea badger!

Him:  Okay...

Me:  Yeah?  It was nice to see that the Danger Mouse agenda is back in.1

Him:  Vampire monkeys.

Me:  Vampire monkeys.

Him:  The pit of vampire monkeys.

Me:  And then there was the point-ed stick...  They could always eat a Metaltron...  I thought that Missy and Clara made a good team. 

Him:  Really?

Me:  Yeah. 

Him:  Really?

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  Really?

Me:  Yeah.  Did you not?

Him:  I wouldn't have called it a 'good team'.

Me:  I'm rooting more for Missy, which can't be right.

Him:  Well, there's always another Clara.

Me:  Ha!  She's the Impossible Girl Who's Everywhere.  "SEEK!-LO-CATE!!-DE-STROY!!!"

Him:  "AL-IGN-AND-AD-VANCE!-AD-VANCE-AND-AT-TACK!!-AT-TACK-AND-DE-STROY!!!-DE-STROY-AND-RE-JOICE!!!!"

Me:  Yeah, you spotted that one.  And why do they have another plastic chair on Skaro?2

Him:  Why do they have a plastic chair on Skaro?  Why do they have plastic on Skaro?  Why do they have a chair on Skaro?

Me:  I thought Julian Bleach's performance as Davros was excellent.  The story was very much hitting the same notes as Dalek, where you've got a sympathetic... 

Him:  "We need to talk."

Me:  Ha!  Yeah, it wasn't quite to The Walking Dead level of chatting about stuff, but it-

Him:  It was. 

Me:  There was an awful lot of just chatting about stuff, wasn't there?  It was fine.  Did what it did.  Good performances...

Bonus second appearance by the sea badger...

Me:  I have to admit, I do feel somewhat underwhelmed.

Him:  Only now?

Me:  Yeah.  With the two of them together, it was...  Hurm.  That's not the end of that story.  They were the first two parts of a multi-part Dalek story. 

Him:  We don't need more Daleks.  Do we really need more Daleks?

Me:  I think we need... an annual dose of Daleks just to make sure we keep getting Daleks. 

Him:  I could live without Daleks.

Me:  What would you have instead of the Daleks?

Him:  The Zarbi.

Me:  Ha!  Bring back Zombo!  The first of the Boy Genius companions.

Him:  I don't know what you could have instead of the Daleks.  Maybe, like, sporks would be a suitable replacement?

Me:  We've had Spoonheads...

Him:  Wait!  Why did all of the buildings collapse?

Me:  Because Dalek... buildings... do.

Him:  But why?

Me:  Because they do.  At the end of a story that's what they do.  Although, this isn't the end of a story, it's set another one up.  It's all going to be about Gallifrey and why the Doctor left and...

Him:  And why did the angry zombie Dalek... paste... things...  What?  Why did they only try and kill other Daleks? 

Me:  Because they were angry about not being Daleks any more?

Him:  Very specifically, other Kaleds, 'cause they won't go after you if you're anything else in a Dalek suit.

Me:  That's very true.  I dunno.

Him:  This name trend's not going to continue though?  The next one's not going to be called, 'The Shomaster's Spork' or something?

Me:  It'll be 'Something of the Daleks' next time.

Him:  There's not really much left as far as 'of the Daleks' is concerned. 

Me:  The whole of the 'r' section of the Oxford English Dictionary has definitely been done.

Him:  You just can't remember between 'Remembrance', 'Revelation' and 'Resurrection'.

Me:  Can you?

Him:  'Remembrance of the Daleks' is the Sylvester McCoy one.  'Revelation of the Daleks' is the Tom Baker one-

Me:  Oooo.  No.

Him:  How am I supposed to know?

Me:  'Destiny of the Daleks' you're thinking of.  None of the Tom Baker ones've got rrrrrrrrrrrrs.

Him:  Ha!

Me:  Anyway, on that bombshell-

Him:  That just shows how confusing it is!

Me:  -here comes a clam!

Him:  A clam?

Me:  Where?

Final part of the Sea Badger Trilogy!

Him:  What?


1.  No, not Doctor Augustus P Crumhorn III...

2.  The answer's here - you'll have to scroll down a bit...

3.  I'd usually put a 'review' around about here, but there's not much to be said, it was all there on the screen.  And, at the moment, it still feels like we're in the opening scenes.  If this series was, The Daleks' Master Plan (say), then Katarina'd still be around.  Clara's Doom's obviously delaying gratification for another couple of months.  I can wait.

The Magician's Apprentice (time shift)

I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.
- G. K. Chesterton

Or, if you want to be all obvious about it:

Every man is as Nature made him, and sometimes a great deal worse.
- Miguel de Cervantes

Me:  That was more like it! 

Him:  That title has nothing to do with anything.

Me:  Were you expecting brooms and...?

Him:  No.  The name has nothing to do with anything. 

Me:  Well, it's interesting.  Who is the Magician's Apprentice, then?

Him:  Nobody that that episode was about!

Me:  That's fair enough.  So, what were your initial thoughts on that then?

Him:  I still don't know.

Me:  Did you enjoy it? 

Him:  I don't know.

Me:  Okay.  The introduction.  All looking World War 2 until the lasers come down.  That whole opening pre-credits title sequence is almost the start of Genesis of the Daleks.  I don't know if you remember, but Genesis of the Daleks starts on Skaro-

Him:  Took me a very long time to blank out Genesis of the Daleks.

Me:  The echoes were good.  So, the hand mines.  Did you like those?

Him:  They reminded me of several things.

Me:  What did they remind you of?

The Him explains what the hand mines are reminiscent of.

Me:  When the boy announced that his name was Davros and the music came in...  "Darkplace!  Darkplace! Darkplace!"

Him:  I pointed that out.

Me:  I was just trying to coax it out of you.

[SCENE MISSING]

Him:  You can't just do that.   

Me:  Do what?

Him:  You can't just keep cutting it until you like it.

Me:  Yeah, you can.  That's what it's about.

Him:  But this is the thirty-seventh time!

Me:  Ha!  I think the titles've been tweaked again-

Him:  Yeah, but you thought that all through last year.

Me:  -and it sounded a little bit like Nick Cave was playing in the Star Wars Cantina scene-

Him:  Oh, what?  That was full of slaves.

Me:  Yeah, 'cause the Ood had-

Him:  They shouldn't have their brains encased because that means that they're slaves.

Me:  You know I did that preview show with J.R.?1  The one I haven't talked to you about?

Him:  No.

Me:  Right.  Well, a fair bit of what J.R. was saying, he got spot-on about that episode.  Impressive stuff.

Him:  You don't think he's going to be a 'professional writer' about this and just pretend he-

Me:  Ha!  No, I don't think  so.  Poor Bors!  No!  That was very sad.

Him:  I know, I know.  I felt like patting you on the shoulder actually.   That was upsetting.

Me:  I almost got a shiver...  From when it started I guessed it was going to be about Davros- that was obviously what it was going to be about.  There'd been hints scattered down through the-

Him:  When?

Me:  You've missed all of it, haven't you?

Him:  There were no hints that it was even on tonight. 

Me:  It looks like it's going to be going back through - because this is the tenth anniversary - the tenth NuWhoniversary to coin a terrible phrase that can be used as a hashtag...

Him:  What would you call it?

Me:  Well...  The NuWhoniversary.  The Whoniversary was the Fiftieth.  The "The Doctor is required" line?

Him:  "Doctor Who is required."

Me:  Yeah. 

Him:  That goes back a bit further.  Just a tad. 

Me:  Davros' special envoy, the Eoin McLove fan -

Him:  Ha!  

Me:  Sorry.  It was effective the way he moved, it was good, but I just couldn't get past...

Him:  No.  I had serious problems with Snake Man.

Me:  I've got serious problems with Jane bloody Austen, I can tell you that for free.  Steven Moffat may not read this blog,2 but I still felt that was particularly aimed at me. 

[SCENE MISSING]

Him:  You don't just need to cut it if you don't know what it means!

Me:  Clara's teaching/career trajectory?

Him:  She's a terrible teacher.

Me:  She's going to be lucky if she's got a job to go back to.

Him:  Yeah, because she just runs out.

Me:  Missy's music...

Him:  Is that going to be a regular section from now on?

Us:  "Missy's Music." 

Me:  It's walking a very, very fine line, but throughout most of this, I was impressed with the music.  There were a couple of moments where I was getting a bit twitchy, but most of it I thought was really good.  Very effective.  I thought the whole episode was shot very nicely.  Apart from the film crew in the car door, but you can't have everything.

Him:  That's the first time we've seen the film crew in a while though.  The only other time I really remember seeing them...  Was it The Masque of Mandragora? 

Me:  Might've been. 

Him:  No.  It was Image of the Fendahl.

Me:  I zoned out, sorry.  What?

Him:  The film crew.

Me:  When it zooms up?  No, they're in The Ark.

Him:  No, it's Image of the Fendahl.  When the door opens and it's never explained-

Me:  When the Doctor's trapped in Fetch Priory -

Him:  Yeah.  The film crew open the door.  That's how I explained it.  Is that the one that's not in the Discontinuity Guide?

Me:  It might be, yeah.  With the Confession - or 'Chekhov's Confession', because that's going to open before the end of the series - we're going through the whole, 'Oh, the Doctor is dead' business again by the look of it.

Him:  Yes.

Me:  As we did in series six.

Him:  Well, to be fair, Matt Smith and David Tennant both had the, 'Oh, I'm gonna die. Better go and have a final thing.'  Then David Tennant went around, saw all his friends and saved all their lives and Matt Smith cleaned a guy's house. 

Me:  Ha!  Missy's lie in that confrontation with Clara...  If it turns out that the Doctor was a little girl - if that's the lie - then my Listen theory could still hold up.3  I think there was more going on with that barn.

Him:  Why?

Me:  Why?  Because I do.

Him:  But that would make even less sense, because then that'd mean that Steven Moffat had even more regeneration stuff to explain.

Me:  This feels tighter. 

Him:  Really?

Me:  Yeah, 'cause that episode moved much slower...  Did it feel like an end of series story to you?

Him:  It certainly didn't feel like a typical opening.  I'll give you that.

Me:  It was big.  Lots of Star Wars going on.  Three possible versions of Atlantis?  I thought that was a nice little touch.  And I'm going to let them off the entrance with the guitar, because that was spectacular.  Even if he was playing Tie Your Mother Down.

Him:  We haven't even commented on Missy's returning line though.

Me:  Which was?

Him:  "I'm back.  Not dead.  Big surprise."

Me:  Ha!  Yeah, that one! 

Him:  That got a large laugh out of you.

Me:  Yeah, it did.  I thought it was brilliant.  There's no point messing around.  Missy, Clara and the TARDIS.  Well, they're all destroyed.

Him:  Missy had a different effect from Clara.  You saw Missy's skeleton, you didn't see Clara's.  She just disappeared.  And then the TARDIS had another different one.  But that was probably just to add - I dunno - 'dramatic monologue' or something.  Onomatopoeia.

Me:  It's...  I'm wondering if we'll see Missy later in the series, because she could've been regenerating there.  She's obviously been teleported, in the same way that Clara's-  They're not dead.

Him:  Well, you don't know that about Missy because, like I said, she has the different effect.  You see her skeleton.  You don't see Clara's. 

Me:  Remember when the David Tennant Doctor-

Him:  Yeah, but that can't even be explained.  That's inexplicable. 

Me:  You were quite chuffed to see other mutants that Davros...

Him:  It is good to see some of his other mutants, but I would have liked to've seen an impressive one.

Me:  Well, he could've sent the Clam!

Him:  I thought you said, 'the Clown'.

Me:  Ha!

Him:  That's why I was confused! 

Me:  It's pretty grim.  Under the Kaled city there's just caves full of clowns.

Him:  It's an ancient clown burial ground.

Me:  Ha!  Excellent!  You were talking about Huggles the Caterpillar.

Him:  That's the one I thought he should've sent instead of Mr Slithers.  Not that there was a huge problem with Mr Slithers, it was just that...  Couldn't you have given him legs?  It was very distracting, because it was so funny.  And when he changed into his snakey snake form, when he released all the snakey snakes...  I couldn't take that seriously either.  Where are they?

Me:  It's nice that we've finally managed to see snakes in space.

Him:  Or, as you said in the episode?

Me:  "SNAAAAKES/IN/SPAAAAAAAACE!"  What else was nice?  Old Doctors coming back...

Him:  For some reason I could only see stuff on the far side of the screen.

Me:  We should probably get you to an optician then.  The Architect Dalek's been busy.

Him:  Right, that makes no logical sense either.  Seriously.  Did they steamroller over it all?

Me:  It got blown up at one point.

Him:  The Daleks rebuilt the planet with RED.

Me:  What'll impress me - what'll really impress me - is if Steven Moffat manages to sort out the  Daleks timeline.

Him:  You can't.

Me:  No, you can't.  But, what he's done there, is made the Doctor responsible for the Daleks-

Him:  Unless there're two different Skaros?

Me:  There could be.  "It's lucky they didn't discover... Site B."  That could've been the start for up to twenty-six Jurassic Park sequels.  "It's lucky they didn't discover... Site J." 

Him:  Ha!

Me:  Nice seeing old Daleks again. 

Him:  It's always the same Special Weapons Dalek though.

Me:  The Special Weapons Dalek is the coolest of all the Daleks.

Him:  It's like they can't be bothered building... just one more.  It kind of reminds me of the cardboard Daleks in that it's just... "We can only ever use one Special Weapons Dalek at a time."

Me:  It's supposed to be mad isn't it?  The Special Weapons Dalek. 

Sea badger!

Me:  And all the other Daleks're supposed to hate it.  I dunno if that's canonical or if I've just made that up.

Him:  You've just made that up! 

Me:  Ha!  I don't think it's impossible that Missy's going to regenerate.  Like I was saying earlier, about the Professor Yana thing.4 It hasn't been done yet.  Steven Moffat's done his own twist on a lot of Russell T. Davies things, but what we haven't had - and I have said this before - where we encounter someone who's the Master, but doesn't know that they are.

Him:  Hold on, hold on.  What he's going to do, in order to turn the series on its head, is she's going to regenerate into the little boy...

Me:  So, with Davros having had the Doctor's sonic screwdriver - and this does go a little bit...  So, on the whole, what did you think?

Him:  I have no words.

Me:  For the start of the series, that's a really bold opening.

Him:  It's mental.

Me:  That too.  Okay, right, well...  We need to make some sort of barnyard noise now, don't we?  Like Man Yak.  What noise shall we make?

Him:  Snake noises!

Me:  Go on then.

Him:  sssssssssssss

Me:  And on that bombshell!


1.  CLANG! 

2.  Despite all the evidence, he really doesn't.

3.  I hope I'm wrong though.  For a variety of reasons.4

4.  I'm not going to definitely commit myself at this stage.  Still too early.  Having said that, I'd love it if this series builds on a strong start by opening out, rather than turning its gaze inward.  Time, as usual, will tell.  Just like Mrs Doyle... 

The Doctor's Meditation

I have had my solutions for a long time, but I do not yet know how I am to arrive at them.

- Karl Friedrich Gauss

Him:  You have no idea how tired I am.1

Me:  Right, we've just watched The Doctor's Meditation.2  I've got some thoughts, but I was wondering whether...  I'm going to run a couple of things by you, okay?

The Him makes a noise like a deflating tractor.  As usual, you'll have to imagine..

Me:  Did you recognise the castle?3

Him:  No.

Me:  It's Caerphilly Castle and it's been in the series a few times, as other things.  So, it's not necessarily... We're still not going to find out why there's that weird POV shot at the start of The Rebel Flesh.4  Did you think it was funny?

Silence. 

Me:  Right.  So it wasn't just a scratch and you did get bitten by that sea-badger then.  Does this mean you've gone full weresea-badger now?

More of the same.

Me:  Okay.  The subtle use of Track 7 ('Comedy Parp Parp Ambience') filled me with hope for the series.  The AAAARGH factor of Mr Gold is, I think, likely to cause me some problems again this time around.  Having said that, the music's usually better in the actual episodes themselves.  Because they don't tend to use stock music in those.  

Him:  That's not true.  You still complain about the music in the episodes.

Me:  Some of last year's was great.

Him:  You still complained.

Me:  Listen was really good.  When the music lays off it's much more effective - but I guess that's not how TV shows're made in Space Year 2015.  Going on my sporadic exposure to them, anyway.  Did you spot the almost-Chancellor Flavia Theme at the end?  I was wondering whether, with this being the tenth anniversary of the show returning, we'll have a series that reflects that.  Like with the Fiftieth.  Did you notice anything about the trousers that Mr Capaldi was wearing?

Him:  I chose not to comment.

Me:  Okay.  I thought there was an allusion to McCoy's Doctor, with the magician business - I don't think that's just down to Steven Moffat having a go at the Photoshoppery that took place with Mr Capaldi's first promo shot.  Making a lady levitate while pulling hats out of rabbits-

Him:  You always say that, but you didn't invent that quote.

Me:  No.  I don't know where I got it from though.  It might've- 

Him:  Duckula.

Me:  Was it?

Him:  That's where it comes from.

Me:  Seriously?  I thought I'd nicked it from Neil Gaiman or something.

Him:  No. 

Me:  Which episode?

Him:  Actually, I believe it's from Danger Mouse.

Me:  It probably is!

Him:  I believe it's from one of the Duckula episodes of Danger Mouse.  I think it's the first appearance of Duckula.

Me:  Right.

Him:  Before he got his groovy spin-off series.

Me:  This was when he was obsessed with acting, wasn't it?

Him:  He was always obsessed with acting.  That was the plot of the Duckula series.  We've watched it!  He's trying to get on television!  That's his goal! 

Me:  I've not seen the Duckula series.

Him:  We watched a few episodes of it.  Remember?

Me:  Bors.

Him:  Where?

Me:  I'm not going to do the Duran Duran reference.

Him:  What?

Me:  Who's this person the Doctor doesn't want to go and see, d'you think?

Him:  Dunno.

Me:  Could it be...  I don't know.

Him:  Hmmmmmmm... 

Me:  I genuinely don't know.

Him:  No, I can't think of anyone who fits that criteria.

Me:  Well, other than the Master.  But I think that's too obvious-

Him:  No, it's not.  It was very obviously the Master all of last season as well.

Me:  Okay.

Him:  Missy was very obviously the Master.  That's why I pretended there's no-one who fits that criteria.

Me:  Michelle Gomez is very good as Missy. 

Him:  Even if you don't think Missy was very well written or whatever it was.

Me:  No, I thought Missy was written in the same voice as Moriarty from Sherlock.  Talking of writing...  Some of The Doctor's Meditation was really good2 - it played up to Steven Moffat's strengths: dialogue, construction and humour.  Unfortunately, that's why we get the same piece of comedy parp parp music to point out when a scene's supposed to be funny.  Now, Bors...  I was wondering.  That whole thing about him being an idiot.  Now, I genuinely don't know if this is where it's going, but d'you remember last season's kind of Fourth Doctor vibe?  Clara and Danny filling in for Sarah and Harry - looked like it was going to go that way, but then it didn't.  Now, Bors reminded me of Harry-

Him:  "-Sullivan is an imbecile."

Me:  Yeah!  I got that again.  Wouldn't it be...  Because we haven't had a companion from the past for ages - if, maybe, they went a bit Troughton with it?  Bors could be the new Jamie.

Silence.

Me:  There's been no announcement.  The thing I did find with Bors was that while Daniel Hoffmann-Gill's performance was excellent-

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  - the dialogue he was given was clunky.6  And that's a shock from Steven Moffat.

Him:  What Steven Moffat are you on about?

Stunned pause.

Me:  Whoooooo.  Are you taking a particular dangerous approach for this upcoming run of Doctor Who then?

Him:  I dunno.  I'm going to sleep now.

Me:  And, on that bombshell...

1.  Fair play, the Him had just stated that he'd be having a nap the moment before this latest piece of VAM2 cropped up in the Arctic.

2.  Before you get too excited, Lady and Gent, it's worth remembering that this doesn't (and can't) count.

3.  I did, but only because I saw first saw Star Wars in the cinema that used to face it.

4.  Unless Steven Moffat really does read this blog...5

5.  SPOILER: He doesn't.

6.  I've got a theory, but the Him avoids all spoilers5 so I can't really say it here.

7.  Specifically the lack of contractions.  Both the Moff and RTD're guilty of the same thing, but it only usually happens When the Dialogue Is Supposed To Be Portentous.  Like the dialogue issues that helped scupper Nightmare in Silver, it looks great in type, but it's very hard for actors to deliver convincingly.